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My husband has evolved into a weirdo

(89 Posts)
MrsTwat Tue 24-May-11 11:27:44

Have name changed as there are a few peeps on here who know me in RL and I dont want my RL world to know about this as I am embarrassed if I am being totally honest. This is going to be a right old ramble I fear as I try and explain things.

Married 10 years. Together 15. 2 DC 13 and 10. DH has never been a particuarly social person. Never had any close friends long term mates really a few peeps that come and go but then we have moved around alot in our marriage due to his job. I however, make the most of where ever we live and always seem to have some kind of social group of friends. Things between us are OK. Not fab but not awful. I do sense we are not as close these days but then we do little together. He does not like the things I like to do and I am not that keen on his interests either. We do just tend to just rub along. I am not unhappy but slowly realising how little time we enjoy together.

We had a long distance relationship for about 18months before moving in together. I now realise thats some of his persona he put across to me before moving in together was not 100% accurate- although he never actively lied. What I am trying to say is that I never got the impression he was an unsociable person. When we used to see each other, me where he lived and when he came to my town - we used to spend alot of our time out with other people and having fun. Within 6 months of us setting up home together (where he was then working) I fell pregnant - not planned (DC now just turned 13).

We then spent the following few years with babies and toddlers and no support network as we lived 500 miles from family. We rarely went out together. Infact my DC were 3 and 1 before I went out again. He would go to the occassional work curry night or similar. For years and years it was like this as we moved house every few years. Slowly it dawned on me and through some discussions together he admitted he disliked socialising really and couldnt be arsed with it. He knows friends are important to me and we have slipped into this kind of seperate social lives. He plays PS3/walks up hills, I go for coffee/lunch/pub/shopping with a mate and still pop to my home town every 6 to 8 weeks for an overnight stay to see my parents and best friend.

He is a very optomistic person and he spends his free time mountain biking, mountain/hill walking and gaming on the PS3. All of which he does alone. Occassionally me or one or both of the kids will join him on his walking or biking, occassionally a friend/mate from work but for most part he goes alone. He is certainly not depressed. He loved his job and is so enthusiastic about these few things in life. He is also a fab full hands on Dad to our DC.

People do notice how unsociable he is and I worry that he comes accross as rude. We had a small street party (4 families) in our street for the Royal Wedding and he was the only 1 who didnt join in on the day. He stayed in playing PS3. The other families commented in a jokey way that they rarely see him, he rarely speaks to even say hello and joked it was embarrassing in the mornings when they were all getting into their cars at the same time (in a cimmunal car park by our houses) and he does not even make eye contact with them. One person said he looks embarrassed to say hello. I just told them he is shy - which I suppose he is/must be.

However, he does spend ALOT of time alone. I will go out and do stuff with my mates, our DC etc. For instance if the DC want to go into town shopping on a weekend I will take them -they go off with their mates shopping and I do my own shopping. Its a win win situation - we then meet for lunch or tea and go home to DH who is either sat infront of the PS3 or back from a 12 mile hike.

DH hoards stuff galore. Hard to believe with the amount of times we have moved in the past 12 years but he wont chuck anything and its now getting to be a bit ridiculous. Our bedroom is piled high around the edges of stuff he will not chuck - old computers, old TVs and clothes. He has a tripple wardrobe, 2 chests and clothes piled high in the bedroom. he wont chuck any of it. We have had chats and rows about this over the years but nothing changes. He hides stuff in the attic and then when we move it obviously gets found. You would not believe some of the stuff he has kept.

Last weekend me and DC cleared their rooms. They decided they wanted to chuck their old videos out. So I just binned them - black bag ready for bin day yesterday. I work in a charity shop and videos have stopped selling and we have recently stopped accepting them as wer cannot give them away. No one I know has a video anymore so I just thought I would bin them.

Well he has gone mental. These are Disney videos. most of which the DC have duplicated on DVD. I have just resigned myself they will remian in the carrier bags he has put them in placed behind the diningroom door. He will do nothing with them and I cant face a row so its another pile of shit just sitting in the corner of yet another room.

Something else happend on the weekend which has really made me stand back and look at him and I suddenly see a bit of a loner weirdo freak and not my husband.

I swear to god I am not making this up.

I got up Sunday morning to our usually chaotic messy kitchen. Loads of glasses/dishes etc waiting to go in the dishwasher, which was waiting to be emptied. I noticed something yellow in a glass and just knew straight away it was urine. I sniffed it and it was. My 10yo was with me and also guessed what it was. I took the glass through to my husband who was in the lounge on the PS3 and asked him why he had done it. He looked a little embarrassed but didnt deny it. I asked if it was because he could not be arsed to shift his arse upstairs to the loo. He said nothing and played his game and asked me to throw it away. I refused. I left it on the kitchen windowsill for him to dispose ofand cleared the rest of the kitchen. Went out to the Gym and shops etc.

