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Waiting for the axe to fall.....

(11 Posts)
MankyMyrtle Thu 27-Jan-11 14:50:34

I think my marriage is over. I love my husband but I don't think he loves me. He only stays here because he works long hours and it's a lot easier for him to have someone on hand to cook, clean and care for the kids.

He rarely spends time with me: gets home after I've eaten (about 8pm), works in his study til late (often after I've gone to bed). He will sit in the living room with me on Fri/Sat but he's usually either working on his computer or playing with his iphone. We eat together as a family Sat/Sun but he usually criticizes what I've cooked or how much I eat.

If I try to talk about any of my problems (I have M.E/CFS for example) he just tells me I'm too fat and all my problems would be solved if I lost weight. He's probably right but it's damned near impossible to exercise when you've got ME.

We never have sex, he doesn't even touch me (again because I'm overweight). Last time we went out together, I was too tired to dance so he spent all night talking to another woman (a mutual friend).

I'm so screwed. My life is lousy with him, it wouldn't really take much to make me happy but it's not going to happen. I can't leave him as I'd hardly get anything from CSA/benefits and I'm too ill to work.

I can't handle this anymore

WherecanIhide Thu 27-Jan-11 14:58:08

Oh dear - he doesn't sound very nice. It seems like life with him is pretty awful.

Have you researched bennefits you may be entitled to?

WADA Thu 27-Jan-11 15:10:59

MankyMyrtle I really feel for you. Let's break down what your saying because it sounds to me like you can't see the wood for the trees.

I have an exp who at the end of our relationship he didn't want to have sex with me because I was too fat. Think about it? Who would say that sort of cruel thing to another human being? Is it someone who should be taken seriously - no. He's being cruel and insensitive and he's likely going for something which he knows will cut deep. What my exp says to me hurts but there is a part of me, if I listen really hard, that says if you don't love my body you don't love me (whether I'm a size 10 or 20). His comments require no defence from you. He is being mean and it says a lot more about him than you.

You mention when you try and talk about your problems that that is when he start this stuff. Is he the sort of bloke who likes the attention to be on him and only him?

Too tired to dance so he spends the night talking to another woman - not very nice is it?

Why do you think your life is lousy without him? It's your responsibility (and I mean that in a kind, gentle and supportive way!) for your own happiness. If you give away that responsibility you indeed will find it difficult. It sounds like your self esteem may be at rock bottom.

Benefits wise you mention that you have two kids. Have you looked at something like 'entitledto.com' to check what you'd actually be entitled to if you split. I was surprised. It's not huge but it's enough for me and the kids to live on for the time being.

I don't know if you're a reader or not but I've read some pretty empowering books in the last year and they really have made a difference to how I think about myself. Clarissa Pinkola Estes - Women Who Run With the Wolves or M Scott Peck's The Road Less Travelled are both excellent and really get you thinking. As are posting on forums like this and gaining a little needed support.

I wish you all the best.

Resolve Thu 27-Jan-11 15:34:51

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

StuffingGoldBrass Thu 27-Jan-11 15:40:34

Resolve, though you may mean well, blatant touting for business is rather frowned on here, especially from newbies who imply that they have joined the site purely to tout for business.
WADA: This man will be legally obliged to pay you maintenance for the DC if you get rid of him and you will also be entitled to other benefits (including some sort of incapabity benefit if you have ME).
ME being one of those illnesses that are affected to an extent by your state of mind, getting rid of someone who treats you with indifference and contempt should mean you start feeling physically better as well.

MankyMyrtle Thu 27-Jan-11 15:42:10

I have tried to research benefits but I'm a little confused about it all. I think I'd be entitled to £213 a week all told. Presumably anything I'd get off my (ex) husband would be taken off this? What would happen with the mortgage as this wouldn't anywhere near cover it. Can't sell the house atm as we're half way through renovating it and anyway we are in negative equity. Forgive my ignorance, I'm in a right state here.

WADA Thu 27-Jan-11 18:04:55

First thing is don't panic. When I start to get overwhelmed I try and just take one day, hour, minute at a time. I'm not saying it's easy for a second but if you can keep your focus on the here and now it can help keep you from descending into a spiral of panic.

Second thing is that any maintenance for the children is not taken into account. I'm not married myself so I don't know whether maintenance for yourself is (someone else will advise no doubt).

Mortgage wise there may be a variety of options available including changing to interest only for a while (if you're on a repayment at the moment), income support may be able to cover the interest, mortgage support relief possibly. I can't help much because your circumstances will be different to mine.

There are plenty of places who can help. Shelter can give you housing advice, CAB, child maintenance options, free half hour legal advice - most of this stuff can be found on the internet. I found it helpful to go into the jobcentre and do a comparison between what income I would receive on income support versus working tax credit.

Hope that helps a little.

perfumedlife Thu 27-Jan-11 18:12:39

Mankymyrtle I agree with WADA, take this in baby steps. Your health issues are similar to mine and I know that stress makes it ten times worse. First things, first, get onto the citizens advice, even if it's to point you in the direction of other help.

Your dh is below the belt with his comments. I think you would feel so much better just knowing that you could cope on your own with the kids, even if you are not ready to leave.

WADA you sound just lovely, really helpful smile

MankyMyrtle Wed 15-Jun-11 13:10:40

Just bobbing on for an update. I am still with my OH. I didn't have the energy to either leave or fight it out with him any-more so just ignored the crap and got on with my day. It wasn't hard as I hardly ever interacted with OH anyway.

A few weeks ago my health started to improve, I began to spring clean the house and my life. I bought a marriage guidance book and start to try some of the things in it (asking him more about his day, casual touches). OH still was fairly cold with me but started spending more time with the kids which was great.
Then I discovered he'd been secretly contacting another woman (she initiated it)- nothing flirty on his part but just general chit-chat.He was only really enjoying the attention but I think judging by the content and volume of contact it maybe meant more to her.
It gave me the push I needed to really talk about how I feel and make him listen and for him to give his point of view. He was shocked and horrified.....

It's cleared the air. We've both agreed on small changes to make and are setting forward with a new determinism not to let things get this bad again. Early days, but I'm hopeful and happy smile

thenewf Wed 15-Jun-11 14:29:46

Glad to hear your life has taken a turn for the better.

Pigglesworth Fri 17-Jun-11 12:48:26

Good to hear!

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