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Could you give me the 'early' signs of an abusive/controlling relationship please?

(53 Posts)
mmmwine Tue 12-Oct-10 22:23:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsColumbo Tue 12-Oct-10 22:35:57

What sort of things? Does she seem happy or is she looking for approval or something?

boogiewoogie Tue 12-Oct-10 22:38:02

You need to do a search for "red flags for people to avoid" or "signs that he is a bastard" something along those lines.
There are plenty of threads about NPD/ APD/ Emotional abusers etc.

Your op is a bit too vague I'm afraid. Have you met him? Is your friend happy about him? If so then I would not say anything just yet.

booooooooooyhoo Tue 12-Oct-10 22:40:16

does she talk about him alot? as in, it is all she talks about, she has no otehr interests, almost as if she either doesn't feel allowed to talk about anything else or that she is trying to ask for help without actually saying, "i'm in trouble"?

aseriouslyblondemoment Tue 12-Oct-10 22:42:06

there's a really good check list which has been posted on MN in the past iirc it's called 'signs that you're dating a loser'
might be worth a google
why exactly are you feeling uneasy?
admittedly if she's only just started seeing him then she's undoubtedly spending alot of her free time with him and friends will take second place
this is quite the norm tho
BUT yes there are major tell-tale signs as your own gut instinct is telling you

MrsColumbo Tue 12-Oct-10 22:45:55

For a start, is he complaining that she is seeing you and her other friends? Abusers generally like to isolate their partners from others.

ScaryFucker Tue 12-Oct-10 22:47:04

look here

mmmwine Tue 12-Oct-10 22:49:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmmwine Tue 12-Oct-10 22:52:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booooooooooyhoo Tue 12-Oct-10 22:56:46

he just sounds horrible.

MrsColumbo Tue 12-Oct-10 22:58:08

Hmm, he sounds a real catch. Thing is, are you prepared to actually say all this to her, mmmwine, or just be there for her with tea and sympathy when it all inevitably goes tits up - sooner rather than later, hopefully?

aseriouslyblondemoment Tue 12-Oct-10 23:25:15

af's link says it all sadly
but in all honesty mmmwine what can you do here?
is your friend asking for your advice?
do you feel that she is emotionally vulnerable/hasn't developed her self protection radar?

mmmwine Tue 12-Oct-10 23:36:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmmwine Tue 12-Oct-10 23:38:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmmwine Tue 12-Oct-10 23:39:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booooooooooyhoo Tue 12-Oct-10 23:58:20

your last post rings alarm bells with me.

ScaryFucker Wed 13-Oct-10 07:02:53

jealous, controlling psychopath

mmmwine Wed 13-Oct-10 12:19:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ullainga Wed 13-Oct-10 14:12:56

very worrying and you can find several of those things you described from the link SF provided.
Let me guess, he also constantly corrects her little mistakes and dismisses or ridicules her opinions?
Claims that all his moods and anger are someone elses fault? Never admits that he actually over-reacted when he got angry at some passer-by?
She has to give him a detailed description of her day, who she talked to, what they said, what she said etc?

sounds all too familiar..

mmmwine Wed 13-Oct-10 16:43:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justthisone Wed 13-Oct-10 17:54:46

I can - what you just posted sounds completely manipulative. I think he's really bad news.

If he had said the bit about don't worry about driving all this way for one night (could do without the "save your energy for the weekend" bit though!), and then "Cool, have a lovely time," when she said she'd go out with a girlfriend, it would've been fine.

Janos Wed 13-Oct-10 17:55:35

From what you have posted here, sounds like he has the potential to be controlling/EA.

Alarm bells = getting angry <check>, being rude to friends <check>, manipulative behaviour <check>, belittles her in front of others<check>.

Yep, you are right to be worried, sadly, but you cannot do anything except be there for her.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work .

Janos Wed 13-Oct-10 17:58:24

I should say - getting angry for no reason or inappropriately,

Getting angry when 'angry' is a normal reaction to a given situation doesn't make someone abusive/controlling. But shouting at passers by - yuck. Cringy and nasty.

boogiewoogie Wed 13-Oct-10 22:21:34

Oh dear, I'm afraid he does sound controlling especially re: the girls' night out at hotel which he practically gatecrashes at short notice. Stalking behaviour and being stroppy when she says "no" but all smiles ad charming again when she changes her mind to comply with him.

I'm not sure how you would approach this subject to her though as she is probably "blinded by love" at the moment.

Girlsworld Wed 13-Oct-10 22:44:16

There's a book called Dangerous Relationships which is very good. It explains how a new partner turning up unexpectedly for example, "Surprise! I thought we could go for a picnic, here it is, get your coat" etc early on, is often a sign of testing boundaries and shows a complete lack of respect. The recipient generally feels it is romantic and spur of the moment, what's not to like about an impromptu picnic, etc etc, even if they have made plans, they can be cancelled... this is just telling the control freak instigator that they can manipulate further next time round. And so on.

It recommends not being available at no notice, no matter how "romantic", and judging the reaction. If the reaction is courteous and respectful, then it's a good sign that the doer was genuine, whereas if they try to manipulate into it going their way then it's not.

If she asks if you like him or not, be honest.

Also, I think people like him can be hard to shake off. She might find she can't get rid of him even if she wants to, if she leaves it too long. Even if he wasn't that bothered about her, he might be more than miffed should she leave him (hey, that's out of his control! How dare she!) and it gets worse the longer the "relationship" has been going on, because "ownership" has been established...

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