My marital problems have resulted in me going on anti depressants.

[Esme69]

My dh and I have been to 3 rounds of counselling since 2008. There is a pattern now, where things are ok for a couple of months, then he starts to get increasingly argumentative and thoughtless towards me, bites my head off unreasonable etc and things deteriorate until communication stalls. He also has a tendency to go out occasionally and binge drink, and this also worsens when he becomes like this with me.

Basically, after about 4 or 5 years of this now, I have done the counselling, read the self help books, soul searched, even been to al anon too, though I do not think he is an alcoholic, not even alcohol dependant, I think the bottom line is just that he is an angry, frustrated man. He is boss of a few companies, employes 40 people, has a lot of stresses with all that, esp with the personnel side of things and occasional money stresses, but overall, business has been good, and they have not had to let one person go since the recession.

He goes out once a week for a few pints with mates, plays golf once a week too. I am a SAHM with 5 young kids and I do all the domestic stuff, and we have a girl who helps me with the kids and house stuff, which i greatly appreciate, and I feel that although I do not bring in a wage, I work damn hard, 7.30am to 9.30pm most days, and am happy to do this.

Problem is that when we row, he throws all this up to me, all that he does for me and the kids, and that he "gets no credit" for anything. If I get annoyed or upset about a drinking binge, he throws this up to me.

Then, on Christmas eve past, he told me that I was manipulative and a vixen and my "father's daughter" because after a month of his office partying to extreme lenghts I asked him to please just stay out of the pub just for the week of Christmas. He said it with such venom, and it really hurt, as my father was emotionally abusive to all of us six kids and my mum, left us when we were kids, and has left several of his kids very badly emotionally scarred. He also tried to spoil my wedding day, thats another story, but just to give you an idea , he is a deeply toxic man, who really hurt all of us, and still finds ways to hurt us, and to be told I am like him is deeply insulting.

The next day Christmas Day, he gave me a lot of presents, but it was excessive what he spent, and yet it was given to me with such coldness, and after the day before, it just all felt so empty and meaningless, like there was no real love or affection behind it.

So, after Christmas, i felt so low, what with the recent events, and that comment about my father, but also the last few years and I felt I had slipped into depression, so i went to GP and she put me on Citalopram 20mg.

This began to help me feel a bit stronger, and my dh started to make more of an effort to not go to pub and help out more at home, still was very distant with me though.

So I began to think that things were getting better, and, with his agreement, I arranged a night out for us with a couple of good friends. That night after we got home, he picked a row with me, swore at me, then went to bed without speaking to me. The next morning he said that he hadnt even wanted to go out anyway, and that "five weeks ago you were miserable, then you take a few tablets and you expect everything to be all sunshine and flowers with us all of a sudden?"

I mean, WTF? I felt so gutted. I would have thought that he would be happy seeing me feel more positive and taking the initiative to try and do things as a couple again, that this was at least a step in the right direction.

Instead he seems to resent it, and now I feel totally apathetic. i just cannot be bothered to even try any more. Nothing I do seems to help. He seems to be angry at me when I am sad, and angry at me when I start to be happy, i am now at the stage where I just have detached. It is the only way that he can stop hurting me, and I do feel a lot better in myself and have realised that he is a miserable fucker towards me, that I do not deserve it, but that I am going to ignore it.

Thanks for sticking with me, didnt meant to have this so long. Just looking for some insight and/or advice I guess. TIA

[samels001]

Hi Esme69, you sound a lovely hardworking person who has tried so hard with your relationship. I have similar issues with the anger and frustration (altho' not with the drink). I am very concerned about the impact it is having on my only child, age 5 and have asked DH to leave.

You very eloquently make the point that nothing seems to be good enough "Instead he seems to resent it, and now I feel totally apathetic. i just cannot be bothered to even try any more. Nothing I do seems to help. He seems to be angry at me when I am sad, and angry at me when I start to be happy, i am now at the stage where I just have detached." I am in exactly this position - nothing is right and I think the time comes when all of the energy that we are putting into these dead relationships is so wasted.

I'm sure others will post great advice and how to rescue these awful relationships but I really don't feel they are worth the effort.

I wish you well, keep posting and let us know how things are going.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Esme

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You cannot go on like this and this situation long term is untenable. You've become a shadow of your own self and he is responsible for that. Ignoring him is really no option as he could well start on the children instead to get back at you some more.