Later that day he came over all amorous to me. I told him to piss off. His pissing in the glass had upset me, pissed me off and I thought it was vile and disgusting. He then mumbled something about thinking he had something in his urine and needed to look at it. I dont believe this. It took him 7 hours to come up with this. Further discussion last night about his Drs visit to get checked out, confirm my doubts. He is way too vague about the details and he reckons he has to wait until next week for an appointment when I phoned yesterday and got offerd 4 different appointments for myself for yesterday or today. Infact our med centre is linked to his work and personnel generally get priority for appointments. That said in the 14 months we have lived here I have always managed to get a same day or next day appointment.

Further still, assuming he is being honest and he wanted to look at his urine there are other containers he could have used - several sample bottles in the first aid cupboard as our DC has kidney issues. Secondly - why just leave it out.

More disgusting though that was when he realised he had to dispose of the glass of piss himself, he just chucked it down the sink. No bleach, just a little run of the tap.

Every glass in the house has been dishwasherd - but I now find myself no wanting used the glasses. I am not usually such a wuss with things but this has just turned my stomach. There have been a few incidents before when I have smelt urine in the kitchen or even the bathroom sink (have a sepearate loo) but just never thought much about it. Am now wondering if its my husband.

I dunno - the wee incident has kind of flipped a switch in my head which has me thinking - he has gone too far with his wierdness now. I have just been totally turned off.sad

Dunno what I want anyone to say or suggest - perhaps an outsider view on how they would feel if their husband did the same.

madonnawhore Tue 24-May-11 11:38:12

I'm no expert at all but it sounds to me from what your describing that your H might have onset of mental illness or be on the autism spectrum. Has this ever been investigated?

Leaving bodily waste in the kitchen is not normal or healthy behaviour. I would be disgusted and furious if I were you.

MrsTwat Tue 24-May-11 11:42:28

Thank you for your reply.

I was expecting to be told to get a grip and stop being such a wet blanket.

But this has turned my stomache and just switched something off for me. I am furious and disgusted and he just seems happy to brush it under the carpet. Its like I can suddenly think of hundreds of silly little things he has done that although I have always thought OMFG or how odd are now screaming out at me. sad

No he has never been invetsigated for anything like you suggest.

SherlockMoans Tue 24-May-11 11:44:46

It does sound like he has a problem of some shape or form, I dont think its you - I couldnt tolerate the hoarding in my bedroom so you are a better woman than me grin

DELHI Tue 24-May-11 11:47:37

Wow, MrsTwat, don't really know what to think. It's certainly not normal, the wee-thing, and combined with his increasing reclusiveness, and obsession with PS3 could indicate some kind of mental problem. Could you talk to your GP or similar about his behaviour?

GypsyMoth Tue 24-May-11 11:47:58

its when he starts storing the urine in bottles everywhere that his hoarding then becomes a MASSIVE problem!! have you checked garage,shed etc for it??

rings alarm bells....

sunshineandbooks Tue 24-May-11 11:49:01

Blimey!

The urine in the glass thing is really weird. My first thought was if he is a bit addicted to gaming was he unwilling to break off and use the toilet so just used whatever was to hand? But if that's the case, why was it in the kitchen instead of next to him in the room where he was gaming. At a loss there I'm afraid. All you can do I guess is make it clear it's absolutely unacceptable and make him sterilise all the glasses so that he is involved in the consequences of his behaviour. Hopefully it wont' happen again.

I think it's ok for him to be a loner and to not enjoy socialising or do that much of it as long as he doesn't expect you to give it up. However, IMO he should really accept that in cases such as the street party he ought to at least put in a half-hour nominal appearance for your sake. He is part of a marriage and a community and his behaviour reflects on you. You're not asking him to stay all day and be the life and soul. On the other hand, if you're really unhappy doing things by yourself, you'll have to ask yourself whether the pluses of this marriage are worth accepting the lack of socialising tand all the other things you are worrying about.

Do you think he's got some sort of obsessive compulsive thing going on? Are you able to communicate well enough that you can ask him about it? If not, what do you propose to do?

Don't know what to suggest really, but I feel for you.

Hullygully Tue 24-May-11 11:50:20

That is very odd.

I think unsociableness is one thing, lots of people are solitary, but hoarding and weeing in glasses is very peculiar.

madonnawhore Tue 24-May-11 11:50:49

Yes, the reclusiveness and hoarding are red flags for some kind of mental disorder too.

