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I've been the Other Woman. Feel so stupid and guilty.

(93 Posts)
working9to5 Wed 04-May-11 11:35:24

I have no excuse.
I always knew he had a girlfriend, though hoped it would end because they hadn't been together long. To begin with we were just friends but there was always an undercurrent.

I should have stopped seeing him when he moved in with her, and I did cool it off for a bit but he started telling me how much he missed me and how he was always thinking of me.

I hoped he'd be with me one day. He was constantly telling me how much he felt for me and cared about me, how lovely I was, how much I meant to him.

The day we first kissed was a shock to us both, but really it shouldn't have been because we'd put ourselves in a position for it to happen.

After we first had sex I tried to end it telling him I wouldn't be the OW. He told me he'd work it out so we could be together.

I only lasted a few weeks before he reeled me in telling me how much he had missed me and wanted to hold me. He told me he loved me.

I tried to end it a few more times but loneliness and his declarations of love always got the better of me. I didn't think of his girlfriend as a person, I convinced myself he was with her for convenience. I didn't let myself think of her feelings or what I was doing to her.

I let myself be convinced that he really did have feelings for me and really did care. I thought he was just playing it safe and making sure it was going to work between us before ending it with her.

It killed me everytime he said he was going 'home'. Because home was her. Being with him was causing me more pain than good, I wanted a real relationship with someone who loved me but instead was pathetically hanging around for scraps.

A few months ago I realised I was never going to be any more to him and ended it. This time I succeeded because I was no longer believing there was any future in it. It still hurts, I fell for him completely and letting go has been hard.

Ironically someone has now told his girlfriend about us. He has denied everything and asked me if I would meet her and convince her we are just friends. Just shows how little my feelings count to him. I've told him I won't do it. I can't lie to save his relationship. If he'd admitted to it and she wanted to confront me I'd find that easier. I know I was wrong and would be willing to face the consequences but I've been complicit in deceiving her enough and won't lie directly to her.

I can't believe I got into this situation. I'm a nice person. I NEVER thought I'd go with someone elses man. I hate myself for doing it. I can't believe I was able to disassociate myself from the reality of her as a person that I was helping to deceive and betray. I feel so stupid for believing I'd have a future with him and am disgusted with myself for even wanting that when he was already with her.

And I'm sorry. To her. And to all the other women that have been cheated on. I really am sorry and I know I have no excuse.

Aislingorla Wed 04-May-11 11:42:03

Good on you !
You are taking responsilbility for your actions and have analysed yourself and therefore won't make the same mistake again and will be a better person for it.
As for that weak man you were involved with........

ginnny Wed 04-May-11 11:49:21

I don't think you will get much sympathy on here tbh - good on you for apologising and not lying to his girlfriend for him.
He sounds like a complete arsewipe - the shame is that there are millions more like him out there sad

shocked2 Wed 04-May-11 11:57:10

You get my sympathy though! Everyone makes mistakes.
Is there any way you could go to counselling to get yourself into a stronger position so that you do not repeat the same pattern - and to put your life on an even keel where you are happy and fulfilled?
I think it must be much easier to be the "ow" when the primary partner is just a thought rather than a real person. The part I have most difficulty with is how "other women" or "other men" can still feel "in love" with their partner when they know how duplicitous the partner is being - surely that alone would put you off them? I had a 3.5 year crush on someone who is married - it was a nice fantasy but part of that fantasy was how nice this person is, and how could I have carried on thinking that if he had ever shown me any sexual interest even though he was married?
I wish you all the best smile.

ShoutyHamster Wed 04-May-11 12:24:41

Good on you for taking responsibility - sounds like you've learned your lesson. And well done twice for refusing to lie for him.

I won't go further and say if it were me I'd balance my karma a bit by letting her know exactly the kind of man she's wasting her time with...

smile

Bogeyface Wed 04-May-11 12:35:54

I'd agree to meet her and then fess up, but I'm like that!

zikes Wed 04-May-11 12:37:28

FFS, what is this bloke on? You're dead right not to meet her to lie.

