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"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

(819 Posts)
Snowdropfairy Thu 31-Mar-11 14:04:18

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Snowdropfairy Tue 05-Apr-11 21:34:33

I just cant stop crying.

I hate being like this but i just cant stop myself. I feel so bad about myself, i should be better than this.

hariboegg Tue 05-Apr-11 21:35:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowdropfairy Tue 05-Apr-11 21:36:51

My 2yo keeps coming up to me saying mummy and hugging me and it just makes me cry more.

I'm letting him down.

Snowdropfairy Tue 05-Apr-11 21:39:08

I think i would be better off dead and so would everyone else with out me in their lives.

Humber Tue 05-Apr-11 21:39:19

Sorry that was a cross post before. Hariboegg is right, balls to your inlaws. Are you still having cramps?

hariboegg Tue 05-Apr-11 21:40:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowdropfairy Tue 05-Apr-11 21:40:37

Yep sad

Snowdropfairy Tue 05-Apr-11 21:41:32

Pass me a paper bag grin

When will i feel better?

hariboegg Tue 05-Apr-11 21:41:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowdropfairy Tue 05-Apr-11 21:48:42

Sorry i will leave

Sorry if i have offended anyone

Humber Tue 05-Apr-11 21:51:08

no need to go snowdrop

RubberDuck Tue 05-Apr-11 22:25:51

Snowdrop please don't go.

People would not be better off without you. This is hormones and other life crap talking. Please please please get some proper help - go to the GP, get some therapy sorted.

Thinking of you tonight.

ManicPanic Tue 05-Apr-11 22:29:35

Have private messaged you Snowdrop XXXXX

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 08:33:47

I'm ok.

I have depression and i just got very low very fast.

I'm sorry i posted. I'm on meds, i will see MHN on the 18th and tell her what happen. As well as my HV and family support worker.

I just had big triggers, raging hormones, half meds and i just went very low very fast and i didn't see it.

My DH is great and helps. Its an illness and i will get better.

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 08:35:21

Also Cramps and spotting has stoped but so has the morning sickness. I will just have to wait and see.

RubberDuck Wed 06-Apr-11 08:36:39

Snowdrop - thanks for coming back and posting. Was worried about you Glad you've got some medical care in place.

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 08:39:14

I needed it grin

It does not happen often and is getting better but last night was just a blip!

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 08:57:18

Sorry for scaring people

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Wed 06-Apr-11 09:14:05

just a quick post with hugs for snowdrop.

I'm in slow labour, so will probably only be lurking for a while.

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 09:18:26

How meny weeks are you?

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 09:19:20

Congrats smile

hariboegg Wed 06-Apr-11 10:40:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hariboegg Wed 06-Apr-11 10:40:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Wed 06-Apr-11 11:38:43


Hope you are feeling better, snowdrop. <hugs>

podsquash Wed 06-Apr-11 13:00:31

glad to see you a bit better, snowdrop. Take good care.

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 14:44:33


I just feel embarrassed now. I have to remind myself that it is an illness and at least i'm getting treatment and getting it put right.

My mum never did.

droves Wed 06-Apr-11 16:03:02

Snowdrop , you ok love ?
Have had wobbles like yours in the past myself. Its good your getting treatment , and the meds will soon work properly if you keep taking them.


Keep posting , dont be embarrassed , most of us have been "down the black pit" ,you dont go through childhoods like ours and not battle depression on some level. You will beat this , i promise.


Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 16:15:17

Thanks Doves

Family support worker has just left. I had 5 triggeres in 2 hours and spriled very fast.

But now i'm worried about moving house as we cant live with four people shiring a bedroom.

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 16:16:19

Life is never easy sad

I need a meditation to be more posative.

droves Wed 06-Apr-11 16:30:05

Snowdrop , i know what you mean...too many triggers and its like a switch gets flipped !

Carefull with changes to your meds. When i was on ads every time the dose/med was changed, id go a bit confused .
I also went suicidal when i tried to wean off them the first time... it took 4 years to get off the ads (after i was stable for 12 months).

Its really good you have a family support worker .

Any time you want to pm me for a chat about ads (or anything) youd be very

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 16:35:37

Thanks smile

After this sort of stuff it always shakes my confidence and i feel as if i'm starting for step one again sad

I'm just taking it easy today and i will sort everything out tomoro.

Also yes its like a switch that goes.

droves Wed 06-Apr-11 17:04:49

step one is still one step in the right direction ! smile

Taking it easy is good. Be kind to yourself. try and get some pampering done....i know it sounds daft but it really does help get that confidence back...heck even a nice bubble bath will do !

Snowdrop , i like you . You are funny and kind and sweet and always have time to comfort and help other posters . When you talk about your dh and son , there is such warmth and affection... you really love your little family. And from what you say about them , they love you too.

I wish you were my RL friend and not just a Mn friend. Give yourslf a hug and a brew and put your feet up lass.

Snowdropfairy Wed 06-Apr-11 19:37:39

Thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me smile

droves Wed 06-Apr-11 20:59:01

smile .

Snowdropfairy Thu 07-Apr-11 08:09:10

I have a question, my head is all fuzzy at the mo and i'm not sure if i'm being unreasonable.

My eldest sister called me last night. She has twin boys and i havn't been to see them but i did send a card via moonpig. She wanted to know when we were going over to see them. Isaid we were not due to the fact i'm not talking to mum and dad and Middle sister and Brother are not in contact anyway. We have no where to stay and its not fair on a 2 year old and pg woman to be in car for 4 hours in one day. Also we have no money right know. Its my Birthday next Wednesaday and she asked if i was doing anything then - i said no. Then she said that everytime she goes to mum's she said how much she misses my son. That its not fair to stop my son seeing his grandpearents and that he will grow up not knowing then as he is so young. I asked her to email me pic's of twins but she told me she was busy and that i should go see them!

