Husband sexually frustrated

[ovumahead]

Hi all,

I'm sure this is a frequent comment on these boards. But any advice any of you can spare would be wonderful, as I'm feeling really fed up.

Basically, my husband says he's not satisfied sexually in our relationship. He says he's frustrated by the infrequency with which we have sex. We probably have sex about once a week on average, but sometimes we have phases where it's more or less frequent (at the most, 4 times a week, at the least, once a month).

I know this isn't as often as he would like and I do empathise with his feelings of frustration as, in all honesty, I'm not sexually satisfied either. But the only chance we get to have any kind of intimiacy is at the end of the day when I'm often really tired (I've been working 7 days a week recently).

We spoke about this the other night after he initiated sex, but I refused. He was really quite stroppy and said he felt rejected and that he wished he didn't have such a high sex drive. I tried to explain that I wasn't rejecting him but that his constant sexual advances left little room for me to experience the thrill of the chase, and that I felt I was always having to excuse myself from sex whenever I got in to bed, and that I didn't feel that was right. I asked him to back off a bit and try to let me initiate things sometimes. However, he said when we tried this in the past, we just didn't have sex. I honestly don't remember this, so can't comment on it.

However, during this conversation I realised that the way he was talking about sex was actually disturbing me quite a lot. I've felt troubled about it ever since. He's a very black and white kind of person, and I accept that but it is difficult at times as I'm constantly having to explain the subtleties of things (feelings) to him which can make our relationship seem imbalanced and make me feel like his parent, which I absolutely detest. Anyway - when we were talking about these difficulties, I realised that basically he makes me feel like some kind of object rather than a person - that he's frustrated because he's not having his sexual needs met because I'm withholding access to myself. Basically, I started thinking that he sees our sexual life as simply having access to my genitals and I found this very objectifying. Whilst this may sound a bit crazy (does it? I'd love to know!) that is honestly the impression I was left with.

Also, he often tries to talk dirty to me, which really doesn't turn me on at all. I know that might give the impression that I'm frigid, but I'm really not. I just don't like sex to feel like pornogrpahy, as to me is detracts from the real feelings of intimacy. However, he doesn't pick up on this, and I've realised it just adds to these feelings of being a sexual object, rather than someone he wants to be intimate with and close to.

I did try explaining this to him but he disagreed and said that one of the problems with when we don't have 'enough' sex is that he starts to feel physically distant from me.

This is, of course, about a million times more complicated than I've made out here, but I can't keep waffling on as I'm not sure anyone will even read this far!!

Keeping my fingers crossed for some wise words...

[HerHissyness]

I am inclined to agree with YOU. You sound amazingly emotionally mature and actually have helped me view things in my life differently.

I've been sucked down the path that you seem to be standing at the beginning of, and it's horrid. I'm hoping, one day, that I'll find a way back, but since the recent demise of my relationship with the abusive X, I'm not overly keen on the idea of encouraging any additional male involvement in my life.

I don't have any answers for you, only encouragement for you to stick to your guns and trust your instincts.

[ovumahead]

Thanks for your reply. Curious to know how my post has helped you view things differently?

And what is the path that I'm standing at the beginning of? Sounds rather ominous. What do you think lies ahead?

[HerHissyness]

Being treated like an object, having no say of my own, no opinion, no power, it's very demeaning.

he's not respecting you sexually at all, you are a possession to him not a partner.

How can he disagree with your statement that he makes you feel bad when he talks dirty or pesters you for sex?

Does he also sulk? He is blaming you for this, when it's his sense of entitlement making him feel it's OK to make unreasonable demands of you, keeping doing things to you that you do not like, and refuses to listen to you.

I hope to god this creature treats you like a queen in the rest of your day to day, otherwise I'd have to ask if there are other ways this man makes you feel bad/worthless/demeaned.

[Diggs]

I agree with Hissy , i think your at the brink of an unpleasant path here .

The fact he disagrees with your feelings about this rings alarm bells for me im afraid , he doesnt get to disagree , theyre your feelings and he desnt get to decide whether what your feeling is ok or not , he should just respect it and hes not doing .

You say he hasnt picked up on your dislike of dirty talk , have you told him outright ?

