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What on earth do I do? Advice needed please

(43 Posts)
LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 18:22:47

I have been with DP for 16 years and we have a DS of 10. He is not the person I first met all those years ago. He is very Jekyll and Hyde. He often tells me he loves me, always makes my lunches for work and dinner in the evening and buys me little surprises from the shops on a regular basis. However he also tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me a fucking retard or a spaz(knowing full well I hate those terms) or threatens to headbutt me during rows, will not speak to me in the mornings because he is not a morning person and I am too chirpy apparently, NEVER comes out with DS and I and spends lots of time on his X box and none with me. He has on occasion been violent - he once dragged me out of our car after a row and threw me down an embankment, I have a photos of me and Ds from when Ds was 6 months old where I have livid red handmarks on my arms and he has thrown me to the floor and kicked me before too. He blames this on the fact that he was bullied at school and because I wind him up. To complicate things he now has a degenerative back condition and is near disabled with the pain.

I am about to finish my nursing degree and am on my final placement which finishes in a few weeks and have really hit it off with one of the other male staff members. It wasn;t instant attraction but he has really grown on me over the past few weeks. He is amazing and just gets me completely. We have not done anything physically at all but we can talk for hours and regularly do because we work so closely together. We have started walking to work together from the railway station and recently started having after work drinks together once a week. He always asks to have me on his team and when we are working together I can see him always looking out for me and I do for him - it is like we naturally gravitate towards each other without intentionally doing so. When we are out he is so considerate and kind and complimentary without being sleazy. He is like my best friend already even though we have only known each other for a matter of weeks. I will not cheat on my DP for him but have been considering leaving him, getting DS and I a house together and taking our relationship further from there if he wants to. However despite our intense friendship I am concerned I am confusing attention for love. I always said to myself if I left DP it would be for someone more educated and who looks after himself a bit more as DP doesn't and I feel like his mother sometimes. Kindness, trust and friendship of course go without saying. However this man is not educated and is not bothered about grooming at all. Physically he is not my type at all and I am starting to become scared and am doubting myself. I do not want to mess this man around and always want him in my life, either as a partner or a friend but I would really like an outsider perspective. Do these things really matter? Do I really want him or is he someone who happens to be there for me in a turbulent time of my life? I was planning on moving back to Wales before I met him where my family are but now am comsidering staying in my current town even though after university all my uni friends will be moving back home too and I won't have many people left in this area at all. Am I being crazy? I am terrified and need some good advice please! Sorry if this is stupidly long

FabbyChic Wed 20-Apr-11 18:32:27

You are drawn to him because he treats you right.

Hardly surprising considering you have a pig for a husband.

It isn't the man you want at all it is how he treats you.

I think changing your life long plans for this man would be wrong.

I is purely friendship nothing more.

purplerabbitofinle Wed 20-Apr-11 18:35:53

It sounds like you've already made the decision regarding your "D"P.

I suggest you concentrate on starting a new life as a single mum and nurse, and if this new man is still as supportive in a year or so then see how things go

But, at the moment, you need to concentrate on you and your son, and get yourself away from the abusive dickhead you're married to

HTH

TheOriginalFAB Wed 20-Apr-11 18:41:28

Are you married? If not, get the fuck out of there and have some time alone before you jump from one nightmare relationship to potentially another one that isn't a good one for you and your child.

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 18:42:04

Thank you Fabby and Purple - I have been so unhappy over the years and really lonely too. I don't feel lonely since I met this man. I feel like I have met someone who will always fight my corner regardless and he is the first person I want to tell when something happens. I hate what my DP has done to me over the years and although DS loves him, he is really aware of his dads anger problem. It broke my heart a few months ago when after a screaming fit from DP, Ds brought me a tissue and told me it might be best to stay upstairs for a while so his dad couldn't shout at me anymore. Bastard. I am so bloody weak, I should have left years ago but was so so scared. I am scared now. What a bloody mess

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 18:43:44

The orginal - I would not bring this other man into my Ds's life for a long time and not until I was sure, if this is what I decide to do. I am scared in case he is the one and I don't do anything about it. I am scared in case he isn't and I become involved. But no DP and I are not married thank fuck.

