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My ex-husband and his new girlfriend

(68 Posts)
ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 21:24:47

I split up with my husband 2 years ago. A year ago we got divorced even though Im still in love with him (on my wishes, in case he met someone else whilst we were still married) because he refused to come back home. Neither of us had moved on or got involved with anyone else. Three weeks ago, he told me that he has been seeing someone else since Sept. I am absolutely devastated. We have two children, she has three. Im in new territory now. He has already stopped taking my calls and wants me only to text him about the kids. Wot an idiot. I put it to him that if one ended up in hospital did he expect me to text or ring him. His answer was that they've never been in hospital so far! How long should I suggest he wait before introducing our kids to her. Should I get him to introduce me to her first? I don't no what to think and he is thinking with his groin at the moment!

perfumeditsawonderfullife Sun 05-Dec-10 21:33:52

I don't wish to sound unsympathetic, I can only imagine how wierd it feels hearing a man you love talk about his new gf. But I think you may need to get used to not having much say in his relationship, as in 'getting him to introduce you' or when to introduce the kids to her. These things are for him to decide. It would be mature and considerate obviously, if he were to listen to your concerns. But he is a free agent now, and if he is trying to build a future with the gf, perhaps he is simply trying to put his chats with you on a more 'distant' footing. Silly, but maybe that's what he feels it more appropriate.

Do you feel you divorced too quickly? Was it your decision to end the relationship?

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 21:35:39

Oh dear, it sounds like the g/f wants him to be distanced from you for her security, sad for the children as this sort of competition normally effects them negatively.

I think you are going to have to have a good cry and accept that you will not be able to parent the children together again as you have the past two years, and that there is someone pulling is strings, which now means there are three parenting your children!

I would not be surprised if she had a hand in composing the text!

At the end of the day I feel sorry for women like that, who feel so threatned about their relationship they would push two parents apart that from the sounds of it were talking well for the children.

I would not be surpised if she is the sort to put your ex ahead of her children!

I hope that the next time you see your ex that you can have an adult conversation with im and you both the two parents keep control of your children and don't allow him and her to dictate to you how things will it, it is so damaging for children!

I don't know what to say regarding you still loving your ex. I still to this day feel sad that the ex and I have no relationship regarding the children, I find it very hard emotionally to deal with so many challenges in life other than the single parent thing, and to have the children's father care for them would be lovely, sadly it is not just the children who loose out it is his loss too!

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 21:37:55

perfume has a point, maybe it is him that has made the decision himself to not communicate with you directly, although I can't see why that would be!

perfumeditsawonderfullife Sun 05-Dec-10 21:42:04

Well, if we know the op is still in love with her ex, it's likely the exh and gf know this too. What gf would feel comfortable about her bf spending time with an ex still in love? I know I wouldn't. The new relationship deserves a chance to work, it wasn't the gf who caused the marriage break up. But of course, texting alone is no way to parent his kids.

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 21:44:16

That is why I can't understand why he would on his own decide to stop the phone calls regarding the children and go to texts, it somehow reminds me of the g/f wanting to know exactly what is exchanged between the parents. If they were going to get back together they would have done by now, two years apart and one year divorced!

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 21:49:18

Thanks for your honest reply. It was a mutual agreement that we ended it. Up until he met the gf he was the perfect dad, I could never have slagged him off. Now he seems to have forgotten that he actually has children and is pretending that im invisible. We were together for 9 years! I'm curious, have you been in this situation either as an ex-wife or a new gf?

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 21:50:19

I am an ex wife! different situation to yours. What do you want to know?

perfumeditsawonderfullife Sun 05-Dec-10 22:02:09

My dh has an exwife and I met him when he had been divorced three years. As soon as we started getting serious she made all sorts of ridiculous new rules, like I was not to be there when he had his son, even though she was on her third partner and third child! Sort of grated on me, a woman, an ex, trying to tell my dh (dp) at the time how to live, as though she had any say. Over the kids, yes, but not over our lives.

I can see it from your side though, op. It does seem as though the new gh is insecure regards you, and is pulling his strings. There is no excuse for him pulling away from his kids. If anything, they will need more reassurance now that their dad is living with a new woman and her kids.

One of the major hazards of divorce, this.

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 22:02:09

Hey MummieHunnie how are you coping? Am I being selfish by being so upset? Im concerned for my kids future. She could b really nice or a right monster. I've wished him all the best, but I don't really mean it. Maybe im jealous that hes managed to move on and having sex again, and Ive been on hold for 2 years just in case he wanted to come back to me. Am I dillusional?

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 22:05:59

Hi Perfume. Thanks. I don't want any say in what he does with her as I know it's none of my business. But I think I should have a say in what he involves my children in. He should be spending time with them separately when he isnt with her. Maybe involve her slowly. That's not an unreasonable request is it?

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 22:08:04

I don't think you are being selfish to be upset that your children's father has detached fromm them, it is a sad situation for them and for you, no doubt you feel their pain, it is a bigger shame as you have gotten over the biggest hurdle and that has is the bit of going from lovers to parents only!

We don't know if it is him or her right now, my gut tells me that it is her insecurity as he was into phoning you before and has now asked for texts, we don't know though! A secure woman who was thinking about the Children's needs would not want to distance a father from his children, even if that meant his speaking on the phone to thier Mother!

