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My husband become violent 3 months after I gave birth to our son

(53 Posts)
NinaWi Sun 20-Feb-11 01:09:45

Hi Mums,
I gave birth to my first (and only) child at the age of 35. At that time my husband was 42 years old. This is first marriage and first child for both of us. We have been married for 2 years before we both decided that we would like to have a baby. When I was 4 months pregnant we both decided to share this wonderful news with my mother in law. I was hoping that the news about my pregnancy will cheer her up but she become visibly upset as soon as we told her about it. In fact my husband seemed to be frightened to tell her that I am pregnant and at the end of the evening I had to break the ice. Since that day my husband started ignoring me and criticizing the way I looked and become verbally abusive towards me and when I was 37 weeks pregnant his mother did the same telling me that my stomach is enormous and that I look obese and that my ?enormous? appetite will harm the baby. I gave birth to my son 5 months ago and I can tell you that I am 5.6 feet tall and I am wearing dress size 12 at the moment.
After I brought our baby son from the hospital my mother in law started coming to our house on daily base and she would always bring her dog with her who was visibly jealous of the baby. I was tolerating everything until one day dog has actually attacked my baby and almost beaten his head. I have asked my mother in law to live her dog at home but she replied that the dog means everything to her and that she will never again come to my house if her dog is not allowed in. And this is where my drama started. She complained to my husband and he couldn?t cope to see his mother upset. Then she phoned my GP to say that I must be suffering from PND and although I didn?t feel depressed I whent for the appointment and was reassured that everything is OK with my mental health. Mother in law wasn?t happy with this and she insisted that my husband make another appointment with another GP to check me for PND. After attending second appointment together with my husband we were told that I am not depressed and that we have relationship problems and need to go for counselling. We had 2 sessions with marriage counsellor before my husband was told that his attachment to his mother is ?too intense? and that he need to book separate appointment for himself. This was very upsetting for him and he decided to stop going for counselling all together.
His mother continued steering up and telling him that i am ?out of control? and after 3 months of constant arguments my husband become violent towards me in front of our baby and he was arrested by police. His solicitor managed to get him out and he only received verbal warning. I was bruised all over my body and couldn?t understand how he was let out unpunished. I applied for divorce soon after this happend but as soon as he was served with divorce letter he become even more violent and he was arrested for the second time. This time he was realised only with written warning.
I was very much frightened for my and my baby?s safety so I had applied for Non Molestation and Occupation Order. The Emergency Injunction was granted for a period of 1 month and next week we will have second hearing when my husband will be given chance to defend himself or the order will be extended . Although I have reported violence to the Police on 2 occasions and I also have pictures of the injures that I have suffered i am still very much worried if I will be able to convince the Judge that my husband is a dangerous man. He is a wealthy man and can afford the best solicitor and probably pay for the witnesses if necessary.
Does anyone have good advice how prove Domestic Violence ? I had enjoyed 2 wonderful years of our marriage and was able to establish satisfactory relationship with my mother in law.
I would like to understand why did it all change when I got pregnant?
Sorry for making you read such a long story...

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy Sun 20-Feb-11 01:15:00

Contact Women's Aid, phone number is 0808 2000 247. They should be able to help and advise you.

KickArseQueen Sun 20-Feb-11 01:19:42

I second the recommendation, You need to ring womens aid.

Where are you btw? What country?

Hope you are ok...

NinaWi Sun 20-Feb-11 03:25:32

tank you kickarsequeen. i am in london

mathanxiety Sun 20-Feb-11 06:36:31

Women's Aid, and you need to have a solicitor I think. You did the right thing by calling the police and getting the Non-molestation order, the absolute right thing. He has now had the police around twice in a short timeframe and you also have the GP who said he is far too attached to his mother (dead right) to back you up, plus whatever counsellor he went to and then stopped. You have two doctors who said you were fine and one who said he is not.

You have the police reports and the pictures of your injuries and you have your own word too. No matter how much he can pay his solicitor, you have a right to speak about this and tell the truth to the court.

You can go to the court and ask for a McKenzie Friend to talk with about your situation and the hearing and what you can do.

Can you talk to anyone else about all of this? Do you have any family or friends you could go to with your baby? Can they help you find a good solicitor? If not, WA may be able to help, and there is also Refuge

Meggles76 Sun 20-Feb-11 07:29:51

Yes, Womens Aid and your own Solicitor. You could also try the Police Domestic Violence Liaison Officer (call your local Police number)

It sounds to me like you have good evidence for the non molestation order to be extended. Your partner has been violent on more than one occasion, you have evidence that the Police have interevned and you have evidence of your injuries. Your partner has also failed to engage in the counselling that he needs.

In the middle of all of this is a baby. It is also about protecting that child.

