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comunication issues - dyslexic husband - help :(

(6 Posts)
TheLaminator Sun 15-May-11 15:54:12

new here, been lurking and reading for a few months, but now think it`s time to ask for some advice, i`ll try not to ramble too much, here goes.......
My husband has had problems with reading pretty much all his life, this causes him alot of anxiaty. He also struggles sometimes to follow conversations and `misunderstands` things. He often starts a sentence/conversation half way through, almost like he starts it in his head then his mouth catches up. When i point these things out to him, (gently and with understanding) he often reacts badly and get overwelmed easily, the smallest thing can set him off on a defensive track. He works full time and i`m a sahm with our 3yr old & 11 week old boys. our toddles is changing daily, as they do. It has been me that has implemented our techniques, ie behavoir & disepline, toilet training etc. My problem now is that pretty much everytime i tell him `this is how we`ve been doing thing/ this it what we are trying this week` etc he respons in a way as if i am critasing him and atacking his ability. He`s brilliant with both our kids, a great dad, and i love him dearly, but i`m starting to question myself. He takes every comment to heart, deeply, you can see the hurt on his face. I try not to be aggressive or patronising - he thinks i am both of these things, and reacts accordingly, usually leading to a row, where he point out he has problems comunicating (he is in the process of having dyslexia assesment) I know this & dont need reminding, i feel i have a lot of patience with regards to his problems, but just knowing he has issues doest make it any easier to deal with at times. I`m only human and maybe my frustrations are finally starting to show. I dont know how to stop this cycle of arguing......lately i feel as if i cant open my mouth without his mis understanding me. I dont want to analyse him too much, but his own mum is the queen of passive aggression and i sometimes think he thinks i`m messing with his head they way she did/does. this breaks my heart as i would never want to do anything to hurt him. He had a crap childhood, treated so badly by so many people.
Is there anyone there who knows about this kind of communication dificulties? I need some advise on how to help him and us as a family.
thanks, and apologise for rambeling and bad spelling!

LittleBlueBoat Sun 15-May-11 19:02:36

From what you have written there are a lot of different problems not just the dyslexia.

You need to take each issue at a time. You need relate to help break down his disfenciveness and improve trust between you. It can also help with the communication so that you are both on the same page and your husband does not get defensive.

Your husband needs to get counciling/assessed for PTSS as a result of having undiagnosed dyslexia and for his mothers mind games.

The assessment will or should also come up with coping stratagies for the both of you to use. Knowledge is power and its important that you both understand what type od dyslexia he has and all the ways in which it affects him.

Once you get the assessment you can then read up on it and together find a way forward that works for you.

Also try putting yourself in his shoes. Imagine if you had a disability that no one can see and that they said or made you do what you can't. Its sometimes feel like asking a wheelchair user to walk, now can you see where his defenciveness is coming from?

I am dyslexic and i have a reading age of 12 and a spelling age of 13 yo and i'm 29yo. I had PTSS and a bad childhood and its hard to tell someone who is not dyslexic what its like as its normal to me as i know no different.

You need to support him and not make him feel dab about something he did not ask for and has no control over.

Good luck

fallingandlaughing Sun 15-May-11 20:17:16

I would say your husband needs a Speech and Language Therapy assessment, rather than or as well as a dyslexia assessment. Agree that he also needs help to look at childhood.

Could you try looking at advice for dealing with language difficulties in children (charities like Ican, Afasic etc) and adapting it to your own lives?

TheLaminator Thu 23-Jun-11 13:59:10

thank you both, and sorry it has taken me so long to get back on here. Toddler & newborn time flies!!!!!

We are in the process of gathering funding so he can go ahead with a full assesment. I would imagine/hope the need for speech and language therepy will come up during this as hubby has a bad stutter (his mum rekons he `caught` this at nursery!?)

I think goingthrough the process of assesment will help, not just with his life now, but also verifiying to himself (and everyone that let him down) that he has a disability & is not stupid. I`ve never thought this of him, but he thinks it of him self often sad

littleblueboat - PTSD, interseting. this is not something I had thought about, but would make an awful lot of sence.n i dont think he actually realises just how much damage his mum has & continues to do. We talk about it in general terms, like commenting on some of the things she comes out with as a bit weird, but not really much deeper than that. Any ideas as to how to approach this with him? He has been offered CBT as his gp thinks he may be depressed. Would it be pointless/damaging if he went through this process if the real issues were not being tackled?

We`ve talked about couples counciling, but we are on the same page, and definatley feel its outside factors that are causing the problems. There are no resentments held & we are very honest with each other. Even with our difficulties we are close & loving and safe within our relationship.

falling andlaughing - cheers, i`ve check out those charities and lots more online.

I`m reading `The Gift of Dyslexia` by Ronald D Davis and so much more stuff is making sence now, Has anyone else read this or experienced any of the correcting proceedures? Seems almost like magic? any feedback would be helpful.

thanks again smile

strawberryjelly Thu 23-Jun-11 14:05:17

I'm a dyslexia trained specialist and have a dyslexic son and DH- I'll PM you.

strawberryjelly Thu 23-Jun-11 14:06:50

p.s the book by R Davis is just one view on the topic- he has his critics- including me- in terms of remediation.

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