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Husband cheating with prostitutes

(81 Posts)
dazedandconfused71 Sat 19-Feb-11 12:03:52

I've had the worst night ever, my world has been turned upside down.

I needed to change the parental controls on my DC's email account. Logged into the master account which I haven't done for several years. Noticed husband has set up a second account for himself. I googled the name he was using and found him on a BDSM site arranging to meet women and couples. At our apartment in another city that he uses for business.

I found his phone and can see that he's been logging onto escort agency websites. I then googled every phone number he has dialled and found one for a prostitute in our city. The days he phoned were when I took our children away to an amusement park for a weekend with my sister and family, the other day when he said he was going to a gig.

I confronted him about the escorts and he admitted everything. I think. He said that he has been going through a bad time the last couple of years (work could be going better but wtf?) and that he has been using the for around 2 1/2 years. He says he doesn't have sex just hand jobs, BJ. He said it was all over now and that he had decided this himself, it's a new years resolution apparently.

I asked him several times if there was anything else he wanted to tell me he said no each time. I then told him that I knew about his other email and the websites he's been on and that he was on them all through Jan and Feb, so not much of a resolution. He said it was all fantasy and he'd never meet anyone on there.

We've been up all night. I can't look at him, I'm distraught. I thought things were good. I want him to leave but he's says he's going to stay to prove to me it's all over and that he's always loved me. He's says leaving wouldn't help anyone.

He's always known my feelings on infidelity. It's over. But he's trying to put a positive spin on it, best thing that could happen, it'll make us stronger...

I don't think we can recover from this. How can I let him touch me again knowing where he's been?

We've been together 11 years, married since 2003, we have 2 young children. Sorry it's a long post, just needed to "talk" it out.

yogididabooboo Sat 19-Feb-11 12:08:16

The fact that he is on a BDSM site is the key for me.

IS this something he has explored with you?

I think most married men who use prostitutes do it for something they don't feel able to at home. iywsim.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but may make it more palatable for you.

lospolloshermanos Sat 19-Feb-11 12:08:40

im sorry for your sit. op

I think hes being flippant on how devastating his behaviour has been

and get yourself checked! he could well be lying.

Xales Sat 19-Feb-11 12:10:40

Yuck! How vile. I can't blame you for how you feel, I don't think I could let him near me again either. How many women have sucked his dick or stroked it over the last 2.5 years? Just vile.

Do you believe he hasn't had sex?

I would be tempted to get myself off to an STI clinic if I were you.

No other wise talk from me, just do what you want, look after yourself and your children. What he wants is unimportant now.

Hugs

peeriebear Sat 19-Feb-11 12:11:39

So he is just overriding your feelings and forcing you to accept he is staying? No way. If you want him to go, he goes. If you say it's over, it's over. He has no right to call the shots at all.

PeterAndreForPM Sat 19-Feb-11 12:12:21

I agree with you

your marriage is over

I am very sorry x

Nohing more to be said, nothing more to be done

extricate yourself as simply and painlessly as you can, and try to keep it as amicable as possible for the dc

you don't owe him anything more than that though

that NY "resolution" means fuck-all

EmmaBGoode Sat 19-Feb-11 12:13:39

Oh yuck. I could not get over this, I would have to divorce him. Sorry.

youtalkingtome Sat 19-Feb-11 12:13:58

Omg the sense of entitlement that he's going to stay with or without your agreement to prove it's finished. How exactly will that atone for the original betrayal?

The other thing that leaps out is the lying until he knew you knew about the websites, and only then admitting as much as you seemed to know already.

Very likely that there are many more lies here, but how can you ever know? You certainly can't trust him to come clean as he didn't when he had the chance.

Can you leave for a bit?

youtalkingtome Sat 19-Feb-11 12:14:27

Agree with STI clinic too.

dazedandconfused71 Sat 19-Feb-11 12:15:20

Yes Yogi we have explored BDSM and most things but it has always been fun and loving not the kind of activities he's talking about on there. His posts on the site show he's very comfortable with all the terminology and claims to meet mistresses several times a year. He denied this last night but I do remember him being really bruised once and he just gave some lame excuse.

Yes lospollo, I don't trust a word he says. I will get checked.

dazedandconfused71 Sat 19-Feb-11 12:21:28

Thanks everyone. Yes I agree it's over. He's just trying to confuse me. It's going to be messy and scary but I want him out today.

PeterAndreForPM Sat 19-Feb-11 12:22:27

Yes, get rid of this low-life.

You deserve better than that.

ZZZenAgain Sat 19-Feb-11 12:22:58

I am sorry, how horrible for you. I think if he will not leave, you must leave.

