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Please Help-- Advice needed re Emotional Affair is he seeing her i am sooo confused !!!!

(216 Posts)
krissydw1 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:00:17

Sorry for all if this message is long I just dont know what to think or believe anymore and need some perspective on the situation

My ex partner and father of my twins left me a week a go saying he didnt love me anymore etc . We have had problems and have broken up four previous times he always did the leaving saying he was unhappy with his life didnt want to be with me because i irritate him drink wine in the evenings etc he has hit me several times and i begged him back. All the other times he has returned saying he still loves me but later in a row says he wishes he was not with me then the next day he loves me so have been thinking he is happy but he isnt.

Anyways recently we set up a business started talking about a futire doing it together etc i asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he said he did. This same night he came home drunk and we had a massive row. I logged in to his fb and found out he was saying to a woman he works with he does not want to be with me he hates me and wants to leave but cant leave his kids and dreams about being with her. The next day i asked him of he loved me and to cut a long story short said yes. I did not mention that i know

Afew days later i was away and we spoke on the phone and textes he told me he loves me etc. Later that evening i loged on again to his fb bot expecting to find anything as i assumed the later contact was just venting after our row. What i found made me sick to my stomach messages to this woman saying he had to delete her coments cos i was asking questions about her that he hates me thinks about her everyday can even smell her. She responded with similar things gonna go to bed and dream about you etc and i dont want you to arguee with HER so will only text you on the mobile.

Two days later i went home and asked him if there was anything going on with her as have been asking for about a month before even finding anything because i had a feeling he said he loves me nothing going on etc. I could not let it go cos i know what i had read but did not want him to know that i had been snooping. Anyways he kept denying anything was going on. THE next day he was going on a works do with her and i kept asking him not to go because i thought something was going on he left me that day saying we just dont work etc maybe we dont but it seems that he was still prepared to work at it before he said we have just come to the end of the road etc. During the last three days leading up to this his phone had been stuck to him which it usualy isnt.


So i then went and confronted him i said why didnt you tell me there was something going on between you and her he went silent had a go at me for looking at his phone and said we are not together anymore so its nothing to do with you i asked to know what is going on and he said its not what i think he just felt sorry for her and after they went out for a drink he realises she is to needy for him that they are not together he does not want nothing to do with a married woman but at the same time says he left when he did cos he didnt want to lie but was gonna leave anyways. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I keep asking if he is with her and he keeps saying no but its nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! well maybe its not now but it kinda is cos they were carying on when we were together!!!!!

I just dont know what to think sorry for the long message

NimpyWindowmash Wed 20-Apr-11 23:07:30

What a total waste of space he is. He has tried every trick in the book and has been stringing you along. Yes of course he is seeing her, sorry. You should have nothing more to do with this jerk, not least because he has hit you.

textualhealing Wed 20-Apr-11 23:08:27

Oh lovey, I think you know deep down what to think but you don't want to accept the fact that he is a pig, untrustworthy and the messages give you concrete proof of his behaviour. In his misguided way, he doesn't want to hurt you and that's why he's denying this affair. Let him go. However painful it is and however confused you feel, you will feel a whole lot worse if you try and hang on to a bad relationship. You will get a sense of control if you make the decisions from this point on. I know it's a cliche but you deserve more.

Sunflower38 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:12:36

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Reading your post made me so sad. He has treated you like piece of shit and you have taken the abuse time and time again to try and keep your family together.

You can't do that if only one of you wants it to work.

I know you probably can't see the wood for the trees here, but don't you think you need to let him go? He is totally disrespecting you.

I really think your self esteem is shot to pieces and you feel you won't cope without him.

This guy just feeds you B to keep you sweet. All this I love you, no I don't is pathetic. You need to take some control back here and stop letting him control your life.

I know it hurts, but where is the future here? Be honest.

