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Help No Sex for 4 years!

(37 Posts)
Russell1 Thu 03-Feb-11 14:27:27

I've been married for 5 years to DH and we have 1DS. Basically we havent had sex since I got pregnant (DS now 4) and im really confused as to where the whole relationship is going. We're just like friends sharing the same house who happen to have a cuddle now and then and kiss each other goodbye when we leave for work in the morning. Im struggling to cope with the thought of never having sex again but the thought of having sex with my DH gives me the shivers.

We've totally forgotten how to communicate with each other and when DH tries to show some affection he makes a game of it and totally puts me off.

Does anyone have experience similar to this and is there any chance of us re-lighting the spark after this amount of time?

I love my dh very much but can you be "in love" with someone without the physical side?

We've slept in separate rooms for the last 5 years which doesnt help but i cant sleep through his snoring...Neither of us make any eeffort in the bedroom so we are both at fault here, but what is really happing to us...

Apart from the sexual side we get along great and we have a laugh but i feel so much guilt when all our friends are dropping hints about their sex lives and pregnancies etc. Sorry for the long rant, any advice appreciated!

SecretNameChanger Thu 03-Feb-11 14:52:58

Anon for this one!

Thats exactly us too. We have had a few fairly crap 'god we really ought to' shags over the last few years, but have essentially given up on it. I used to have a sex drive but children seem to have knocked that on the head. DH never had much of one anyway. My attitude is sort of this - at the moment its not really a problem in that neither of us can be bothered, so if it becomes a problem then we will address it then.

We have sought advice previously and the consensus Im afraid was simply to do it. The less you do, the harder it gets. For us, sex has become almost embarassing, its so awkward between us.So we don't. For now.

So maybe Im just putting the issue off, or maybe no sex isn't quite the problem that some would have us believe. If you are essentially happy, then maybe you just have to accept that all relationships have their flaws? If anything I would say a lack of communication is a bigger issue personally.

Interestingly, having confided in a couple of friends it would appear that semi or completely celibate relationships are not so uncommon anyway.So knock that guilt on the head, plenty of people are definitely not having great sex!

kepler10b Thu 03-Feb-11 15:00:24

do you have any diy libido at all? to put it crudely do you ever feel horny and have a wank? and do you know if your oh does? i can't imagine going for that length of time with absolutely no sexual outlet whatsoever.

just trying to work out if it's just each other you find unsexy or if you have just totally shut down sexually.

batman47555 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:04:19

my wife jokes that when daughter goes to uni she is sleeping in her bed to get a good nights sleep, i of course hope she doesn't but as nothing must happens except sleep in our bed, maybe it wont be a bad thing, as i will be free for self pleasure every night!!
is this the situation you 2 have got to?

Russell1 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:13:06

i have plenty of "diy libido" and i think DH does also but its not something we discuss, and i dont think he has any idea about it lol as we're in separate rooms! I just dont have any desire to sleep with him, i find the thought embarrassing after all this time. I guess i do feel like ive shut down sexually but not sure whether its totally or just with DH. I seem to go through phases where i think its actually quite a good relationship without the sex and that i shouldnt feel the pressure to do so but then another side of me thinks that we dont have a "normal" marriage without it and im worried that he'll look elsewhere sooner or later.

Russell1 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:16:15

batman i think we've just forgotten what makes each other tick and how to instigate things that its now so embrassassing that we cant be bothered. very sad. i wonder if he is as tormented as me...

kepler10b Thu 03-Feb-11 15:25:09

"i wonder if he is as tormented as me..."

i think you should just ask him. it would be horrible for your marriage to literally die of embarrassment.

just get on and do it.

maybe read some erotica to get you in the mood. close your eyes and picture a fantasy if the reality isn't doing so much for you.

can i also suggest you sort out diet and exercise if not doing so already. being unfit / overweight can be a big libido killer as it generally just makes you lazy.

batman47555 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:33:22

could be as simple (oh i'll get slaughtered for this) as getting your sexiest undies on and marching in his room and demanding to be satisfied!!!
ps don't take too long changing, in case he is having a fumble beneath the sheets!!!

