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Genuine question, can a woman ever be responsible for making a man hit her?

(152 Posts)
Jic Sat 12-Mar-11 23:44:56

Because that's the response I get from my husband. I've been hit about seven or eight times now, in the course of our relationship. I am utterly at a loss because I know exactly what I'd say to any woman in my position, I would say, get out and never look back. So why the fuck can't I take my own advice? Why do I truly believe it's my fault, that I made him do it each time, he says I push him to the limit? What if I do? Is it justified then? I'm so so confused.
What a ramble, just had to get it down.

Xales Sat 12-Mar-11 23:58:14

You can wind someone up, annoy and make them angry.

You cannot make them ball their hand into a fist and punch you.

The only one who can do that is them. If they cannot control themselves or walk away they are pathetic weak people.

cestlavielife Sat 12-Mar-11 23:58:57

no it isnt justified.
at all
ever

(unless truly genuine self defence)

if you push him to the limit so much - what does he get out of the relationship? noting - except eh does coz he likes the control..

you know what to do.
do it

Rohanda Sun 13-Mar-11 00:04:20

Do you really think you are that powerful? That you can 'make' someone act in an unvoluntary way??

Of course you aren't. The truth is that he hits you because he can for his own resons. And thinks he can get away with it. And he very probably won't stop until you stop it happening.

edam Sun 13-Mar-11 00:04:41

Please contact Women's Aid or Refuge for the support you need to leave him (or throw him out).

And no, btw, it's the person who hits who is responsible for hitting. Not the victim.

JemAndTheHolograms Sun 13-Mar-11 00:05:13

No, pretty much never, only if the woman is the one doing the hitting and he reacts in self defence. He has hit you seven to eight times, shit he is an abusive twat, Jic, and you need to get out. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.

I had an incident last year with my DH were we got into a physical fight that ended up including DSD (18) (she was trying to protect me). He was drunk, I threw my drink in his face, the glass (unintentionally) touched his eye (didn't smash), and he thought I'd tried to glass him. (I didn't). Police were called, he stopped the instant they came and fell into a heap sobbing. He has never hit me before in the 16 years we've together and has never shown any kind of abusive behaviour before either. He was a wreck afterwards so apologetic and remorseful. We worked through it and have come out stronger. If anything like that were to happen again (although I'm 99% sure it won't) I'd be off in a shot with the DDs. If he has hit you 7 or 8 times and is blaming you for it, he is abusive.

Please contact Women's Aid.

squeakytoy Sun 13-Mar-11 00:05:19

I believe a woman can wind a man up. Course she can.. but it is the mans self control that stops him from hitting her.

As I just said on the other thread, a decent man, no matter how much he is provoked will hit a solid object but never his wife.

However, having said that, many men will blame the woman for winding him up, just to pathetically try to excuse his own disgusting behaviour.

Hitting your partner, in fact, hitting anyone unless in self defence, is NEVER justified.

Maryz Sun 13-Mar-11 00:07:09

I suspect it just might be possible, if you were very determined, to do a sort of pushing, pushing, pushing, threatening to hit him, punching the air stopping just short of his face type of fighting, and then he could lose his temper and push you away, so as to hit you by mistake type of thing.

But I think you would have to be very determined indeed. And the result wouldn't be a "hit" as such, more a shove to get you out of his face.

So if you have been hit, properly hit, it isn't your fault. He isn't trying to stop you hitting him, or your kids is he? He is deciding to hit you, to hurt you. And if he can do it to you what is to stop him hitting your children if they "push him" or "annoy him".

You know this is wrong, or you wouldn't be posting sad. This can't be your fault and you know it.

AyeRobot Sun 13-Mar-11 00:09:07

If he hits you because you push him to his limit, then his limit is in the wrong place.

Please phone Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

It's not your fault. Ever.

FunnysInTheGarden Sun 13-Mar-11 00:09:30

no, never. Either party should walk away and hit the wall if nec. They should never hit the other person

Hatesponge Sun 13-Mar-11 00:10:07

My ex-p used to say the same. As well as hitting me, I also 'made' him swear at me, call me vile names, spit on me and generally treat me like shit. He still genuinely believes it was all down to me, as he'd never hit a woman til he met me. And he almost got me thinking it was my fault to.

What did it finally for me was when a (male) friend who I really respected and whose opinion I valued, heard a voicemail my Exp (still P at that time) had left for me, having a go at me for something or other - pretty run of the mill to me by then. Friend was horrified, could not believe any man could speak to their partner like that, and told me so in no uncertain terms, and that I couldn't and shouldn't allow him to do so.

Finally hearing someone say that (my other friends all very much sat on the fence about it all/told me I should be grateful to P for taking me on as a LP...) made it 'click' for me, a few weeks later I told Exp it was over, and a while after that I left him for good.

So you can do it, and you will. Please believe that what your H is saying isn't the truth, and ultimately as an adult the only one responsible for his actions is him. It is not your fault he has no self control.

TheVisitor Sun 13-Mar-11 00:13:18

You don't physically lift his hand and make him punch you. This is his problem, not yours. You don't deserve to be hit.

Jic Sun 13-Mar-11 00:29:57

I worry all the time about how this affects our kids. I want to protect them so much but although they have never seen any violence, they hear him shouting at me and cover their ears. I want to protect them so much because I was abused as a child and my self esteem never recovered from it.
It shouldn't be hard to leave, it really shouldn't given what he's done to me, but it feels hard, I take on board all of your messages. It makes more sense to me. It's difficult figuring it all out by yourself. To everyone else he is outwardly very calm, friendly, generous and helpful in our community, nobody would ever ever guess what he can be like. Nobody knows in rl. I'll have to delete history on this in case he sees it.

magicmummy1 Sun 13-Mar-11 00:34:32

No, you are never responsible for violence which is inflicted on you. The person who perpetrates the violence is responsible. Always.

