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I can't stop thinking about another man and it is making me so bloody miserable I don't know what to do.

(7 Posts)
musthide Mon 23-May-11 11:46:08

Long history, but I'll try to be brief.

DH and I have been married for 5 years, no DCs yet. We are blissfully happy, he is the most wonderful man and I love him with my whole heart.

But for some reason- I truly don't know why- I am attracted to someone else and I can't stop thinking about him and I wish more than anyhting that I could stop. I have tried thinking about my DH and doing somethign nice for DH when the OM pops into my head but its getting so frequent now

To make matters worse, the OM is my friend's DH, and my DH's friend, if that makes sense. Basically the 4 of us socialise together, we see them at least every fortnight.

I have often thought (and other people have hinted) that the OM has feelings for me- hes mde a few drunken passes at me and once told me he wished he had met me before he met his DW. I know, a real catch, eh?

So WTF am I attracted to him? Is it attraction? I know I would never, ever cheat on DH, and the times when he has made a pass at me I have run away (so mature of me! blush) and not given him any indication whatsoever that I would be up for an affair or anything of that nature. But yet when I go to my friends' house I find myself hoping that he will be there. I find myself caring what he thinks about things and when i get a text/facebook message (innocent- usually about the 4 of us mettig up)from him my heart jumps a little. Which I hate.

I really don't know what to do. If it was anyone else I could go cold turkey and just never see him again, but with the situation we have it would be impossible to do without telling my friend why and DH why.

Any advice appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
sunshineandbooks Mon 23-May-11 12:03:43

Urgh. He's not much of a friend to either your friend or your DH is he?

One drunken pass may be acceptable but you give the impression it's happened a few times. I know you don't want to upset the status quo but even if you don't want to have the show down with your friend by telling her what her 'D'P is like, I'd really be inclined to talk about it with your DH and suggest you see less of them.

It's ok to find someone else attractive you know, as long as you don't act on it and it sounds like you won't. Don't feel guilty about it or take any blame for it. This man shouldn't have propositioned you even if he sensed you found him attractive. He knows you are married to his friend and he knows that his DW is also your friend. I suspect he has targeted you as much for your vulnerability as for the fact that he finds you sexually attractive. He was relying on you keeping your mouth shut because you have as much to lose as him.

BTW, the fact that he's good looking and the flattery of knowing someone else is 'after' you can be simple enough for your subconscious to manufacture reciprocal feelings of desire. The only solution IMO is to see less of him.

musthide Mon 23-May-11 13:19:07

Thanks sunshine. What you said about feelings of desire being subconciously manufactured rings true, and made me feel better. Also very true about him singling me out because of me having as much to lose as him- I sense I am not the first he has tried it on with, by a long chalk.

Thaks for your advice.

OP’s posts: |
Anniegetyourgun Mon 23-May-11 13:39:05

Like the saying goes (unless I made it up, can't remember!), you can't help what you feel but you can help what you do. Fancying someone else isn't a sin in itself, it's temptation. It's how you handle temptation that is your measure as a person.

As well as spending less time with him (and missing out on time with your friend, which he is to blame for) you could also try concentrating on one of those times he's behaved particularly sleazily, and think how tawdry and pathetic it is. He's being a bad husband to your friend and a bad friend to your husband, and he's treating you with disrespect. You have every right to feel quite angry and indignant about it. He's trying to pretend you're so special to him, even more special than his own wife (your friend), but it's just lies isn't it? It's nothing to do with how attractive you are really, but whether you might be available (a certain kind of man targets plain women deliberately because they'll be more desperate/grateful, though I'm sure that doesn't apply in your case!). Put like that, his attentions are not flattering at all - a little insulting, even. You're sensible enough to know all this; just keep explaining it to your unruly hormones until they get the picture.

And shag your DH senseless when the hormones tweak, because he deserves the inestimable privilege of intimacy with you. Unlike the sleazebag.

musthide Tue 24-May-11 08:08:47

Thank you Annie. You are right, need to look at what he is doing rationally and think about it with my head rather than my hormones.

OP’s posts: |
Becky0812 Wed 29-Apr-20 01:01:19

Hiya everyone,
I need advice i am new on here. Its been so hard especially nowith everything that in happening but my worry is that lately i can not stand to be around my husband. Ever since this lockdown his drinking has become unbearable where it get to the point where i have to put him to bed. I have asked him to calm down and he will keep saying i will but he doesnt and it gets to the point where he rings ppl late at night and says things to them which then i have to say sorry to them.. Then in my line of work i have recently losted my job with the suituation and i get called usually...
And to make things worst i have started to get feeling for his close friend.. Need abit of advice Please help confused

Becky0812 Wed 29-Apr-20 01:04:01

Adding to recent post......
The fact i losted my job. I get called useless, my jobs not important x

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