Echoes of Howard Hughes.

I don't think you're being a wet blanket or need to get a grip at all. But I do think that probing why your husband is the way he is will reveal there is a bigger issue here than maybe you realise.

Suncottage Tue 24-May-11 11:54:56

Forget the weeing in a glass.

What would he actually do if you had a total clear out of the junk?

TubbyDuffs Tue 24-May-11 11:56:07

You are definitely right to be alarmed! He isn't exactly a good example for your (his) children.

I would be wanting to limit his PS3 time, as a grown man shouldn't be spending so much time on it, even if he is unsociable, he has children who he ought to make an effort for.

I think you should look into counselling, and don't take no for an answer from him.

Good luck x

lynniep Tue 24-May-11 12:07:29

in general, he sounds slightly like my dh, (who actually doesnt have hobbies, other than an online cricket team, but does socialise IF HE ABSOLUTELY HAS TO (he won't of his own accord)) I dont have an issue with this anymore. Its the way he is and Im not going to force him to talk to people. I will go out if I want to. He will go for meals with me once in a blue moon though.

My hubby has OCD and whilst never diagnosed, I would also say he has autistic traits. I believe the two are often related. I don't consider them enough of a problem to address, as whilst some of them irritate me, I accept its not his fault that he needs to pick the third magazine off the rack etc etc.

He has gross habits which I hate which are totally contractitory to his general character. He is obsessive about teeth cleaning, but insists on flossing whilst sitting in bed. Eugh. Bits of tooth cack flying all over our sleeping space. He is obsessive about keeping the toilet clean and the kitchen surfaces, but is an obsessive nose blower. He uses loo roll for this. Both bits of tooth floss and snotty loo roll get thrown down the side of the bed. If I put a bin there and it happens to hit it, then great, but it still gets chucked there bin or not. If I dont move this myself, it just gets left there. Until he has a cleaning frenzy several weeks later (in which everything gets thrown away - opposite of hoarder!)

So whilst some things I think you need to accept as part of his personality, the pee thing is beyond ok, especially with children in the house. How far have you talked to him about his habits. Does he see them as peculiarities? or does he think everyone else is wierd? My DH is perfectly aware that his counting and other habits are OCD (although won't believe that other things are acceptable)

oldwomaninashoe Tue 24-May-11 12:32:25

The unsocialbility is perfectly acceptable, there are plenty of people like this who prefer their own company or the company of those they know really "well".

However.....The "wee" thing and the hoarding of things that have no use or value is odd. What would he do if you chucked the old videos in a local skip?

Storing your wee is a sign of mental illness Try and have a talk with him about all of this , easier said than done I know!

JanMorrow Tue 24-May-11 12:36:52

The hoarding does sound like OCD to me yes (it can come in many different forms). Many people on the Autistic spectrum also have some elements of OCD behaviour.

Your husband sounds a bit like my cousin who has aspergers syndrome. He hoards and plays his x-box a LOT. He is perfectly capable of work and socialising but would always prefer to be on his own (ie he prefers to go to gigs or the cinema alone).

He also hoards and when his Mum (he was still living at home at the time) cleared out what was basically a load of old tat, he got extremely distressed and shut himself away for a day.. but god it made a difference to their house! His flat now has piles and bags all over the place, it's like an assault course in some rooms although he's much better since he's been seeing someone about his compulsions and social issues.

On the social side he finds it very difficult to make eye contact with someone. He's perfectly happy to chat but it seems like he's never actually listening to the person he's talking to and will constantly interrupt them, it's like he doesn't know the normal social cues for a conversation, I'm always telling him off for it!

I'd suggest a conversation with your husband about the peeing and the hoarding to begin with as these are the things that are impacting on your life but most importantly, he needs to spend time with his children, doing stuff and interacting with them.. that's very important. If he can't do these things you may have to gently suggest some sort of therapy.

Diagnosis for aspergers in adults takes a while and it doesn't always help the issues at hand, but you may be able to get some therapy through the NHS.

madonnawhore Tue 24-May-11 12:45:27

Speak to your GP and tell them what you wrote in your OP, see what their opinion is.

Then suggest counselling to your H.

StellaSays Tue 24-May-11 13:05:49

I'm interested to know what his reaction would be if you had a cleanout, say while he was off hiking you just got rid of all the useless crap. Would he sulk or explode?

Pigglesworth Tue 24-May-11 13:36:39

Like others I agree that the loner thing in itself is not necessarily a problem - we all have different preferences for how much time we like to spend with people and it's OK to prefer to spend your spare time alone. Although I would say that his antisocial behaviour goes beyond the normal spectrum somewhat in awkwardly ignoring neighbours, playing PS3 and refusing to socialise, etc.

