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I have 2 men in my life and now i need to decide which one i want to be with!!

(105 Posts)
FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 10:11:07

I have been a lone parent of 2 kids for almost 5 years now. At roughly the same time my exh left me a friend of mine left her husband and their 2 boys. As you can imagine me and her husband were both devastated (both our exs left us cos they had met someone else) and upon a chance meeting we got chatting and have been very good friends ever since, we got each other through the bad times, cried down the phone to each other in the middle of the night etc. We have also been on days out together with our kids (now aged 11 - 17) and even been on weekends away. He is a lovely man and i dont know how i would have got through the first year without him. We are good friends but nothing more.......
Anyway about a year and a half ago i was on a girls night out, I met a nice man and we have been seeing each other since, he lives 30 miles away so we only see each other at weekends so I still do stuff with my friend (will call him C)in the week and on the odd weekend when dp is working. My new dp is a lovely man too, he treats me and the kids well and would do anything for me and I love him. He has 2 bad points, he is rubbish with money and has quite a lot of debt and he smokes.
This weekend dp was working so me and C and the kids went out and while the kids were ice skating he had a heart to heart with me and told me that he has fallen in love with me. I was gobsmacked!! I have never thought of him in this way but after having a long hard think about it I am not sure if i actually fallen for him too.

My dp is lovely, but we dont see each other much and i worry about our future as he has no money, a rubbish job and what money he does have he spends on fags and booze and likes to go out every weekend drinking and can be very loud. Sex is quite infrequent too (he is 11 years older than me and has a much much lower sex drive) but he is always there for me, he looked after me last year when i was very ill with swine flu and I do love him.
But my friend C is much more like me, he is quiet, hard working, we enjoy quiet meals out together and chatting and is the total opposite to dp.

I am so so confused now. I love my dp but I have very strong feelings for my lovely friend too. I just dont know what to do.

flipfloppop Mon 21-Mar-11 10:14:30

Are your heart and head telling you different things...

Do you feel the same about C as he does about you?

My mum had a best friend who was my godfather who was in love with her but she didn't know how she felt and he went on to marry some else. Looking back she realises he would have been her soul mate and partner for life.

Think carefully what you want right now as well as for the future x

ilove Mon 21-Mar-11 10:16:24

Sounds to me like C is the one - if you can see yourself having a good sex life with him, and that attraction is there for you - he already sounds like a best friend!

PorkChopSter Mon 21-Mar-11 10:19:37

Go with C. Well, snog him first & see how it goes grin

Your current DP does not sound like much of a future guy.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 21-Mar-11 10:22:36

C sounds like more of a soulmate.

FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 10:32:53

I have painted quite a bad picture of dp but then when I try to think of the negatives about C i cant find anything to say really.

Dp is a lovely man but I often have to bail him out moneywise and I worry about the future. But i know if i rang him this minute and i needed him he would be here like a shot but then i know C would too.

I can honestly say i never even had an inkling that C felt this way, we do get on very well and we have had some good times together with and without the kids. I have been invited to family stuff with him when he has not wanted to go alone (his brothers 40th party, a family wedding) and his family are lovely too.

I just do not want to hurt anyone.

FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 10:35:38


The more i think about it the more i am starting to think i do feel the same about him. These thoughts never even came into my head til he told me yesterday, before that he was just C, my best mate.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 21-Mar-11 10:37:29

Well you are going to hurt one them. You have to forget about their feelings for the minute and think about you. Put yourself first.

Which one of them can you see yourself growing old with, which one do you think you have more in common with and can see yourself still enjoying being with them in ten/twenty years time?

Niceguy2 Mon 21-Mar-11 10:39:28

Another vote for C.

Sorry but whilst you may love your DP. The red flag to me is the fact he's crap with money and already you are bailing him out.

That will only get worse if/when you live together. There's nothing romantic/sexy/magical when you are sat there penniless cos he's spent all the cash and he doesn't earn a decent salary to afford what the lifestyle he's living! Oh and all the while still being able to find the cash somehow for fags.

FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 10:47:46

I am finding it so hard to think about whats best for me, i am so so upset with the thought of having to hurt anyone.

Before C told me this, I could see myself growing old with dp, we talk about the future and have been discussing where we might go on holiday this year etc. Now I am not so sure.