She will not send photo's as she is trying to guilt me in to going over there - right?

Am i being mean? Unreasonable?

DH said its up to me what i want us to do as its my xfamily.

Snowdropfairy Thu 07-Apr-11 08:11:35

Even if i had the money i wouldn't want to go see them now!

RubberDuck Thu 07-Apr-11 08:31:17

You're not being mean.

Remember you don't have to give reasons for why you won't do something. "No" is a complete sentence! Don't give them something for them to argue you round with.

Yes, your son deserves grandparents. Put he deserves decent grandparents who love him for who he is and want the best for him. No grandparents wins over toxic grandparents every single time.

I would suggest next time you're in contact with eldest sister that you're very firm. Tell her that's the way it is and you're sorry if that hurts her, but you're not going to change your mind. Don't let her get into any tit for tat. It's her choice if she doesn't want to send photos (a painful one for you, but her choice all the same). She should respect your choices if she wants any kind of relationship with you.

MizzyDizzy Thu 07-Apr-11 09:36:36

Hi Snowdrop

"....she is trying to guilt me in to going over there - right?"

Yes...and from what you say she is also trying to guilt trip you about contact with your DS's grandparents.

Your sister had no need to tell you what your mum said re your DS...if your mum was that bothered about contact the logical thing is to approach you directly....not moan to your sister so she just happens to mention it to you!

As for not sending you photo's....well, that's just plain silly old game playing...same as my lot...if you want this - then you have to do as you are told! Grrr!

Glad you are feeling a bit better sweetheart. xx

femalevictormeldrew Thu 07-Apr-11 13:07:04

I have been snooping around here for a while, and I am not sure if I am entitled to be here even. It is not me that has the family trouble, it is my DH, and it is not something he even realises, but it is very obvious to me. I have issues with my MIL, who is the best grandmother in the world, but has big issues in letting my DH go/grow up. DH was battered quite regularly when he was a child by his father, but he seems to have accepted it, and my MIL does not accept that this has any bearings on the problems he has now (problems with anger and things that I have got so used to that I can't even see anymore). Am going to lurk around here and see if anything rings any bells with me.

Snowdropfairy Thu 07-Apr-11 16:09:17

Welcome Femalevictormeldrw (love the name grin)

MD - thanks its game playing and i need to take myself out of it and just leave her to it i think. I can't force them to give pic's. I'm sad that not one of my xfamily members can be nice.

Is it too much to ask for, that my xfamily are just nice and civil to each other - to me?

I'm upset that i dont have a nice mum to get excited with about "Newbaby", to pick out clothes, to have a meal out with, to talk to and just feel like i belong to a loving extended family.

hariboegg Thu 07-Apr-11 16:27:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MizzyDizzy Thu 07-Apr-11 16:53:47

Hi femalevictormeldrew <waves> lurk all you like... smile


"Is it too much to ask for, that my xfamily are just nice and civil to each other - to me?"

This is going to sound abrupt...but I don't know any other way of putting brace yourself....xx

Yes, I think with our types of families it is asking too much. Not because we don't deserve their love and respect but because they are incapable of giving it.

They don't have the capacity to love, care and cherish others. The more we 'wish' for things to be different the more we hurt...the saddest thing of all is the only one hurting through their lack of love is us. They don't hurt because in their eyes the way they are behaving is the correct way. I now feel sorry for them (my blood family) rather than myself....I know what real love is they will probably go to their graves never knowing. sad

I didn't have the 'newbaby' joy from my lot either...tbh you really don't want to know what their opinion is regarding children, suffice to say they didn't think it was one of my best ideas!

I was lucky I had friends that shared my joy with me instead...all the things I should have done with my blood family, choosing the pram, decorating the nursery, choosing the babygro's etc I shared with my chosen family ie my friends...well, my 2 friends!

Can you 'replace' your family's input so to speak with other people who are truly happy for you Snowdrop??

Will us bunch of dysfunctional people do to share your joy with?

Snowdropfairy Thu 07-Apr-11 16:56:05

I did tell her but she didn't care.

Golden brother's wife is due this month so no other grandchild exsits now.

hariboegg Thu 07-Apr-11 19:36:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MizzyDizzy Thu 07-Apr-11 21:18:28

Hi hariboegg

It took me ages to make some real friends...but I was lucky I had 20 years away from my blood family...this gave me the time to establish the friendships before my latest engulfment.

Don't give up...I'm a great believer in friends being the family we chose. smile

Hoping you are Ok Snowdrop and I wasn't too blunt?

I just wanted to point out NONE of this has anything to do with are perfect just the way you are...they are the ones who are missing out. x

femalevictormeldrew Thu 07-Apr-11 21:22:21

Can I ask a question please? Can anyone tell me in simple terms, or point me in the right direction to what Narcisstic means? I have some idea, and I have tried googling but it brings up loads and loads of stuff. From what I do know of it, it sounds like traits in my MIL, but I want it cleared up for me!

MizzyDizzy Thu 07-Apr-11 21:24:21

Here you go...lots of links to other info' too...

femalevictormeldrew Thu 07-Apr-11 21:27:52

Gone for a read now, thanks MizzyDizzy

Snowdropfairy Fri 08-Apr-11 08:02:28

MizzyDizzy - not too blunt just true.