However the other things you have mentioned definitely suggest mental illness. Specifically, Compulsive Hoarding. There are some good websites on this - just google the term. Beginning to behave oddly about his own bodily waste is a massive red flag. Here are some websites I found:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding
www.compulsive-hoarding.org/
understanding_ocd.tripod.com/index_hoarding.html
www.nsgcd.org/resources/clutterhoardingscale/nsgcd_clutterhoardingscale.pdf

The final resource is a scale where you can identify the extent to which your house is affected by hoarding (Levels 1 to 5).

I am not sure if you want him to go to the doctor's about his urine or about his mental health - which is it? I think he needs to go to the doctor to discuss his mental health problems and I think you need to go with him to make sure something is done. For him, these items have a huge significance, if I remember correctly what I've read about hoarders, it's like they give him a sense of security/ identity, links to past events and almost a "proof" of his existence. Throwing things out may be like erasing bits of his life to him.

Compulsive hoarding is a horrible thing to have to live with and it's a horrible thing to try to change in a loved one. My parents, especially my father, are like this to an extent and their house looks awful, with almost every spare space taken up with something and constantly acquiring new, unnecessary possessions (they'd be Level 1 on the hoarding scale). I would try to address this NOW because the behaviour is only going to become more ingrained and worse. I can't stand it, to be honest - as a result I couldn't stand to be with someone like that romantically, and if I were you I would be mercilessly throwing things out while his back is turned, including his video cassettes, even though I know that's the worst way to deal with this issue because it causes hoarders so much distress - it's just so selfish/ controlling/ infuriating for hoarders to pollute others' living space and get so aggressive and irate when people attempt to clean up their own living space. You tend to lose love and respect for them as you have clash after clash about the mess.

Your husband may not have deceived you about who he was when you first met; perhaps he has slipped further and further into mental illness.

garlicbutter Tue 24-May-11 14:00:47

Some friends of mine once went round and cleared out a hoarder friend's house, with his agreement. The next time they visited, a couple of months later, he had replaced ALL the old stuff!

This friend did, eventually, end up in a mental hospital. I hear he's more aware of his issues now, but he's still got them (and the house with no floor, walls or furniture visible under the stuff.) It seems clear your H has an increasingly serious hoarding problem - Pigglesworth's post is great, especially the part about needing the stuff to prove his existence.

I hope you can get him to seek, and accept, some help in managing it but at some point, you're going to have to decide whether you really can live with this and your kids can. Now he's hoarding his pee, it's not unlikely he'll move on to poo ....

FabbyChic Tue 24-May-11 14:11:49

I don't think he has any mental illness, I just think he is a loner, and likes his own company.

With regards the piss, well I have to say it is not that unusual for a man to be that lazy they piss in whatever is to hand. It does happen, and the kids dad used to do it rather than get up and go downstairs in the night, he done it for two years there was always piss on the windowsill, its a disgusting habit.

He was 22! So not old and infirm.

With regards the hoarding there is a specific name for that and he would need to see a therapist or CRB to get that sorted out but I couldn't live with someone who liked living in shit to be honest.

I think this is more about the fact that you are two totally different people and always have been, it is not weird to like your own company and have no friends sorry it isn't. Some people just prefer being by themselves.

HansieMom Tue 24-May-11 14:15:06

I agree with another poster that he has Asperger's, but the pee thing is off in a category by itself.

loopylou6 Tue 24-May-11 14:32:51

I pissed in a glass once, I genuinely thought there was stuff in my wee, however after inspection the glass was binned, I wouldn't of dreamt of leaving it hanging round.

Suncottage Tue 24-May-11 14:52:51

I also think he just couldn't be bothered to go up to the loo.

SingOut Tue 24-May-11 15:02:19

It also sounds to me like he has aspergers, very much so. Have you researched this at all? I've had (bitter) relationship experience of this and he certainly sounds like an aspie to me.

madonnawhore Tue 24-May-11 15:02:21

Doesn't stop it being fucking rank though, Suncottage. Would you want to live with that?

JustForThisOne Tue 24-May-11 15:16:56

a bit extreme to judge and pas a dx on hoarding / asperger just like that
i still like to keep tapes, loved that format, so low fi and different quality
I like my child playing with it and see what was there before digital
same for myself and super eight
but I am a vintage junkie nor a compulsive hoarder!

i do not piss in glasses but if he is a doctor / works in medical maybe urine is not such a disgusting thing for him

some people actually drink it you know? A bit 80s new age and out of fashion there but never the less

(apologies silly post , I am in a funny mood today, soooo stressed I get a slight reliese from being daft ) rolling eyes

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