Don't know what to do

[Holly02]

I haven't written about this for a while but some of you may remember that my dh's son moved in with us last year & we were experiencing a lot of problems with him. In addition to that, dh's work schedule has been ridiculous for a while now and the tension in the house has been almost unbearable at times, mainly due to dh & I not seeing eye to eye on the way things have been handled with SS, and because of all the associated problems we have had.

Well SS has virtually finished his education now and is moving in with his brother. I am extremely relieved, as we went through a lot of stress while SS was here, but my problem now is that it seems that our relationship (mine & dh's) has been left in tatters. The 'distance' between us is so tangible, we have drifted apart and the only way I can describe it is that I feel alienated from him, like it doesn't seem possible to get back what we had before. The last year has been the worst of our relationship, we have been married for 11 1/2 yrs and I can honestly say the marriage is in the worst shape it's ever been. I feel really resentful toward him and he is probably just reciprocating my feelings now. I ended up seeking some support from other people during the very difficult times because I felt that dh just could not/would not address some of our problems, and I think he sees this as some kind of betrayal - but I only did it because I felt very alone. By support, I just mean talking with friends & people who had been through similar situations, but he probably thought I had no right to talk to anyone.

Anyway I don't even think counselling is an option because dh wouldn't do it, but I don't know how to even try & repair some of the damage that has been done. I'd like to salvage it if possible, because things were ok before and also because of our young son. I don't know what anyone can say to help, but I just needed to write down how sad I'm feeling about it. Thanks.

[Janstar]

I do feel for you, Holly. This is so sad. Are you sure he wouldn't agree to counselling? You say you don't think he would, but perhaps you could persuade him. I really think it would help if you discussed things in front of a third party - it stops you from spiralling into a point-scoring argument and helps to guide you into exploring real feelings so that understanding can follow.

Perhaps if you tell him your marriage is at stake and beg him to at least try he might say yes. I hope you managed to get some communication going, anyway...thinking of you.

[sykes]

So sorry, I agree re counselling and doing everything possible to start communicating. My h and I have split, for different reasons, but feel that not communicating and letting ongoing resentments build up instigated, in some ways, his affair and the demise of our relationship. I think you'll have to work so hard to make him realise just where you could all end up - ie, a separated family and what that really means. Sorry, rambling really, but if it was good before it most probably can be again and your recent experiences have obviously caused you to move apart. Lots of luck.

[doormat]

Holly so sad to hear your news.I agree with sykes and janstar re counselling and a third party just to listen.If he refuses to go why not try the following.
IMO it seems that the resentment you have both been feeling has really dragged you both into the stubborn doldrums.What you need is to communicate again and what better way through laughter.
What I mean is go and see a show,a comedian etc a ight out together. This usually brings a smile and a rethink to most of us.I am not saying it will heal anything but it should break the deadlock between you and hopefully then you can get a bit better communication.
Sorry this is all I can think of at the moment.
Hugs and best wishesxxx

[fio2]

Agree with everyone else about the conselling but I know it isnt everyone cup of tea. Doormats idea is good. Go and do something different to together if possible, it will break the routine and who knows you may enjoy each others company for a change. Really feel for you.