Sorry i missed your post first time! then i had to get Air from nursary, make tea then bedtime stuff and when he eventually went to sleep at 10pm i was so tired i feel asleep with him!

I only have one friend and that its a distance friendship. We meet at uni and have been friends ever since. But she lives with her mum and dad and has now classed her self as A sexually! My DH thinks she is gay but not coming out! I like her cos she is none judgemental.

My other friend is a male who is very camp and i have known him since i was a baby. He is a youth councilor and works with challenging children. But we are not close at all and only see each other once every 2-3 years.

My other "friend" is an eco worrior and an anacist! She is an Enivronmental Scientist and wants to join Green Paece!

My Xfamily have never liked any of my friends and has openly insulted all of them grin

I have known all of then for 11+ years and everyone would help me bury a body if i needed any help grin

In friendships i tend to look for none judgement easygoing people. Not like my xfamily.

Snowdropfairy Fri 08-Apr-11 08:06:13

I keep people at a distance and i find it hard to form close relationships.

Even with my Husband i have so meny walls up and if he triggers me then they all go back up and he feels like its starting from step one again with me.

Think people find it hard to make a connection with me.

MizzyDizzy Fri 08-Apr-11 08:27:03

grin Hey Snowdrop you have more friends than me! <pulls sulky face>

Your xfamily don't like your friends because they are YOUR friends...and beyond their influence. Cool! wink

I don't know about you but acquaintances I can pick up at will....taking the relationship to the next level where they become friends is my problem.

I think it's to do with trust...they want me to trust them as this is the natural pattern of friendships, but whenever a relationship starts getting beyond general chit chat I often find I suddenly have nothing to say! It's like my mind goes blank and I just clam up.

I don't worry about this too much though I feel that learning to trust again is part of our at least for now am going to just go with it hoping that more friends will be made in due course.

<crosses fingers>

I must admit even after 20 odd years of being with my DH it is very easy for him to say/do something completely innocent and for me to be triggered into doubting everything I ever thought I ever knew about him...we usually talk it through though and it does become easier... but doesn't seem to go away completely.

I'd love to have the self belief and peace of mind my DH does about stuff...maybe one day?

Snowdropfairy Fri 08-Apr-11 09:25:56

I totaly understand about the husband and peace of mind.

For the whole time i was with Husband from the begining on ward everyday - more that ten times a day - i would question why is he with me, why does he like me, my me. But it was more this is wrong i need to leave before it goes too far, i cant let him in or he will not like me, he will hurt me.

It was bumpy for years, even after we got married i still had these thoughts. Even when i had his baby i still wanted to leave husband.

Then i went on Anti-depressents, had counciling found out why i felt like that and then i made a decision to trust my husband. I'm in this relationship and if it fails its ok but as i'm in it i may as well give it my all and enjoy it.

Its hard to jump in and just trust someone but i feel so much better for doing it. I dont have any these thoughts everyday just once in a while when i have a wobble.

I didn't relise how tiring it is to not turst someone, to contuntly tie myself in knots thinking about it all the time.

I feel better for trusting but i relise and accept that it will not stop my marrage falling apart or how my husband feels but i will have no regrets.

Snowdropfairy Fri 08-Apr-11 20:03:51

I'm hormonal and crying.

PIL has given a lot of money to DH without me know as - i would have refused. But stright away my DH came and told me.

We need the money right now but things will be better so we offered to pay them back then and they said no its for food for there grandchildren!

I'm very happy that they are helping us out but i just dont get it confused

My mum and dad would never do that for me every. They would not think about me or my family.

I feel embrassed and upset that we need help even thou we did nothing stupid to not have money right now but they just want to help and not put us down or belittle me.

Wow is this what having normal pearents is like?

Now starts the feeling of waiting for the punchline! or just the catch!

Snowdropfairy Mon 11-Apr-11 13:12:54

My sister called me.

My mum and dad are losing their memories. She is concerened because they are forgetting things and that they are old and living on their own.

She said that they do not remember ss getting involved and that they told my xbrother he would have to leave home if he hit me again. They are very upset because i'm telling lies shock.

My sister told me that they are lossing their mind and that she remembers it all and that i should have more compassion with them. She said they are not trying to deny my truth they are just old.

Que major guilt on my part.

It still doesn't make them nice people.

garlicbutter Tue 12-Apr-11 00:09:08

I just have to document this, weird as it surely will sound to some. I apologise for butting in on a very moving conversation. I just switched the telly on for a quick break from tonight's marathon cook. There was a film on, showing a torture scene. When I see scenes like that, I reflexively ask myself "What would I do?" Tonight I answered, "Tell him! Even if I didn't know the information, I'd guess it! I don't want to be tortured!"

It's the first time in my life I've answered myself that way. I've lied to other people in conversation - ever since I remember, keeping silence under torture has been a personal directive. I don't know why, exactly, but I can guess (thanks, Dad.) I have made it my mission to learn pain management techniques; nobody ever has tried to pull my fingernails out with pliers or anything, thank god, but I'm good enough that it usually takes too long for doctors to treat me. I had dentistry without anaesthetic until my first adult tooth extraction.

I am SO HAPPY I'VE CHANGED!!!!! I've changed grin I don't want to endure pain; I don't respect silence more than my own safety. I've changed, hurrah.
Umm, thanks for listening blush There's no-one else to tell.

garlicbutter Tue 12-Apr-11 00:24:49

Snowdrop, I have to read back a couple of pages to catch up but I really empathised with your last post. The majorly important thing, of course, is that your sister remembers things you remember. That's not only validation, it's shared pain & disappointment ... even if she doesn't frame it that way herself yet.

