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"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

(819 Posts)
Snowdropfairy Thu 31-Mar-11 14:04:18

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

droves Thu 31-Mar-11 22:30:37

mabey its hormones too reddaisy ?.
congrats on the baby.

I thought it was normal to dream loads when pg , because you worry a lot then.

Are you ok ?

reddaisy Thu 31-Mar-11 22:36:34

I have been dreaming lots come to think about it, I hadn't really thought about that droves.

He was such a malevolent presence in my life growing up that it is horrible to have him enter my subconsciousness at such a happy time where I am building the family I wish I had had.

I am ok thank you, I wondered if it was about the worry of bringing a child into the world when you know that bad things can and do happen.

IslaValargeone Fri 01-Apr-11 10:18:54

Oh dear, I seem to be having a bit of a.. on the verge of tears and feeling sorry for myself day.
Posted on a thread yesterday which reminded me of what twunts my parents can be. It has definitely upset my chakras for the day so to speak.

Snowdropfairy Fri 01-Apr-11 12:14:21

Hello to everyone <waves like a loon>

Ok so i called my mum. I did the shield vis first and put her on speaker when my husband was with me.

She has moved from being angry that i'm upsetting her and trying to hurt me to not caring and being distant. It was great she was very calm.

I like it a lot better. She didn't believe me and my husband had to tell her. She told me that my dad is not having anything to do with my sisters twins. But when i talked to my sister she said that my dad had seen the twins and called her up to ask how their first night home was. so completly different stories!

My SIL might lose her job and the so might my exbrother so how the might fall!

All this i just wasn't bothered about and i didnt get draw into a convo about any of it. Then she said that they help my exbrother put the cot up (they never help me) i said that was nice of them. Its like no one else exsits except the golden boy.

Then i told them that i would send a photo when the baby was born. Then she said that me and DH would not have money for our birthday but she would send so for our holiday as she had spent the money on my exbrother unborn child. She has not given a gift to my sister's twins and will not be.

I just said bye and hung up.

Later talking to my sister she told me to not take it personally as our perants are like that to all of us.

"But i'm an adult and i dont have to take it anymore".

Then i told her that i would rather have no relationship with them than a damaging, hurtful dysfunctional relationship.

Snowdropfairy Fri 01-Apr-11 12:16:10

Hi Reddaisy

How far a long are you?

I'm pg with my second child too.

I hate morning sickness :-p

RubberDuck Fri 01-Apr-11 12:37:24

<cheer> Good work, Snowdrop, that's brilliant.

"But i'm an adult and i dont have to take it anymore" - this is a great philosophy and I'm stealing it for my many mantras grin

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Fri 01-Apr-11 13:09:50

well done, snowdrop!
I have to completely agree with that philosophy, too. I found it hard, because I was brought up to "respect my elders", which basically means take all the crap they throw at you.
Took me years and thousand miles of distance between us to learn to say no.

I'm pregnant with number 2 as well

Snowdropfairy Fri 01-Apr-11 15:59:34

Congrats grin

My exfamily made my first experiance of having a child hell on earth and i'm sure they helped me get PND.

This time i'm going to do it my way and its going to be fab smile

I'm still angry that my mum and my sister told me i was a crap mum when i was so low and i can't believe i listen to them confused

My mum negleted me as a child so i teach myself everything i know. I have never listened to my elders for the simple reason - my opioin should count anyway - no matter how old i am.

My eldest sister is 18 years older than me. I treated them like my sisters and not my elders and i would get shouted at by them because of it but my mum just didn't care so i got away with it. That basic set me up to have my own mind and question everyone and make my own mind up.

I raised myself and i had to grow up quick to make a level playing feild with my sisters.

I never got kissed and tucked in to bed and told i was loved and wanted. I was scared and beaten and told i was wrong and arragont and that i was fat and no one liked me.

My mum and dad did a number on my sisters too and they show the scared and tried to put me down too just to make themselves feel better. They helped the dysfunctional shit but they were better at it as they just messed my head up.

I had a 28 year old asking relationship advice from a 14 year old who didn't even have a boyfriend and who the sister told me i would never get a boyfriend or have sex as i was too fat and boys dont like that. My sister had an eating disorder that she would/has never admitted too.

I just got majorly fucked up by all of them because my mum and dad are fucked up.

Snowdropfairy Fri 01-Apr-11 16:10:36

Maybe i'm a better pearent than i think as i have had a long time to pratice raising myself grin

You do not get to choose who your mum and dad are but you do get to chose how to live your own life.

There is nothing wrong with me that i cant put right.

I do think more of myself than they do as i would never treat a child the way they do, so yes i am fucking better than them and i'm going to prove it every day of my life grin

They can keep their opioins and there misinformed ideas of me as they have never seen the realy me - they made me into what they wanted to see, just to make them feel better.

That is not me. It was never me.

