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(860 Posts)
solost Thu 10-Feb-11 21:56:10

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

StarExpat Thu 10-Feb-11 22:02:37

Well done, solost grin
will copy /paste my previous reply here re your H's comments today:

He's giving a bit of bait to keep you lingering and in hope that he may someday return, so that you won't move forward with your life without him.

Rather pompous to leave it at that so obviously trying to make you hold your breath. Well done ignoring. Keep that up! x

solost Thu 10-Feb-11 22:05:06

STAREXPAT: It was sooooo hard though - am really dying to know confused.

I think the London trip really threw a spanner in the works re: their relationship. H told me ages ago that BB had told him that if he actually went on the trip she would hold it against him forever. And during the time we were together for the concert she rang/texted him continuously - I just played it cool and said 'it must be important if she keeps ringing/texting - you must go call her and see if she's OK!'.

MummieHunnie Thu 10-Feb-11 22:14:25

Solost, oh dear, it is so hard to be in that situation of having your ex leave for ow, and to have your lives so entangled. It is hard as you are entangled maritally, as you are not divorced, entangled financially as you are not divorced, and entangled family wise as you have children with your ex--estranged--h. You do know that long term this situation is very unhealthy, you need to try and find other things to have in your life, and it is hard when it is your family/finances/home etc.

I think you handled the situation with the texting well, I don't think he is going to give he up, I don't know if you still want that or not, I still think he is loving this being in the middle and playing you off against one another, she will be saying the same about you to him about you, when they are together.

thumbdabwitch Thu 10-Feb-11 22:28:50

Solost- of COURSE you're dying to know - it's only natural! I clung to every drip of bad news about my ex and the OW for years, even after I'd moved on - anything to prove that he wasn't living the life of Riley now, and that he would have some regrets about what he'd thrown away. It's looking for some kind of retribution, even if you want nothing more to do with them, there is an element of wanting to know they're suffering.

That passes as well, but takes longer, IME.

BUT! At the moment, it's too early for you to be feeling just that - it's almost certainly re-ignited a little spark of hope that he might be realising what a colossal error he made and thinking about coming back - EVEN IF HE DOES, it may only because it hasn't worked out with BB, not because he chose you. Do remember that, and remember that you only ever have his word for how arguments start and finish - she might have thrown him out! So, as starexpat says, he's throwing you a line to see if you bite. Please ignore it.

If he Really wanted to come back to you - he would leave her voluntarily AND find a flat to stay in, not a hotel. Hotel = temporary with a view to returning to someone's house very soon, either hers or yours. He's too sure of himself, even still. IF he really wanted to patch things up with you, he would stay in that flat for several months and start to "woo" you again. But he needs to work that out for himself - he really does just think that he can walk back any time, and is hoping to keep you on the hook.

Well done on the link, by the way - see, LMHF was right, you CAN do it! grin

solost Thu 10-Feb-11 22:48:00


THUMBDABWITCH: You are right of course, I suppose I am clinging to every spark of hope. I never mentioned that last week during our walk to the O2 he said he wished that he had never started the affair, didnt know why he had and that he wished BB didnt love him. But those are just words arnt they? We were also discussing childcare arrangements for half term earlier this evening and he said 'I'll probably be in a bedsit somewhere by then'. Again, was dying to ask but just acted as if he was making a joke - don't think he was btw.

Am sure there's definatly something going on/wrong - he's also apologised for his shitty behaviour with the DC's and said he can't believe some of the things he did when he first left - said that from August to Xmas just seemed to be a blur (conveniently - in my opinion!). But he really seems to have got his act together re: the DC's now, and for them I am glad. For the first couple of months I was so scared he would let contact with them slip but then thanks mainly to you ladies I got tough with him and it seems to have worked!

lospollos Thu 10-Feb-11 22:52:46

I'm not familiar with your sit, but good for you

take care of yourself and DC's

thumbdabwitch Thu 10-Feb-11 23:05:55

Well it's always nice to have apologies for the shitty behaviour - but I hope you responded with some kind of disbelief that he could have changed so much. "a blur" - yes, how convenient, and good for you thinking that - shows how much you have moved forward.

I AM very glad he has got his act together where the DC are concerned - how is DD1 now? is she more open, has she talked more about it?

For the record, the probably biggest reason he has to stay away even if he wants to come back (which is by no means the case yet) is that YOU have to be certain you could have him back - it wouldn't be at all fair on the DC to let him come back for a while and then realise it's all gone to shit anyway and you don't actually want him there (or he decides he can't cope) and he leaves again. Way too hard for the DC to deal with.

Stay strong, make sure whatever you do is for you and the DC. Carry on with your plans, get the financial situation dealt with on paper - it needs to be done, whatever happens. If he tries to soft-soap you and suggest it doesn't need doing because things "might change for the better" in the near future, IGNORE HIS WEASEL-WORDS - he's just trying to get out of his obligations.