My own mother's forgetting has been a feature to me since my early teens at the latest. It's forgetting by choice; she remembers well enough when the circumstances are right - for her. It's not malicious in intent, it's her own survival tactic and she really doesn't get the impact it had on her kids. My sister, though, is becoming increasingly freaked out by what she sees as Mum's senility. She sees it that way because she, herself, hasn't come to terms with the realities of her family so can't see that what she's looking isn't Alzheimer's but Narcissism.

Terribly sorry, this has come out as a ramble (I'm emotional!) I really meant to say: it doesn't matter whether they are really forgetting or have decided - between them, byt the sound of it - to "forget" the way you do with past mistakes that are done. It is naturally very hurtful to you. I wanted to try & emphasise there's more benefit to you in your sister's validation than in your parents' attitude, whatever their attitude may be. As long as you & your sister keep talking, I think she will start to piece things together and be glad of your greater understanding.

Take care. x

Snowdropfairy Tue 12-Apr-11 08:27:21

I lost my post sad

Thanks GB

I think i just need distance from my xfamily right now and my sister will tell ofter members what i have said so i will not be telling her any personal details any more.

Its good that you have changed and that you see that you have changed smile you deserve only love and respect and confort.

Its my Birthday tomoro and the phone will be unpluged, no cards with postmakes from my home town will be opened. For the 29th year of my life i will have peace, i will fouce on my family, do the things i wanted to do with my son and husband, i will relax and have fun. I'm going to make this year a positive one. I start CPT on Monday so i hope it works grin

I'm going back to lurking smile

Thank you all for listen and all your advice and understanding over the last few months. It means a lot to me and you have helped me more than you know.

I'm sending everyone ESP love and hugs, thank you and take care everyone xx

tabithatwitch Thu 14-Apr-11 23:18:04

Hi I just wondered if there is anywhere on the forum I can get a reccommendation for a psychotherapist in my area? I have had counselling but was not really that impressed with the outcome after several sessions. Is it a case of trying out several? How do you know they are good? Or that their work is helping you? Any advice appreciated.

garlicbutter Thu 14-Apr-11 23:53:55

Hi, Tabitha The BACP has a new therapist finder here:

Ring up a few, they will talk with you and some give a half-hour free.
Hope it goes well for you.

GrownUpNow Fri 15-Apr-11 09:14:09

Last night my mum blew up at my two year old daughter the way she used to blow up at me. Today I feel completely numb because I was too scared to do or say anything except try to keep the peace. I've always blamed my anxiety on my dad for being an alcoholic who got physical sometimes. I worshipped my mother and she could do no wrong, I was always completely defensive of anything she did perceived as wrong, blaming it on being a victim of domestic violence and emotional abuse.

Now I am seeing that she is as much a part of why I am today the way I am. I have no idea how to move forwards, I cannot expose my children to this. I can't sit on tenterhooks always wondering whether my mum is going to lose it. The whole family feels the same way. My sister even says when she has children they will not see my mother if she continues like this, and that she'd rather come to mine in the summer than go to mums.

I'm getting help so I don't end up the same as mum, because I could feel I was going the same way. I'm not strong enough to challenge mum yet on her behaviour. Though I have suggested to her she is depressed and needs some medication. She is very avoidant and confrontational when it comes to getting any help, especially drug related.

Dunno what else to say, just feel like I need to say something because I'm scared and upset.

garlicbutter Fri 15-Apr-11 13:59:51

Oh, poor you, GUN. It's horrid to slip back into child mode, especially when all your consciousness tells you you're a grown-up now and want to protect your daughter

Good to hear you're getting help, so you'll have someone to work this through with and develop your strategies for next time. I know how easy it is to buy the surface version (because we want to believe it!) The last time my mother raged at me - about 2 years ago - I very deliberately took a 'mental snapshot' for future reference. Glad I did!

Have you been able to talk to DD about why what her gran did was wrong?

GrownUpNow Fri 15-Apr-11 14:53:33

Not really, DD is only little and never really understood what was happening. I've just focused on keeping it normal and being around to give her kisses and cuddles when she wants them. She slept fine last night and she's playing as normal today.

I almost feel like I am experiencing grief, I have a proper heavy weight on my chest, every time I remember it, my heart starts pounding and I feel sick and shaky. I've slept a lot since it happened, went straight to bed when I got in and slept this afternoon too. I feel like I want to drink to oblivion. Which I won't. But it's not going away, and mum calls quite the thing this afternoon with no mention of the incident and asking me to do a favour for her, telling me about my brother visiting her, who btw whilst drunk a couple of months ago out of the blue told me he hated me, and still hasn't apologised.

I feel like you always do when you are scared and hurt, like I want my mum and a hug, and now I can't even do that because she's the problem. I keep wondering why I am having such a strong reaction, it's hardly the worst thing to have ever happened, and telling myself I am over reacting, I just want to cry and cry.

garlicbutter Fri 15-Apr-11 15:35:05

It is grief. I felt like that when I finally started to get that my mum isn't the long-suffering saint we all accepted, but a self-centred nutcase who was a terrible mother. It's makes perfect sense to grieve for the loss of that illusory Mum!

Don't know whether it will help you but I wrote reams, both on here and in private, and read like crazy about dysfunctional mothers. It was a very difficult time; and I started to come out the other side after about four months - I'm sure it's different for everyone.

Sleeping helps your mind process big changes. It's okay. Please be kind & gentle to yourself!

