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After 37 years, it is almost over...........

(133 Posts)
Citydoll Sun 10-Oct-10 01:30:14

Discovered that DH has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with another woman after 37 years of being together (31 years married). Decree absolute is only weeks away(I was the petitioner) does one cope?

Tortington Sun 10-Oct-10 01:43:12

i don't know but wanted to post to let you know that someone was listening.

Citydoll Sun 10-Oct-10 01:46:05

Thank you, Custardo. As you can guess, sleep does not come easy. For the last few months, have focussed energy on divorce and had not had time to cry or grieve or even scream and shout! Perhaps that will come.

BitOfFunderthepatio Sun 10-Oct-10 01:47:02

How long has it been?

Citydoll Sun 10-Oct-10 01:50:37

Since May. My solicitor reckons that I hold the record for the fastest "quickie" divorce he has ever dealt with! In case you have not guessed, I am in the Silver Brigade and must now face life on my own.

Tortington Sun 10-Oct-10 02:12:44

not necessarily! you have probably taken the right decision, considering at a guess you have at LEAST 30 years in you yet, you don;t want to waste that on being unhappy, its a lifetime. and you absolutley can find someone to make you happy for the rest of your life.

but yes you are right, you have to grieve for a life that has ended

Citydoll Sun 10-Oct-10 02:41:43

I know that I have made the right decision because he has turned out to be such a lying, deceiving, cowardly hypocrite. By the way, 30 years would be pushing it - maybe 15 to 20 years!

It is still hard and I really dread the year ahead.

seenyertoeslately Sun 10-Oct-10 04:44:54

Citydoll I am so sorry - went through something similar although we were not together for as long as you (21 years). It is difficult but don't despair.x

Citydoll Fri 29-Oct-10 13:11:32

I am so, so, sad and depressed and suicidal at the moment.
Just waiting for the decree absolute to come through in the next fortnight.
I think I am becoming a "divorce bore" with my close friends and I cannot bear the thought of being alone.
I am so tired.

MidnightsChild Fri 29-Oct-10 13:28:17

Citydoll, I was so sorry to read of your experience. Please, please, please do not believe you are destined for a life on your own. You may eventually choose that option, but it isn't the only one available to you. I don't know what age you are but there are dating sites for every situation and age group.

However, right at the moment, what sounds most important is to surround yourself with some good friends, to take some time to grieve for your lost relationship, whilst building a new life for yourself. Many of us are not good at seeking support (I know I was in that camp until recently), but why don't you sit your closest friend(s) down and tell them how you really feel. If they look like deer caught in the headlights, you know they're finding it too much ... but if not, you know that you can continue to count on them for support and understanding. I found counselling very helpful indeed following my relationship break-up, but I understand that its not for everyone. Mind you, these days I rely more on the network of close friends I've made since becoming re-singled.

Good luck & I hope things start to look brighter soon.

Citydoll Fri 29-Oct-10 13:35:22

Thank you, Midnightschild, for your words of comfort and support.

I have a brilliant job with a fantastic company which is my one sanctuary at the moment.

But, as an exmaple, Christmas looms and although friens want to include you in their festivities, they are all happily married and all of a sudden, without trying and without meaning to, I feel like a spare part! Probably just feeling sorry for myself at the moment!

Citydoll Fri 29-Oct-10 13:37:26

Sorry - fat finger syndrome - should be "friends" not "friens"!

atswimtwolengths Fri 29-Oct-10 13:40:33

So sorry you're in this position, Citydoll.

About Christmas, is there any way you could go off on a little trip abroad for a few days? Are you expected to spend time with family?

Citydoll Fri 29-Oct-10 13:51:36

Thank you for your message, atswimtwolengths.

