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I don't want this baby

(162 Posts)
CinnabarRed Mon 24-Jan-11 11:43:24

I would really appreciate your help to get my thoughts together. I’d also like to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation; what decision you made and whether you regretted it. I also know that hthere are women out there who would give their right arm for a baby, and I'm sorry to anyone who finds this insensitive,

I found out on Saturday that I’m pregnant. We thought we were being sufficiently careful (my periods hadn’t come back after I stopped breastfeeding DS2 in November, and we were using condoms) but clearly not careful enough. My best guess based on how pregnant I feel is that I’m about 6 weeks.

Background: DP and I have been together for six years, and have two children (DS1 is 3.2 years and DS2 is 9 months). My pregnancy with DS1 was very complicated, and I was incredibly fortunate to get to term and give birth to a happy, healthy baby. However, I suffered severe PND, and neither DP nor I really realised how bad it was (we both thought it was normal for new mothers to feel emotional) in time to seek help at the time. DP thinks that it took me a good 18 months to get back to being me, which feels right to me too.

After counselling, I had to courage to try for another baby. We were lucky, I fell pregnant straight away, my pregnancy was textbook and trouble-free, and DS2 is the most wonderful baby I could want. However, I again had severe PND. We had hoped that I wouldn’t after a very easy pregnancy, but if anything I was worse than with DS1 (I was suicidal the second time round). The difference this time was we knew to seek help and my GP, HV and the local mental health team were brilliant. I started on ADs when DS2 was 8 weeks old and am still taking them now.

I love my boys and DP more than anything. But I find the thought of another baby horrifying.

From a purely practical perspective, there’s no reason to worry. We would be fine financially, we have enough bedrooms for all three, childcare would be manageable. DP and I have a good, loving, respectful relationship.

DP was raised Catholic, although he isn’t a regular churchgoer. However, his faith gives a quiet and constant flavour to his thinking and moral compass. When we first met and were talking hypothetically about children he told me that he couldn’t continue a relationship with someone who had an abortion. He’s older and wiser now, and having seen me struggle so much with the DSs has said that he loves me enough to respect whatever decision I make. But I worry that if I did decide to terminate this pregnancy he might not be able to come to terms with it. To him, abortion would be the same as killing a little DS1 or DS2.

But my head is so muddled; I don’t know what I would do even if DP’s feeling weren’t in the equation. I’m not sure which of my thoughts are sensible and which are selfish. In no particular order, my fears are:

- Getting PND again. I don’t know if I could survive falling back into that suicidal pit of despair again.

- I really felt our family was complete. It felt right when DS2 came along (despite the subsequent PND) in a way that it didn't with just DS1.

- Things are just getting easier again. DS2 is starting to sleep through and is in a routine, DS1 is potty training well. I don’t know if I have the mental or physical energy to start again with night feeds and exhaustion.

- It would be the final nail in the coffin for career progression. I work in one of those professions where youth is overvalued and you need to have made it before 40 if you’re ever going to. I derive a great deal of satisfaction and self-worth from my career. I’ve only been back from maternity leave with DS2 for 2 weeks.

- DS2 would only be 17 months (or thereabouts) when the new baby comes. That’s still a baby himself. He deserves more time as the centre of my world.

- DS1 has been brilliant with DS2. We’ve had so little sibling upset. Surely we couldn’t be that lucky again? Why rock a very happy apple cart? I'm happy as we are.

- I’m getting on a bit. I feel like we dodged two bullets in having two happy, healthy babies (we didn’t take up the usual antenatal screening tests because DP’s faith meant we knew we would keep both pregnancies even if there was a problem).

- We’ve just employed a lovely nanny. She’d been out of work for several months and is so happy to have found a permanent job. We couldn’t afford to keep her on while I was on maternity leave with the new baby.

But in any case, I don’t know if I could go through with an abortion. I can’t imagine what it would be like to actually take the pills, knowing what would happen as a result. Maybe I can come to love this baby. Maybe if I have him/her then in a year’s time I’ll be thanking my lucky stars that I didn’t have an abortion. I don’t know.