RubberDuck Fri 15-Apr-11 17:07:56

GrownUpNow: welcome to the Stately Homes thread. Agree with garlic that it is grief. I found that I pretty much followed the set pattern of a grieving process (I forget the order now but Anger - "How DARE she do this to me", Denial - "maybe I'm overstating this", Bargaining - "if only I could do X I would change her", Depression and Acceptance) Been pretty much through them all multiple times sometimes several in the same half hour grin

GrownUpNow Fri 15-Apr-11 17:39:11

This explains a lot of how I am feeling then. I keep catching myself staring off into space, sometimes in random places, just feeling really really sad. I need to find something to read, so that I learn and move forward, rather than settling back into the old routine. Can you recommend anything?

LittleBlueBoat Fri 15-Apr-11 22:57:56

Hello Grownupnow

I have read your first post and just wanted to tell you about a servial techque i used, its called Vote With Your Feet.

When anyone is upsetting you, or kicking off or tring to hurt or get at you: dont say anything just get your stuff and walk out the door, leave or vote with your feet.

You have a right to get out of the situation that is causing you pain or hurt by walking away you are getting out of the situation untill it calms down or the other person calms down to listen to you and you are not hurting anyone by you leaving.

Good luck and i hope things get better for you.

Ungratefulchild Sat 16-Apr-11 12:56:19

FWIW i agree with the vote with your feet survival method.

I've name changed to come on here. I've been reading for a while. Is it it okay to just dive into my story/current fucking shittyness?

Is this normal behaviour? (i actually know that it's not but am wanting to VENT).

Visit parents this week, perfectly fine. Later on Father makes a negative comment about DC's body saying it's just like a particular aspect of mine. I put fixed grin on my face and say thanks for that. I feel totally triggered for lots of reasons to do with the constant compare/contrast boundryless harrassment that has been my life. I do however remain calm. He waits a minute and then asks if he has offended me. I say I don't like comments about my body and think its a bit rude. I say this calmly, with a smile on my face. He goes MENTAL, shouts that I am rude to speak to him like that in his own house blah blah. Storms out of the room.

I get really upset I speak to my Mum. I leave with DC.

I try to contact F later to say Hey I only stated an opinion lets not fall out and even said 'sorry' (I didn't mean it). No reply until 24 hrs later get horrendous text saying I needed help etc etc. Next day get another awful text and the next a third. Each one worse than before. Personal and abusive, accusing me of all sorts of machiavellian motives. I was really upset but by the time I got to the third one it was so ludicrous I was almost laughing.

I am in my 40s by the way. A successful professional person with a kids spanning the age ranges.

I think he has BPD. I hate the way my life has been ruined by him and that he has the power to still make me feel utterly shite.

Ungratefulchild Mon 18-Apr-11 15:05:29

Just had another text. this time from my Mum saying he has decided to cut me out of his life.

LittleBlueBoat Mon 18-Apr-11 18:39:24

Ungratefulchild - how do you feel about your father no longer talking to you?

GrownUpNow Tue 19-Apr-11 08:45:40

I would let him get on with cutting you out of his life, so long as you can still see your Mum.

He set up this whole tantrum, from the first comment, to asking if you were offended, to his strop, his abusive texts and now culminating in the cutting you out.

So let him be. It sounds like having a break from him wouldn't hurt anyway. Maybe seeing that you cannot be emotionally manipulated might have more of an effect. At least you won't be dancing to his tune anyway.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. x

LittleBlueBoat Tue 19-Apr-11 16:53:47

UGC - When my sister did the same as your Fater, start a fight acted hurt and tried to blame me then told me she was never talking to me again, i felt relief. I was happy not to have her drama in my life. It was as if she needed an excuse to punish me unfortunatly it backfired as i haven't even missed her.

These type of people bring nothing good to our lifes.

See it for what it is - His problem. Have a break and get some distance to try and see the situation more clearly.

Also do not talk to your mum about it or anyone else, as it will get back to him. Just try and avoid the subject if you can and dont bring others into the drama. If they try to pass messages on just say "You shouldn't have to do that - he can tell me him self or not".

Take it easy on yourself for a bit and have a brake for his irrational behaviour. You never know you might find out you like it grin

LittleBlueBoat Tue 19-Apr-11 17:37:23

I feel pissed off at my mother in law because i almost miscarried today and when she called to tell me that they forgot my sons coat after looking after him all day when we went to A&E, i said all was ok and that i'm only 6 weeks so we are going to have a Christmas baby.

She said "Well, we will see want we"

IUts just not a nice thing to say and reenforces the fact she does not want me to have another baby angry

Ungratefulchild Wed 20-Apr-11 09:48:38

LittleBlueBoat that is horrible. It doesn't matter what she wants x

Thanks all for above. Yes I now feel a bit relieved. The realisation that it actually doesn't matter how hard I try to be 'good' has helped.

My Mum has switched over to his 'side' completely now. They are united in adversity against the evil daughter. Never mind that I could actually do with a bit of tlc atm as I've just had a big operation and have some ongoing health problems.

Christ I wish they were 'normal' supportive parents.

LittleBlueBoat Wed 20-Apr-11 12:19:08

I,m sorry UGC they will never be "normal" supportive parents as they can't and will never be able to see that they are not.

They might think they are normal and they have the right to behaviour this way towards you. But you have the chose not to take their behaviour.

Its sounds to me like they are trtying to put the limelight back on them as you have everyones support and attention and they are spoilt children and need to do something to get everyones attention back on them.

I think its worse when the other pearent enables the first's behaviour. I feel like sholuting "but can't you see what they are doing" unfortuntly no they cant and they just like the drama.

