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How to get the truth out of a cheating husband?

(90 Posts)
Maybee Sun 24-Oct-10 18:50:18

Long sorry
On the last day of our idyllic family holiday I borrowed dh's phone to get a pic of everyone in the pool. He totally panicked and got v nervous so for the first time ever I checked his text inbox ..
"Hi Gorgeous, the weather is not great here so I won't have a tan for you..." I read in horror. So I confronted him and he said he had no idea who it was. I knew it was dodgy but I handed over the phone foolishly and when we got back to our chalet I said "ok if there's nothing to worry about give me your phone for the day" He gave it over but he then insisted that we charge it and paced the room nervously as it charged on the table. Eventually I went to the loo while he left with our 3 kids for me to catch up. I came out 2 mins later and it was soaking wet and out of order. I was furious so challenged him. Complete denial - he had not touched it. Then eventually as we walked through a beautiful park in the Autumn sunshine. He told me it had been nothing but a kiss and a roll on the sofa of his colleagues flat with a random friend of a friend who had joined them in the pub after a meeting and a few drinks. Now to me the text sounds like it was a bit more than that but he will not change this version of events. I was gutted and when we got back to the chalet he took the phone apart and left it to dry on the heater, only then did it dawn on me that if I got the sim I might find out what he was hiding. The sim wasn't there although he insisted that it had fallen down the radiator so he let me search for it before finally admitting that he had thrown it away!
We have 3 ds aged 1,2 and eight so this is a nightmare. I will probably end this but will struggle as a single parent with 3 ds.
I actually left him when ds 1 was 12 months as he was smoking far too much dope and not facing up to responsibilities but we got back together 2 yrs later as he promised he would do anything to mend the damage. Anyway I've since discovered little joints and marij stashes and a big credit card bill. I loved this man so much and never thought infidelity was an issue in the past although trust was over the dope issue. We now have 3 kids and I have been a v supportive wife and given him so much freedom. This is what I get in return. My head is reeling he is here but on the sofa as he needs to help me with the boys.
How do I get the truth? How the hell will I tell everyone that I may well be a single mum of 3 very soon again?

shimmerysilverghosty Sun 24-Oct-10 18:56:02

Fucking hell he went some lengths to keep the truth from you didn't he? What a fuckwad.

I think you need to leave him again. I don't think these men ever change, I really don't I had one of these, his thing was alcohol rather than dope though.

I don't know what else to suggest, its a long journey, it took me 8 years to get rid of my awful ex but I am still here a year later and happier and more at peace than I have been for the last 8 years.

Sure there will be people along with better more practical advice soon. But firstl I would get straight onto the entitled to and sort out what financial assistance you could get. It's not hopeless, benefits aren't great but its enough iyswim?

shimmerysilverghosty Sun 24-Oct-10 18:58:18

Oh and my dc were 2 and 6 when I finally managed to end it, one with SN, it's hard work but then it always was even when we were together.

LittleMissHissyFangs Sun 24-Oct-10 19:01:34

Holy Mary mother of God...

He threw away the sim card? He broke his own mobile, WTF was on that phone???

Add to this the dope, the card bills, you know what you have to do.

You don't have to tell people anything. He's the one that needs to admit to betraying his entire family.

Go and get advice, try and get money together and out of his grasp, and tell him to leave.

He really doesn't deserve you.

ValiumSkeleton Sun 24-Oct-10 19:04:10

I agree with Shimmery. The lengths he went to to hide the truth from you are like the plot of a film. This guy will never willingly tell you the truth. He would never admit anything that you couldn't PROVE.

But I don't think you need 'proof'. I think it's clear enough what the story is. And I don't mean was it sex, or was it a kiss, or was it a kiss and an emotional affair, or just a casual shag.... none of that really matters. What would gall me, in your shoes, is the ridiculous Fawlty Towers-esque lengths he will go to to hide the truth.

I'm a single parent and it's hard to begin with but I have never regretted it. different class of arsehole I had to p45 though. But I feel proud of my independence and I feel proud that I did a difficult thing. I also have one child with a sn.

Faaamily Sun 24-Oct-10 19:05:40

He is behaving like soneone who is guilty of a lot more than a snog and a roll around. Sounds like a full blown affair to me. I'm so sorry sad.

Personally, I would drain your joint account, consult a solicitor, tell him to leave the house and inform him that you will speak to him again when he stops insulting you by talking utter shit.

GeekOfTheWeek Sun 24-Oct-10 19:17:16

He's an arse and his actions say it was a lot mire than snog IMO.

He is a liar and a waste of space.

Being a single mum is much easier than living with such a nobscratch.

Maybee Sun 24-Oct-10 19:18:12

Thanks gals, I coped so well the first time as a single mum and had built up a good social life had held onto my flat and job by the skin of my teeth and was coping so well when he showed up again. It had taken me nearly 2 years to get it all together again but I gave it another shot and can't really regret it as I do have my fabulous trio of boys now. I also intended to move back home to NI where I'm from with him anyway to get more family support so will start applying for jobs there now. I'm a parttime teacher and we bought our house 4 yrs ago so will not break even if we sell it now. If I tell him to get out the swine gets to shirk all his parental duties and sleep /booze wherever while I'll have all the hard work all alone here so I will bide my time but he will go I mean it. Who do I get advice from on this? Also I feel like a bit of fool and my town in Ni is v traditional my mum will be gutted. Our son now 8 will be upset what will I tell him? This man is the most persusive, plausible and handsome guy I've ever met but I cannot love such a spineless direspectful scheming person anymore.

msboogieHallowqueen Sun 24-Oct-10 19:55:57

well, he doesn't love you, thats for sure. what a prize fool he is to throw it all away. ifyou get hold if his mobile phone bills you will see the nature if his relationship with her. oh and first thing I would do is make him dump her over the phone so you can hear. Even if you do intend to leave him make sure he doesn't have her to go to.

Tootlesmummy Sun 24-Oct-10 20:02:50

Maybee, given that he broke his phone by putting it in water and then threw away the sim card I think you know the answer to the question of whether or not he has been cheating!.

Get rid, your mum loves you and your boys and will fully support you and will probably want to break your husbands neck!

ValiumSkeleton Sun 24-Oct-10 20:18:33

Sent you a PM Maybee

LittleMissHissyFangs Sun 24-Oct-10 20:30:28

Are you in UK now? Could you rent the house and use it to cover rent in NI while you settle yourself and hope for property values to rise.

Sweety, there is nothing you have done to deserve this, nothing that can be blamed on you. Brass it out in NI and if anyone comments tell them he cheated, was hands off, and you had had enough.

You are not going home a failure, you are a returning hero!

perfumedlife Sun 24-Oct-10 20:37:03

His extreme lengths to get rid of the evidence scream hiding something.

It's more than a tumble on the sofa. What a shit. I would get rid, and never look back. Guys like this rarely ever change. And if you stay put, you start taking more and more rubbish as you feel you need to make it work.

Is he even trying to give you the fuller picture?

Maybee Sun 24-Oct-10 21:26:05

Thank you everyone I'm moved to tears now
No he refuses to budge on his version of events but I phoned an old pal tonight who is the ex of his friend who he was supposed to have been drinking with very recently. I smelt a rat and I think we've blown that cover story!
Deep down I know I will be fine it is however hard to cope with 3 boys at times with 2 parents and he is actually helpful and on the surface a model husband. However this sneaky dishonest side has always been there but manifested itself in different forms. I'm still in shock because the warm, funny friendly side really can make you feel so good and a lot of people wouldn't believe some of the underhand stuff that he has done.
I think I might be able to rent the house here on an interest only mortagage as our mortgage is high and could then rent in NI if I get a job. I don't want to disrupt my 8yr old until it is really necessary.
But yes I am off this time.

Maybee Sun 24-Oct-10 21:27:59

His phone is pay as you go msboogie and yes what a fool to throw away his family and destroy his children's home!

perfumedlife Sun 24-Oct-10 21:29:26

So sorry this is happening Maybee. Surely if he learns just how serious you are, he will start to spill? I always think its neccessary to get all the detail so that you can access the anger you need when you start to feel for them.

What a nightmare for you.

Maybee Sun 24-Oct-10 22:03:38

He may spill eventually but it will probably be another concotion of lies. I just wish I'd forwarded the message to my phone that day and I could then have phoned the woman and just asked politely about the nature of their tumble. Again I might get lies though. Now that he has sabotaged his phone he does not have her no apparently so he cannot phone her. He says he could ask his colleague at work for it so I might push for that. However I think it must be a colleague as she was on hols the same week as us. Its all so exhausting I just cannot believe he would jeopardise the chance to live and raise his 3 ds.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Sun 24-Oct-10 22:17:39

This man has an ingrained habit of lying to you, keeping secrets and having addictions. He will admit to only what you can prove.

You don't really need any more proof that he is having an affair, do you? And if that and the ludicrous tales and covering-up are deal-breakers for you, then you really don't need a mandate.

However, if you want to know the full extent to help you detach from him more easily, he won't be without a phone for long. You'll find something on a new phone, because along with his other faults, this man is clearly stupid.

But for goodness sake don't wait for more proof before making a decision, because you really don't need it.

spidookly Sun 24-Oct-10 22:30:07

You have the truth - he's a liar, a cheat, a drug user and a thief.

Leave him.

ScaryFucker Sun 24-Oct-10 22:45:26

what wwifn and spidookly said

I think you know what you have been pushed into doing

he leaves you no choice

Maybee Sun 24-Oct-10 23:07:15

Yes I've made the decision alright but can't kick him out just yet for practical reasons. Why is he a thief as well spid?
I can't bear for my 8yr old to get hurt.

LittleMissHissyFangs Sun 24-Oct-10 23:23:35

Your DC will be hurt more if you let this man erode you any more.

What would letting him off with this teach them about how marriages work?

Spend the period you need to get rid, preparing, saving money and getting things ready for the day he gets given his marching orders.

spidookly Mon 25-Oct-10 21:33:08

"Anyway I've since discovered... a big credit card bill."

You are responsible for that credit card debt, even though you saw no benefit from the money and didn't even know it the debt existed. Putting someone in debt without their knowledge or agreement is theft IMO.

Still, you're on your way out, so it doesn't matter. Just make sure that you sever your financial ties ASAP.

runmeragged Mon 25-Oct-10 21:40:55

In answer to your title question, the only way to get the truth from a cheating husband is if they understand that what they've done is totally and utterly wrong and they remember that they love you and want your joint life back. My husband cheated on me, when I found out, he lied and lied and lied even when I had hard evidence. Later, after a separation, he said that he wanted to tell me everything and as time went by, I asked him little questions (am the sort of person who needs to know). Anyway, I got to the stage where I knew enough and we only talk about it sometimes now and each time, he is desperately sorry and full of regret at how stupid and arroagant he was.

You have enough proof that he cheated, text was incriminating enough, even before he destroyed the phone. You won't get the truth out of him as things stand so I'd leave him and move near to your family.

Maybee Tue 26-Oct-10 14:44:23

Thanks runmeragged I'm a bit torn now as I've just got back from lunch with a friend who reckons that she would hate to end a marriage over a text. Another close friend has asked me if there's anything we can do to save the marriage but she is v soft with men and I'm not. I would hate to move now and disrupt our eldest son's life and then get back with him. Also my family would never welcome him back if they knew about it. It's such a difficult situation. I'm trying to get through each day at a time but my self confidence has been hit hard and I dread going to work tomorrow as I can't concentrate well.
Can you trust your husband now?
Most of the time I feel determined to end it and know I'll be ok eventually but sometimes the thought of what I face alone overwhelms me and I feel sick.

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