Thank you for listening. Sorry for rambling.

I won’t be able to come back on line today, but will check in this evening. Please don’t think I’m ignoring you.

kepler10b Mon 24-Jan-11 11:50:29

i don't think there is an easy answer to this one and ultimately it has to be your choice.

given the moral issues your partner has with abortion this is likely to be a permanent difficulty in your relationship. however, only you really know him and whether that is something you / he could cope with.

i can really understand why you don't want to go through with this pregnancy and have to say if i was in your situation i would feel exactly the same way.

best of luck with your decision.

it might be a good idea to go for a permanent solution (vasectomy / tubes tied) in future however to avoid this situation again.

IAmReallyFabNow Mon 24-Jan-11 11:51:26

I am so sorry you have found yourself in this position and wish I could advise you. If I was in this position, my life would be threatened for me to have another baby, but it still wouldn't be an easy decision and tbh we would have the baby. DH has had the snip to make sure this doesn't happen. Waffling on here but what I am saying is it is never an easy decision and you have to go with what life throws at you.

Are you sure you are pregnant, you have done a test?

What does DP think about it?

While it has to be your final decision your dp needs to tell you how he feels as well, it isn't fair to put it all on you.

DrunkenDaisy Mon 24-Jan-11 11:54:00

God you poor thing.

If it was me, I'd have to evaluate how much I'd be affected by a termination.

This is why I have a coil. I'm very much pro-choice but not sure I could go through with a termination myself.

Then again, 6 weeks is very early....

homeboys Mon 24-Jan-11 11:57:38

Message withdrawn

perfumedlife Mon 24-Jan-11 11:58:15

I thought catholics didn't believe in condoms? Or contraception?

If your dh says he would understand then I think you can take his word that he would. The worry is how you would come to feel afterwards. I'm so sorry, what a difficult decision for you both. And it is a joint decision, you mustn't feel it's entirely down to you to make the decision, although it is your body and you should have the final say.

I have a friend who had her third child (unplanned), despite her misgivings and concerns of the gp. She went on to have heart failure (family history and obesity causes) and resented the child. Still has little bond to this day. It's very sad.

Most people don't regret children they have though. However, your concerns of PND are very real and valid.

I think you need to try and put your dh's faith out of your mind for now. It's not your faith. See where that leads you. Do you trust him that he wouldn't hold a termination against you?

Gosh I do feel for you sad

CinnabarRed Mon 24-Jan-11 12:00:15

I know I said I wouldn't come back here today, but I can't focus on work...

I'm definitely pregnant. I did a digital test, which said I was +3 weeks from conception (so +5 weeks by LMP). But of course I don't know how many more weeks, just more than 3.

I was supposed to have a coil fitted immediately before Christmas, but couldn't get to the doctor because of the snow. Bit late now.

I know no-one can tell me what to do. But I'm very grateful for your posts all the same.

If the decision was entirely up to him, DP would have the baby without hesitation. The bit about having an abortion being like killing a little DS1 or DS2 is a direct quote from him on the day we found out (Saturday). His revised opinion - that he loves me forever and will support whichever decision is best for me - came after sleeping on it overnight.

CinnabarRed Mon 24-Jan-11 12:01:51

I stopped taking my ADs (and started taking folic acid) on Saturday. I feel OK so far but am keeping a very close watch on my emotional stability.

nickschick Mon 24-Jan-11 12:03:12

I have 2 angles from a personal point that I think may give you some support.

I fell pregnant with ds3 quite by accident,I was quite far along by the time I realised (irregular periods/ignorance of the situation)and I had quite a good job for the area we lived.

My initial reaction as a practicing catholic was fuck!! and I will quite honestly tell you I did seriously consider abortion,the Gp supported me and had I not started bleeding and been sent straight to the hospital where on the way Dh said quite frankly if the baby 'made' it there was no way on this earth would he allow me to even consider termination.
Ds3 did hang on in there smile.