I don't know the full details of your breakup, if you kept on sleeping together after the split/divorce etc to know if you are delusional. My situation was different!

I think you really need a good cry, to let the feelings out! hugs x

keep posting!

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 22:08:57

Confused you have a year by law before he can force the children to meet his g/f if you or they are not ready!

ivykaty44 Sun 05-Dec-10 22:09:25

I think you need to start living your own life.

It was your chocie to put everything on hold in case he came back - a divorce is usually the end of things (though not always I know) but usually.

i think you need to make your own life and realsie that you can parent the dc together but just that and not anything else.

Do you have regular tiems to each have the chidlren in your homes atm? therefore meaning you get time to be making your own life outsied the home?

ivykaty44 Sun 05-Dec-10 22:14:42

oh and when my dd2 broken her arm and ambulence job - I text her father as I made my way to the hostpial ( I am 4 minutes away from hospital from work)and put in suspected broken arm, ambulence, going to a&e now myself.

then it is up to them what they think they shoudl do - I would never exepect or demand form the father

I then sit back and be mum and don't worry about whether he is coming or not, if dd2 had asked - can't remeber if she didd - I would say oh I have let dad know and leave things so no onus is on him (regardless that I think he is a twat)

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 22:17:26

I used to let ex know about things like Ivy has posted, I have learned that he will not show up, ask how they are etc, one incident was when we were going through family court and the school rang me during the hearing, he did not ask what was wrong with dd, his barrister did, he never asked for an update, or give two shoots that she has broken her arm! I gave up phoning him a long time ago, he is not interested in his children, as you said yourself op, they are more interested in their d***!

perfumeditsawonderfullife Sun 05-Dec-10 22:26:52

It's not unreasonable to request that he spend time with his kids alone for a while, and it is worth asking. It's just that he doesn't have to do so, if he is of a mind not to. And of course, your kids may decide they don't want to spend time with him if he is forcing them to come to the gf's place.

I would explain to him just what you have to us, and see what he says. I hope the gf isn't pulling his strings, I really do. That way things can get really hostile.

FWIW, when i met dh's son for the first time, I fell in love with him a little. A beautiful wee boy, so open and loving, and to this day we have a great bond. In fact, it was meeting him and loving him that made me want a child of my own.

Maybe the gf will work out, perhaps your kids will grow to love her, and you can start to enjoy some childfree time, get beautified and get out there! x

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 22:35:17

He still has contact with his children and has access any time he wants. I've put no restrictions on him whatsoever. Although there was a time when he was taking them to 2 toys'r'us every weekend for a treat! I did put a stop to that because I had to give up my job when we divorced to look after them, and he knows Im skint. Its just his attitude towards me. We got on really well. We went to parents eve together for them the da we got divorced! I know I need to let go. I just think that just because he has a new gf it doesnt mean that he should suddenly start treating me like rubbish. Hes creating animosity that wasnt there before!

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 22:37:36

Cheers perfume. If his gf is as honest as you then I would be happy. But its the not knowing that hurts. My kids are only 8 and 5 so dont yet fully understand the pressure.

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 22:38:30

Confused, how sad, you need to grieve for this change in his take on parenting, this is how things get spun, the men make out that the ex wife got nasty when a g/f comes on the scene when he does not admmit that his change in behaviour on his own part or encouraged by g/f was the catalist to problems, it is such a shame for the children if he keeps this up, silly man! It looks like someone it wanting a reaction, him or is g/f from you, please don't bite!

Perfumed that is a sweet story!

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 22:41:46

Just some other advice. Her youngest is the same age as my oldest. What do I do if they clash and dont get on? Have I got a say in making him stop forcing them together?

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 22:43:48

MummieHunnie. I thank you for your replies. Now I dont feel that im the only person on the planet going through this. I only joined mumsnet tonight, and Im so glad I did.

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 22:47:52

Have you followed Frank Lampard, he had to wait a year to introduce the gils to the daybreak bird! I know this as this was an issue for me and exh in family court, they will wait a year before forcing a child to meet additional partners, although I don't know if that depends on date parents split up or not, ex wanted to introduce too soon after we split and she was ow, she had no kids, she was plenty enough of a kid herself!

I would imagine the best morally and legally (as if you disagree big time that is how you have to think) would be him introduce her to the kids bit by bit, then add her kids into the mix bit by bit later on! If the children don't get on he and she would have to be right selfish pratts to have to spend all contact time parting waring factions!

MummieHunnie Sun 05-Dec-10 22:52:58

Confused, it was different for me, I was not in love with the ex two years after parting. The only feelings I have are sadness that things turned out as they did, I even looked at their wedding photo's online and after all the nasty things they have done to hurt the children and myself, all I could think was oh she looked like she was happy and like she had the day of her dreams, and he looked just awful really! You can move on from all the intense negative emotions!

You did not respond if you were still sleeping with your ex after divorce, as if you were that is a different story!

ConfuseddotComMum Sun 05-Dec-10 22:55:03

IvyKaty. Blunt and to the point. I do need to start living my own life. You are right, and I've had a huge wake up call in the last 3 weeks. It is about letting go and this will take time. This is why I needed to get the opinions of other mums, because it is hard to think straight when you are upset.

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