Has anyone do that experise where they write down what they think of themselves and then they as their partners?

Did your image of yourself match that of your partners?

Snowdropfairy Fri 01-Apr-11 16:14:40

mine didn't and then i realised its not important how others see me only how i see myself as no one can give me self respect, love, confidence or self esteem.

It has to come from me.

Then my son will see and know its ok to believe in your self.

Even if no one else does.

ManicPanic Fri 01-Apr-11 18:31:48

ooh yes snowdropfairy

I said to a friend 'my dd is lovely and cute and clever, well I think so anyway, but I am probably biased' and she said 'you're her mum - if not you, who?'
<sound of penny dropping>
I truly didn't understand that it is right and normal to be biased in your child's favour, to find them the cutest, to take their side, to look out for their interests. These are things that I do do for my dd, but it was the first time I understood that it was wrong that they weren't done for my by my mother. I still felt it was my fault she didn't take my side.

My dh thinks I am incredibly strong, I am still letting go of the idea I am weak shock

And finally hi to y'all on here, especially thisishowifeel, therealsmithfield, droves, everyone I've forgotten blush and my favourite beehatch garlicbutter. <stinky>

Sorry for the people I've forgotten, in my defence the medication makes me forgetful... oh and I was nemofish but I ahve namechanged!

Don't tell anyone, tis a secret!

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Fri 01-Apr-11 19:09:44

manicpanic you sound quite a bit like me there. I have only recently realised it's ok^ to think my DS is the most amazing little creature on this planet, and that it's ^ok to swoon a little every time I look at him, or he does something.
My husband also things I am strong. I don't know about that....

Do dysfunctional families breed dysfunctional children? or do dysfunctional families just breed children who then seek out other children from dysfunctional families?
Toxic step-grandma died today. Her and her ex-military husband raised one big screwed up family: the eldest daughter ran away from home at the age of 18 (just after my stepdad was born at the end of the fifties), became pregnant (unthinkable for someone from a family like hers), a drug addict, contracted hepatitis, became a suicidal lesbian who then spent the next 50 years in and out of hospital after overdoses, jumping out of windows and to treat the damage she did to her body. Daughter number 2 tried to get away from the family after she had to SN children who kept being belittled by her father, called dumb, retarded and all sorts of other names. Daughter number 3 let her parents run her life until she had enough at the age of 30 and cut all ties. Son number 1 was the golden child, got treated like he could do no wrong, became a protestant reverend and had his own dysfunctional family. My step-dad, the late-comer, stood in the shadow of all his siblings and was mainly forgotten about when he wasn't criticised and belittled. He chose to study architecture instead of law, which his parents wanted him to. He went travelling and made a life for himself, with his parents in the background. They pretty much made him marry a woman he didn't love, they divorced two months later because he was in love with my (recently single) mother. His mother left us messages on the answering machine about how my mother is a witch (literally), and that she has cast an evil spell on her son, that she should let him go or there would be consequences. In 15 years she didn't bother to learn to spell or pronounce our names.
My mum and SD had a son. Grandparents never came to see him to punish my mother and their son's "infidelity".
A few years ago step grandad went rapidly downhill and died. step-grandma refocussed all her energy on SD and moved 5 minutes round the corner. If they wouldn't let her visit for a day, or they didn't go to see her, whe would get herself admitted to hospital - bruises, broken bones and imagined bloodpressure problems.
One christmas day she was upset that they wouldn't let her host christmas dinner (lots of reasons), so she phoned in the evening to get her som to visit. when he got there, she was on the floor, in her own vomit, having taken an overdose. Drugs rehab and a lot of other incidents like that followed.
Her behaviour never improved.
Today, a neighbour found her dead in the communal staircase. I don't know the circumstances yet, but nothing would surprise me.

I feel a strange sense of closure. There is no grief. Some sadness because my little brother doesn't take change very well, but no sense of loss.
I apologise for the essay, but I had to get it off my chest because nobody seems to understand how I feel, but I thought you guys might..

MizzyDizzy Fri 01-Apr-11 19:24:05

I 'get' it Ivy...I really do.

I also think us kids from dysfunctional families are drawn to others like us, somehow we instinctively 'know' we will be safe with two friends in RL are the same as us. xx

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Mon 04-Apr-11 08:51:37

hope you all had a nice weekend x

Snowdropfairy Mon 04-Apr-11 09:30:53

Hi Everyone

My plans didn't work out as my son was ill. So we had macd's breakfast at home and then DH went out and got me a hot choclate from costa smile

I did not send a card and no one called me so its all good smile

@Manicpanic ((((((hugs)))))

RubberDuck Mon 04-Apr-11 09:41:29

LOL Snowdrop that's scarily similar to my day.