Remember as well that IF the BB is that desperate to hang on to him (which we don't at all know, btw), she may try all sorts of desperate tactics, including getting pregnant. It may help you to keep looking at the worst-case scenario rather than letting yourself hope even a tiny bit - that way it keeps you grounded and you are less likely to be shock when anything bad happens.

LittleMissHissyFit Thu 10-Feb-11 23:31:02


LittleMissHissyFit Thu 10-Feb-11 23:41:00

Hold your nerve Sole, remember all you learnt here.

It's all down to him, it's all his doing.

My Dad said a couple of years ago that he made the biggest mistake of his life leaving my mum. He married the OW 20 Years ago, left us 25 years ago, so words such as his could just be empty hollow words of contrition.

Actions not words, carry on with your plans, don't deviate.

Argh, the BLUR, how bloody convenient indeed... absolves him of much of it.

My 'H' Can't remember any of the abuse he's meted out over the years either.... hmm

I agree with Thumb, keep going and get the plans for half term sorted, get the finances in place properly and agreed officially.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Feb-11 23:50:28

I have a very uncomfortable litle worm of anxiety in my stomach...

LittleMissHissyFit Fri 11-Feb-11 00:07:12

<slips AF some worming Tablets>

Never underestimate Solo, she'll get through this.

He's winding up to some funk, but she can handle it.. Can't you Solo???

thumbdabwitch Fri 11-Feb-11 00:45:26

AF - me too - trying to cover the bases though... Solost will come through, she will.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 11-Feb-11 01:52:57

I'm not so sure...sad

Solost whenever I read your posts that feature any dialogue from your H, I find myself shouting "Wanker!" at the screen. Blur indeed..hmm and as for wishing that the OW didn't love him....words fail me. That didn't stop him shitting on you from a great height did it, when you loved him?

I'm ever curious about what your DCs really want from their relationship with their Dad. It still feels that his contact with them is all about him and his need to see them - and not what they want or need at all. I understand why part of the reason for you allowing him to come and go when he pleased was also about your need to see him Solost but I've never thought this unboundaried access was particularly good for the children, especially post-Christmas.

He is dangling a bait, that's for sure. Such a shame you couldn't say in reply that his regrets are too late and that there's no going back. Saying nothing has probably communicated hope to him and the realisation that returning to the homestead is still an option, should he decide to take it.

I don't want to be too harsh, because I know you still love him and there's no accounting for that, but I still can't see you telling him to get lost if he tries to come back, or insisting that he lives on his own if the relationship with the OW ends. And if it does end, you will never be told the truth about that, of this I am certain, especially if it is her doing the dumping.

robberbutton Fri 11-Feb-11 08:51:06

Hi Solost, I'm so sorry your H has done this to you. He is a complete *****, it probably is all going to shit with them as it was always going to, but instead of being a man, accepting responsibility and the consequences of his actions, he is using it as an excuse to mess with your head.

My H said exactly the same thing, everything before discovery is now 'hazy' and feels like a long time ago. He also said that on the evening they met, he wished OW had fancied the friend he was with and not him. Because HE didn't have any choice, any control, any part to play in what happened?!? hmm angry angry

I will never be able to tell you not to ever take him back, much as I think you shouldn't, because I'm still trying to work things out with my H after all the shitty things he did. But I would agree with everyone saying IF he does it will have to be after a very long period of penance, genuine remorse and complete honesty. It doesn't sound like he's capable of any of that.

I think my H thought that his main part in making this up to me was stopping the affair. He's beginning to realise that is the very least of it, and I still don't know whether he's up to it or not.

StarExpat Fri 11-Feb-11 09:18:53

No, I think he might say it was her who did the dumping in order to elicit sympathy.

Also... "I wish BB didn't love me".... ?????? hmm wtf is that if it isn't trying to displace blame. Come ON! he's the one who LEFT HIS FAMILY to be with her! he didn't have to do that. Regardless of whether or not she "loves" him... come on. Please.

StarExpat Fri 11-Feb-11 09:25:10

He's trying to make it out to be that he just fell into a bad situation. He'll be all "big" and admit to "full responsiblity" and hating himself...blah blah blah. But that line "I wish she didn't love me" is worthless.
Worthless! angry
YOU love/loved him... yet he still left you for someone else. How does he explain that, then? hmm

He's probably really kicking himself now. He should be!

waterrat Fri 11-Feb-11 09:25:18

Solost, I have lurked on your threads and been inspired by what wonderful advice you have got from everyone.

I only want to jump in now because your H has all along so reminded me of my dad - and now more than ever. My dad has spent 20 years dripping information to my mum about how bad his relationships are going - they are always about to break up/ the woman is always mad in some way. My mum for about ten years after he left was waiting/ expecting him to come made me so sad to watch this - and yes, I knew it, even thought I was young.

