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Feeling sad about how things panned out.

(24 Posts)
kiwifruitisfun Mon 03-Jan-11 15:25:22

Technically I am Brit but spend most of my life in NZ

In order I have been:
In a four still married to the same man (the happiest of all the stages)
In a commune (hopeless due to the gender balance)
In a four and married to the same man (We never got the “magic” back and it was all v v v sad)
Married (this ended in an amicable divorce, we just drifted apart. Also v sad)
In a pair with another lady

I had the regular six monthly email from my former husband this morning. He still lives in NZ. It has left me feeling so low.sad

He was a great supporter during the fostering we did. Male perspective and all that. The Authorities in NZ were very non progressive about alternative life styles in foster parents and there were lots of rows and ill-feeling and angst between us and them.

After a silly idealistic spell in a commune we went back to living as a four but the magic and joy seemed to have gone from our joint lives. J got pregnant then lost the baby and although we all tried so hard to pull it back together it could not be mended. We tried living as 2 couples, just house sharing, but that was just as bad. We were making each other so very unhappy and just 12 months after leaving the commune we split for good.

I don’t think my then husband and I ever truly got over this split. We started living separate lives and just drifted apart and then into an amicable divorce. I last saw him 3 years ago when he waved me goodbye at Christchurch airport.

I don't know what to do, where I am or where to go. Really screwed up inside all the time.

dejavuaswell Mon 03-Jan-11 15:57:49

Sorry OP but it is not clear if you are in NZ or over here? You could go back to NZ or is your lady friend over here?

Face it. Do you still love your former husband? Or are you remembering the days of your youth that you think have now gone for ever. Face it, they have. smile

In these days of Facebook and the rest you might well be able to track people down. Why not at least consider getting back in touch with the people who made you happiest? Not to reform the group but to show you that things have moved on.

I will let you into a secret. Many people have tried and failed at what you clearly got to work. No more, walls have ears.

dejavuaswell Mon 03-Jan-11 15:58:49

Sorry, what a dreadfully crafted reply. I am ashamed. Blame the cat.

MummieHunnie Mon 03-Jan-11 16:09:37

I don't understand, you were single, married, were living with another couple and your husband and all were swapping?, you have lived with your exh just the two of you and divorced as you missed the other couple so divorced, and you have lived with another woman jus the two of you. Is that right? You have had an email from your exh and feel sad now?

What in particular are you sad about?

kiwifruitisfun Mon 03-Jan-11 16:34:31

MummieHunnie - I was single when I left Uni, got married in the "normal way" but neither of us were really comfortable with our sexuality. I would have been called bisexual now I think. We met up with another couple who had similar issues, almost by chance, and lived as a foursome. These were the happiest days of my life. After the silliness of moving to a commune we tried to go back to the way it was before. It never worked mainly because co-wife could not carry a child to full term. It got nasty and unhappy and all fell apart. DH and I could not be happy just as a pair and we drifted into a divorce.

I look back on the past. There was a time I had three people (plus children) who really, really cared about me and todays email has made me realise how much I have "lost".

kiwifruitisfun Mon 03-Jan-11 16:38:07

Dejavuaswell - My lady friend is with me over in the UK and doesn't want to uproot to NZ. Certainly she would not want to live in anything other than a standard twosome way of life.

I had many happy years and I suppose I am looking to get back to that level of happiness again.

almostgrownup Mon 03-Jan-11 16:53:44

It's a new year, you are evaluating your life, you've had a reminder of your past. Normal to feel sad and reflective in this circumstance.

Did you feel low before you got the email from your ex-H? If no, then the lowness will pass.
If yes, perhaps your current situation needs improvement.

Put your energies into your current situation rather than trawling through the past. Also, there seems little point in comparing the present to the past. The present is what it is, and must be dealt with on its own terms.

Best of luck to you.

dejavuaswell Tue 04-Jan-11 08:18:50

OP - I am not certain what you want people to say?

To me you have 2 basic choices. You either return to New Zealand, with or without your current partner or you stay in the UK and put NZ behind you as a lovely, exciting part of your past life.

Yes it is very sad when something that was wonderful stops being wonderful. Ask many people on this site, including me. I made some wrong choices (head v heart).

I think for you to live in a constant looking back state is not good for you.

kiwifruitisfun Thu 06-Jan-11 13:59:58

I have decided to go back to New Zealand for a month!

The flight has been booked and paid for and I fly off on Wednesday. When I told my former husband the news he told me that he had been in touch with the other half of the foursome "for a couple of years" confused

I realise that I need to see my fomer husband and my (former) soul mates in the flesh before I decide my future.

dejavuaswell Fri 07-Jan-11 09:53:43

Sound as if you really need to do this. But please do prepare for being disappointed and saddened.

It can be a long flight home if that happens.

Good luck.

StuffingGoldBrass Fri 07-Jan-11 10:42:55

Good luck from me as well. Sometimes seeing people from your past is a nice way to put the whole thing to rest, sometimes it can be a way of rekindling things and making a fresh start - but even if it all goes horribly wrong, it can help you realise that the past is gone and the future's what you make it.

kiwifruitisfun Sat 22-Jan-11 14:16:23

It was supposed to be a month in NZ but I only just made 10 days before I realised that the past has past and cannot be recaptured. The whole trip was an expensive mistake; which was just what people had said would happen. sad

Meeting my Ex at Christchurch. I was married to him for years, had many brilliant times with him but now, nothing. Not a flicker of love or lust, it was just like meeting a friend or a brother rather than a lover. I slept in his spare room with no thoughts of a quick romp for old times sake.