I also thinks its about respect as some pearents think that they are older and therefore know better than their adult child, they just can't see that we are adults and change the relationship accordingly. They have this idea that they will always be in the right and know better without relising as an adult we can see throu this. Sorry just a thought!

Take the break from them both enjoy the peace and the distance could help you look more at the relationship with them.

You can't change them but you can change how you feel about it and how you behave towards them.

ps its Snowdropfairy i've namechanged again hmm

ToriaPumpkinHead Wed 20-Apr-11 18:15:39

Hello. I posted on an older Stately Homes thread a few months ago about myemotionally abusive father and childhood and was welcomed in. I then got a terrible feeling of disloyalty and apathy and let things get on top of me.

I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with my first DC and I'm terrified of telling my father. I haven't spoken to him for a few weeks, though he did leave me a message on Sunday which I've yet to reply to.

The stupid thing is, I'm not scared because I think he'll disapprove (he can't really, I'm nearly 26 and have been married for five years) but because I don't want him in this baby's life. The first time my child phones him and he's too drunk to understand who is calling will be the last.

But I don't know what to do about it all. I read the long post at the beginning of this thread and so much rang a bell with me, it was quite a revelation. And I think it might help me to start laying some ground rules. Luckily my dad lives a long way away, so him being around isn't a problem, but he makes me feel so guilty when I'm not overjoyed to hear from him.

I'm not looking for advice today really, just a foot in the door as it were with a group of people who might understand some of my rants and hurts and fears.

LittleBlueBoat Thu 21-Apr-11 09:06:38

ToriaPumpkinHead congrats on your first child and welcome smile

<Hands over cake and decaf coffee>

Bear1984 Thu 21-Apr-11 21:20:31

Hi, I hope you don't mind me popping into this thread. I started a thread yesterday regarding my mum here. Long story short, I know I have to cut contact with my mum. Something I've always wanted to do, but always made to feel guilty because I'd be taking my DD away from her gran, iyswim. I'm telling her so tomorrow though when my DP is home.

I feel very angry at the moment, and don't have anywhere really to vent other than constantly repeating myself. I'm angry at her, I'm angry at many people, as well as myself. Life just seems very hard at the moment, and when I'm not angry, I just feel like wanting to crawl away and hide. Other than the problems with my mum (which stem back from when I was a child), my DD finally told me her true feelings about her father (I knew how she felt but was so relieved to hear her finally say it out loud). She sees him about 4 times a year, he doesn't call her, when he sees her he doesn't talk to her or do anything fun with her, and these were all things DD said and that she is so upset because of it (just wanted to get that off my chest).

All my life I felt like I must be a terrible person to always have bad things happening to me. That I must be such an awful person for my own mother treat me like I wasn't worth anything and to have a dad who just packed up and left. Now things are slightly different where I think I'm not a bad person but why do I keep being treated like one?

LittleBlueBoat Fri 22-Apr-11 13:01:51


I was hoping someone could give me some coping staratgies for tomoro?

I stupidly wanted to improve my relationships with inlaws so decided to have bbq and kareoke party tomoro. They turned up today ready to take over and in the process insulted me, laughted at me and put me down gerr.

I just can't believe i let these people treat me like that in my own home and not only do i not say anything and try to laught it off but my husband does not stick up for me eighter. There other DIL has said she is working just to get out of spending time with them and every time i try to be nice they end up acting like knobs.

Also my BIL is not talking to me.

LittleBlueBoat Fri 22-Apr-11 13:08:10

Some times i think its me, that i dont know how a framily is ment to interract. But now i'm starting to think its not me and i would not be treaterd like that by a friend why should i accept it off inlaws?

Sorry for the ramble blush

Bear1984 Fri 29-Apr-11 13:19:20

Hi LittleBlueBoat, just saw your post. Hope the bbq went ok, and things weren't too bad.

I'm only starting to take control of how I handle my mum, so I can't give much advice. But I can tell you it's not you if the other DIL is trying to avoid them as well. I also feel like I wouldn't allow anyone to treat me the way my mum treats me, so why should I let her? That's something I keep reminding myself.

Hope you're ok x

podsquash Tue 03-May-11 11:20:38

Hello all, posted a little while ago but no proper intro. In short, father NPD (not most extreme version but definitely a selfish twat), mother a doormat (probably depressed). Moved around very few years. Sister is 10 years younger and got caught in the middle of the relationship breaking down and is a right tricky customer now - my brother and I got off lightly. I had post traumatic stress disorder resulting partly from my son's birth but partly from my upbringing - it made me vulnerable to develop PTSD after a trauma. Had psychotherapy for three years before kids, helped a bit. Had much better treatment for PTSD and everything last year, gave me so much more insight into how I work and what I can do about it. More in a sec.

podsquash Tue 03-May-11 11:28:06

Anyway, have been feeling a bit crappy for about three months now, so went to the doctor today, and came away thinking, I really need to remember that although I'm a lot better than I was, thanks to the help I got, I am still vulnerable to having reactions when things crop up. And things do crop up.