Sunflower38 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:13:46

Sorry, feeds you Bullshit...

krissydw1 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:24:24

Thanks so much for your messages ladies very sweet to reply so quickly. My self essteem is shot to hel and i cant see the wood for the trees. I may have painted it totaly one sided i mean he is not a wanker but mostly just acts like he is putting up with me like just being with me is working on things. Other stuff has been said but its to long to put here i keep telling him i know what i read on the texts and hes like its not like that i was just trying to confort here she is amrried but now have realised she is too needed etc. He keeps contradicting himself one miute saying her husband abuses he next he does not know that much about her. He always said he would leave me if it ever got to the point he wanted someone else but is saying he is not leaving me for her does not want to be with her as wants to be on his own.... maybe he is teling me shit as he does not want to hurt me but when i ask him if he is seeing her hes like NO ITS AS IF I HAVE THE CHEEK TO SUJEST HES HAS CHEATED HE WENT MAD AT MY ACCUSATION EVEN !!!!

krissydw1 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:26:56

Oh another thing i have forgot when i said well how would you feel if i was sending those messages to another man when i was with you he said it was all her doing the texting and he was not really with me in his head and was leaving anyway!!!!! in between telling me he loved me wtf

TheDreadPirateRabbits Wed 20-Apr-11 23:30:10

I'm so sorry, but he's not worth one of your thoughts - he's a knob and playing you both from the sounds of it. And he's hit you. No need to make excuses for him - see how quickly you can get your self-respect back once he's out of your life...?

Sunflower38 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:33:44

He's a liar and he is twisting it around to make you the bad guy to dare suggest he is at fault. He is some piece of work. He's pathetic actually.

I really hope you toughen up and kick him out of your life. He seems to make you miserbale. he can still be a dad, but you deserve a loving relationship, not this ridiculous set-up.

I find it so upsetting what some people put up with. He treats you like shit because he knows you aren't going anywhere.

krissydw1 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:36:39

The violence has been because i begged him to come back but he said he would never do it again the other night when i told him he had stopped giving me attention he hit me round the face not bad but still did its as if he only ever hits me when i irritate him so blame myself and i know he blames me for winding him up. he called me today to see if i was ok he is worried about me as am falling appart and being paraniod!!!!

Thanks girls i never used to be so needy and pathetic!!!!

krissydw1 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:38:14

i was going somewhere before i met him career ambition lots of it and drive i now have no drive left single mum on bennifits

TheDreadPirateRabbits Wed 20-Apr-11 23:45:01

No No No! He does not hit you because you irritate him! He hits you because he's a cunt!

Don't let him!

He's done a number on your confidence and probably fucked you over financially - but that doesn't have to be the end of the story. Kick him to the kerb and sort yourself out - you can you know.

krissydw1 Wed 20-Apr-11 23:58:53

Thankyou the advice from you all is giving me another view.....I dont know how i have become such a idiot put up with some of this stuff but its been very slow progress downward for me ... i keep thinking stupid things like he did this wonderful thing for me then how have i become such a pathetic knob?

Thanks for your messages girls they are really giving me some REAL strength

krissydw1 Thu 21-Apr-11 00:29:20

Also quite ashamed of this but have never really bonded with my kids never really planned them then had twins but everyone says how well i have coped what a chilled mum i am etc. I have shame to admit this but have always put him before the kids and up until today thought i loved him more, the other day i was moaning about my life to him ending up a single mum when i wanted a career a family i only ever wanted children after i met him. Anyway he keeps saying i should go and live my life he will happily have the kids not many women have that opportunity BUT AS low as i feel right now and sooooo need a break i know that would be the wrong thing to do

Wisedupwoman Thu 21-Apr-11 07:10:30


I have read your thread and I just know that others' are going to be along very soon to help you and you should read very carefully what they have to say.

I have first hand experience of what you are going through and I am 5 weeks into separation, divorce papers have been served and this was my worst nightmare.

But once I took control of my life with my DD I can honestly tell you that, although it is not easy and you cannot avoid the grief that separation causes, your life will be infinitely better once you get this fuckwit out of your head and your heart.

he is no good for you. He is messing with your mind. This is not your fault. Stop giving him permission to keep lying to you and abusing you.

Your DC's need a mum who can be there for them because in truth you are the only stable influence in their lives now. You doubt your relationship with them because your H has drained you of all your resources, and that tells me you must be stronger than you think you are - because men like this take alot of time and energy to keep them 'happy'. YOu might not feel like that now, but you must get all your friends and family around you and ask for their support alongside what you can get from here. When I did this I was completely taken aback by how much people want to help, in any way they can.

Do not worry yourself about what he's doing with OW. This is not in question. YOu have seen the evidence and he has shown himself to be an utterly dishonest and untrustworthy man. You may tell yourself that this is only part of the picture and you may be tempted to defend him as 'not all bad', but you are now dealing with a new situation and you have to respond to this, and not try to appeal to the man he might have been before.

Once you begin to do this he will see that he cannot fuck with you any more and he may regain some respect for you but most importantly you will regain your respect for yourself.

