Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Support thread for the recently ditched No.13

(233 Posts)
Teaandcakeplease Sun 27-Mar-11 20:51:07

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us! shock sad angry

This thread is for anyone who has recently been dumped ditched. A safe place to share your woes and to support, advise and give virtual ((hugs)) to fellow dumplings each other, as we walk this journey as one, to find the new us: fabulous, strong and full of serenity.

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Teaandcakeplease Sun 27-Mar-11 20:54:29

We've talked a lot about this serenity prayer in the past on previous threads, so I wanted to post it here at the beginning of the thread, not because of any religious motivations but because it's used on the 12 step program and other things and it makes so much sense:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

SlightlyMadSpook Sun 27-Mar-11 21:02:58

Thanks tea (just bookmarking this thread which I am sure will help me through the termoil that will be the next few weeks)

Mumfun Sun 27-Mar-11 21:52:40

Glad your H has gone Spook. Well done.
Ive made a lot of mistakes but a counsellor friend said recently that that was important that I got H to leave.

fairygirl3 Sun 27-Mar-11 22:12:43

Thank you tea x
Patience,thanks for asking my mum is ok,i feel guilty at times because i know she worries about me now and she could really do with out that but i have to remember none of this was my doing.

Mumfun Sun 27-Mar-11 22:58:09

For anyone recently ditched this is soulful advice to someone in pain at loss :

Suddenly overcome with fear, anxiety and panic at the thought of all that has transpired.
Yeah. Knocks you to your knees when you feel it ALL at once. When every single emotion of love, longing, rejection, pain... they all come at the same time.

I just want A back so badly and there is nothing that I can do about it.
No. There isn't. Not now. I'm sorry. That may change someday, or maybe not. But right now, it is exactly like this.

As pathetic as it sounds, I would do anything if she would just be her old self again since I love her more than life itself.
THIS is where your growth will come.. needs to come. Not that you'll love her less, but you'll love you more and life more. Life is very precious. Even if you feel like it's a broken half of a life, it still has joy and laughter and chocolate and Gloria Gayner and fresh eggrolls and purring kittens and first signs of springtime, and strangers who wanna give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Find these small moments of joy in each day and celebrate with them for a moment. Make your life worth loving.

This town is where we first met and so it has some very special memories attached to it, thus I am seeing her in everything and it hurts more than I can say.
I know what you mean. I've been paralyzed by memories that I didn't wanna remember any more. Both good ones and bad ones. Right now, your memories are HOTTER THAN FIRE. They cool down.

I wish there was some way to stop this pain.
There is...You'll learn to HATE this word.

I have been going out trying to socialize but I am emotionally crippled and I can't let go of these memories (they are everywhere).
New memories are everywhere too. Just can't see those yet. Give it some more of that T word.

I wish that I did not have such a good memory but I can see everything so clearly.
I don't have a salve for you. I truely wish I did. Wave my magic wand and you'll be past the shattered stage. I'd do it. I'm sorry for the pain you are in. But the only way through it, is through it.

If there is a god, then it is a cruel and merciless one.
There is. And (s)he loves you very much and gave you a great heart. YOU can love. Greatly. Triumphantly. Exaltantly. And that is both a gift and a burden. A blessing that brings pain. That is the gift that you brought to Anna. That is the source of your hurt. But that is also the blessing that you still carry. You can truely love... and I honor that about you.

Hold on, please. It gets better.

Its from this thread - point 6:

sufficient Sun 27-Mar-11 23:11:55

Thanks for the new thread tea

Teaandcakeplease Mon 28-Mar-11 08:41:33

Mymymble I'm so sorry I hadn't quite gathered your full story, I was posting in a hurry yesterday. Agree with everything Patience has said. Have you spoken to Womens Aid as they will have some very good advice for you as well in this situation. He has no right after disappearing for 2 years to then come in and start interferring in your DD's schooling. Or to bully and mess you around about visitations angry

pompeyc Mon 28-Mar-11 09:54:36

I was dumped two weeks ago my my partner/fiance of five years. He did it over the phone because 'he wasn't happy'! I am devastated I had built all my ideas of the future around him. I thought he was def the one I loved him so much and he has abandoned me in a painful, desperate no-man's land. Everything feels too much - work, looking after the kids even just making a cuppa. I am a single Mum and he is not their dad. I lost all my friends because I used all my free time to see him and am now left with nothing but an empty heart and shattered dreams. Just need a bit of support as everyday feels long and lonely at the moment

Patienceobtainsallthings Mon 28-Mar-11 09:54:42

You just need a plan mymble .don't worry about him telling the police its ur fault just more bullying.I. would get advice but ,I'm sure u can chat to a family police woman and explain what is going on .he can only bully u if he has the opportunity,I'm sure u can lessen those opportunities.Is new man still interested if X pisses off.have u done counseling yet mumble to help assert urself ,this bully has ground u down and this is the year of your empowerment.He won't know what's happened LOL,keep posting x

Patienceobtainsallthings Mon 28-Mar-11 09:57:32

Ah big hugs pompey ,its tuff when u feel so raw,over the phone ,what a meaner ,back later sending u some chocolate x

Teaandcakeplease Mon 28-Mar-11 09:59:23

<Hands pompeyc a cuppa> Oh lovey that's really rough, you've come to a good place. How old are your children?

pompeyc Mon 28-Mar-11 10:10:07

Hi thaks for the reply. My children are fourteen and seven both girls. I also work full time and have virtually no family apart from my Mum who is widow. My life seems a struggle with juggling work/kids etc anyway and yet i gave him lots of attention - cooked for him, planned fun things all the time and i feel so betrayed and angry as well as sad and in deep despair.

