Thank you for all your kind replies, I'm sorry that I can't reply to each one individually.
I am depressed, I have had depression since I was a child and suicidal thoughts since about the age of 11 (2 half hearted attempts at about age 12 and 22). This is not PND, however, I did have it post DD and I had antenatal counselling as a result.
I suppose I am a "high functioning" depressive, if that makes sense. I worked hard at my lowly school, got myself a stellar (Oxbridge) university education, high status/high earning career in the City. I've never really fit in, though. I always found I had to move on because something wasn't quite right - I reinvented myself a lot, under the guise of getting better jobs with more status/money. I guess I've always been running away from something, and now there's nowhere to run.
I had an extremely stressful childhood with 2 abusive parents. I can't parent by example and feel the need to do the opposite of what they did all the time. However, I feel like I "revert to type" from time to time, and vomit out the sort of verbal abuse my mother fired at us. When it happens, it feels like an out of body experience, and I am physically shaking afterwards. Unlike her, I rarely use violence. I have smacked hard a couple of times, and felt physically sick about it. Unlike my own mother, I do balance it out with love, my DD and I have a very loving relationship. I always apologise after one of my episodes and try to explain why I was angry and make it clear that the behaviour on my part was bad. I try to make my daughter know that it is her behaviour, not her being, that was bad. Nevertheless, I know my daughter is being adversely effected by my behaviour, and my screaming fits really upset my normally placid baby.
I have a few close friends but would not/could not burden them with childcare or my problems. I have never been able to bear the mother/baby groups, I feel such a fraud at them and I have felt awkward and plagued with the "not fitting in" feelings. I do take the DCs to groups (music/gym etc) and have people I am friendly with, but nothing that's translated into friendships.
I have severed contact with my family, save for one dear, dear sister, who helps me when she can, but who lives several hundred miles away and has her own burdens to bear.
WRT work, there is a general hiring freeze in my sector, I have been actively seeking since DD turned 1. Nothing has come up, really. In any event, the type of work I do is not really conducive to part time work.
I don't think my feelings towards my children are completely down to the difficulties of the early years, although I do recognise that things get easier as they get older. I can't, and never will have, the life I wanted for myself. The resentment that generates in me....at the moment, I can't see that dissipating, only intensifying as I get older and further away from the promise of my youth.
My husband is a good man, but we are ill matched. He knows how I feel, including the suicidal feelings, but he simply can't get his head around it. He works very long hours in the City and I am quite often left to deal with the children alone (he does pull his wight when he is at home). He is living his idyll, and can't understand why I am not grateful to be in the privileged position I am.
I do agree that work may at least get me out of the fug I am in. We have recently moved to a new city and are about to move to a new town again. Once things settle down, my DD will hopefully be in nursery care come September and I'd like DS to start nursery a couple of mornings this time next year.
My fear, however, is that these feelings will not go away and will blight me forever. I am having counselling, which is fine up to a point, but I'm a bit cynical as to the long term benefits.
Thanks again for all your posts and caring comments.