Bogeyface Wed 04-May-11 12:55:09

I should clarify that I would meet her with him there, and fess up and drop him right in it. She deserves to know what a shit heel she is with and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Aislingorla Wed 04-May-11 13:03:41

I agree with Bogey. Why should he not face up to what he has done?
How long did the affair last?

yoshiLunk Wed 04-May-11 13:31:14

I agree with Bogey too, although i don't know if i'd actually do it <chicken emoticon>

Have a think though, you feel rotten about this and you feel bad for her. He will do it again won't he? He will if he gets away with it, he's even asked you to lie for him.

She deserves to know, it would actually be unfair to let her carry on without the truth, - put yourself in her position, he has strung you along, and he will be doing the same with her and she will be hoping he's telling the truth and they can carry on. You know he's a liar, why should you be the only one with that information?

gawdblimey Wed 04-May-11 13:37:40

so if it had all gone your way, and he wanted to be with you rather than her, you would be feeling smug and pleased ?

yoshiLunk Wed 04-May-11 13:46:21

I was about to say 'oh ffs' but actually it's interesting, - quite a good question to ask yourself, and probably impossible to answer now.

I don't get any 'poor me, I've lost him to her' from the OP though, only regret and self loathing.

cuteboots Wed 04-May-11 13:54:58

I feel sorry for you a little bit as its easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and you do sound very sorry for your actions. He on the other hand sounds like a right twat and deserves all he has coming to him. Dont even think about meeting her wihout him being there and then drop the little slimeball right in it. She needs to be told what a festering ball of slime shes dealing with

FreudianSlipper Wed 04-May-11 13:56:32

i have been the other women too

i was not aware at first, then stupidly went back then realised what i was doing finished it. he then left his wife it was all so messy, i felt trapped, he then went back i got on i got on with my life he would turn up every now and then, he had a breakdown because he eventually lost control and started to stalk me, had to change my number, he does not know where i live and i have ignored emails from him, i jsut delete them.

yes i felt guilty and rightly so, i feel guilty for his children, for his wife too she did the same to her ex partner and she said to me it must be karma, i do not see it that way. am i responsible for his actions no as i know he will be doing this again and again and his wife will hopefully one day move on

the thing is about being honest with her is it about her or about you off loading your guilt. you have to be careful not to get into a trap of being in the middle. your apology will mean nothing why should it, she does not need more humiliation but if you can in a discreet way admit the truth with as little detail as possible it might help her make sense of what she most likely already knows

working9to5 Wed 04-May-11 14:26:37

gawdblimey I don't think so. Early on yes I would have been pleased, I don't think smug because that's not really in my nature. Later, although I probably would have been happy to begin with and would have given it a shot I don't think it would have been the match made in heaven I was kidding myself it was. I'd certainly have had trouble trusting him. And I still would have felt awful for her. I have done right the way through although I managed to deliberately not think about her much of the time.

I have thought about telling his girlfriend the truth, the way he has lied so easily has shown me he is probably quite practised at this and that it wasn't that I was so special I had turned his head (as I had been deluding myself).

But I'm not sure my reasons for telling her would be the right ones...I think i'd partly be telling her to offload my conscience and partly to get revenge on him for sucking me in with his lies of feelings and love.

And really I should only blame myself for being so gullible, I'm sure most people would have seen through him and done the right thing by steering clear but instead I let myself believe that he had real feelings for me. If I'm honest I still have trouble accepting that he didn't mean it, he seemed so genuine.

Aisling we have known each other 16 months, first kissed in July, first slept together in September. Nothing has happened since February (although he has tried) and I haven't even seen him in a month. Which makes it a little strange that it has all come out now.

yoshiLunk Wed 04-May-11 14:34:59

"I think i'd partly be telling her to offload my conscience and partly to get revenge on him "

Yes it probably would be but the fact that you're aware of your feelings enough to analyse your motives should also mean that partly you would be hoping to do her a favour, - not to make yourself feel better but actually to genuinely help her.

spooktrain Wed 04-May-11 14:36:52

He is the real shit here of course...

