I would really appreciate your help to get my thoughts together. I?d also like to hear from anyone who?s been in a similar situation; what decision you made and whether you regretted it. I also know that hthere are women out there who would give their right arm for a baby, and I'm sorry to anyone who finds this insensitive,
I found out on Saturday that I?m pregnant. We thought we were being sufficiently careful (my periods hadn?t come back after I stopped breastfeeding DS2 in November, and we were using condoms) but clearly not careful enough. My best guess based on how pregnant I feel is that I?m about 6 weeks.
Background: DP and I have been together for six years, and have two children (DS1 is 3.2 years and DS2 is 9 months). My pregnancy with DS1 was very complicated, and I was incredibly fortunate to get to term and give birth to a happy, healthy baby. However, I suffered severe PND, and neither DP nor I really realised how bad it was (we both thought it was normal for new mothers to feel emotional) in time to seek help at the time. DP thinks that it took me a good 18 months to get back to being me, which feels right to me too.
After counselling, I had to courage to try for another baby. We were lucky, I fell pregnant straight away, my pregnancy was textbook and trouble-free, and DS2 is the most wonderful baby I could want. However, I again had severe PND. We had hoped that I wouldn?t after a very easy pregnancy, but if anything I was worse than with DS1 (I was suicidal the second time round). The difference this time was we knew to seek help and my GP, HV and the local mental health team were brilliant. I started on ADs when DS2 was 8 weeks old and am still taking them now.
I love my boys and DP more than anything. But I find the thought of another baby horrifying.
From a purely practical perspective, there?s no reason to worry. We would be fine financially, we have enough bedrooms for all three, childcare would be manageable. DP and I have a good, loving, respectful relationship.
DP was raised Catholic, although he isn?t a regular churchgoer. However, his faith gives a quiet and constant flavour to his thinking and moral compass. When we first met and were talking hypothetically about children he told me that he couldn?t continue a relationship with someone who had an abortion. He?s older and wiser now, and having seen me struggle so much with the DSs has said that he loves me enough to respect whatever decision I make. But I worry that if I did decide to terminate this pregnancy he might not be able to come to terms with it. To him, abortion would be the same as killing a little DS1 or DS2.
But my head is so muddled; I don?t know what I would do even if DP?s feeling weren?t in the equation. I?m not sure which of my thoughts are sensible and which are selfish. In no particular order, my fears are:
- Getting PND again. I don?t know if I could survive falling back into that suicidal pit of despair again.
- I really felt our family was complete. It felt right when DS2 came along (despite the subsequent PND) in a way that it didn't with just DS1.
- Things are just getting easier again. DS2 is starting to sleep through and is in a routine, DS1 is potty training well. I don?t know if I have the mental or physical energy to start again with night feeds and exhaustion.
- It would be the final nail in the coffin for career progression. I work in one of those professions where youth is overvalued and you need to have made it before 40 if you?re ever going to. I derive a great deal of satisfaction and self-worth from my career. I?ve only been back from maternity leave with DS2 for 2 weeks.
- DS2 would only be 17 months (or thereabouts) when the new baby comes. That?s still a baby himself. He deserves more time as the centre of my world.
- DS1 has been brilliant with DS2. We?ve had so little sibling upset. Surely we couldn?t be that lucky again? Why rock a very happy apple cart? I'm happy as we are.
- I?m getting on a bit. I feel like we dodged two bullets in having two happy, healthy babies (we didn?t take up the usual antenatal screening tests because DP?s faith meant we knew we would keep both pregnancies even if there was a problem).
- We?ve just employed a lovely nanny. She?d been out of work for several months and is so happy to have found a permanent job. We couldn?t afford to keep her on while I was on maternity leave with the new baby.
But in any case, I don?t know if I could go through with an abortion. I can?t imagine what it would be like to actually take the pills, knowing what would happen as a result. Maybe I can come to love this baby. Maybe if I have him/her then in a year?s time I?ll be thanking my lucky stars that I didn?t have an abortion. I don?t know.
Thank you for listening. Sorry for rambling.
I won?t be able to come back on line today, but will check in this evening. Please don?t think I?m ignoring you.