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Relationships

don't know what to do next

36 replies

ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 10:10

I'm not sure specifically what I'm looking for here, maybe just to tell someone how I'm feeling.

I think I need to leave dp, the feeling is getting stronger and stronger. It used to be odd moments, then longer periods, now it seems like the happy times are the odd moments.

I have lost my faith in him, and respect for him. And I'm beginning to resent him, for not working harder, for not wanting more, for not wanting to take better care of us, for leaving it to me to think and plan and hope for the future.

We have 2 young dcs, one of them has some sn. He will be starting school in September, but for now I have all but given up work so that I can be there to take him to appointments, take him and collect from playschool. I don't really want to get into my son on here, but basically I need to be at home for him right now. He has thrived since I gave up work, and nothing could convince me to put him back into someone else's care right now so I could go to work. He IS my work!

Dp is very resentful of this. Before I gave up work I repeatedly tried to discuss it with him, consider every option, find ways I could still work just at different times....but he refused to engage, so I had to go ahead without his agreement. I still work one day at the weekend. It's eating up our time together as a family, for very little money, but I don't want to/can't give it up. We are so stretched financially that even this little money makes a little difference.

I was about to start talking about dp, how he hates his job, says he's looking for a new one, does nothing. He finally admitted to me he's scared, which I have always known. But his fear comes out as anger, and I'm so sick of him being angry at me.

Last weekend I though I might explode. So tired (I don't drive and now have had to stop learning as I can't afford it) so I walk about 30 miles a week just doing playschool runs. I was exhausted from a heavy period, which dp knew about because he'd asked me what was wrong, I looked so pale. Had to beg him to get up (at midday) so I could leave the house to go to work. This happens every week. He makes feel like I'm being stupid and whingy, but I can't just leave the kids downstairs with no one awake in the house, never mind the fact he should be making them lunch at that point...

MY dd is 3 and having lots of tantrums at the moment. It all became so clear to me. I spend every moment caring for other people, my whole life is based around it. I'm not a martyr, I believe that by doing my best by my family now, I will benefit later. I hope to raise settled happy secure children.

But last weekend I realised I spend all my time time caring for everyone else, and every single one of them is ungrateful and rude to me. (DS is 4 and sn, dd is 3, so I can make allowances for them!)

I just don't know what to do now . I have asked to be referred for counselling at the local children's centre, as it is free. But otherwise I'm pretty well fucked. I'm trying to feed us (and 2 teenagers for weekends) on £30 per week, trying to pay off debts I have no money at all.

I need to find out what I want, make sense of it all. I can't think straight anymore, not sure if dp really is just a selfish arsehole, or if he's depressed/also struggling with the pressures.

And if I decide I want to leave, what then, I have no money, nowhere to go. I'll be stuck in this house with him and things will be worse than ever.

If anyone is still reading, thankyou. I'm not sure how coherent I am being, if any of this makes sense.

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MessedUp29 · 06/03/2011 10:18

I think you've made your mind up, that you want to leave. Why don't you look into the options you have available about housing etc for you and your DC? Or perhaps wait until after you've had counselling and see what you learn from that. I think you have to talk to your DH. He needs to know how low you are feeling.

Hugs

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LittleMissHissyFit · 06/03/2011 10:18

I don't know really what to suggest, but honey you need a HUG!

I don't know how you are going to do it, but he has to pull his weight.

Who's debts are these that you are paying off? If you are not working FT, then why are YOU paying them?

I'm sure he is struggling with the pressure, but laying in bed when you ought to be working will only add to it. Whether he is depressed or just selfish actually matters little, the result is the same, that you are struggling alone and barely living. He needs to do something about his today. Either get off his behind or get help.

Sad to say, you may be better off if you ask him to leave, then at least you will get more help in benefits.

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 10:47

LittleMiss, I'm coming to the same conclusion, that the state cares enough to make sure me and the kids have a roof over our heads and enough to eat.

It came out the other night that he's basically waiting for me to get a fulltime job so he can give up work. He often talks about that. He wants to work for himself, which he actually has a great idea and he is very good at what he wants to do. But he lacks discipline. BUt he never says he wants to be with the kids, always that he wants to be at home..a subtle difference, but to me I absolutely want to be with my children, the being at home bit isn't important if that makes sense?

Oh, I'm just going to stop talking about him! I'm supposed to be thinking about me!

The debts are not massive, I still owe £300 to nursery from when I was working, I'm trying to pay £100 per month but I haven't managed it because food has gone up so much. Also, when we moved house I bought some furniture (beds for kids etc) on credit from Argos, It was 9 months interest-free credit, I would have paid it off easily, but then I gave up work...

The water bill has just come in, I normally pay that, but I haven't got any money. Last month I almost got taken to court. My credit rating is definitely taking a hit at the moment, so I'm really worried thats going to make it harder to leave too.

Thankyou for the hugs, made me cry, it's so strange actually admitting my feelings, have had to keep strong for so long.

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Buda · 06/03/2011 10:53

Why is he not helping to pay any of the debts? They are his too surely?

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 11:04

There is just not enough money coming into the house. He pays rent, gas and electric, car (fuel tax insurance etc) house insurance, all that stuff, He does not have enough money coming in to pay for everything. I pay for food with tax credits, council tax with childbenefit and half my wages. I earn £100 per month.

We also have a bank loan for a car we bought a few years ago. The car died, but we still owe the bank money obviously. We've paid for the car a few times over now in repayments.

This is why I have lost my respect for him- doesn't he want to change this?! My parents finances were similar when I was growing up, I don't want it to be the same for my children. I expected to be part of a family that supported each other and aimed for the very best, aimed for a better life, worked hard together to get that.