Some people might be willin g to work through it and might manage to get the marriage and their feelings back in a positive frame but I don't think I could really. Still it only mattrs what you can cope with. I am fairly sure there will have been more than he says but it doesn't really matter since what he admits to is already too much for you to cope with.

I agree with others, there is something very unattractive in his sweeping under the carpet all your worries about this and refusing to leave. It is as if your feelings don't count for anything at all.

Hope you find a way forward.

yogididabooboo Sat 19-Feb-11 12:39:04

If, ever after confrontation he is unable to be honest with you then yes it is time to call it a day i fear.

It is very common for men who have what they feel are quite specialised tendancies to seek someon other than a loving partner to participate with them.

Although you may have tried BDSM if his fetish was for the more severe, it may be that he didn't want to offend you by divulging that. A lot of people find the pleasure in pain very difficult to comprehend.

That said, you have a right to honesty. If he is unable to do that then you will never be able to trust him again.

Im sorry you are having to go through this.

atswimtwolengths Sat 19-Feb-11 12:44:29

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think it is the end of the road for you. It's been going on too long for it to be forgiven.

Don't be surprised if little things fall into place now - you have already remembered the bruising, there may well be other things that you recall.

Is it possible for him to stay in the other flat?

Personally, I would call a lawyer and let them deal with it all now. I'm so sorry for you and your children.

cosmicdancer Sat 19-Feb-11 12:45:12

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. The same thing happened to me a few years ago so I know what you're going through. My exH and I tried to make things work (on a platonic level) for the sake of our daughter but I found I just couldn't live with someone who had so little regard for women and we are now divorced. Please feel free to message me as I remember feeling very isolated at the time due to his behaviour.

PeterAndreForPM Sat 19-Feb-11 12:49:02

Yes, very isolating. OP, I hope you have someone in RL that you can talk to. Don't be ashamed of what he has done...that is his problem.

LisaD1 Sat 19-Feb-11 13:08:31

Been where you are now, left the day I found out, he had also run up over £100k in debt.

Have never looked back, would suggest you do the same.

Also get yourself checked out, I did, was all clear, thank god.

Good luck x

ENormaSnob Sat 19-Feb-11 13:14:25

Get to the gum clinic.

Seek rl support.

Divorce the fucker.

Malificence Sat 19-Feb-11 13:23:01

He's a weak, inadequate man, I wouldn't want to stay married to him either.
He's obviously deeply psychologically flawed and loves the secrecy and the danger far more than he loves his family - how much family money has he stolen for his obsession?

emmyloopsyloo Sat 19-Feb-11 13:27:05

Wow he is still trying to control the situation then by telling you he is going to stay as it's what is best.

What about what you want now, this man is a selfish dick. It's all about him. Divorce him.

Oh and do tell everyone why, a man like him will stay with you to hold up the family facade, he won't want people to know his dirty secret, that's all. How horrible for you.

keeplaughing Sat 19-Feb-11 13:40:22

Hi dazedand confused, I am in a similar situation, tho not BDSM. He thought I didn't know and is pretending its just an affair not someone he picked up on internet. We are in process of Divorce but he is refusing to leave the house. And legally can do this, be very careful how you approach this as he sounds to be like my DH very weak and selfish, putting his own needs first and above you and the children. You are in shock, have you anyone close enought to talk to?

dazedandconfused71 Sat 19-Feb-11 14:33:18

Thank you everyone for your messages, I'm overwhelmed.

He's gone now, for tonight anyway. He just doesn't get it, he still thinks we can stay together, he says it was a mistake I should forget it and judge him from now on only. He says he has a plan for how we can get over it. He's going to call later.

He's taking the children to stay at his parents for the weekend, it was arranged before any of this. I'm going to bed to hopefully catch up on some sleep.

I do have friends I can talk to but I don't feel like talking at the moment.

Thanks again, I'll keep you updated.

ps thanks cosmicdancer, I might take you up on your offer x

MadameOvary Sat 19-Feb-11 14:44:45

My ex was into BDSM. I was willing to explore it up to a point but it wasn't "me". I didnt like hurting him and seeing marks I had made was very uncomfortable.
I've spoken to him since and he said that he has been "further down the rabbit hole" which doesn't sound good. One of the most off-putting aspects seemed to be his complete lack of boundaries, something which you might want to consider wrt this man. He doesn't seem to care about your distress and I think you are doing the right thing in wanting him out of your life.

PeterAndreForPM Sat 19-Feb-11 14:50:16

Judge him "from now on" ?

And pretend none of this happened at all ?

he is delusional

If you go along with this, you would be very, very foolish

I wouldn't give him the time of day, tbh

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