Teaandcakeplease Mon 28-Mar-11 13:53:54

I'm so sorry sad Can you do anything for you as a treat right now? You must be reeling right now. Take one step at a time, live on convenience foods if necessary and keep sharing here. I found typing it all out helped a lot at this stage.

pompeyc Mon 28-Mar-11 15:20:51

Aw thanks for the advice. I have been trying to write a diary too but it has got to teh point where I don't feel like I can cry anymore. WE went away from a romantic break three weekends ago and had a great time laughing and having fun. WE acme home and teh b*st**d rang me the follwing week and said he was sorry and he did not love me anymore. I am just qusetioning everything .... i feel like i am going mad as there were no clues at all when we were away of how he felt. I look at the photos and we are laughing and smiling and think i must be going mad ... like i cannot judge people or trust my own judgement anymore. It keeps running over and over in my head. xx

sufficient Mon 28-Mar-11 15:45:41

Hi pompeyc, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Could it be there is someone else in the picture? Often explains a lot I'm afraid

SlightlyMadSpook Mon 28-Mar-11 16:27:09

Welcome Pompey.

I am still very new on this road too so can't offer you much advice. There are many wise words to be had from the others though.

Well I have just done school run.

OW DD came to where I wait for my kids and asked DD3 "are your parents here?" sounded very much like she was sent to spy on me. Then OW comes up and checks I am there. I am so cross. I accused XP for spying on me and checking I was actually on school run (as opposed to sending someone else/kids I am not normally available on a Monday). XP denies sending them (when I spoke to him from his very echoy hotel room), but quite easily be OW trying to make me uncomfortable.

This is just so horrible.

Teaandcakeplease Mon 28-Mar-11 16:32:54

How weird, why would she care whether you were or not. Perhaps I few well placed caustic comments wouldn't go amiss wink

SlightlyMadSpook Mon 28-Mar-11 17:13:05

Just trying to make me uncomfortable I expect.

My name will be mud cos I have protected my (pretty significant) financial assets very well. But I did it for a reason and am prefectly within my rights to keep them to myself.

Patienceobtainsallthings Mon 28-Mar-11 17:31:48

Too right Spook.
Was thinking about boundaries today and i think the best way to describe it is keeping urself safe from someone elses behaviour .So with Mymble its XHs shouting/bullying.
With mine it was not swearing at me on the phone/in my home ,
not seeing kids in new home ,did pick ups at the supermarket.
Not seeing the kids when he was drunk.
Not introducing gf.
All these things would have made me emotionally unstable and I wasnt doing that anymore ,to make his life easier.Just decide what is unacceptable to you.
Do what you have to do to have a quiet peaceful life .Speak up for yourself .
Dont give a flying f**k what anyone thinks of you ,you are working very hard to keep this all going just now and he is dickin around with OW.Most people will NEVER be in the situation ur in ,so dont give their thoughts another second of ur time x

pompeyc Mon 28-Mar-11 18:58:12

Er you're not the first to say that but i don't think so .... we don't live close to one another so i will never know. I am sick and tired of thinking about it... wake up cry... go to work cry... lunchtime cry some more.... come home and cry a bit more .... wake up in night and cry again! This is so crap xx

Patienceobtainsallthings Mon 28-Mar-11 19:03:57

It truly is pomp ,no escapin ' it ,just let the tears flow ,big hugs mate x

pompeyc Mon 28-Mar-11 19:09:45

thank you for the knid words .... x

Mymymble Mon 28-Mar-11 20:15:50

Hello Pompey, how awful for you. Sounds like XP's running away from responsibility which to a mum is also all the happy family life you had spent ten times more effort (so exhausting) than he imagined building up as a family unit but to a man is often happiness but often hastle. He should give you reasons why he wasn't happy if you're still talking since you could both change things and he should speak to the DCs if they want to talk to him. It took weeks for me to realise the NM had dumped me rather than my whole family but the DCs realised it much sooner and didn't feel nearly as bad as I expected. When you have strength you and they will still be doing the fun things, it's XP who will have lost out.
Patience - waiting for counselling since November. NM doesn't want "a relationship" any more - lives 50 miles away & only interested in having someone to go to pub with really (not a great pub goer) or talk on phone or one-off sex. What you said about setting boundaries is so right but with H it is like any verbal contact is better than him just not speaking to me for months on end, just sending me threats through lawyers. He was on the phone today saying he hadn't been able to sleep after talking to me yesterday - like I haven't been able to sleep for months.
Spook could OW & her DD be looking to see if XP there to pick up DCs with you rather than checking up on you? Was she wondering where he was because he'd gone awol?

Patienceobtainsallthings Mon 28-Mar-11 21:41:26

The sleep thing is because all his negativity has just boomaranged back onto him.He hasnt got a clue about that ,but be safe in the knowledge that everytime he shouts at you he will feel like crap.Its not healthy so it has to stop for everyones sakes.I understand the control thing of cutting off any contact if u dont play by his rules ,but you need to train him mymble.He thinks he can bully u; he cant.If u arent working you should qualify for legal aid .I would say the sooner u get the divorce sorted ,the sooner u will find peace.Have u accepted the marriage is over,do you still love ur H?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: