vaginal cones, small penis, large vagina...

[curlycarla]

you can probably guess what my question will be.

Basically my husband and I have a terrible sex life. Pretty much non existant. Cutting a very long story short. He's not interested in sex. I have tried EVERYTHING to try and address the problem, it has been a problem for last 10yrs and is the only area of our relationship which makes me very unhappy.

A few months ago, during one of our many rows/discussions on the subject, my husband broke down and finally admitted that a lot of the problem is that he is aware he has a small penis and it affects his confidence. I was very shocked by this...he's never mentioned that it bothers him before, in fact I thought that maybe he didn't realise it was small. After this admission, we've not spoken about it again nor had sex. I feel so sorry for him but also for me because how on earth do you solve that problem without making him feel so much worse about it.

Anyway, when I went for a recent smear test the doctor told me I had a 'loose vaginal wall' !! I asked what this meant and she said it was caused by childbirth, very common, if it's not causing me any problems don't worry about it. Now I was also shocked by this as I have had 2 c section so not actually given birth!! I have no problems with stress incontinence and thought things down there were pretty healthy.

Sooo....my question is - do vaginal cones help? Might the combination of a loose vaginal wall and a small penis be one of the reasons I never orgasm with husband? Do you think it would be worth getting some?

Where do you get them?
How long to get results?
Where do I get info on them, I don't really want to ask doctor about it...

Sorry for long post..I feel so guilty and disloyal even telling anonymous people my husbands problem.

Thanks

[CrawlingInMySkin]

here It is not just labor that harms pelvic floors, but the babies weight during pg and the hormones stretching the muscles.

I use these because of incontinence (which is really improving) as for how long results take well that depends on how bad the damage is and what cone and weight you are able to start on.

They do firm the wall up and it is easier to orgasm if you are tighter. They dont cost much are easy to do and only take 10-20 minutes a day it is worth a shot.

[RIZZ0]

More of a bump really than any real knowledge, but they seem an inexpensive way to improve pelvic floor which has got to help in the long run?

Your DH sounds depressed about this TBH. Keep talking about it as a shared problem I reckon, and try (again) to re-introduce some romance if you can.

[PlentyOfParsnips]

Try not to focus so much on penetrative sex. I have never had an orgasm through penetration in my life. If your DH learns how to satisfy you in other ways, he will be less focussed on size and so more relaxed.

[shabby7]

CurlyCarla - you can get them on the internet. Type in Kegel weights. I think you can actually buy them on amazon.

They do help, but I have never been the same since I had my two children.

Hope that helps

[CarGirl]

Yes the work but it's very rare that you get an orgasm through penetration anyway.

It tends to be more to do with the pubic bone to pubic bone angle rather thant the actual penetration. Personally I tend to only have a 2nd orgasm through the penetration but it's to do with the position of my pubic bone when I'm on top IYSWIM

[bubblewrapped]

I think most women orgasm through foreplay rather than during sex.. and he doesnt need a massive one to do that!

There are lots of different positions to try which will make up for a small penis. You on top for starters.

It must be awful for bloke if he is worrying about it though, but two kids would say that it definately does work!

I think you need to reassure him over and over that it really is not small, that you want him anyway even if thinks that, but that you dont agree with him.. whatever you do, dont tell him it is small!

[CarGirl]

Yes always through foreplay for me and it would probably be dh's preference if I reciprocated in the same way.

[maras2]

Foreplay rocks.Penetration o.k.Try doggie style (vag only for me)for good,comfortable,satisfying,small penis sex.Keep your legs closed tightly and enjoy.DH and I have tried most things over the past 40 years and occasionly have to use this due to him taking tablets for high blood pressure.I realy think that orgasms come from the mind as well as the genitals so try to get him to talk to you about his hangups.Not easy though is it ?

[softglowsandmaybes]

ah you know, sometimes my DP thinks he is playing a mouth organ in the albert hall = sorry bad analogy, had wine but sex doesnt have to be about penetration. However once penetration becaomes a barrier it buggers everything else up. I bet it isn't even that samll, my DPs cock is smaller than average but as he says, it makes me scream Its just about finding imaginative ways to orgasm (ive never cum through penetration alone - shhhh don't tell dp!).

Can you find other ways to massage his ego that are completely separate from his bits? make him feel good about himself - when a woman is made to feel sexy, i can pretty much garuntee its not because a man has complimented her on her pussy!

[curlycarla]

thanks everyone for your comments - it's a real problem for us.

My problem with orgasming is not just physical - as you have all said, women need more than that.

• I realise that most women orgasm from non penetrative sex but I ONLY ever orgasm when I'm on top - am well experienced sexually, have tried a lot of things, with lots of men and I honestly do only ever orgasm from penetration while on top
  

• i can make myself cum very easily using my fingers but have never cum with a man doing it (tmi? sorry)
  

• the impact of my husbands lack of sexual enthusiasm and interest has had a huge impact on me emotionally, as have the hundreds of rows and discussions we have had over the years. We are both now very self conscious about sex which is hardly condusive to orgasm for me is it?
  

