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Complex mess - Dh walked - again - me disabled with 2 kids in house like a squat!

(141 Posts)
imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 20:57:01

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MummieHunnie Fri 18-Feb-11 21:02:46

I did not read all of your post, as it is so close to home regarding the disability and being left.

I am awaiting still a ot to come out and assess my needs for a stair lift, the council helps with that type of thing (modifications to the home), I got an assessment from disabled adults social services when exh left, I should have had another since really.

You need to speak to a solicitor.

I will look back in on this thread later.

cjel Fri 18-Feb-11 21:14:16

i don't know what you can do but think you must get professional advice. you are so strong you can make wonderful life for your family without him. if children notice hes not nice to you its time for a change. look after yourself and do everything you can to move it will be so worth it.

imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 21:32:47

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CarGirl Fri 18-Feb-11 21:36:20

I think you would be better off leaving him in every way. Speak to womans aid, you should eventually be rehomed somewhere suitable.

Is there any equity in the house?

honeyandlemon Fri 18-Feb-11 21:39:05

Please don't be scared. I think - although its easy to say - that you shouldn't stay if you are truly unhappy, and you do seem very unhappy. you don't need to live like this, you have already lived on your own with the children so you know you can cope well. Divorce isn't easy, it is manageable. I think from your posts you know that - its the practicalities which are always difficult to resolve. anywhere you can stay in the meantime - family??

imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 21:44:46

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drosophila Fri 18-Feb-11 21:48:03

Have you tried Citizens Advice

imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 21:49:43

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imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 21:53:35

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NanaNina Fri 18-Feb-11 21:55:10

Imogen - I'm so so sorry for you having to go through all this and I think it wasn't very wise to go back. You say that the money ran out on the nice flat (could you have applied for housing benefit) Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to. Your present situation sounds untenable - how on earth can you put up with this man when you have so many health problems.

Looking at your last post, it can't be your fault even though I don't know you - if you were "nicer" I can't see how it would make a difference. You are right he wants to control and has a terrible temper and whether that is because he has to help you or not, doesn't really matter. He would probably still be controlling and going ballistic if you were in the best of health.

Do you know what the saddest part of your original post was, the thing about your son saying "can you get unmarried" and "finding a nice new dad" - this situation will affect your children now and in the future. They will be emotionally damaged and it just isn't fair to put them through this.

I doubt he has left you - I'm sure he'll be back to control you all again and go balistic when he feels like it. OK he has his problems, probably stemming from his childhood, but you can't change that. He doesn't sound like he is depressed to me to be honest - it sounds like he has a personality disorder (for which there is no treatment)

You need to get away from this awful house and into a flat where you can manage and you and the children can be safe and happy. I think your first port of call should be CAB who can advise you about your welfare benefits, and Shelter are also very good about giving free advice. Their phone nos will be in the phone book. Can you afford to see a solicitor, though sometimes they have legal people at CAB but not all od them do.

The quickest way to get away is by contacting Womens Aid, who will help you and your children get away, and from there on you can start to sort out the rest of your life without this man.

I'm not surprised you are scared - is there anyone in RL who you can turn to - if not phone WOMEN'S AID tommorow - their number will be on the web site, or many MNs know the number and will post it.

Sending you warm wishes and hoping that there are brighter times ahead for you.

bibbitybobbityhat Fri 18-Feb-11 21:56:47

Surely if you divorce him you will be able to force the sale of the house eventually?

jonicomelately Fri 18-Feb-11 21:58:41

Sounds like you are in a bad situation. How exactly you change your life in order to improve it for you and your children is up to you. But change it you must.

CarGirl Fri 18-Feb-11 21:59:12

You can get help with renting if you are divorcing him and you can't stay in the house with him because he is being emotionally abusive towards you and it is unsuitable for you needs. You def need some decent legal advice.

SIL got help with renting despite having a marital home because of the impact it was having on her (he was a controlling arse - nothing physical).

Can you borrow any money to find a reasonable priced rental property that is suitable for your disability needs? If so I would arrange to rent one and in the meantime file for divorce - he can be forced to sell the property.

Def go and see CAB and ring womans aid it certainly sounds an abusive relationalship to me.

imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 22:01:44

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imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 22:07:05

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CarGirl Fri 18-Feb-11 22:09:34

Honestly. You haven't shared a room in 4 years - this isn't a "marriage" of mutual love and respect.

Were you happier on your own in the flat?

How did you feel about having to go back?

Your dc want you to split?

I'm not sure how much more clear this could be?

CarGirl Fri 18-Feb-11 22:11:50

Seriously start divorce proceedings. Ring Womans Aid tomorrow they will be able to help you.

MadAboutQuavers Fri 18-Feb-11 22:13:46

He is a child

Your poor kids

Good job they have you, OP

Don't let their father damage them any further

You all deserve better!

imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 22:18:05

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StuffingGoldBrass Fri 18-Feb-11 22:19:05

Definitely talk to women's aid. As a mother with mobility issues escaping an abusive man (yes, he's abusive) you will be a high priority for LA help. There is no point trying to mend the relationship with this man who sees you and the DC as his verbal punchbags and objects to play with.

imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 22:24:02

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CarGirl Fri 18-Feb-11 22:24:26

Absolutely definately I would speak to WA and go into the refuge if it means escaping a house that is completely unsuitable for your needs. File for divorce and he will either have to buy you out or sell.

How much equity is in the property?

He sounds very abusive - he is grooming your dd to be the favourite, to be dependent on him. He can carry on being the nice Daddy by having them for contact a couple of times per week hmm

CarGirl Fri 18-Feb-11 22:26:48

Okay so you moaned at him - but you say he went "beserk" - completely over the top. Then he disappeared - this is NOT a normal way to behave.

imogengladheart Fri 18-Feb-11 22:31:54

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