DS1 and 2 were so very close up until the day I had ds3 I felt wrong for inflicting a sibling another baby into the family sad Id had to cut back my working hours and at that time it was my work that bought luxuries.....so I felt I was punishing everyone anyway I digress.....DS1 and 2 were so close I thought a 3rd would break the 'set' -how wrong was I?

Ds3 is the best mistake I ever made hes loved by everyone has a lovely personality and finishes our family off.

Never was a child more loved.

After I had ds3 I was very ill(not with p.n.) and I was on total bedrest,I spoke to a priest who has since said God is good for basing your morals on but you must live by what you can manage - ideally no catholics would take precaution or terminate but who can manage such huge families these days?-he was very understanding.

I always remember heariung the Gp on the phone to the hospital arranging for the 'interview' about termination and he said 'its rather the opposite the Father doesnt want to terminate the Mother is realistic'.

Its a very hard decision to make and one you have to live with forever.

IAmReallyFabNow Mon 24-Jan-11 12:03:44

I had PND after each baby but after a different length of time. I also had AND with DC3. I will be on ADs for life now but I adore my youngest and having AND and PND hasn't affected my bond with him.

Take the rest of the day off if you can and go home.

maryz Mon 24-Jan-11 12:06:34

I don't think this will ever be an easy decision. Realistically, the only way to look at it is like this: can you imagine yourself in ten years' time. Imagine the two scenarios, firstly that you have had an abortion - do you think you will look back with regret, do you think you will blame yourself, do you think you and your dh will be able to be open about it and put it behind you and get on with your lives.

Alternatively, if you go ahead with the pregnancy and (worst case scenario) the PNT returns, and you miss 18 months of happiness with your three children - will you be able to say, oh well, it was 18 months, I have the rest of my life with them? Or will you always resent the baby for causing you to miss so much with your older children?

Does either case fill you with horror?

Also, if you had a miscarriage now, would you be relieved, or very upset?

Only looking at it like this will you find out if there is one definitely WRONG (for you) way to deal with this.

Unfortunately you may just go round and round in circles. I think you need to try to find someone independent (not your husband) to talk to, to find what you want first, then talk to him about whether he can live with your choice.

CinnabarRed Mon 24-Jan-11 12:10:19

If I had a miscarriage right this moment, I would be relieved. But I can't tell if I would feel that way tomorrow.

Thank you all for replying. I feel so self-indulgent taking up your time.

SoupDragon Mon 24-Jan-11 12:10:26

Firstly, you need to see your GP to discuss what ADs are appropriate for pregnancy (are any of them?) and chat about the possibility of a termination. If you go ahead, there all be all sorts of delays with referrals, you won't have to go through with the appointment if you change your mind.

My GP told me in similar circumstances that the women who cope best with a termination are those who see the pregnancy as a problem. Those who see it as a baby do less well.

I did not go through with it and the baby is now nearly 5 and a fucking nightmare wonderful. I do not regret having her for one single moment even though it has been hard work. It's difficult to imagine the alternative scenario now but I don't think I would have coped with that at all and this, in the end, is what made my mind up. I came to the decision that I would be unlikely to regret a child I did have but would regret the child I didn't.

SoupDragon Mon 24-Jan-11 12:11:49

Given your history with PND, are there schemes for some kind of early intervention so that it never hits the depths of last time?

BooBooGlass Mon 24-Jan-11 12:12:25

Cinnabar, it's a really bad idea to just stop taking the ADs. I was on citalopram throughout both of my pregnancies, I was told the risk to me from not takign them was far greaer than the risk to the baby from taking them iyswim. I would start taking them again tbh, but book in with your GP asap.

IAmReallyFabNow Mon 24-Jan-11 12:16:58

I was told the same as BooBoo though didn't take any ADs when pregnant. My GP at the time wouldn't give me ADs when I had AND and was pregnant.

MmeLindt Mon 24-Jan-11 12:19:12

What a difficult situation to be in.

Just over two years ago, I found myself in a similar situation and was considering a termination. I had a miscarriage so was saved the agony of making the decision. Both DH and I were in agreement, however, which made things very different.

I think that you have to make the decision, together with your DH, when you have all the facts.