However, I thought that maybe if I was a bit tighter, and could manage maybe one orgasm it might just cheer us both up and kick start things a bit.

I've NEVER told my husband he's small, have only ever told him that he turns me on, he's fit and sexy, great at oral, fancy him so much...all of which is true. When he told me he is ashamed of being small I told him that he always used to satisfy me and that I had no problem with his size (I do really but that's not what he needs to here and nothing he can do about it)

I'm going to give these kegal cones a go - no harm lost is there?

[CarGirl]

Sounds like a huge vicious circle.

I suppose you need him to talk to you about it a bit and for him to agree to start trying again?

BAck to basics and start with massage, kiss & cuddling and with anything more off the cards?

[blackletterday]

I can't see that they are going to do any good. Your vaginal wall is the least of your problems.

If you can't have sex without tension and oddness it's your relationship thats at fault not your bits.

You need to talk more, maybe even spend some time apart.

[curlycarla]

blackletterday - i think one of the problems that has led to the tension and oddness is that we have talked too much...i mean absolutely anaylsed and pulled apart every tiny aspect of our sex life over and over and over again in various attempts over the years to try and sort it out and find a solution.
This is the first time we've stopped talking about it because I literally felt heartbroken for him knowing that all this time the route of it all has been his small penis which neither of us can do anything to change :(
How can we talk about it without me acknowledging that it is, indeed, small?

[CarGirl]

Dh made some comment about me (I asked!) after having delivered a 10lb 6oz baby.

Fortunately long term it hasn't mattered but it could have become a huge issue and yes I wish the affects of childbirth hadn't done what they did down there!

[isitmidnightalready]

Curlycarla - if you can play a few games here - you have a winning card. You have just found out that it was not him it was you all along!! Bliss. He is off the hook. New informastion has come to light. And the great thing is that you can do something about it. You can gradually use the cones and maybe in reality (or at least you can pretend) that you are now getting more satisfied by him.

It's also in his mind, and so some positive info may help here. This may be terribly deceitful, but it might just work. The cones may also work in real life and an Oscar may not be required to pull this off.

And what is wrong with being on top or tight spoons? Not everyone likes missionary.

[Unwind]

I can't see any relevance to the size of his knob, or any need to acknowledge that. It is clearly functional.

Get sex therapy, if you feel the need to talk about it.

[CarGirl]

The cones do make a difference and you can practice your pelvic floor whilst on top!

[ItsGraceAgain]

Actually I think you've done that perfectly fine here. Having a smallish erection could be neither here nor there, but in combination with a looseish vagina might lead to lack of essential contact. So tell him that. Tell him what the doc said, and that you've found these exercise thingies to work on the pelvic floor issue. That should put you back to where you were pre DCs.

Once you've broken down this barrier, it might not be a bad idea to tell him about your very choosy orgasms, too. He may have noticed and, even, have a similar or correlated issue himself. There's a massive difference between talking all the way around a problem and focusing on how to improve the good parts, iyswim.

Incidentally, did either of you know that pelvic floor exercises work for men too? Not with cones, obv (where to put them??) - but, you know that Pilates thing where you learn to make your pelvis move by itself? Works for men, too - it gives them back that enjoyable teenage ability to make the penis 'jump' to order :)

[mackereltaitai]

Similar situation here (so much so that I jumped when I saw the thread title!) I use Aquaflex (intermittently) and dh definitely notices the difference when I do. I think that I feel more able to 'clasp' dh's penis more tightly when I have been using them, which feels better for me overall. It can't hurt.

I have some problems with talking about sex - I'm not sure it's always a good idea. Things that dh has said in the past (e.g. about not feeling very much inside me ) come into my mind and make it hard to relax. It sounds like you've talked enough for the moment.

IMO if you would like sex with your husband, what about just doing it? Can you just say 'I'm turned on, I'd really like to have sex with you, say no if you really don't want to' and just get on with it? If no erection, but he's still OK with you carrying on, at least enjoy touching him, and maybe yourself?

I'm interested re doggy position as a good sexual position because I have to say it never works for us - I think the combo of our particular angles makes it virtually impossible!

[CarGirl]

Doggy is good because a man should be able to get deep penetration for him, generally speaking it's only good for you if they stimulate you at the same time with their fingers?

[ItsGraceAgain]

I've found the same thing as you re doggy style, mackerel! I reckon it must be all about angles (mine is 'unusual', according to the nurse who used to fit my cap.) Different strokes/positions for different folks.

[ItsGraceAgain]

I meant to add, CarGirl, it doesn't sound as if deep penetration is the problem here?

[curlycarla]

mackerel - thanks for your post. Just to make it clear, there is no problem ever with him having an erection. he gets hard very easily and always orgasms. The problem is that I initiate sex and he always says no! So now I don't initiate it. We've had loads of rows about it, I've been very upset so now if I initiate it, he always says yes and always gets erection but I feel like his heart isn't in it, no enthusiasm from him and hence no orgasm for me!

isitmidnightalready - that's exactly my thoughts! That i can almost make this a fresh problem and solution! fingers crossed!

thanks everyone - really appreciating being able to talk it through