Please remember that DV is never acceptable and it is not your fault.

feedbackforfree Sun 20-Feb-11 09:07:06

I think your pregnancy and his witnessing of the developing relationship between you and your child has triggered something very worrying off in both MIL and your estranged husband. He wouldn't be the first husband to have his strings pulled by his mother but the degree to which this is true is extremely worrying and you must continue to protect yourself and your child at all costs. What is sinister in this is the fact that the dog attacked your baby and your MIL did not see this as a safety issue, instead trying to convince you and your husband that you have a mental health problem. I can tell that you long for the security/happiness of your first two years of marriage but you know in your heart that there is no going back and I think when you are in a better position, you may look back and realise that not all was well during that time. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things and I sincerely wish you peace and hapiness for the future.

Galdem Sun 20-Feb-11 09:11:13

Please, please contact Womens Aid and get some support to get out of this situation. It sounds horrible. I worry for you and your child.

Rhadegunde Sun 20-Feb-11 09:15:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowcake Sun 20-Feb-11 11:59:03

Sorry to hear you have been harmed and hounded down. As others have given you the advice re solicitor etc I would also suggest you chose a Mumsnet pseudonym without your real name in it to make sure your identity is kept hidden.

Has a doctor seen and commented on your injuries? Do you have family you can stay with? Your ex sounds deranged and dangerous, so does his shit-stirring harpy of a mother.

Really hope for you that the hearing will go your way. Also for the sake of your son. Please contact Woman's Aid and Refuge before that hearing. Also: have you contacted CAB and asked what need to consider (benefits, eligible for help) in your new situation?

NinaWi Sun 20-Feb-11 17:29:28

Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions. I will let you know what has Judge decided on Tuesday.

mathanxiety Sun 20-Feb-11 18:25:57

It is very likely that this warped relationship with his mummy has gone on far too long if he was 40 when you married and 42 when the baby was born, for him or the mother (from hell) to change their ways; I agree 100% with Feedbackforfree's comments here.

There is something really pathological about both of them and please do not fall into the trap of wishful thinking about the first two years. They have shown their colours now.

I really think the police DV liaison in your local station would be a good place to go and have a chat -- mention the dog incident there too. See if you can do this on Monday. They may be able to give you some good advice. But focus on the here and now.

Bring your photos to the court and any record you have of the dog incident, the GP visits arranged by your MIL, the counseling recommended to your H that he stopped going to/ refused to engage with (this will show he does not take the assault seriously, feels he has no problem and is still therefore a danger to you). Emphasise that there is a vulnerable baby here. The court will take the baby's safety very seriously.

TheSleepFairy Sun 20-Feb-11 18:43:20

You need to change your nickname, nothing to do with your real name/family incase someone tried to trace you online.

You should have all your personal documents togeather in one envelope, driving license, passport, bank details, mortgage etc & make sure your baby bag is well stocked incase you have to get away quickly.

HateThePILs Sun 20-Feb-11 18:50:01

Can I ask if you're both white British? Only there are also specific charities for women of colour that can help too. Women's aid are brilliant but if you are Muslim, Afro Caribbean you may find other local charities too.

HateThePILs Sun 20-Feb-11 18:50:52

I would insist upon an order against the GM as well as the husband.

mathanxiety Sun 20-Feb-11 19:40:42

Yes, I think so too, about the order against the MIL and also about getting all your necessary documents together in case (slim chance I think) of the Order not being continued.

The MIL endangered your baby and insisted on putting the baby at risk even afterwards. And you should be prepared to leave if the order is ended. Talk to your friends or family if they are near and ask them to take you in.

But go to WA too, or Refuge or any other organisations HERE ARE SOME ORGANISATIONS AND NUMBERS When you phone you may get a busy signal. Keep trying, and leave messages everywhere you phone.

TheSleepFairy Sun 20-Feb-11 20:41:12

Bumping for you.

NinaWi Mon 21-Feb-11 10:14:25

He is white British and I am from Western Europe (also white).

NinaWi Mon 21-Feb-11 10:19:26

Don't worry, this is not my real name.

TheSleepFairy Mon 21-Feb-11 21:29:27

Good luck for Tuesday. Do let us know how it all goes.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Feb-11 06:26:35

Hoping it will go well.

snowcake Tue 22-Feb-11 06:58:54

Dear Nina, glad it's not your real name smile

I would second a getaway bag and assembled docs. Praying for you and your baby that the hearing today will go well. Good luck! x

TheyKnowEsperanto Tue 22-Feb-11 07:08:46

Have only just read your thread Nina and wanted to wish you good luck for today. It sounds as if you have plenty of evidence and have been doing the right things in terms of protecting yourself and your baby. Am amazed at the strength you have shown at such a vulnerable time in any woman's life (having a new baby). Hope you have a good support network in RL (friends, any family nearby or in close communication?). Please let us know how you go, MN is a really good place for support.

blackeyedsusan Tue 22-Feb-11 08:33:15

Good luck for today.

mathanxiety Wed 23-Feb-11 16:27:18

Wondering how you are, how things went, and hope you are safe today. xx

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