I've recently found myself trying to 'save' my mum again. Never a good idea for me. I just feel like I can't let her rot with my (adult) sister living at home and manipulating her and controlling her, and watch the stuff gradually piling up. I've started to worry that she is turning into a proper hoarder. So then I start to feel that I need to intervene somehow, let her know people care. I know that I have a tendency to want to walk in a say, 'Kick her the fuck out! Live a normal life!' which doesn't bear any fruit and just serves to make her dig her heels in. So I thought, I know, I'll focus on just doing positive nice things. I'm throwing her a birthday party in a month, I got my brother round and we painted her kitchen for her, and I arranged a blind date for her (all with her express buy in and lots of chatting about it). Basically I gave my up my royal wedding weekend to help her out, my husband looked after the kids, bless his long-suffering heart. I just feel so low now - she stayed at mine before and after her date and left yesterday. I think I'm going through the thing that parentified children go through - 'If I look after you, mum, you'll look after me'. But in fact she isn't really capable of giving me proper love, she is too shut down emotionally.

podsquash Tue 03-May-11 11:38:08

So I have gone back to all the stuff my therapist gave me - diagrams and things, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm at right now. I have the possibility of taking on some work, which I like but it easily gets too much with having little kids around (ds6 and dd4). I have the possibility of taking some anti-anxiety stuff (Citalopram?) but I've never taken any mental health drugs before so I'm a bit worried. I thougt about trying to find another therapist or some group therapy, and then I thought - STATELY HOMES! I'm so glad this is here. I have an unusually high need to talk about stuff because my family is so mad compared with most people I know, and this is a perfect place.

When I have reduced contact with my mum and sister, life is a lot better for me. But I am really worried about my mum's situation, and I really don't know how to navigate that. I feel like because we are reasonably well off I have a responsibiltiy towards her, particularly as she ages. But it is my brother and sister who get all the benefit of having a mum live nearby, so I then I start to feel resentful about a situation that doesn't even exist yet! I don't HAVE to look after her when she gets old. There are two other siblings right there who could step up. I'm not responsible for everything. My mum is an adult. I have said things to her before which have not been listened to, so why keep banging on?

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone. Any wise words much appreciated.

garlicbutter Tue 03-May-11 12:31:50

Citalopram helps most people's anxiety. Ime it make you feel a bit woozy for the first week or so, but it's not a 'heavy' drug and doesn't interfere with other aspects of life. It's supposed to take some of the edge off your stress reactions, so you can then manage yourself as you've been taught to do.

Your self-awareness looks quite remarkable to me! I know what you mean about hoping for an exchange of care, but you've clearly got enough tools in your box to work this through successfully smile

Shift the guilt. You haven't got any more responsibilities towards your mother than you'd have to any elderly woman of your acquaintance. Parents are supposed to parent their children, not the other way around. If the children later choose to return the favour, that's up to them. You are giving her pleasures, and letting her know her kids are bothered about her: that's very nice!

For what it's worth: I conduct a good relationship with my mother because I don't want to ADD distress to her last years. However, I'll not be caring for her if/when she needs regular help. I'll find a support worker if necessary, but my input stops there.

droves Tue 03-May-11 14:18:00

hi everyone , hope your all ok , been lurking, reading trying to catch up .

podsquash Tue 03-May-11 16:35:08

garlicbutter...thanks so much. Proper response later. Helps so much just getting it heard, doesn't it?

garlicbutter Tue 03-May-11 19:31:03

Yes smile And hello droves!

mycatthinksshesatiger Tue 03-May-11 21:31:55

another lurker here....I don't often feel strong enough to post! But am full of admiration for you all, you are a fab bunch of amazingly strong people who life has treated very badly at times.

Am feeling very low today as my mum totally forgot DD's birthday. I didn't realise till the day and have been racked with guilt - can't help feeling I should have reminded her. She only half-heartedly remembers mine but that bothers me less than this somehow. She's not got dementia or anything; she's just so self-absorbed I don't think my DC feature on her radar (though of course in her make-believe world and to her friends she is Grandmoter of the century!)

I know when she finally remembers it will be all my fault for not reminding her....but of course she doesn't need reminding about DB's children's birthdays (he is golden child). I feel so sad for DD - I brought it up and she said she'd noticed but didn't want to mention it as it would upset me.....

No need to reply....just needed to let it out....I know it's only one birthday but it's what it signifies.....I and my family just don't really matter to my parents, even though they talk as if we do if you know what I mean....sad

HerHissyness Tue 03-May-11 21:42:08

Turn it back round on her, 'What kind of GM needs reminding of her DD/GD birthdays???" repeat as required. stay calm and know you are in the right. Your feelings are justified.

mycatthinksshesatiger Tue 03-May-11 22:07:22

Thank you herhissyness. Good strategy! She will see it as a declaration of war, as I have been trained not to ever question her. My usual answer (the one I would always have given in the past ) would be to say it's fine, no worries, DD had far too many presents anyway, to let her off the hook. But I am now incapable of telling her what she wants to hear - am almost at the stage where I need to fight back, it's just so scary as I've been conditioned not to ever stand up to her. I feel like such a wuss admitting that - thank goodness for MN! Could never say it in rl sad

kaosandkisses Tue 03-May-11 22:32:15

Wow you ladies are amazing.
I've read lots of the stately homes thread and found them truly wonderful in how supportive you all are. I do feel my situation isn't that bad but there are def situations I can relate to. Something I'm struggling with at the moment is how to handle it when my 7 yr old son and 3 yr old daughter much about together. They've been curious at each others' bits in a natural way but I've gone ballistic as a kne jerk reaction. My brother 'practiced' a bit on me when I was a kid and although I doubt he's any kind of weirdo (just a horny 12 yr old who didn't control himself) it has had a massive impact on me, buti think I'm only just beginning to see how huge. This issue is raising it's head now as my kids play together. Sorry I'm rambling but I'm not sure how to handle anything at the moment. I've made a big deal out of the bath stuff with my kids. I'm angry at myself for that as I know I'm putting my shit into a situation that is innocent.
For b/g my mother has def NPD traits. My dad died 3 years ago aged only 60 and her behaviour is a lot worse since this loss. I was v close to him and miss him everyday.
Thanks for listening sorry for the rant x

podsquash Wed 04-May-11 12:53:58

no need to apologise here, kaos. And i think it IS a big deal that your brother 'practiced' on you. By 12 most kids know the difference between right and wrong, private and public, what is for play and what is off limits. You are starting or continuing to teach your kids those (maybe not exactly as you'd ideally like to, but we've all been there smile).