Meeting my former co-wife and co-husband was dire, really horrible. A few minutes of "do you remember when .." was fun. Catching up on the news was OK but again I felt no spark of the love we had all shared in the past. They are "just" a pair now. They never managed to have children (this was what destroyed our foursome in the past) but do seem happy together. I stayed 3 nights instead of 7 because it was just all so strange and sad and annoying.

I am back in the UK now. Fairly depressed because if we had not joined that bloody commune many years ago my whole life could have been different. The worst decision of my life. I rather think I will never see the three of them again, which is so sad.

MigratingCoconuts Sat 22-Jan-11 16:21:24

That is very sad for you sad

I guess you are right that joining the commune took your life in this direction. However it is possible that, if you hadn't, then your group of four would still not have worked out any more long term...just a thought.

Hope you have luck thinking about what you plan to do next with your life. You sound like someone who is not afraid of trying new things, which means you are free to do absolutely anything you want to. Good luck!

dejavuaswell Sat 22-Jan-11 17:35:53

I am sorry as well. To know something that was very special to you has now gone for ever will be unsettling for a while.

As I expect you guessed in my wild youth I had a brief spell living in a foursome. It didn't work out - nobodys fault, it just didn't. DH and I meet the other two as friends, not lovers, once in a while.

How is you current lady friend about all this?

kiwifruitisfun Sun 23-Jan-11 13:58:48

My lady friend is OK. She knew I needed to get it out of my system. I am more cross with myself than anything. I should have listened to the advice I was given.

kiwifruitisfun Fri 08-Apr-11 15:17:36

I am just so sad still. I remember the good times in NZ, perhaps with rose tinted glasses, and my current life in England just seems drab and dull and second best. Go back to NZ I can hear you all say. I would except the three people who made those years so very, very special have moved on. They don't want to go back to how it was, which is why I feel helpless.

madonnawhore Fri 08-Apr-11 15:33:02

This might sound a bit harsh but I mean it nicely ... You need to stop blaming going into the commune for how everything turned out and take some responsibility for your part in the dissolution of your foursome.

It might make you feel less helplessly bereft if you acknowledge the contribution your own actions made towards that time coming to an end.

I don't mean you should blame yourself, I just mean that it might make you feel a bit more powerful and in control to admit that you were 1/4 of the reason things aren't the way they are any more, instead of the mindset you're in now where you are an innocent victim of circumstance.

It's fine to mourn and miss past times that were really good, but you need to move on and stop looking back. Depression is rooted in not being able to let go of the past. Don't let it get to that point.

dogfish Fri 08-Apr-11 15:43:45

Message withdrawn

Rhinestone Fri 08-Apr-11 15:47:57

Well to be honest I'm not surprised your foursome didn't work out in the end. I really don't think we're meant to live like that. And I don't think it's a healthy fostering environment. Call me a bluff old traditionalist but there you go.

That said I'm sorry you're feeling low and your trip didn't work out as planned. I'd just say be careful of trying to recreate the past - I really don't think any of us ever can.

Get drunk, listen to some music from that time and then get on with the rest of your life.

Reality Fri 08-Apr-11 17:21:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiwifruitisfun Sat 09-Apr-11 18:02:52

I can remember flying pigs on a Pink Floyd album cover (Wish You Were Here). Cattle too (Atom Heart Mother). I don't remember sheep.

kiwifruitisfun Sun 10-Apr-11 12:03:18

You are right. I should take my share of the responsibility for my part in the dissolution of the foursome. The trouble is I don’t think any of the four of us really know for certain what did go wrong. I felt we were still strong as a four when we left the commune and its tempting to think that had J not lost the baby things would have been OK again. It’s the way it all went to pieces so fast that I find hard to accept. What I felt was happy and stable became unhappy and unstable so quickly!

Too right - the NZ/UK thing is a killer. Life in the country in the UK is just about OK but living in a town, or worse still a city, is just so noisy and crowded and yes, unfriendly. I think I might have to go back to NZ to find what I want.

Well certainly I cannot think of any foursomes that lasted as long as ours did. So perhaps, as you say, we not supposed to live like that. Not that I regret that time for a second. I do wonder if, once children come on the scene, foursomes just cannot work?

kiwifruitisfun Sun 02-Oct-11 11:43:52

A sad update to post. My ex-husband collapsed and died on September 14th 2011 at his home near Christchurch, New Zealand.

He was cremated and his ashes scattered in the sea. He had always said that he wanted this to happen but I never guessed it would happen in middle-age. All our children managed to get to the ceremony but what made it a very special event was that several of our former foster children came as well. In all there were 150+ mourners at the funeral.

My youngest had to come back to the UK very soon afterwards to start at Nottingham University this week but my other two were able to stay with me long enough to help sort out their Dad's affairs. My ex and I had always said that we would leave everything to the other one because our divorce wasn't one of those horrible ones you sometimes hear about. We had just drifted apart and there was never any nastiness between us.

The couple we had lived with as a foursome were there of course and I stayed with them rather than in some impersonal hotel. It was a kind gesture and unexpected as I had been rather off-hand with them only quite recently.

It is hard to express how I feel because I don't know. It was tough on our children I do know that.

madonnawhore Sun 02-Oct-11 11:49:56

That is awful and sad and I'm sorry for your loss.

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