He has done it 7 or 8 times already. You know he'll do it again. You deserve so much better. Please get help, now.

TheVisitor Sun 13-Mar-11 00:35:17

It really will be affecting the kids. Call Women's Aid for help. You really do sound like your eyes are now wide open and the time has come for you to get help. The very best of luck to you. xx

magicmummy1 Sun 13-Mar-11 00:37:57

please get help - for your children and for yourself. This is not going to get better. I know it's hard but you need to get out.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 13-Mar-11 08:33:25

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

Jic; destructive patterns are being repeated here which started in your own childhood with the abuse you suffered then. You are still suffering now but this time the abuser is your H; you were pre-conditioned and thus a gift to an abusive type like your H. Now your children (the second generation) are also seeing and hearing far, far more than they should be. Their childhoods are also being damaged.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. They are learning from you both; damaging lessons are being imparted here.

Many women do find it extremely hard to leave and it can take more than one attempt to leave but this is no legacy to leave your children. Just look at the legacy you were yourself left by being abused. Please call WA; they can and will help you.

I would look into joining one of WA's Freedom programmes and having counselling about the abuse you suffered in childhood (BACP are helpful). Take some power back; you are not as powerless as you think you are.

Jic Sun 13-Mar-11 08:56:56

Thanks for all your posts. They have been so helpful. When it's not happened in a while I feel like things could recover, but then I keep remembering what's happened like when I was hit across the face whilst pregnant with ds or whipped with a rolled up teatowel from head to toe. My poor babies, I feel so bad that they may have been damaged. I work full time, and he takes them when I need him to cover childcare ( I work shifts) but I'm so scared of the move on my own. He is a good dad, and the kids adore him. It's such a mess.

sexsexual Sun 13-Mar-11 09:08:26

The simple answer is no. I do know a couple where the husband had to take help for anger management. A bit like your case, it wasn't a regular thing but he had resorted to violence a handful of times. He was helped and they have a happy, violence free marriage now. Don't know how successful the therapy is generally though.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 13-Mar-11 09:13:09

Jic, I'm going to get a little bit cross here. It's not with you but with that line you're buying.

He is not a good dad.

He whips their mother, he shouts at her in their hearing, and he hit you whilst you were pregnant (oh but that was all right, it was in the face so it couldn't have hurt the baby!). Just because he is not doing the same to them (yet? wait till they get in their teens and start talking back...) does not make him good. He is setting them a horrible, horrible example. Did you know that social services regard witnessing domestic abuse as child abuse in itself, even if the children are never abused directly?

As Attila put it so well, you have learned from being abused as a child that you deserve this kind of treatment. You think your abusive husband is a good dad because he is not doing to the children what you had done to you. What he is doing is bad though, very bad, and not normal and not right.

missmehalia Sun 13-Mar-11 09:14:42

You can't make someone do something. He is choosing how to respond to you. Or react, rather.

By putting up with it you are enabling it, and therefore have your share of the responsibility.

I will say something a bit different to what others have said. Rather than getting out of there, I suggest you get him out. Then leave when you are ready, rather than fleeing as a victim. The victim mentality is hard to shift.

The help is out there to support you. Only you know when you've had enough.

I realise this all sounds hardline, but I believe we all have more power than we think we do in situations like this. How much longer do you want to live like this? Or subject your children to it, if there are DCs on the scene? These are questions only you can answer, but as I said, by doing nothing you are allowing it to continue.

Get him out, and get help in choosing a healthier relationship next time.

ShirleyKnot Sun 13-Mar-11 09:16:08

Annie said it before I got a chance to, he is not a good dad. Not one tiny bit.

Your husband whipped you? Fuck me that's so bad. sad

meditrina Sun 13-Mar-11 09:19:41

I agree with maryz, it's not impossible, but it's rare, extreme and the result of deliberate goading and provocation, and thus a sign of a completely different type of abusive relationship.

That doesn't sound at all like your situation.

Get help.

spooktrain Sun 13-Mar-11 09:25:05

Sending you strength to get out of this relationship.
You have set the ball in motion by posting here and acknowledging that there is something very badly wrong going on here. You are rightfully very concerned for your children: they are hearing violent shouting and getting used to you presumably walking on eggshells to keep the peace. You know you don't want that to be their pattern for their future relationships.
There is help out there for you, and though it must be incredibly hard to make the move you DO have it in you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 13-Mar-11 09:36:32

Jic,

Re this comment:-
"He is a good dad, and the kids adore him"

Why did you write the above exactly?.

Women in abusive relationships often write along the above lines when they themselves have nothing, yes nothing, positive to say about your man.

I know nothing of your past except about reading of abuse you alluded too. Presumably your mother may have thought the same; look where those types of thoughts have got you now. You were preconditioned to accept abuse and you're now within an abusive marriage. The two are connected.

Abuse too goes in a cycle and am sure he does the nice/nasty part but its a continuous one. (What do you yourself know about this man's childhood; this is often learnt behaviour. You learnt how to be abused, he learnt how to abuse others.

Your children cover their ears to try not to hear it, they too clearly see how their dad treats their mother. It is extremely damaging for them as well even if they are not seeing all this directly. Their childhood is full of fear and loathing (perhaps towards you both) as yours likely was as well.

You cannot remain within this abusive relationship; he will destroy you all ultimately along with your children as well who could go onto repeat abusive type patterns within their own relationships. This is no legacy to leave them, it truly is not. One generation i.e you remains profoundly affected, it is your responsibility not to let the second i.e your children go down that path.

He is also quite happy to drag you all down with him. Abuse is about power and control.

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