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So he has gone at last..why do I feel so wretched?

(137 Posts)
memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 12:56:06

Following on from my previous threads, H finally left today after confessing he had strong feelings for the woman he had the EA with, he said he cant shake them off, he thought by staying, that the feelings would sbside, but they havent, he said he cares for me, but that he doesnt feel a spark etc. We had been coasting since christmas anyway..

He reckons he hasnt gone to stay with her..yeah righthmm..I should be releived that I finally have some closure..instead I feel tortured..I keep imagining them together, laughing and joking at work,etc..I feel sicksad

Aislingorla Mon 14-Mar-11 13:13:08

So awful for you. Sorry.

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 13:16:50

I am sorry x

Best he goes though, if he was never going to give your relationship his full attention

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 13:23:16

You are right Peter Andre, I guess I lost him a long time ago,I feel so stupid and deluded, that I got back together with him initially and had another baby

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 13:27:49

sweetheart, I remember your previous threads

you tried, he didn't (not hard enough)

that isn't stupid, you love(d) him and wanted to keep your family together

however, now you can move on, knowing that one person in a partnership wanting it so much, just isn't enough x

easy words, eh ? smile

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 13:28:48

oh, and you didn't "lose" him, he decided to detach himself

there is a difference

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 14:15:59

I guess I have some closure now, its true he didnt WANT to keep our marriage together, I did all the giving, he did all the taking..I have cried my eyes out then started changing my living room around, I want the house to look different

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 14:33:30

go out tomorow and buy new bed linen

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 14:51:21

Thats a good ideasmile

I might personalise the bedroom too, to my taste

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 14:52:41

what colour do you fancy ?

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 15:03:59


PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 15:06:07

oi, don't diss purple

I have a purple and black bedroom !

well, plum, not purple grin

make sure you choose a colour that he would hate ..

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 15:19:05

no Im being seriousgrin.I wanted a purple feature wall in the bedroom with plum bedding and sparkly plum voile..he hated anything like that, inc my windchimes etc. When I met him 16 years ago, I dressed in purple and black and had purple hair, pierced nose etc, my house was all windchimes and clutter, within six months of him moving in, I had a cream house devoid of anything personal, my piercings were gone..

he never loved me for me, it was who he wanted me to be, now Im going to be ME again!

sufficient Mon 14-Mar-11 15:31:58

So sorry memorylapse, am going through the same thing. H gave exactly the same reasons too! Sending you lots of support and hugs, hope you have fun redecorating

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 15:39:14

Im sorry you are going through it to Sufficient. Did your ex h have an EA?

thumbwitch Mon 14-Mar-11 15:44:10

memorylapse - you let him change you that much? wow, I'm so sorry! but not sorry he's gone - now that he HAS left the building you can stop trying to be someone you are not and be free to be the person you really are!
(on a personal note, I think the purple-and-black loving person would be faaaar more interesting and fun than the bland ol' cream one - and I love windchimes)

You are going to feel so much better in a short while - you really are. ONce you re-establish your identity, you will realise that you have been living under oppression for the last however many (did you say 16?) years and you will be relieved that he has fucked off.

Oh you will be much happier without this knobber. The OW will now be having her personality erased by him while you regain all your strength and passion for life. Best of luck.

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 16:04:30

Get your piercings back

Find your real personality again, now that you do not have to please anyone else

and love, don't change yourself so much for a man, ever again, ok ?

GoddessofSubburbia Mon 14-Mar-11 16:15:16

Memorylapse, I'm a long time lurker, and occasional poster, and I just had to post on your thread- hope you don't mind.

I was in exactly the same circumstances as you 6 months ago, except that my marriage broke down under mutually agreeable terms- well, mostly. But exH had done exactly the same personality erasing on me too- he's a designer, and therefore knew much more than me about matters of taste...hmm suffice to say around September of last year, I woke up, looked around me and didn't recognise myself.

Changing things, rediscovering yourself again is helpful, and most of all, it's fun! My bedroom has the feature wall you describe, along with voile etc, and bed dressings (so shoot me!) except it's various colours of teal. I have a new dining table, which I know he thinks is the worst example of taste possible... you know what? I love it, because I finally stopped caring about what he thinks. He is not my barometer of good taste anymore, and whilst it still hurts that we are no longer together, indulging 'me', having things I've chosen around me and having a bit of fun has been an enormous comfort in the more difficult times.

Keep going... I promise it gets easier.

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 19:18:47

Solid Gold..dont worry no personality erasing required for new woman, she is everyone I never was..thats why they clicked.

I cant beleive I allowed myself to change so much..when I met H I was a festival loving single mum, he was everything I NEVER went for in a man, but I was attarcted to him, I thought maybe my breaking my type I might get a man who cared for me.

he was my neighbour and told me he used to watch me walk past and think "shes really nice shame about the clothes"hmm why the heck didnt I hear the warning signs..he immediately started winging about my nose piercing, my windchimes etc. Desperate to please him I changed ..outwardly though..inside I was still the same..tbh I wondered if he ever loved me out marriage broke down over the last couple of months, he started bitching about things I did, liked etc.

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 19:20:15

Goddess..theres something very satisfying about getting things you know your h would hatewink

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 19:24:54

Next time, maybe it would be good if you only let someone in with which you have a lot in common

I say opposites can attract...but there must be compromise on both sides, and it sounds like he made fuck-all effort on that front hmm

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 19:58:10

well..I think Ill look forward to my own company for a while..*if* I ever get to the stage of getting involved with someone, it will be someone who loves ME, windchimes and all..

H came round to get some more stuff today, he said "I never wanted any of this" I told him to f**k off

PeterAndreForPM Mon 14-Mar-11 20:00:03

good thinking, ML

on the "own company" and on telling him to fuck off smile

memorylapse Mon 14-Mar-11 20:11:06

Im not adverse to saying what I thinkgrin

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