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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH texting woman from work

176 replies

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:14

I feel this is a bit 'here we go again' so I'll keep it brief.

DH has literally hundreds of messages from a woman from work (he also texts back but deleted his sent messages).

He's been behaving oddly with his phone and receiving messages during the night so I asked to see his phone.

Most of it is friendly but it's the sheer volume of texts that unnerves me. 3 or 4 page messages when he's supposedly too busy to text me. He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night.

He received a message at 2.30am saying 'I just thought I'd wish you goodnight x x x x'.

The messages have lots of kisses and he texts her more than anyone else.

I don't think he's cheat but this seems like it could easily spiral into an emotional affair. Where will it end? I can't see them drifting apart, they work closely together.

Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:

Report

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:15

I don't think he'd physically cheat

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2011 09:15

Sounds like he is already cheating, at least an emotional affair. Sorry.

JunoWatt · 02/06/2011 09:15

hes shagging her.
you need to change "Her "number to yours on his phone

JunoWatt · 02/06/2011 09:16

"He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night."

ADN YOU ARE suRPRISED?!

Bucharest · 02/06/2011 09:18

Does she even know he's married?

I think you need a wake-up call, if the phone stuff isn't enough for you.

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:18

I don't think he'd have time to shag her and I don't think he would without leaving me. He's not very confident especially about his body but this is exactly how we got together.

Where should I go from here? What should I say/do?

OP posts:

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:19

She knoes he's married with a son.

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2011 09:21

I think it's a bit late for stopping him. Sounds like it's gone pretty far already.

OnlyWantsOne · 02/06/2011 09:23

Tell him to stop as it's hurting you. Hurting your marriage.

Tell her to stop too. If they continue, then ask him to leave.

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:23

What do I do? He always tells me I'm volitile so I don't want to cause a massive argument. I'm starting to feel so insecure and I've always been confident in our relationship.

OP posts:

Flippingebay · 02/06/2011 09:24

You don't think he'd have time to shag her?

You also thought he was too busy to text you, yet it seems he's had plenty of time to text her!!

I'd be having VERY strong words with him, looks like he's already having an EA.

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:31

I'm just at a loss, I feel like I'm drifting. There isn't any passion or romance in our relationship and he's probably looking for an ego boost. I do think he's falling/fallen in love with her.

No one texts people that much do they?

OP posts:

SarkyLady · 02/06/2011 09:32

Ask him if he wants to stay married to you.
If he says yes then say that this is not how married people behave and that it has to stop. Now.

The fact that he has deleted his replies shows that he knows that he had done wrong.

Bucharest · 02/06/2011 09:36

How do you know she knows he's married? Because he has told you?

He doesn't have time to shag her,yet he has time to send her thousands of texts? How long does a shag take? Presumably they have lunchbreaks at work?

People do text people that much, yes. When they are doing what your husband and this woman are doing.

Does he know you know about the texts?

mummakaz · 02/06/2011 09:38

I agree with others, if he is deleting messages then something is going on and don't be niave enough (sp) to think have won't have time to shag her. It needs to stop and its not normal imo to text a work mate at 2.30 to wish them goodnight. Sorry op :(

meltedchocolate · 02/06/2011 10:04

Changing her number wont do anything because she will still text him, and he will realise quickly what you did.

mazfah · 02/06/2011 10:07

I know that she knows he's married as I've met people from his work and it's a small office so they would all know. He also has pictues of me and DS at his desk (or he did last time I saw).

I definitely know he hasn't shagged her. This is emotional, which I am finding difficult. I think he deleted his sent messages so he'd have more room in his inbox, he does usually delete them so that's not unusual.

I asked to see his phone last night because I was suspicious and he gave it to me.

I may sound naive but he's so shy when it comes to sex that he couldn't/wouldn't unless he was in love and in a relationship. I think (from reading the messages) that this is a friendship turning into an emotional affair. They'd probably get together if he was single, and if I give him an ultimatum he may leave me to persue it but I'll have to take that risk.

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 02/06/2011 10:09

I really feel for you it's a horrible situation that shocks to the core, have been there...

hope it works out for you OP and you can move forwards from this.

:)

mazfah · 02/06/2011 10:10

OWO, what happened in your situation? If yu don't mind sharing.

Did you get through it?

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 02/06/2011 10:19

will PM you

Bucharest · 02/06/2011 10:46

How do you know he hasn't shagged her? It's not like he'd come home and tell you is it?

See, you're starting already with the excuses for him.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/06/2011 10:48

I didn't think my OH was shagging another woman cos he wouldn't have time but he took an afternoon off work to fit it in.

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fastweb · 02/06/2011 11:17

I think it might be wise to go for a hypothetical "if the worst happened, where would I stand..." appointment with a solicitor who is a specialist in family matters.

I am not suggesting starting divorce proceeding at all. It's just that this aspect is hard to manage if you do get a body slam later down the line, people do tend to has misconceptions about their rights and the financial implications and often the person who created the strife has a head start in terms of creates themselves an advantage legally speaking by being able to anticipate the need for legal input.

You know how you go to your doctor for an occasional check up as a preventative measure, or to head off unknown about things before they become very difficult to manage, well think of this as the legal equivalent. Sitting at home worrying about a constant ache is far far worse and far far more painful than finding out what your treatment options are if it does turn out to be as bad as you think it might.

At a time like this there is so much that is beyond your control, so much information potentially withheld from you. If nothing else exercising your control to become informed as to where you stand in the worst case scenario, will reduce the sense of all things spiraling and leaving you feeling powerless and entirely at the mercy of others peoples yet to made choices. that gives you a strength that could make all the difference in how you react to provocations or attempts to manipulate you when you are down.

If at a later point it appears he is anticipating a "cake and eat it" situation, letting him know that you have sought legal advice may be a tool that can be used to clarify in his mind that the autonomy in this situation is not his alone, and that he is taking greater risks with your relationship than perhaps he imagined.

My advice, if you are not ready to tackle him about the texts just yet, is to take care of creating a sense of control for yourself, vaccinating yourself against being left at a disadvantage thanks to an information gap and then seeing if that has bolstered you enough to feel up to challeneging his behavoir.

It's just a check up, you don't have to fear it or feel you are deciding your destiny. This is something for you, about you, at a moment when you feel like the last of anybody's considerations.

((big fat hug)))), I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this.

JunoWatt · 02/06/2011 11:22

you DONT know he hasnt shagged her - he is texting her in the night - of COURSE they are at it. and it doesnt matter two hoots what photo he has on his desk

Anniegetyourgun · 02/06/2011 12:22

There ain't no workplace too busy that a determined pair can't find 20 minutes to visit the broom cupboard. I worked in various offices for 30 years and had many chances to observe people's ingenuity. (You don't even have to take your clothes off you know!)

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