[AnyFucker]

massive red flags

your husband is telling you he thinks it's your job to service him sexually

he is telling you that your feelings don't count

he is trying to use emotional blackmail and fear of being left by him to get his own way

he is trying to make you think your feelings are not admissable within a normal partnership

is that how you saw your partnership when you got together ?

[Tambern]

It sounds stupid, but how much porn does he watch on a weekly basis- and more importantly what type? You might found that's where the problem lies. The reason this comes to mind is the dirty talk you mentioned, often objectifying and very unsexy (there's a difference between told 'you make me feel so good/hot' etc and 'come on harder you little slut') and that's a very porn ideal.

Basically you're in the right. No-one should be made to feel like some sort of sex doll that should be ready, willing and eager at the snap of your DH's fingers. By expecting that, he's pretty much saying that your feelings, your emotions and your own needs are 'not as important' as his. He's saying his want and need for sex are more important than your objections.

[ovumahead]

Thanks for your replies. I don't think he's in to porn now (he was a bit when he was younger, but we've talked about this and I honestly don't think he is now). But I do think some of his 'dirty' talk stems from the porn world.

We chatted last night and he was really horrified that I'd taken offence to him using this language, and explained he was just messing around and trying to spice things up. He also seemed genuinely sorry that I had been feeling pressured in to sex. I explained that his constant attempts to 'create the right mood' by running a bath, giving me a massage or whatever, actually made me feel like those activities came with a price tag (sex), and that if he didn't get his 'payment' then he felt rejected. I explained that using sex and other activities in that way wasn't ok, and that he could go elsewhere if that's how he wanted to play things. We even discussed stopping having sex for a while and just focusing on being intimate but I'm not sure if we really need to go to this extreme.

But it felt like a good conversation and I think he saw my point of view quite clearly and was able to listen, and take on my criticisms.

Thanks for all your support and advice ladies. I hope this crisis has been averted and that my dh has learnt a lesson in how to treat his lady right!

[trulybadlydeeply]

Welcome to Mumsnet Joey. You sound... er... delightful... Any particular reason you felt compelled to revive a zombie thread?

[TheNaze73]

Have a and crack one off.

[adora1]

Oh Joey, such a waste of your eloquent advice lol.

[AverysillyoldHector]

Don't be too hard on the poor chap monkey, When someone is stuck in the 1950s, they don't know the difference between 2011 and 2016 . .

[TheHobbitMum]

Well that was enlightening I shall forever remember to crack on and offer daily blow jobs and sex to my husband, it's my duty after all. Thanks for pointng that out!

[monkeywithacowface]

True Avery although he seems to suggest he was born to an ape so it is possible this knuckle dragger came from a time long before that. Although a chat with a semi literate primate from another time does make a refreshing change to all this referendum talk. Unless..... Nigel is that you? Get back into European Parliament and say sorry for being so rude this morning.

[plimsolls]

wow. Thanks for laying this down for us honies joey y'all ever so wise and generous with your sweet time. I sure as shit won't be letting that big boobied sex queen at the local strip club be getting her paws on my man. Why, I just shudder at the thought. Thank Jesus Mary and Jospeh you came along when yall did to tell me how to pony up and give my sweet man some lovin' (and to act like I mean it. I mean, it sure is damn hard to give a blow job and smile at the same time but thanks to you, Joey, I'm gonna do me some practicing).

Have a as a token of our gratitude.

[adora1]

But I'm begging of you please Jolene....

Only Jolene I remember was bleach for my moustache.

[LittleMissUpset]

Well y'all while this was interesting I don't think I'll be following that advice

[gamerchick]

Well that was enlightening hmm I shall forever remember to crack on and offer daily blow jobs and sex to my husband, it's my duty after all. Thanks for pointng that out! don't forget to look like you're wanting to do it.

Cheers joey man I properly needed that belly laugh, it made my husband jump

[SandyY2K]

5 years late, but interesting post Joey.

A lot of what you say is true.

[Numberoneisgone]

No projecting from your relationship there Joey. Is it only women who do that? You have some interesting insights but it is really hard to unearth them from the mansplaining.

I will say though that when we get out of sync in our relationship usually due to external factors, which can then become internal factors, the best way to rectify the situation is via honest communication.

[candybar007]

You made a prick of yourself there Joey.

[ImperialBlether]

Pony up, give the man a blow job. And ACT LIKE YOU WANT TO BE DOING IT.

Where has this guy been when we've wanted advice on here?