No, I have no family ties in this country and so can pretty much do what I want. However, I may need to take DS's views into consideration - he is 19 and can look after himself if needs be but after the traumatic 6 months he has just had with the divorce etc., Christmas would not be the right time to leave him on his own. Much as he loves me, I certainly do not want to put any pressure on him to go on holiday with his decrepit, old mum!

sobloodystupid Fri 29-Oct-10 14:01:12

citydoll have you thought about going away with ds for Xmas, just to a nice hotel somewhere not too far away for a few days? I'm sure you are not decrepit and if you are he can sprint up to the bar for you, make appointments for you at the spa etc! It will be difficult, I know but maybe now is a time to start new traditions. Please don't think I'm patronising you but you should be so proud that you had the strength to walk away, your son is so lucky to have such a strong lady in his life. Please be kind to yourself

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker Fri 29-Oct-10 14:05:25

City, my neighbours met in their fifties and have a wonderful can happen. Conversely I know loads of women who start an amazingly worthwhile life on their own.....

whenallelsefailscastspells Fri 29-Oct-10 14:06:06

Hi citydoll

Another one on her own for seven weeks now after 28 years but it was my choice not his. I have been astonished at the kindness of friends and the maturity and sensible attitude of my DC.

Be kind to yourself, think of small treats and ways to cherish yourself (like buying some paperwhite narcisssi for the breakfast table or a ripe fig). Take pleasure in the beauty of the natural world and accept the sadness as part of the personal growth being forced upon you. It is all part of life. After all if your marriage hadn't ended in divorce it would have ended in death!

Keep posting on here. We are all in need of support and kindness and MN is a great place to get it when you feel you have exhausted your friends and family!

whenallelsefailscastspells Fri 29-Oct-10 14:09:47

Also I found "Thriving after Divorce" by Tonja Evetts Weimer very uplifting and helpful. (Behaving with dignity and kindness and living in alignment with your values, in a nutshell)

popsycal Fri 29-Oct-10 14:16:32


you say you feel suicidal

please phone Samaritans

UK: 08457 90 90 90
ROI: 1850 60 90 90

Citydoll Fri 29-Oct-10 14:59:24

Thank you for all the messages of support - very touched - especially from total strangers.

whenallelsefailscastspells - I shall definitely get the book. And I had to find the strength to make the decision to end it all because he would have been very happy with his "double" life and hoping that I would never find out.

popsycal - thanks for the phone numbers. My mother was depressed and suicidal from a very young age till the day she died and although I was always very confident that I had not inherited that "gene" from her (I am more my Dad's daughter), I am terrified that I am starting to feel this way.

It has just been a very bad few days and I just need to pull through this!

AddictedtoCrunchies Fri 29-Oct-10 15:10:42

Citydoll, where are you? There's lots of us on here and I'm sure someone would be close to provide tea and buns?
Sending you happy thoughts

Citydoll Fri 29-Oct-10 15:22:56

Someone told me that it will take half as long as your married life to get over a divorce. On this basis, I only have to wait another 18 1/2 years before i feel better! Is this true?

ZombieChickensHaveNoMercy Fri 29-Oct-10 15:30:12

So sorry that your marriage has ended, Citydoll. It is truly shit to be let down by someone you've spent most of your life with. You can make a life for yourself, and you will. Of course you will feel grief for the life you had, but your new life can be wonderful too. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's still early days <it's not the done thing here, but sod it, have a huge hug>

Citydoll Fri 29-Oct-10 15:53:01

ZombieChickensHaveNoMercy - hugs are always welcome - you can never have enough hugs - so thank you.

Yes, I have been with him since I was 21 which is almost 64% of my life. I appreciate that sometimes marriages do go stale or past their sell by date and I would have completely accepted it if he had said at that time that he wants a different life etc. but for him to live a life of deceit, lies and total betrayal for the last (possibly) 6 years is too much for me to bear! It is a betrayal too far! And the continuous denials (even though I had concrete evidence) and calling me stupid and paranoid because I dared to confront him with it!

Hey Guys, I feel better already!

popsycal Fri 29-Oct-10 16:17:43


please take seriously the way that you are feeling especially if there is family history


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