Trifle Wed 20-Apr-11 18:43:50

You've put up with shit from your husband, endured beatings, verbal abuse, exposed your son to this wanker and only now, because a bloke is being nice to you, do you consider leaving !!!

Goodness me, you should have been out of there when your son was 6 months old. Why on earth have you waited so long.

purplerabbitofinle Wed 20-Apr-11 18:45:30

He is abusive and has done this to you. Ignore Man II for now, if it's meant to be it'll happen when the time is right. For now, ring Women's Aid, your Mum, your best mate, your Aunty's cousin's dog breeder or anyone else with a spare bedroom or two. Then decide whether to go now or after you finish your placement now now now and what you're going to tell your P. In other words, make an exit plan.

Unrulysun Wed 20-Apr-11 18:46:22

It's not a choice between these two men. It's a choice between staying or going. Then after that there's another decision about whether you want to (gently, slowly) take the next step with this other guy.

You clearly know that the 'right' decision is to leave. How does that make you feel?

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 18:47:40

Because I was scared Trifle and very cowardly too. I had an abusive childhood too - guess this is all I know. The family in Wales are not my parents. But as I have got older I have become more aware that this is not normal and not right. I want better for both of us now. Just out of interest have you been in an abusive relationship yourself because "simply leaving" is not as easy as it looks when you have no money and a limited support network

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 18:49:14

An exit plan is a good idea and one that needs to be done. I feel excited Unruly but terrified of the unknown too. I have come close to leaving so many times but have never done it. But quite frankly the thought of still being with DP when we are old is horrendous

TheVisitor Wed 20-Apr-11 18:50:29

Time to get a place for you and your son, then take stock of your life. This man is being lovely to you, and you've been treated with such derision for so long, that it's like a child being given sweets and going back for more. You deserve a better life, as does your son. If this man is the right one, then he'll be willing to wait for you to sort yourself out before a relationship can happen. Do ring Women's Aid, as they can help massively.

Trifle Wed 20-Apr-11 18:54:47

Your partner was brought up in an abusive violent household and now you have ensured that your son has too. Talk about history repeating itself. How proud will you be when your son beats his wife up, screams in her face, shouts abuse, after all, he leant how to behave from you two didnt he.

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 19:07:45

Thevisitor - you are spot on. That is my situation to a tee. I have called Womens Aid before and they just talked about shelters. What else could they do practically?

Trifle - you didn't answer my question. If you really have nothing constructive to say and are just on here to criticise then kindly go elsewhere please. Unless you have been in this situation you will never know how hard it is to just leave. I never asked for any of this and if you read my post you will see it was me who was brought up in an abusive household not him.

millie30 Wed 20-Apr-11 19:12:55

OP why on earth are you getting bogged down wondering about this new man? You need to think of your son and get out of this abusive situation. If this man is a good friend he will still be there for you when you have got yourself safe and settled. But a relationship with him, or anyone else for that matter, should really not be your priority right now.

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 19:16:54

Millie - I think it is probably because for the first time in a long time I feel like I have someone 100% there for me. My friends in Wales who know what this relationship is like all have their own problems - one has been bereaved numerous times over the last few years, another is in an abusive relationship herself and another has a child with challenging SN. I feel like this has given me strength I did not have before. Ds, despite everything, worships his dad but I worry so much about what he has seen and of course I blame myself for being so weak.

verlainechasedrimbauds Wed 20-Apr-11 19:22:39

Trifle - you are not being very helpful. Have a biscuit

OP : the good thing is you are now recognising what you need to do. I can entirely understand why you are drawn to someone who is being kind and supportive but the advice you are getting IS sensible: you need to escape from the abusive relationship you are in first. You might cause yourself many more problems if you turn to this new friend and launch into a new relationship on the rebound from this one. Hopefully he will want to help you and will be considerate and remain your friend and nothing more for the time being.

