Just read the thread re narcissistic mothers and wondered what you would all make of my mum? My gorgeous son is now 7 weeks old. From the start mum hasn't been as interested in this baby as she was my first, now nearly 3. For example she knitted for my first and said she was too busy (she works 4 hours a week) to knit anything for the new baby. She hasn't bought anything for the baby except a shorts and t shirt set yet my first son was showered with gifts.
Mum and dad live 50 mins drive away, it's about 30 miles. Dad is 82 and developing dementia over past few years. She has just turned 70 but is fit and well, very active. I am their only child and there were arguments some years back just after my first son was born about dad driving as he has visual hallucinations. Mum said she felt unsafe with him driving too. Eventually it was agreed he wouldn't drive distances anymore and since then they have barely visited. They have been on bus about 4 times in the past 2 years but this takes 3 hours each way so its not practical. There is a train route but they won't entertain coming this way, I'm not sure why but suspect its because they have a free bus pass but would have to pay for the train. Mum can drive but refuses to drive here as the most direct way involves a short stretch of motorway which she won't drive on. There are several other non motorway routes but she won't try them despite me offering to accompany her, have her follow me etc. So basically she says that she lives too far away to come to me.
When I was pregnant for the second time my biggest worry was who would care for my son when I was in labour. I asked mum. She said she'd come and I spoke about getting a taxi arranged and prepaid etc for her. However nearer the time she said she didn't think she could leave my dad and I should make other arrangements. I was really hurt and struggled to make these I think mainly because I felt this should have been my mums role. But I did arrange for friend to take him.
Anyway to cut a long story short my labour was horrendous, 69 hours culminating in an emergency c section. I lost 2 litres of blood and was very unwell. My childcare arrangements were a disaster as I had only expected at most to need 1 overnight, although friends helped massively mum never offered to come.
My partner obviously rang my mum following the birth to tell her she had a new grandchild and she said she and Dad would visit in 2 days time, not the next day as she had to work (she is a self employed yoga teacher, she runs a 2 hour class). At this point DP had words with her, he felt strongly she should cancel work given how poorly I was (and that she had a new grandson) but she refused. Anyway the next day she got my dad to ring my DP to say it wasn't worth coming for 1 hour (hospital visiting hours). Another row ensued and eventually they turned up the next day having got a lift with friends of theirs. This was a very strained visit, I was pretty much off my head on painkillers and still in bed on drips / catheter etc. She didn't even bring me a bunch of flowers or anything.
Because my son then became unwell with severe jaundice we were in hospital for 9 days after the birth. They didn't visit again.
On return home again no visit was arranged however this was academic because within 2 days my son was back in hospital this time with bronchiolitis. This was terrifying and he ended up on a ventilator (cpap machine) and in hospital for a further 9 days. On top of this I was not recovering well from surgery and had a wound infection. It may sound dramatic now but at the time I thought my baby might die. Also we had major problems with sorting childcare for my older son so we could both be at the hospital. After me explicitly begging her, my mum came for 1 night, driven by friends, and again made it clear she would have to return to go to work and care for my dad (though she happily leaves him for several hours most days to go shopping). She said she couldn't let her class down and needed the money. Money is not an issue for them she has since purchased a brand new car. She looked after my son but expressed little or no concern re the new baby or how I was coping.
Thankfully we are all home and recovered now. Up until today I haven't been able to drive following my section and I'm still sore. I have really wanted what everyone else seems to have; a mum to come and mother me through this awful time. I've been don, in pain, emotionally exhausted, arguing with DP and unable to keep on top of a house, toddler and new baby. I have told her I am struggling, she just says things will get better. A few times she has commented she wished I lived nearer so she could help.
We have been over to mums once with the kids, I felt pressure to go as they hadn't really met their new grandson. She hasn't been here again. She is putting some pressure for me to visit again, making comments like she doesnt know what the baby looks like but she hasn't made any offer to come here.
Am I being unreasonable to feel it's her duty to come to me? When my older son was born I drove over weekly so they could see him and the same is clearly expected now. She doesn't seem to realise (or care?) what I have been through physically or emotionally.
I think that she just doesn't love me and isn't interested in her new grandson. This is unbelievably hurtful and I am consumed with turning it over in my head again and again, wondering if I have done something to cause it, if I could do something to fix it, to give me a mum like everyone else seems to have. I needed a mum over the past few weeks.
What do other people think?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Is it me or my mother? What have I done wrong? Can it be fixed?
shelfy74 · 10/05/2011 22:09
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