On the other side, I , as his child, know that he tells his partner that my mum is overemotional/ demanding/ won't let him get divorced (they are still not bloody divorced 20 years on!). I could see clearly, even at the age of 10 - that my dad had moved on and was just keeping my mum dangling because it suited him - gave him the comfort of knowing she still cared - and in some ways appeased his guilt.

It is one of the great sadnesses of my life that my mum put up with this nonsense for so long. I think your H might be doing it for the same reasons my dad has always done it - he think it keeps her 'happy' and is a trick to stop his own deep guilt at having left.

Your H seems to describe everything as though it is out of his control. He 'wishes she didn't love him' passive is that! s

Like your H my dad has never taken responsibility - women are always 'nagging' him or 'demanding' things of him - he plays them all off against each other.

I so wish my mum had pulled away right at the beginning - i've even said to her 'why do you listen to him talk negatively about his new partner, why do you find that appealing, its horrible'

anyway - I hope you can focus on him as a person and what his behaviour says about HIM - all this blaming of everyone around him for his own situation. Is that a man you can respect and love? Like the wise women on here, I think you should address your feelings about him BEFORE he tries to come back. So that you end this relationship for good yourself.

He might be like my dad and spend the next 20 years dangling little threads at you to stop you ever finally detaching.

LittleMissHissyFit Fri 11-Feb-11 09:34:34

To save face though, he can't be seen to bin his family, and THEN bin the BB... Then he's really f*cked it all up then hasn't he?

He is fishing alright, but this is a long way short of anywhere like the contrition and real cast iron actions required to be taken seriously/considered.

IMHO he has not done enough to have this kind of conversation and actually him saying these things are inappropriate, rude and hurtful.

Solo, you need to disengage again, you couldn't care less about living arrangements/property stuff, you have your solicitor sorted, you need to get the financial situation finalised, as it would be for a divorce, just to make sure there is nothing nasty to come and bite later.

If you do this, it'll send a clear message that you are serious and his dickish fishing about is not good enough.

LittleMissHissyFit Fri 11-Feb-11 09:35:05

Then overdose... grin

robberbutton Fri 11-Feb-11 09:49:30

Oh yes, meant to say, you MUST tell him you don't want to hear about how his and BB's relationship is going, as soon as he starts to talk about it, even though you're dying to know. Don't even just say nothing, please don't let him fill your head with more and more lies and tricks.

Thinking of you.

StarExpat Fri 11-Feb-11 09:53:00

Yes good idea. Just say "I'm not interested" and if he persists..."no, I'm really not interested" then change the subject.

fantus Fri 11-Feb-11 10:24:36

I have to agree solo. It really sounds like he has noticed the change in you, the lack of interest, the disengaging, the realisation that you can go it alone and it has sent him into a bit of a panic. It was so much better for him when he thought you were pining away for him at home and thinking he could waltz back in at any time. He is starting to realise he may have actually burned his bridges and is desperately trying to reel you back in - and I still can't believe he is trying to make you feel sorry for him! Words fail me - has he always been so self absorbed?

Keep strong - keep your distance and cut him dead everytime he mentions BB. You are STILL doing great you wonderful lady, don't fall for it xxx

ScaredOfCows Fri 11-Feb-11 11:11:52

Interesting post Waterrat.

I agree with what everyone else has already said. He is such a shit. If he loved you he would let you go, he would encourage you to get stronger, to look towards maybe another relationship. There was a thread on here this week from a woman who was hoping that her ex could find someone lovely to have in his life. She showed that she had genuine affection and consideration for his feeling, quite unlike your leech of an ex.

Of course you're interested in what's going on between them, that's just human nature. You're doing the right thing in not letting him see that, but maybe it is time to be more forceful about shutting him up?

As others ahve said, if he does want to come back to you, and you want him back, you have GOT to make him jump through hoops to prove himself. For your sake and your childrens sake.

cenicienta Fri 11-Feb-11 13:48:31

Solo, I may be in a minority here but I'm not totally against you getting back together with H.

HOWEVER, like I said in a previous post, it HAS to be on your terms, not his! At the moment it looks like everything is too easy for him.

I work in the area of international development, working with people in poor countries as they try to improve their situation. One thing that is well accepted in development circles is that no matter how poor people are, they will always value things more if they have had to work hard for them. Giving handouts doesn't work because 1) people don't value them and 2) people are denied the opportunity to grow and mature because there's no dignity in getting something for free.

I can't help seeing your relationship in similar terms. Even if H does want to come back he will never really value you unless he's had to sweat and suffer to win you back. And you'll never really value yourself unless you can see how much he's had to work to get you back.

Things not working out with BB IS NOT a good enough reason for him to come back!

So start putting up the barriers and see whether he really does fight for you or whether he just slithers away into the darkness when he encounters a bit of resistance. You might find in the process that your feelings change and you don't want him back, or you might force him to start dealing with some of the huge issues that led him to have an affair in the first place.

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