Can you call Women's Aid as suggested? It will be more useful to get advice and support from them when considering your exit strategy.

Good luck.

FuppyGish Wed 20-Apr-11 19:23:42

It does seem a little sad that you wouldn't leave for your son (and exposed him to this horrible screaming violent childhood) yet now you've met a man you're going to leave.

I suggest you spend time just you and your son and forget about men all together for a while.

merrywidow Wed 20-Apr-11 19:25:44

Trifle thats harsh.

I didn't leave my abusive H LaLa, however he died and I was released from it. Its very hard to leave and they say that many women make on average seven attempts before they do finally go.

I think the new mans kindness has probably bought your current relationship into harsh profile and I am not surprised. I don't need to tell you your P is treating you appallingly you already know.

I would suggest you start to plan a future for yourself and DS without your P immediately. Concentrate on that first. Use all the help you can get; and there will be plenty of good advice here from women who have 'been there'

If the new relationship is right, it will wait ( I have known my current DP for many years and we waited, then we were both in the right place at the right time )

millie30 Wed 20-Apr-11 19:29:37

OP I don't think you should blame yourself, but I do think you need time to heal and become happy on your own before you jump into anything new. It's great that his friendship has given you strength, and hopefully he will be there for you, but you need to be self reliant so that if he isn't the man you thought he was it won't be the end of the world. I had to flee to a refuge with my DS and it is only now, nearly three years later that I could even begin to contemplate possibly having a new relationship at some point; I had to do some work on myself first. I really would give Women's Aid a call, they can provide outreach support and help you deal with some of the practicalities.

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 19:29:46

Thank you Verlaine - I think I will call WA and see if I get a better response than I got last time. I probably realise why I am blinded by the attention and respect I am getting. It is so normal for most people yet really refreshing and a little addictive for someone like me. I have always wanted the best for my DS and realise I have failed him in lots of ways. I have overcompensated for DP in many different ways and always thought I was putting him first but by staying I now know I wasn't. It has been so so hard over the years but I want a better future for both Ds and I and now seems like the time to do it. My nursing degree will help with this too and will give me the financial security I never had before.

Fuppy - you are right in everything you say. I need to concentrate on me and Ds for now but would it be so wrong to keep this man in my life albeit as an amazing friend?

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 20-Apr-11 19:30:37

Trifle, if things were that simple no one would stay in abusive relationships. It can be very hard to break patterns, and also even to recognise your experiences as abuse in the first place. Your posts are really harsh.

verlainechasedrimbauds Wed 20-Apr-11 19:31:01

Wow! I'm really surprised that posters don't understand how suddenly coming across a kind friend after being in an abusive relationship would be amazingly seductive? I agree that it would be really foolish to get romantically involved at this stage, but I honestly think that if I were in OP's shoes this new man would seem like a bit of a saviour. I do think that's a dangerous illusion (though if you can keep it as friendship then I think it could be somethig useful) but I can see that meeting someone who treats you properly could suddenly wake you up to the possibility of something better. What's wrong with that?

I'm just surprised at the blame being heaped on the OP for not doing something about escaping the abusive relationship earlier - that's not a lot of use to her is it?

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 19:32:00

Thank you Millie and Merry. You both give very sound advice - especially considering you have both been there too. I don't want ot become reliant on this new man and I am certainly not looking for a new father figure for DS. I just want a peaceful and happy life.

LaLaLuLu Wed 20-Apr-11 19:34:02

Verlaine - your understanding has brought tears to my eyes. I really feel you understand where I am coming from. Thank you smile

And thank you AKiss too - it is really hard to break patterns. I have never lived with anyone aside from my parents and DP so you can kind of see why I might have found this so difficult.

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