This is heartbreaking krissydw1. But you will get over it, I promise you. (hugs) to you.

FabbyChic Thu 21-Apr-11 07:30:20

Sorry you are going through this, he is lying to you and playing you.

No matter what you do hitting you is never your fault, resorting to violence and blaming it on you for winding him up is bollocks.

He doesn't know what he wants but it certainly isn't you.

He wants his cake and wants to eat it too, don't give him the satisfaction of allowing him to do that.

Be strong for you and your children. Get rid of him and start making a life for yourself.

Bucharest Thu 21-Apr-11 07:34:01

I've only read your first paragraph.
That's all I need to read.
Haven't read the replies either, but I know what they say, and you should listen to them
Get rid, now, you'll only look back
Good luck. You and your babies deserve so much more.

Wisedupwoman Thu 21-Apr-11 08:22:44

The other thing I want to say, OP, is get yourself to a solicitor asap for advice on everything, especially as there is potential for DV here. Information really is power and you need someone with clout on your side.

Use the DV forum here. Also make contact with your local women's aid for advice and I would find someone you trust who you can go to quickly with the children if you need to.

your priority is you and the DC's now.


madonnawhore Thu 21-Apr-11 12:02:20

Your relationship was over the moment he first hit you.

Good luck with getting away from this prick and moving on to a better future.

zikes Thu 21-Apr-11 12:21:43

I think the unfaithfulness is the least of your worries with this guy. He hits you - that is always unacceptable. You need to get out.

krissydw1 Thu 21-Apr-11 12:46:31

Hi guys thanks for your responses he just came over to see the kids and asked me what was wrong i said its that i am upset cos he lied to me about the other woman he went mental saying i am just a stupid little girl and lots of oither things i only care about my self and if i ever did want him back i am going about it the wrong way and am driving him further away he has never been so far away from me. why cant i just be a strong woman and just get on with it. My head is even more fucked cos have done somehing to push him away yet again i just cant cope with this my head is in such a mess. He is blaming me for being a dick so i make an atmosphere and he cant see his kids well i have the feeelings i do not sure how to handle it from now on other than just being cool to keep him sweet and keep my feelings to myself

Bucharest Thu 21-Apr-11 12:47:33

You're not reading those posts up there are you?
Please try.

Poogles Thu 21-Apr-11 12:49:42

It is not your fault he hit you it is HIS. Will he hit the kids if they wind him up? Last week DS2 drove me up the wall (tantrums followed by major whining). I got to the point where I wanted to lash out so I took myself to the bathroom, locked the door and counted to 100. Then came out and was calmly able to deal with DS. We all get pushed to our limits sometimes, but it is how we deal with it. He has no right to hit you. Ever. You don't want the twins to grow up and think this is the norm do you?

Wisedupwoman Thu 21-Apr-11 13:19:46

OP he is giving you an 'out' here - "if i ever did want him back i am going about it the wrong way" - so keep doing it the wrong way and he's got no excuse to worm his way back into your affections.

You see, at bottom, these guys are just plain fucking stupid (and in this case dangerous so please get some support in RL now).

He needs you much more than you need him, sweetheart, because he hasn't yet found some other poor female on which to inflict his poisonous shite - but he will as soon as he realises you are not the 'dick' (grrrr- how fucking dare he) he says you are.

He's doing this because he senses you have begun to stand up for yourself.

He does not love you. People who love each other do not verbally, physically and emotionally abuse others. He shows all the signs of a man who hates women.

And FFS, re-read the posts like Bucharest says.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 21-Apr-11 14:41:24

There is no possible other way to interpret those texts and messages than that he's got a thing going with another woman. He's furious with you because you've found out, not because you have done anything wrong yourself. He accuses you of being a silly little girl but frankly he would rather you were one instead of a woman with her own mind. He says you're pushing him away, but he's already gone! As for "you only care about yourself", isn't that a description of him not you? He wanted you to miss him and be crying for him and begging him to come back again, promising to believe his lies, forgiving him for anything horrible he chooses to do to you. Instead you were righteously angry. He can't have that, he has to try to put you back in the box. Well newsflash: you ain't a rubber dolly!

Having even one baby is exhausting and it must be more than doubly hard with two. I think, though, you'll find it easier to bond with them when you don't have to put so much emotional effort into a relationship with their self-centred father. I am pretty sure that in a couple of years' time you will be posting here "the only good thing that came out of my relationship with that man was my precious DCs".

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