podsquash Wed 04-May-11 12:54:58

sorry, those boundaries, i meant to say.

kaosandkisses Wed 04-May-11 21:45:17

Podsquash - thank you so much for responding. I've truly felt stupid about posting on here but I don't know where else this fits.... I was afraid someone would say that (12 old enough to know better...). More about me another time though.
How are you?

podsquash Wed 04-May-11 23:16:23

Kaos - it is hard and painful to admit that things weren't right, and there are times when it is definitely easier to shelve it. We have lives to lead, after all. But then it rears its head when you least expect it! I have to be vigilant now about my state of mind and care for myself.

I'm okay - spoke to a friend today, went through a few things about it with her (my own real life Stately Home person, bless her) and that felt better. She said that 1) trying to help my mum will involve finding a way of talking to her that she can hear, which is a life's work <sigh>, and 2) I have to do it in a way that is okay for me. If I find myself getting too het up about it, step back. If I find myself feeling like no-one is mentioning the elephant in the room, maybe mention it, but carefully. We'll see.

I did some reading about codependence which helped a lot. I think my mum shows a lot of signs of this and I might fall into the same trap myself if I'm not careful. Love Wikipedia psychology pages.

About your brother, 12 might be old enough to know better for most kids but that doesn't mean he is evil or anything. Maybe no one taught him some of that important stuff. And regardless of whether he can be held 'responsible' in some sense, what matters is that it will have had an impact on you, and it is okay for you to talk about how it affected you without feeling silly. Whatever the extent of it, whatever his intentions, it is okay to talk about it. But hard, I know.

kaosandkisses Thu 05-May-11 21:22:23

I'm exhausted at the moment. Trying to cope with 3 kids & some stress in my marriage and then all this stuff keeps coming to the surface. I'm desperately trying to remember details from my childhood but find that really hard. There were a few things that were "iffy" and I'm coming to terms wiry that......
My mother's narcissism is another story altogether but suffice it to say I couldn't believe my EYES when I stumbled upon these posts with examples of these behaviours in other mothers. Talk about Eureka moment. I've learned to back off and protect myself as much as possible though. I think that's the main thing I can say to you. You and your family come first. Help her at your own speed if you wish but not at the cost of your health. Blimey this stuff is hard!

mycatthinksshesatiger Thu 05-May-11 21:57:16

kaos i can identify with a lot of your feelings if not with all the same content...I think I am experiencing similar emotions - lots of stuff from childhood resurfacing whilst I'm trying to keep everything else running along ok. It's very, very hard sometimes. I too have realised largely through MN that I have a deeply narcissistic mother, who has both never let me grow up whilst at the same time relying on me to look after her emotionally since the age of 4.

I've also remembered lots of iffy memories from very early childhood as part of this process, but find I remember then forget for a few days; my mind completely locks the door again, and try as I might I can't remember stuff or feel anything at all. Then it will all come flooding back at an inappropriate moment. It's very hard.

Have you ever had counselling? I'm having it at the moment and it really does help. My therapist thinks I've dissociated from many of my earliest sexual experiences (probably age 3-6).

It seems very normal that you feel the way you do about your DC given what happened with your brother. How are things with your brother now?

ManicPanic Thu 05-May-11 23:48:25

It's funny (well not funny obviously) how it seems that neglectful / selfish / narcissitic parenting helps to create an environment where abuse can occur. It's like abusers have this radar that can spot a child with no confidence who won't tell their parents as they are scared of them or won't be believed anyway.

Kaos I have a thread in the feminism topic in the women's rights section. We have had very similar experiences it sounds like. Please don't read if you feel it might trigger / upset you. I don't describe the abuse graphically or anything but all the same it is quite close to home for you I think.

Thread is titled: I'll put this here as you lot might understand...warning upsetting content.

MyHipsHurt Sat 07-May-11 12:52:58

It's funny (well not funny obviously) how it seems that neglectful / selfish / narcissitic parenting helps to create an environment where abuse can occur. It's like abusers have this radar that can spot a child with no confidence who won't tell their parents as they are scared of them or won't be believed anyway.

Manicpanic that is so true. That happened to me.

I have a question please: I have gone 'no contact' with my mother. However I have not explained the real reasons behind it, other than an argument which only touched the surface and from that point we have not spoken for several months. Does it help to actually spell out the whole truth, or is the no contact enough in itself?

My mother is a prime example of narcissistic parenting, apart from these issues with her, I was also emotionally, physically and sexually abused by two of her other children (my half-siblings) when I was a child and they were adults. Is there any point in confronting her with this now and what would it achieve for me? Would I get some peace and closure? Do I risk her reaction of: It must have been my fault, I must have encouraged it in some way, I am over-reacting, being over-sensitive, etc.etc.

My childhood was littered with 'don't tell mummy' 'don't tell mummy'.....

Anyone any experience of this situation please?

kaosandkisses Sat 07-May-11 13:10:41

Short on time and brain power but a very quick post to say how deeply moved I am by you all.
Back later. Is it cheesy to add a 'x'? Ha. I've done it anyway. X

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