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Have I done the right thing? What do I do next? Am I abusive?

98 replies

westernshores · 03/06/2011 21:45

I would really appreciate some perspectives/advice/anything really. Feeling incredibly lonely just now.

An appointment I'd arranged for today was rescheduled to 5.45pm - I called H (on his mobile), and asked if he could be home in time. He said he could.

He messaged me at 5.10 saying he was on his way. By 5.35 (when I had to leave), he wasn't back yet but I assumed he was on the tube as his phone went to voicemail. Our neighbour agreed to watch the DCs until he got back.

He called me a couple of minutes after I left, walking up the road (so 5 mins away from home). Fine. Except he was slurring. I asked if he was drunk and he said he wasn't drunk. I asked if he'd been drinking and he said he'd had a couple of drinks. I asked how many and he said three. I asked where he'd been and he said at work then when I scoffed said he'd been at some conference/meeting thing with vendors. He'd been there all day, I hadn't known it involved drinks.

This was really distressing to me because six months ago, when we were in another country seeing if we wanted to move there for H's work, he went AWOL after work. We had plans to meet somewhere and he didn't show up. He turned up at the hotel hours later, drunk off his face, having made no effort to contact me. He said I was being ridiculous and hysterical (I was in bits, his behaviour while drunk has been an ongoing issue and I'd thought he might've been hurt somehow). We talked a lot during the trip and I left the country telling him that I was considering ending the marriage over this behaviour- it affects his reputation at work as well - and that we needed to have some serious discussions on his return. He came back a week later and hasn't gotten pathetically drunk since. But we have talked about his drinking often - he's always defensive/offensive. These (unacceptable IMO), episodes are infrequent but always similar.

Anyway, didn't want to dripfeed but don't want this to be a huge essay either. I was concerned enough about how he sounded on the phone (having arrived at my appointment), to message him insisting he see a doctor on Monday as three drinks shouldn't make him slur and forgetful and perhaps there was an issue there (there's blood sugar issues in the family). He didn't reply.

I called him from my appointment as it was winding up, at 6.45pm (so an hour later), he sounded much more 'normal'. I suggested he bring the DCs to where I was - high street/park - and we get some dinner and enjoy the sunshine. He said that was a great idea and they'd set off directly and see me soon.

I called 15 mins later and his phone went straight to voicemail. Called again and again and again. Thought he might've run out of battery so went across the road to the park. Looked for the DCs and H. Walked to the playground. Walked to the restaurant we'd been discussing eating at. Was calling H constantly. Went back to the place I'd had my appointment in case he'd come by, nothing. Was 7.40pm at this point. Finally called the landline and H answered.

He had no memory of our conversation at all. I walked home and he told me (on the phone), that he'd had five drinks not three. I asked him where he'd thought I was all this time and he said he hadn't really thought about it. He said he was "checking his mobile right now" and there were no messages or missed calls from me.

I got back and put the DCs to bed - it was after 8. H said he'd given them sandwiches for dinner. I was really upset - told H that I'd told him last time that it had to be the last time and he'd said it would be and his choices were that he stopped drinking altogether while we had counselling or we ended the marriage.

He said "are you going to do some housework, then?" I repeated what I'd said and he said "I'll give up drinking if you do some housework".

No real point relating the rest of the conversation as he was drunk, slurring and obnoxious. Said I was being ridiculous, that five drinks wasn't that much more than three, I asked why, if three and five drinks were the same, he'd lied. He just sneered. I said "you're so drunk you've forgotton a conversation, how can that be acceptable?" and he said the conversation about meeting up etc had never happened. I showed him the call record on my mobile and he said "well I don't remember it so I don't think I happened".

At this point I just wanted him gone so I gave him the keys to his mother's place down the road (she's away), and sent him off. He said he'd lost the car keys and his wallet.

Went to check on the DCs and they said they were hungry. Checked the kitchen and no evidence of sandwiches at all (we had a new loaf today, it was still unopened). Called H at his mother's and he admitted he "probably hadn't" fed them.

I have no idea what to do. I was supposed to be out tonight but have obviously cancelled.

We're supposed to be moving abroad at the end of the year but - I have little enough support structure here as it is.

I don't know what to do. Make him come to counselling? He really doesn't understand that I am upset about the lying (and him being so off his face he forgot me and didn't feed the DCs, but it's more that he won't admit that's unacceptable).

How he is while drunk has been commented on by his colleagues and friends. It was funny/normal/unremarkable years and years ago - drinking until puking, staying out til 4am, he's pissed himself in the past - he and I have been together 15 years - but he's not grown out of it.

I think he's pathetic and I am hating him right now, but maybe I'm being melodramatic.

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westernshores · 03/06/2011 21:48

Oh god forgot the most important part!

Sorry for the essay.

I asked to see his phone when I got back (to see the lack of messages/calls he was claiming). It was off. He said "well, look, no messages". I said "did you even turn it on?", he said "I looked and there were no messages" (ie, no).

I threw the phone at him! Jesus! Which was completely stupid on the one hand, as he then just kept saying "well your behaviour is much worse, you're throwing phones around" - I apologised right away - and terrifies me as that is a really violent thing to do and I'm not usually violent.

Am I abusive, too? Jesus. If he'd thrown something at me I know I'd be packing his bags.

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