Ds1 had sprained his ankle badly the day before. And dh had a migraine all weekend. So instead of going out, we had a McDonalds dinner grin

No phone calls which was a relief. Got a one line email thanking me for my gift and card and hoping that I had a nice Mother's Day. Don't know how to reply to it - seems innocuous enough and I guess I should be the adult and respond, but it'll be a minefield to navigate. It seems as though she's going the "pretend nothing happened" route rather than apologising for her behaviour. And given that I'm used to her now never taking responsibility, not totally surprising.

But if I write it in a way to encourage re-opening of communication then I'm bound to get a full "you really hurt me" lecture and it'll be spun round to be being the terrible daughter again.

I've decided not to go completely no contact for the sake of the kids and my own sense of self, but the partial contact thing is definitely a hard thing to master well.

Snowdropfairy Mon 04-Apr-11 10:02:00

I would just reply - Just doing my Daughterly duty.

And leave it at that.

I think its about getting the boundries sorted out and to do that you need to tell your mum what it ok and what is not. Comunication is the key.

I dont think i can expect my mum to be a mind reader and just do what i want. I would have to tell her but i dont think my mum would listen to me and i would just get hurt from her putting me down, putting my brother before anyone else and just their unfairness to their children.

If you can work on your relationship and the other person is willing to listen and make changes then i think its totaly worth it.

But in some cases its just not possible - like mine sad

podsquash Mon 04-Apr-11 10:37:37

Hello all. Have followed this with interest for a while and can't remember if I have posted as I often mental shout 'Exactly!' and 'Oh yes, I recognise that' even if I don't ever reply. Have had various types of therapy for various things over the years and am going it alone for now - except for my wonderful friends who GET IT.

Anyway, ManicPanic -thank you for highlighting that. Thank you so much. I struggle with this still with my son especially. I am supposed to put him first, not try to take him down a peg or two! Old patterns die very very hard. I will try to focus on this idea of loving them best out of all the children in the world, even though my demons are already kicking off with 'What about all the other children? You need to be fair and even handed and not spoil yours'.

MizzyDizzy Mon 04-Apr-11 11:06:15


I got my 'pokey' phone call this morning.

I never sent a card yesterday.

Today's phone call was from mother stating she had got the message loud and clear re contact due to us not visiting or sending a card yesterday. She said she thinks I am cross because they moved house.

Actually, I have no land line number for my parents - so a phone call is out and they have no mobile reception inside the house - so never pick up. I have not been given a postal address - so I can't send a card....they never gave either to me before/after they moved and family members have been told NOT to give either their land line number or address to me!

Answer machine got the message, I didn't pick up.

I'm not going to reply to the message as this gives them entrance back into my life, they will want to argue the toss about who said what etc until I cave in and admit the error of my ways.

I think the bit I've bolded is the important withholding their postal address and telephone number - relatives all told NOT to share these before the move - they effectively cut me off before I sent the text requesting some space?? My instincts tell me this has been done so that if I want contact I have no choice but to actually visit in person....the one thing mother knows I don't want to do!

I am sat here feeling very nervous in case they turn up at my tempted to go out....but my stubborn streak says this is my house and I have every right to stay home if I want! confused

<PS. I used to be SnowyBriar>

Snowdropfairy Mon 04-Apr-11 11:14:46

((((HUGS))))) MD

I'm stubborn too, i would not go out. If they do come round just dont answer the door.

You do not have to answer your door or the phone if you dont want too.

Also thats something my mum would do and it just winds me up on your behalf. It relly does my head in when they do things like that.

My mum didn't call me if i break and call her then she would say "So your still alive then". If she was so bothered then she would have called me herself.

MizzyDizzy Mon 04-Apr-11 11:29:10

Thank for the hugs Snowdrop...xx

Flippin' madness isn't it?! I'm flitting about the house doing a lot of nothing to keep busy at the mo!

Oh and another thing...if she'd got the message so loud and clear...then why bother phoning me??

Also she phoned the land line via a mobile and left a message...why not text my mobile it's cheaper....ah ha, but then there would be record of her nastiness wouldn't there! wink

At least my relatives now know how it works...she goofed up when she told them all not to give me any phone/address details they finally see a small % of the real mother!

Snowdropfairy Mon 04-Apr-11 12:01:00

Yey none of it makes sence. This is what my mum would do and i would drive my self crazy for a week or two trying to figuer it out.

Lucky my mum is too old and too busy right now to care about me.

Its the first time in my life i feel very happy about everything.

MizzyDizzy Mon 04-Apr-11 12:08:31

So you should be happy Snowdrop....huge CONGRATS at your news! grin

Excuse the delay been catching up!

ManicPanic Mon 04-Apr-11 13:21:03

podsquash I also realised it's OK to think my dd is blummin marvellous even if she is not actually perfect, or even if she <gasp> does something wrong shock

(Just as I am still worthy of love if I make a mistake or behave in a less perfect manner)
(So I am told!)

quiddity Mon 04-Apr-11 13:24:19

Just saying hello to ManicPanic and I hope things are going well with you

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