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squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 11:14

who are the two teenagers you have to feed at weekends?

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 11:17

His sons from a previous relationship

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squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 11:18

Ah. Is he paying maintenance for them too out of your finances then?

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squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 11:20

I dont see why the hell you should have to be paying for their food out of the limited amount of money you have either. Feeding two teenagers is no different to feeding two adults.

Why did he split with their mum? There is usually a pattern of behaviour with most men.

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SueWhite · 06/03/2011 11:22

How are you going to be able to afford to leave? If you are struggling as it is and can hardly work, how are you going to live on 20% of his salary? Do you joint-own the house?

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 11:30

I'm going to be a bit careful now, don't feel comfortable talking about his sons, and ex, on the internet. But, we have been reassessed by csa recently. They said he needed to pay nothing because we have no money basically. Of course, we still do, school uniforms, school trips, food, clothes etc etc. I know the reasons for their split, in a nutshell dv, but from her. I don't really want to say any more on here.

SueWhite...I know! I'm totally screwed. We don't own the house, so I guess if we left and both found somewhere temprary, we could go halves on the tenancy deposit when that comes back, would be about £800 each. But my family aren't around here, and I really don't want to mess dcs around, especially when ds is so settled.

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GypsyMoth · 06/03/2011 11:34

Any idea where you would go?

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squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 11:35

He sounds a bit of a dreamer, and a bone idle one at that.

It does sound very stressfull, and you do need much more support from your partner.

Is he aware that you are on the brink of leaving him?

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 11:40

He's always shocked. It's come to this before, and he always talks me round.

Yet he always says how boring it is being with me. He refuses to let me have a lie in, but he makes fun of me, and calls me boring for going to bed early.

The thing is, is is a really nice guy. He had quite a damaging upbringing, and very damaging first relationship. I am not making excuses for him, he is being useless. It's just such a shame, I have'nt wanted to give-up on him, hoped he could overcome his start inlife.

However, it doesn't look like that is going to happen, and the clock is ticking for me setting up the life I want for myself and my children. I would like to buy a house, I would like to go on holiday, I would like to go to the supermarket without breaking out into a cold sweat at my impossible task.

It all seems so simple written down. But I'm finding it hard to let go. I do love him, and I wish things were different.

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 11:42

I have nowhere to go, I think that's why I'm still here

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TheSecondComing · 06/03/2011 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheVisitor · 06/03/2011 11:47

With regard to your debts, contact these people www.cccs.co.uk/. Free advice and very realistic payment plans, and they don't charge. They're a charity. May help you with a way forward financially.

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 11:54

I know it should feel like that. I don't know, I just feel used up

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squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 11:59

Do you have a good relationship with his family. Could you get his parents on side to support you and give him the kick up the backside he needs?

I am sensing possibly not if you say there were problems when he was a child.

TheVisitor is giving good advice there too, there will be ways to reduce your outgoings to a manageable amount. Particularly with bank loans and credit repayments. Interest can be frozen and repayments greatly reduced.

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AyeRobot · 06/03/2011 12:06

Are you able to sit down with him when things are calm and explain to him that you are at the end of your tether? Did he ever get any counselling to deal with his upbringing and his ex?

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Smum99 · 06/03/2011 12:11

It feels to me that you have pressures that are causing the relationship to be tested to breaking point (debts, step parenting, 2 small children) and sadly you are pulling apart rather than in the same direction. He could be resentful that your work situation has caused you both to sink into further debt.He could be mildly depressed about the situation and finding it hard to get motivated. Depression does make a person feel completely drained of energy so it could be possible that he needs help. It would be understandably as he seems to have had a sad and difficult life which means he won't be as resillent to life pressures.

Looking back over your post it seems that if the financial pressure was resolved you would both be much happier. You could stay home and have money to enjoy family life. I don't think your situation is unique - many families are struggling and as you have 4 children it is quite a financial burden.

I know your reasons for not wanting to work but prior to giving up work did you sit down and work out a budget? If you literally don't have the finances to manage the basics then I think you might need professional financial help. The CAB is a starting point but I also believe there are free debt charities that can assist. Please do get help, even if you decide to split it worth sorting out your finances.
What if you had a magic wand and made the money situation better how would you feel about the relationship? It would be awful for the children to go through a parental separation if the real underlying issue was finances (which could get better in a few years time).

When couples are tired, mentally drained and wore down by pressures it can be hard to find the good things in the relationship. I hope you do manage a way through and hope that counselling and debt assistance makes life feel more bearable.

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Nanny0gg · 06/03/2011 12:15

Also see your GP. If your periods are consistently heavy you may be anaemic, which will contribute to your tiredness.

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EmmaBGoode · 06/03/2011 12:16

What do you expect him to do to change things?

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ChiefGuacamole · 06/03/2011 15:09

I have gone to his mum before and she has spoken to him, she is the only person he listens to really. I have been thinking about speaking to her again, but I think it would be better if I try to speak to him myself first.

We have been to couple counselling before, it was very positive, I would do it again if we could afford it! I think he's too scared to go for himself. Sometimes he admits he should, other times he turns it back on me and says I should go to counselling.

Smum99, yes I agree with everything you're saying.

I think what I want him to do is change is attitude, stop being so lazy and angry, start trying to work together.

Thankyou for everyone's replies. Going to think some more about what I want, feeling stronger again just for writing on here

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BuzzLiteBeer · 06/03/2011 15:37

He's not a nice guy at all. Read your posts back.

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