Do you at heart not think you deserve better?.
Your children see all this and you cannot fully protect them from the suffering he inflicts on you.
Infact I think he gets a rise out of acting like this towards you, he enjoys hurting you in such a manner.

It sounds like you married a carbon copy or someone very similar in nature to your awful dad.

Have you considered legal separation from him?. It may be that you will be a lot happier as a result if you were to separate.

I reckon also he does not treat other people with the same contempt that he reserves solely for you. Is that so?. Abusers too can be very plausible to those in the outside world. You are his victim and he is the abuser. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you. You sound completely worn down and defeated, a state that he has brought you to over a period of years.

You need to consider what you are teaching your children about relationships here, they are learning damaging lessons from you both. Counselling won't solve this (as has been proven) no matter how many sessions you have. The ongoing abuse meted out means that no decent counsellor worth their salt would have counselled you together.

You have a choice re him at the end of the day, your children do not. If you were to stay with him you run the risk of them as adults wondering why the hell you never left him years earlier, they could well at that time accuse you of putting him before them. How would you feel then?.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Esme

You have written about your situation at some length before now. Nothing has really changed since last July has it?.

I think you learnt a lot of damaging lessons from your parents own awful marriage which you have simply carried forward into your own. You wrote back then that your mother was afraid of her H and now this pattern is continuing with your good self. You are afraid of him and he has worn you down and conditioned you so that you are now in a right old mess with seemingly no way out.

All his actions towards you are abusive. You are being profoundly affected by his abuse and by turn so are your children. You may not directly argue in front of them but they hear and see far more than you realise. They see how you are treated, all the unspoken tension that passes between you.

Do not let your marriage be their template for their adult relationships. You have a choice Esme re him, your children do not. And no they don't adore their dad either, children will love any parent even an alcoholic angry man. When they are old enough they will realise what sort of man he actually is and will wonder why the hell you never left him years earlier if you choose to stay with him. You do not want that for your children, you sincerely do not.

Esme you are in a hole but you do not have to grow flowers in it. Dig your way out, its not too late for you.

Womens Aid can and will help you. Be brave and call them. The first step to get out is the hardest one to take but you will have a happier life if you truly want it.

[Esme69]

Samels001 - Thanks for that. Sounds like you are very familiar with this problem. I hope it works out well for you, it is horrible to live like this.

Attila - Yes, you have posted advice to me before, and much appreciated. But I felt I had to give counselling one more chance, which I did in september/october time. All was good for a while,then it went pear shaped at Xmas, and I felt so down that I sought help from GP. I feel so much stronger now, (despite sounding worn down) and I want to do what is best for me and the kids.

The thing that makes me hesitate is I suppose, a hope that he would go back to being the man that I married. That man was kind, generous, fun to be with, and most of all, my friend. Now, he is snappy, negative, critical, confrontational and moody. But it is not JUST with me, it is also with his mum and dad, brothers, and a couple of his friends have been at the receiving end of it too. In fact my MIL and I often discuss how he has changed, it upsets her too, but I am the one who has to live with it 24/7.

if he had always been a shit, it would be an easier decision. If he was good once, couldnt he be good again?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Esme,

He is quite happy with the way things are, only you have tried to save this on more than one occasion through counselling sessions and tbh it is not worth saving now. Where's your own tipping point here?.

The man that you thought you married was a mirage, he has over the years shown his true abusive colours towards you and continues to do so I might add.

As for what is best for you and the children, well legally separating from him asap would be a good start. I never write that lightly but you will only do yourself and by turn your children more harm if you were to stay long term with such an inherently damaged individual.

You are not responsible for his problems and he is not taking any responsibility here for the state of his marriage. Youu've done all the legwork here; what does that tell you?. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, that simply does not work.

[BelleBelicious]

Esme

Sorry that things have gotten so bad, but it does sound as though your DH has really no love or respect left for you. I don't know if the original 'nice guy' was a mirage as Attila says, but I do think you've suffered enough waiting for him to make a return appearance.

I almost wonder if he wants you to end the relationship? Maybe he thinks leaving a wife and 5 kids will make him look like a 'bad guy', so you leaving him, despite him being such a great provider lets him off the hook?

[giveitago]

OP it sounds like he's view is 'this is me come along for the ride or piss off'. That is sad - if there's no common ground or his willingless to me you half way then you either accept this (or perhaps needs ads to see you through) or you decide what it is you need and go get it.

He appears to lack any empathy.

I feel bad for you as it seems you've done everything you can to keep it all together.