Malificence Thu 03-Feb-11 15:38:19

I really think you should start off by actually sleeping in the same bed again, preferably naked, and get used to having a bit more intimacy in your life together, skin on skin is very sensual and just the scent of each other is a huge turn on .

It sounds like you both have healthy libidos but have both just got used to sorting yourselves out, it's nothing that can't be fixed. smile

Get into the bath/shower together and wash each other, get used to the feel of each other's bodies, it's worth the initial awkward embarrassment - there is a sex therapy technique called sensate focus, I suggest you google it and give it a try.

charitygirl Thu 03-Feb-11 15:39:29

Sex Therapy (offered by Relate) sounds like it might be good for you, if there are no underlying problems with yr relationship, just loss of libido, out of the habit etc. I think there's definitely a chance of relighting the spark.

The therapist would give you things to do at home, as well as help you talk about it openly. Promise you wouldn't have to do anything in the front of the therapist!

Relate have an 0300 number you can call just to ask with ST is about etc.

seashore24 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:43:58

I've been married for 4 years now, but been with my DH for 17 years in total. Sex used to be an occasional activity in our household, but seemed to diminish completely once we got married! Last occasion was Christmas Eve 2009!!
I thought we were the only married couple that weren't having sex in our marriage, so I am so relieved to find out that I am not alone. I am 47 and still consider myself to have a libido, but no matter what I do to try and encourage my husband, nothing seems to work! If I dress up in sexy underwear he just laughs at me and tells me to put my clothes back on! I do know that he watches porn in the early hours of the morning and he knows that I know because I shout down the stairs for him to come back to bed when he gets up at 5.00a.m. I can't stand porn and would certainly not entertain watching it with him. I know he's not gay and I know there are no women on the side, and when I try and talk to him about it he just turns it into a joke and changes the subject. I've bought relationship books and fun adult toys to try and encourage him to spice things up, but nothing seems to work. Has anyone else experienced this situation and managed to turn their relationship around? All other aspects of our marriage are great but I feel totally rejected and lonely on the intimacy front, and don't want to turn to temptation in the form of finding love from other men.

mole1 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:44:41

Agree with malificence. Also see if you can tackle the snoring so that you can regularly actually sleep together - has he visited the GP (although caution on this, as sleep apnoea can lead to loss of driving licence). Also actually talk about it with him!

mole1 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:48:16

seashore, I don't blame you for feeling rejected and lonely. Your dh sounds a little bit cruel tbh. He certainly doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously. I think he needs to realise how important this is to you - do you think you could suggest Relate over it?

bubblewrapped Thu 03-Feb-11 15:51:11

I think its only a major problem if one of you wants it and the other doesnt.

If you are both just plodding along with no other problems, then it is something that should be much easier to re-ignite.

I think for a start, you definately need to both be in the same bed.. even if it is just at weekends, or if you agree that if the snoring gets bad, you will slip off to your own bed..

Have a date night.. (I know.. it sounds so american.. lol... ).. but it does work.. so many couple forget to keep their own relationship going once they have kids, that it does become very easy to take each other for granted.

