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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

OW

43 replies

Redheads · 04/03/2011 13:46

Has anyone ever been the OW?????

OP posts:

Report

robberbutton · 04/03/2011 13:48

Are you an OW? Buckle up...

lucykate · 04/03/2011 13:54

no. but an (ex) friend was. had an affair, he left his wife/kids, she left hers. they even moved in together. 6 months down the line, it's all over. the grass is not greener. it's full of dog shit

FaffTastic · 04/03/2011 13:59

How long was the affair going on for ebfore they left their partners and have hey both gone back to their ex-partners (or tried to)?

FaffTastic · 04/03/2011 14:00

Sorry, above post was to lucykate not OP

lucykate · 04/03/2011 14:03

i think it was 4 months-ish before they both left and they lived together for just over 6 months. he has gone back to his wife, although this is going on local hearsay. i doubt her husband would take her back.

onehotmomma · 04/03/2011 14:07

No I haven't and I can honestly say I will never be an OW. Why would you settle for being 2nd best? plus theres the chance of you breaking up a family and thats something I couldn't live with.

holdingittogether123 · 04/03/2011 14:08

I'm with Robber on this one! Please expand...

SarahBumBarer · 04/03/2011 14:08

Why do you ask? I know someone who was an OW. If there are some sensitive questions I would ask her.

It is about 5 years on from the ending of the affair and it still has a fairly detrimental impact on her life and as such is a topic which we often discuss. I know many on here will feel that is no less than she deserves which I understand completely (but am not going to pass that on to her).

ExitPursuedByABear · 04/03/2011 14:09

Do you all believe that true love lasts forever then? Are there not occasions where people have simply grown apart?

Redheads · 04/03/2011 14:21

No I don't think true love last's foever ... people do grow apart. My H left me but we are still very good friends.

OP posts:

MissyMimi · 04/03/2011 14:21

My mother has been the OW for over 10 years.

I was seeing someone recently and found out that he actually had a long term partner which I obviously didn't know about. I ended it but for a while I guess you could say I was unknowingly the OW.

Aislingorla · 04/03/2011 15:08

I can understand someone unwittingly becoming an ow but not someone knowing full well that a bloke is married with kids and going for it!
What makes someone do that, naivety, stupidity or worse?

FaffTastic · 04/03/2011 15:13

Two family members have been the OW - one ended up having a nervous breakdown as a result and the other ended up not far off one and is still not the same person more than 8 years later. I'm not justifying the behaviour but they are not bad people. A whole raft of complex reasons led to them ending up as the OW. Of course, there are the women who actively seek attached men and/or look for no-strings attached extramartial sex with not a thought for anyone elses feelings, but there are also the women who find themselves in an awful sitution with devasting results that they did'nt actually plan to end up in.

Redheads · 04/03/2011 15:16

Not saying it's right but somtimes you can't help who you fall in love with...If you fall in love with someone who say's they are single Is that stupid?

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 04/03/2011 15:18

The one I knew asked her M.M to leave his family for her after about 6/8 weeks of the affair becoming physical. Had been friends ( I suppose emotionally involved)for about 6 months before that. i suppose she was naive and thought they were destined for each other!

Aislingorla · 04/03/2011 15:20

It is entirely different if you didn't know he was attached before becoming involved! To go for it knowingly is really not right!

robberbutton · 04/03/2011 15:28

No Redheads, but what do you do then? He is betraying his wife/family, he has started your relationship by lying to you.

This isn't love. run for the hills.

nowolderandwiser · 04/03/2011 15:29

I have namechanged for this thread for obvious reasons.

I was an OW for three and a half years. He was in an open marriage in which his wife also had a long term lover. It all seemed very clever and cosmopolitan and libertarian at the time. He told (or intimated to) me at times throughout the relationship that he was going to leave her for me. I left my husband for him. Of course he never left his wife. Still has not (and he has a new OW now).

The whole thing literally nearly killed me. However, now, a few years down the line, I know that leaving my then-husband (abusive and substance misuser) was the best thing I ever did, and I fear I might never have had the courage without the affair to spur me on.

I am now in a new marriage with a baby son. Very very happy. I would never in my life cheat on my current DH and I would never be an OW again. I belive the whole thing was so profoundly wrong.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/03/2011 15:39

Why are you asking this question Redheads?

I disagree about not being able to help who you fall in love with, because generally for adults, they take lots of steps before they actually fall in love, all of which are active choices. And lots of OW pretend they don't know a person is attached and willfully ignore all the many signs that were there. However, once it becomes clear that the man was lying all along, there's only one course of action left isn't there? That is, not to have a relationship with a person who is lying to everyone in his life.

BelleBelicious · 04/03/2011 15:48

A friend of mine is an OW and her DP has just started divorce proceedings after about 4 years.

I think it's very unusual for this to happen - and mostly if you are an OW for more than a couple of months, that's exactly how it's going to stay (unless the wife finds out and throws him out).

My friend is happy, but I'm very uneasy. I think if he could lie to his wife and family for so long, then he must have some deep flaws in his personality. She sees him as a victim of circumstance.

BelleBelicious · 04/03/2011 15:48

Also...why you asking?

Redheads · 04/03/2011 15:55

What i'm saying is only those in these circumstances Know what it is all about... I have never been OW but would like to know how it comes about... Why do we fall for those we should not? Why do people lie? are they unhappy is it just fun.I have in the past fallen for someone I should not have( but stayed away) I just fell,it happend so yes somtimes you can't help who you fall in love with but how you act on it is a different story.

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SarahBumBarer · 04/03/2011 15:57

When I said "fairly detrimental" effect I meant what Fafftastic said - nervous breakdown territory. I hope you are not contemplating this Redheads - for your own sake. If you have just become aware that you are involved with someone who is attached - get out and get out now. If his relationship really is as crap and lacking as he is no doubt telling you, he will get out of it for the right reasons without pinning all his neediness on you and you will have a chance of an equal relationship (either with him in time or with someone else) which is something the OW never gets. My friend still goes into new relationships in a needy manner because the damage to her self esteem that being the OW caused (or at least worsened).

Bellle: "she sees him as a victim of circumstance" Don't they all? It really is sad just how well trodden and cliched the path is. I think the "statistics" are that around 50% do leave their wives (or get kicked out presumably) but if they are going to do so they (to a very large extent) do so in the first 6 months.

SarahBumBarer · 04/03/2011 15:57

x-post

Redheads · 04/03/2011 15:58

I'm asking because I have been dumped to and I'm curious to know why OW does it.

OP posts:

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