He let you fall for him and no doubt enjoyed it and encouraged it

He then moved in with his GF while he was already seeing you

I very much think that if you hadn't come along he would have been cheating on his GF with someone else

I was in a similar situation once, and he once put his GF on the phone to me so I could lie to her! It was pretty much over by that stage but I was gobsmacked! I so should have just told her the truth - to get out of there fast

working9to5 Wed 04-May-11 14:40:17

I haven't been innocent in it though spooktrain...I should have been the better person and knowing that he was taken not let myself get in a position to fall for him. Instead I just kept hoping.

seachange Wed 04-May-11 14:46:50

Will read it properly later, but just wanted to quickly say thank you for posting that. Rightly or wrongly I have been hating the OW in our relationship so much today, felling utterly disgusted with what she was able to do, and insulted that my H was able to fall for someone who could do that, and describe as loving, generous and beautiful someone who inside is about the ugliest person I've ever come across.

Your post helps me see that it's possible she wasn't/isn't the monster I have in my head.

(Although she might be, I would prefer to imagine she felt something akin to your OP, I would prefer not to hate her.)

working9to5 Wed 04-May-11 14:48:37

I'm sorry seachange

seachange Wed 04-May-11 14:54:38

Me too sad

Incidentally, there's a book normally recommended for people trying to recover from affairs called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. There's quite a lot in it for the OW, specific chapters talking about why you might have found yourself in that position and how to move on. Might also give you an idea of what was going on in his head too.

cathkidstonbag Wed 04-May-11 15:17:14

Can understand totally what is going on in your head right now. Mine wasnt a physical affair, just an online thing. But I knew my OM was married (and I am too). If I'd read your post a year ago I would have had no sympathy for you, now I know how easy it us to get into something like this and the feelings afterwards. Mine was a total player too, already has someone else but I miss him so much. I kidded myself that I was special, that he needed me - actually that's what he told me sad But I'm not and he didn't.
No way should you have to lie to his girlfriend, I can see how you must feel that really she should know. I felt a little bit like that first, I knew nothing about OMs wife while we were "together" but have learnt since that she is a really nice person, great wife and mother. And I feel like such a huge b*tch for what I did. I hope OM gets his act together and she never has to know what he did/does to her. But if I was put on the spot, if I met her or she asked me I would be honest.
I had a lot of sympathy on my post about this. I was genuinely surprised that even women whose DHs had cheated were nice to me. There are such lovely helpful people on here smile
You have done the right thing walking away and I hope you soon find someone who can make you truly happy.

FreudianSlipper Wed 04-May-11 15:17:56

i have beaten myself up black and blue over what i did, but i have come to the conclusion that yes i was wrong but ultimately it was him that lied to his wife, it was him that choose to cheat

i know it sounds pathetic but whitney houstons song sort of sums it up, you are always last on their list but the time together the passion is heightened, sex tends to be great, they are on their best behaviour and when they go you feel so lonely, you promise not to do it again then the sweet talking starts sad

you will get over it and if he has told some humongous lies like my ex did you will one day be able to laugh at them an him for being such a dick

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 04-May-11 15:18:04

Seachange is right about NJF - it's a good read from all sides of the triangle and an especially good read for people who have never had any infidelity in their lives, but are in a relationship they want to protect.

Your thread illustrates that good people do bad things, but the measure of someone is whether s/he learns from it. I would have said the same about your ex, except he is now asking for his lies to be compounded.

In the immediate term, you might want to think about what you would say if his partner contacts you directly. I hope you would tell her the truth, because she deserves that much. I'm glad you've refused to lie.

However, it doesn't sound as though you have enforced a "no contact" rule if you say that you only saw him a month ago. You really need to block him from your life and prevent him contacting you or seeing you. Being able to contact you has propped him up I suspect, when he really needs to shit or get off the pot.

In the longer term, I think it would be helpful for you to examine what led to the choices you made. And make a pact with yourself that if his relationship ends, chances are you will never be told the truth about why, so you won't go back to him.

sunshine1986 Wed 04-May-11 16:12:52

I've been cheated on so you'll never get any sympathy from me! You knew what you were getting involved with and it's not as if you're innocent in all this. Obviously the bloke is at fault just as much if not more, but the only person i feel sympathy for the gf that's been cheated on.

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