Russell1 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:59:20

i had a difficult pregnancy so intimacy was out of the question, followed by a difficult 18 mths during which dh really struggled to bond with DS. By this time we were in separate rooms every night and I guess he may see me just as the mother of his child and not a sexual partner anymore, i tried early on to dress up (which he laughed at) and shared showers etc but each time it was turned into a joke and the subject changed, or DH woke up, always something. I've tried suggesting Relate but he says we can't afford it and the doctors said the waiting list for sex therapy was enormous (guess that in itself shows im not alone. Will google sensate and get drunk and see how brave i can be! The hardest hurdle is going to be opening up to each other and least i dont feel so much like a freak now

seashore24 Thu 03-Feb-11 16:01:22

If I was overweight, had halistosis or smelly feet I could understand my DH not wanting to snuggle up to me, but I'm pleased to say that I have none of these and even when I go to bed naked it does nothing to arouse him!! The other strange situation is that he insists in going to bed fully clothed, in pyjama trousers, t-shirt and sweatshirt hoodie, and when I suggest he snuggles up naked he says he won't because he gets cold!! Even when I suggest that I will warm him up! He used to enjoy being cuddled and stroked but now he would rather turn over and go straight to sleep! I suggested we kept one night a week just for us, and had a nice dinner, no telly and went to bed early and gave each other massages. This suggestion lasted just one week and then went out the window! I've given up trying to instigate sex as it doesn't seem to begetting me anywhere. Also, my DH is quite fit and does regular exercise so I know it isn't body image that is making him lack libido. He isn't over-exercising either which I could understand if he had no energy left for love-maiking in the evening after the gym!

seashore24 Thu 03-Feb-11 16:08:27

We've also got no kids or pets so we can't blame our lack of a sex life on interuptions from children, or having to share a double bed with a jelous dog or cat!! Other friends with children are so jealous of us as they think that we must be 'at it' all the time, as we have our home to ourselves! If only they knew the truth! They probably have our share of sex as well, despite screaming babies and insomniac toddlers!!

Malificence Thu 03-Feb-11 16:08:35

Aaah, your last post have put a completely different slant on things, unfortunately sad .
He's got problems of one sort or another, has he got ED do you think? Laughing at you maing an effort to turn him on isn't the act of a caring person at all either.

It sounds like you have a battle ahead just trying to get him to be honest and open up to you.

He's not being fair to you, at all.

charitygirl Thu 03-Feb-11 16:10:58

I do think that both seashore24 and Russel1 have DHs with underlying issues which (in my non expert view) are going to be solved by getting drunk/dressing up/watching porn etc.

Do you know how much Relate costs in your area? Do YOU think you can't afford it Russel1, or is he just making an excuse?

seashore24 Thu 03-Feb-11 16:11:20

He certainly doesn't have a problem getting an erection. He always has that typical man thing of "Dawn Horn", but always gets out of bed to pop off to the loo and then comes back with a "floppy"!

charitygirl Thu 03-Feb-11 16:13:05

Sorry - are not going to be solved...

charitygirl Thu 03-Feb-11 16:13:56

I don't think that necessarily means he has no problem maintaining an erection for sex, though, seashore24.

coldtits Thu 03-Feb-11 16:14:53

Seashore, with the going to the gym, going to bed clothed and having no sexual response to you, I'd say he's having an affair.

And to the other posters who are worried about their sex lives - make an ultimatum. "YOu either investigate your lack of sex drive and start coming up with some answers or I am leaving you to have sex with someone who wants me as more than someone to do the crossword with,.

Maybe it's because I'm only 30 now, and was in my 20's with my ex, but this ripped us apart at the seams. It's uytterly unbearable to share an exclusive sexual realtionship with someone who will not contribute to it sexually.

seashore24 Thu 03-Feb-11 16:19:50

You could be right charitygirl. I guess it's not something a man would want to own up to. Our sexual exploits have not always been that successful over the years, so maybe the thought of mediocre sex puts him off even commencing the activity. It's difficult to improve without practice, and without practice things can become even more stale so it turns into a catch 22 situation. I have tried just being intimate with him without following through to full sex but he doesn't seem up for that either. I guess I will just have to be thankful that we are healthy, enjoy the same kind of humour, have similar interests and that other aspects of are relationship are happy and that I should be grateful for these.

coldtits Thu 03-Feb-11 16:23:11

I wouldn't be grateful, I'd be fucking fuming and I'd feel utterly cheated.

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