Supernanny89 Mon 21-Mar-11 10:55:52

I'd go with C, having a strong friendship and closeness in a relationship is as, if not more, important than the physical side. I understand everone have needs but having a best friend in a relationship is such a fantastic feeling. I'd be worried about the future with your dp if he hasn't much money, not that money is everything, but you need to know that youd be financially stable.

thenightsky Mon 21-Mar-11 11:00:56

Another vote for C here too.

I was in a similar situation but no DC. I picked my Mr C and, 25 years later, am still glad I did.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 21-Mar-11 11:02:11

I would see how things develop further with C; there is more of a foundation for a relationship here anyway. He seems like a decent chap and I think you need to give him a chance.

The other man is crap with money amongst other things and you're already enabling him by bailing him out. Enabling him does not help him and only gives you a false sense of control. What are you getting out of this relationship?. If you could at one time see yourself growing old with this man, then I would be asking myself some questions as to why you were thinking that in the first place.

LargeGlassOfRedPlease Mon 21-Mar-11 11:04:35

It is clear from what you are telling us that you already's CCCCCCCCC!!!!

BigHairyGruffalo Mon 21-Mar-11 11:13:38

Definitely C!!!! Good luck!

FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 11:16:12

I think i saw myself growing old with dp because I do love him, and he does a lot for me and my kids. He will run them about at weekends, he cooks us meals, washes up afterwards, helps me around the house etc and is a good man. He is very wise and calm, and i can ask his advice on anything and he always supports me in whatever i do. He has brought his daughter up alone for the past 10 years and he has done a good job, she is a lovely girl. He loves going out at the weekend, he is the life and soul of the party and everyone likes him. I think this made him quite exciting at the beginning, he was very different to my exh who was just plain miserable.

C is more of a quiet meal and cinema kind of guy, he likes the quiet life. We go to each others houses and have a takeaway and play cards and other games with the kids. He is much less confident and I know it must have taken a lot of guts to tell me how he feels.

AyeAyeCapn Mon 21-Mar-11 11:23:42

I would suggest that if you're not sure, you don't need to 'choose' either of them. If you are having doubts about your current dp, back off - as you say, you don't see him loads anyway. Continue to meet up with C and see how/if your feelings develop. Tell him you hadn't thought of him in that way but that you are open to exploring your feelings, and as you say he is a good man he will be happy to let you do so. You're obviously not head over heels with either of them, otherwise you wouldn't be having this dilemma!

FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 11:27:52

Thanks for your advice everyone, its definitely got me thinking.

I thought I had what I wanted in my dp but this has made me think that I probably havent.

annapolly Mon 21-Mar-11 11:34:40

IMO if you can't choose between two men, you don't want either of them.

When you find "the one" nothing would stand in your way.

You are thinking of finishing with your DP for someone you had spent a lot of time with but never had a romantic thought about, it doesn't say much for your relationship.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 21-Mar-11 11:39:37

Well do you like a life and soul of the party type guy or a quiet meal and cinema guy? Do you prefer parties or meal/cinema?

higgle Mon 21-Mar-11 11:41:02

FeelingOld - it does not necessarily have to b one or the other - it might be neither.

From what you have said a long term future with your dp is not going to be easy, the problems with money, sex and smoking don't auger well for the future. If you have come to the opinion anyway that this relationship is not a "forever" one it is kindest to end it now. You could then see how it goes with C - but life is not a fairy-tale he sounds more promising but it would not be the end of the world is he was not Mr Right.

MooMooFarm Mon 21-Mar-11 11:41:38

I can't help thinking that if you have to ask a load of strangers on a website who you should choose, you can't really like either of them that much. Sorry if that sounds blunt; I don't mean to be, but IMO when you find 'the one' everything will click and you will know.

MooMooFarm Mon 21-Mar-11 11:42:05

x posted with anna grin

FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 12:11:30

If I am totally honest I do know which one of them I want to be with and I think we would be very happy together now and in the future.

I just feel very upset that I am going to have to tell the other one that I dont want to be with him.

They are both good men and neither of them deserve to be hurt.

FeelingOld Mon 21-Mar-11 12:14:00

MooMooFarm - I havent come on here to ask anyone to tell me who to choose or be with, I have just come on here to let out how I am feeling because I dont feel I can really discuss this with anyone in real life so just needed to get it all off my chest really.

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