See your GP about stopping taking the ADs and to find out what medication you can safely take during pregnancy. And what help would be available afterwards.

Tbh, you sound as if your mind is half-made up. I did not consider taking folic acid.

Butterbur Mon 24-Jan-11 12:19:18

I agree with what everyone else has said. But I just wanted to mention the career thing. I had three children in four years, and found that my brilliant career had definitely gone bung by the time I was ready to work again. The bitterness I feel about this, and my resentment to DH for his complicity in it are insurmountable, and souring my whole life.

This is not a minor factor in your deliberations, and if you do decide to have the baby, perhaps you need to find a way in which you could still maintain your career.

Scruffyhound Mon 24-Jan-11 12:20:20

As someone who has had a termination and now has a DS of 5 yrs and another baby on the way (29 weeks pregnant) I feel that after this baby I dont want anymore. But I have had a termination and I can say its the worst thing I ever did. I was 22 just got a great job and fell pregnant with my BF's baby we had been together since I was 17. He then told me it was me or the baby he was not ready for one and wanted nothing to do with it also his mum told me to get the abortion. My mum said she would support me either way. I was so so up set I did it I loved my BF and would do anything fo him. We got married later on and had our DS. He then was rubbish with both of us no attention and did not care for either of us. I stuck around trying to get councling for us and I needed it to work as I had given up a life to be with this person. We did split up and its now 3 yrs ago. Im with someone else DS lives with us and were expecting our baby. What Im trying to say is that only you can make the decission. You have suffered with PND (I did as well with DS its horrible) but I can tell you that living with a termination is really hard. I still think now about it and I remember when the baby should of been born and how old baby well child should be. Its upsetting it really did my head in even more than PND! I dont want to sway you either way as you have a lot more factors to think about but at the end of the day the main question is can you live with your self having a termination? Please get some advise mutual not pro life or people who think termination is the way to go. I wish you well with your decission all the best

didldidi Mon 24-Jan-11 12:25:27

totally agree about the AD's - you want to make sure that whatever decision you make you are in the right frame of mind. and personally I would terminate in your situation.

earwicga Mon 24-Jan-11 12:30:01

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. But just wanted to say one thing, please go see your doctor asap regarding the anti-depressants. You cannot just stop taking them, it will affect your mental health terribly. You really need advice about taking ad's during pregnancy.

msboogie Mon 24-Jan-11 12:33:49

I think you should get counselling as a couple (NOT from a religious - based organisation)It is your body and your decision but for the sake of your marriage you need to really explore this before making a decision. You will have to be quick. I think the pills are only give up to about 8 weeks - after a certain point you would have to have an operation.

You need to decide as best you can whether you will be able to live with the decision to terminate afterwards.

RMCW Mon 24-Jan-11 12:42:14

Hello.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this difficult position. Having had late onset PND with my ds1 I can sympathise with you.

I had a termination prior to having ds2 due to a chronic health condition which was made 1000% worse by that pregnancy.

Even though it was the right thing for us, I wish I hadnt had to make the decision IYSWIM? I am very lucky in that (after a mc) I now have my lovely ds2 smile

Would your dh go with you for some counselling from marie stopes or someone? It might help you make a decision if you know he is 100% behind you.

You are in my thoughts x

RMCW Mon 24-Jan-11 12:47:43

Should also point out that - at this early stage - you could take tablets and not have to have an op.

samjones Mon 24-Jan-11 13:12:52

I really feel for you, it is a horrible position to be in.

I too found myself unexpectedly pregnant and was very confused by it all. I REALLY did not want the baby to start with, and went through counselling etc with docs and had a termination date booked, but by then had adjusted to the shock and decided not to go through with it.

This is something you alone can decide really, even if you bear your DH's views in mind. But I think you really need to speak frankly with your doctor so you can be fully armed with information - regarding your current medication (I am concerned with you suddenly stopping taking ad's) and what your options are medically re PND, before you make a final decision. And this is a process that would need starting asap so you don't run out of time.

Is it only the PND issue that is involved here or do you have other worries about the prospect?

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