Just need to write this down

[Timetochangeforgood]

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011 

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.  
He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?  
Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own?  I sound pathetic.

Today is the day.  Not the day he blacked my eyes.  Not the day he throttled me.  Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days.  Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms.  Not then.  
Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave.  The thought of it fills me with fear.  Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.  
My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad.  I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing.  Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?  
My daughter will miss her father.  She is two.  She loves him.  Will breaking up their relationship harm her?  Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head.  I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope?  Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live?  How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name.  How will i stop him hurting my children?  He's not going to be amicable.  He doesn't have it in him.  He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first.   He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda:  he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again?  Will anyone ever love me again?  Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy.  When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired.  Physically and mentally exhausted.  I need to find the strength from somewhere.  I need to get out.  I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry.  Angry with him for the way he has treated us.  And sad.  Sad that this has happened to me.  His precious girl.  I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it.  I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

[BooyHoo]

you are doing the right thing for you and your dcs.

i am useless with all the contact numbers you may need. otehrs will be along later with those. for now, keep yourself safe. have you got family you can inform of your plans?

[Timetochangeforgood]

I've got a few things I need to do first before I can leave (get my driving licence sent here so I can hire a car being one of them) am going to go to CAB tomorrow. I need to make the first move to make it all real. I've called WA a couple of times but have never stuck with it.
Will let my mum know when I've sorted the practical stuff out as she's unwell and don't want to worry her.

[BooyHoo]

yes you need to sort out all the practical stuff. where are you going to go? do you have money? does he have access to your bank account?

[blackeyedsusan]

you are doing the right thing for your children. you don't want them groing up in fear. you don't want your son to think it is normal to hit people. you don't want your daughter to think that it is normal to be hit.

you will cope. you will get support. one step at a time.

[malibustac]

You are doing the right thing and are so brave. WA will be able to help especially if you need a place of safety. You should be very proud of yourself.

[Timetochangeforgood]

I have about £250. He doesn't have access to it (he tried to get me to put it in his account today so I 'don't spend it'! Ha ha he doesn't even need my money, he's got thousands in the bank)
My aunt will put me up. She lives in the sticks but has plenty of room. I need to do silly things like upload all my pictures to a pc in case he cuts off my
Phone and I can't access all the pics of my DC.

[Timetochangeforgood]

Thanks. I'll be proud when I've got out of this mess. I can't believe I've put up with this for so long. If you knew me you would never think I could be so weak.

[BooyHoo]

be proud now. you are making the changes. when do you intend to leave?

[BertieBotts]

It's really common that it's small things that tip you over the edge. I don't know why this is. I wonder if it's a defence mechanism - if something really big happens, you're likely to be especially vulnerable and your thinking all scrambled, so it doesn't make sense to take action then. Then you have days where your thinking is clear but you have doubts, and then one day it coincides that he's being a dick on a day that you're thinking clearly, and suddenly it all clicks into place.

Okay practicalities. Does he work? Can you leave in the daytime while he's out? I think it's probably best if you don't let on your plans at all. He already sounds dangerous and he could become more so. How computer-savvy is he? Do you know how to clear your history etc? If possible, use the private browsing mode on your web browser when posting about this or reading websites etc.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? It's extremely likely you could be housed temporarily in a refuge while you get things sorted.

Wishing you strength. This board is a fountain of it, keep posting.

[midwife99]

If you live in my area (Malvern in Worcestershire) & I can do anything to help let me know. There is an excellent women's refuge here also which the CAB or women's aid or social services/the police can organise for you & the children & they'll also sort out transport & money. You don't need to do anything except go. You must leave before he kills you. NOW

[BertieBotts]

Sorry, I'm typing really slowly tonight.

[midwife99]

Great your aunt can put you up but he'll be able to find you there. Would a refuge be better initially while you take out an injunction?

[Timetochangeforgood]

I think it will take a week or two to organise properly. Unfortunately he works from home so it will be impossible to just sneak out. Had the perfect opportunity this weekend as he was supposed to go to a football match and stay out all night but he didn't go. Don't know if I'd have beenbrave enough to just up and leave though.
He doesn't use my phone and I don't use the computer so he won't see what I've been posting etc
Does anyone know what happens in a refuge? Do you stay until you get housing sorted? Silly question, I know!
Thanks midwife, that's really kind of you. I'm in the north east (don't want to say where) But will probably move down south a bit as I don't really know anyone up here.

[Timetochangeforgood]

Luckily he doesn't know where my aunt lives. He knows the nearest city but has no idea where she actually lives.

[superdragonmama]

You are very brave; like you I found the clearest lucidity seemed to arrive when the abuse is not actually happening. You also seem very aware of many of the practicialities ahead of you.

And you are right: DO NOT let him know you are leaving, let alone where you might be going. He sound very dangerous.

Do you know of a woman's refuge near you which could offer advice/ practical help/ etc: ?

Amazingly well done for being this courageous. Your post is so utterly honest and heart felt; my heart goes out to you.

[Timetochangeforgood]

I don't know how to get in touch with a refuge except for through WA I suppose? Another silly question - will I have to 'prove' he has abused me? I have some photos but it's my word against his as I didn't report him.

[citybranch]

I just want to say that you are a wonderful mother and very brave. I just can't believe what you have been through, how dare he treat you like that? What a disgusting excuse for a man, I despair at humankind.

[Timetochangeforgood]

I need to be brave for my children. I am a better mother when he is not around. I need to keep Telling myself these things so i make it happen this time. No changing my mind.

[safran]

I rarely post in relationship, and never on the abuse threads and I have no practical advice. But your first post is incredible. When you get out print it off or save it somewhere, I think it will be something you'll want to look back at. And should either child ask what happened - frankly that answers it all and maybe in many years when they are old enough it may be something to use as a prop to talk to them about.
Good luck - I think your post is going to be one of those that stick in my head, so I sincerely hope to hear about your happy ending.

[midwife99]

If you look at www.womensaid.org there is a free 24 hour advice line 0808 2000 247. Also if you look at the local help section there is a list of women's refuges in the north east with their contact details. You don't have to prove the abuse & normally you stay until safe housing can be organised where you want to settle. You MUST phone 999 each & every time he touches you as the domestic violence unit will then be able to act on the legal stuff too. You MUST get out now.

[anon4now]

You are so brave and you are doing the right thing for you and your DCs. You will look back on this and know that, if you don't already.

So sad that he has out you in this terrible position and ground you down so much. You have the strength to take action, come through this and have a better life. Your kids don't need money, they need to be shown love and respect and how normal adults treat each other.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Good luck, OP. We're all pulling for you, and you sound very sorted.

[BertieBotts]

No you definitely don't have to prove the abuse. A friend of mine was offered a place in one even though she was in a relationship where there was no physical abuse - you can't prove emotional abuse. They are there if you need it. You can go into one without a penny on you and they will offer you a safe place to stay until benefits etc come through. There was a great thread on here a while ago from someone who had stayed in one and how different it was to her expectation. You can stay in a refuge as long as you want or need to. this is really helpful in explaining it all.