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left out by antenatal friend :(

(27 Posts)
hereitogesagain Tue 14-Sep-10 22:05:31

Really sad about what has happened and just wanted to get this off my chest.

Just found out one of my antenatal group, who I have known for over a year, has invited the others out to a big evening do and not included me; the others mentioned it without realising I had not been asked.

I realise she can invite who she wants, but feel sad as I thought we were becoming a tight-knit group and that I had finally found a bunch of friends locally. We had been through lots of ups and downs together, that I really thought had bonded us.
I won't feel so comfortable meeting up in future as this feels like she doesn't see me as a genuine friend, and I won't feel able to be open about things now. I'd suspected she had her reservations about me and this has just confirmed it.

Why I can't just take it on the chin, is that it feels like this happens a lot to me. Going back to my earliest friendship, as a small child, then in secondary school and then in university.. there always ends up being some form of exclusion that goes on, and someone leaves me out, and I guess this is just pressing a few buttons for me.

Since university there has not been an opportunity to really make new friends until now, in fact it was one of the reasons I wanted to have children when we moved to this small town!

I'm wondering if it is in fact something about me that makes this happen.Or if it is just the nature of groups. Or just, as the saying goes, proof that you can't be friends with everyone.

I guess I just have to keep in touch with the others and also branch out into other friendships. Sad though, as had higher hopes this time around.

Anyone else ever experienced similar?

onepieceoflollipop Tue 14-Sep-10 22:09:40

It is upsetting. I think what makes if worse is that she has invited everyone from a group except just one i.e. you.

I had a similar experience (and like you it pressed buttons from a very unhappy childhood).

A former friend had a "special" birthday. We had been very close, then for various reasons (some of which I don't understand as she would never discuss it properly) we drifted apart.

She invited loads of people to her party, people who were acquaintances more than friends (that was her business of course who she chose to invite). Anyway, weeks before the party an acquaintance asked me if I was going, it was tricky as I didn't know about it and hadn't been invited.

She had a last minute change of heart and asked me literally a day or two before. Later she admitted she hadn't wanted to invite me at all. I was left feeling very sad and unwanted. Really she would have been better not to invite me I think than a reluctant last minute invitation.

hellooo Tue 14-Sep-10 22:12:02

It says nothing about you and everything about the person who didn't invite you.

onepieceoflollipop Tue 14-Sep-10 22:13:59

I would also add that if you arrange a group meet up that you try to be the "bigger" person and resist the temptation to exclude her.

MollieO Tue 14-Sep-10 22:19:13

If I was invited and discovered that one of the group wasn't invited I wouldn't be going. It will be interesting to see what the others do now they know you haven't been invited. I'd expect some not to go or for you to get an invite. Either way it is horrible.

How old are your dcs? I made good friends when ds started nursery and then school so that should be another opportunity for you.

hereitogesagain Tue 14-Sep-10 22:41:16

Hi everyone
Thanks for the replies, it somehow makes it less hurtful being able to air it and get some kind responses.
Yes you are right, I'd rather not be getting a last minute invite - and it's good to know now where I stand with this girl, rather than invest any more time; it's important to be the bigger party and not exclude in return. Nursery is a good way of meeting some people.. and yes, says more about her than me.

Thank you for stopping me feeling hurt. Really grateful.

nameymcnamechange Tue 14-Sep-10 22:46:51

I agree with MollieO, actually. If I was part of a group like yours and found out that someone in the group had not been invited for no good reason, I would boycott the event anyway. I wouldn't want to be associated with someone who could be so insensitive. She sounds like a knob, frankly!

lalalonglegs Tue 14-Sep-10 22:47:42

I made friends with a lot of people locally after I had my first child and we did feel like a really tight-knit group but, then, after about a year we started to form little sub-groups with people that we had more in common with and now I only see two of them regularly. I think your situation has been handled badly but it is natural for the bonds that brought you together when you were first new mothers to weaken once you get out of the intensity of that very early period of motherhood. The issue has been brought to a head by her not inviting you but, to be honest, it probably would have happened that you began to shed the looser friendships over the next few months anyway. Try not to be upset about it - it isn't repetition of earlier let-downs and you have made friendships within this group that will last.

LittleMissHissyFit Tue 14-Sep-10 23:10:43

my goodness, what a cow she is!

Hereitgoes, please don't lump a ton of unconnected incidents plucked from throughout your entire life to tell yourself that this is in anyway proof of you being less than anyone else.

Simply speaking, she is a cow, and more than likely the other girls will see through her fast enough. She's no loss to you, and if they don't wise up to her, neither are they.

She sounds jealous of you, for some reason.

Honestly, ignore her, she'd never be a good friend to have in your corner. Better you know now, before too much is invested. I reckon the others will see through her soon enough, don't you worry. <hugs>

zazen Tue 14-Sep-10 23:18:59

I agree with LittleMissHissyFit. This isn't a pattern at all for you Hereitgoes.

I think it's important that you don't take it personally.

Maybe your friend forgot to invite you, and it's a genuine mistake? Do you think this might be possible? Ask her maybe..
Could you give her a ring?

Whatever happens, keep up with your other friends - they are not 'all against you' indeed a lot of them may well be wondering where you are on the party night, not realising what, if anything, has happened..

Invite those you like round for a cuppa!

hereitogesagain Wed 15-Sep-10 05:05:16

Thanks again, you are right, the friendships are bound to readjust after the intense first year. In real life me and this girl would never have been friends - we would never have ever met eachother as our lives, circumstances, jobs etc are so different.

The others aren't actually going (why it was mentioned as they couldn't make it), and yes perhaps I am seeing a pattern where there isn't one.
I did think it was an innocent mistake and did bring it up in a very non-threatening way, but haven't had a reply.
And yes also important not to lump them all together as horrible, and be friends with the ones who have been nice.

Thanks so much, this has really really helped me.

stubbornhubby Wed 15-Sep-10 09:01:29

- pretend you don't know about it, and quickly send an email now to the whole group - including her - suggesting you all, on spur of moment, go out together tomorrow night.

This will be too short notice to actually happen, but the embarrassment factor should prompt an invitation to the other event should arrive

LittleMissHissyFit Wed 15-Sep-10 09:06:42

I am the past queen of looking for evidence of my general shitness.... believe me, if you look back over a long enough period of time and really try hard you can find evidence of anything.

Try not to do that, it's a dreadful self destructive habit.

maybe it was a mistake, I hope so. It'd be interesting to see if you get a reply. I agree with everyone, go on the charm offensive and invite everyone for a meet up somewhere.

diddl Wed 15-Sep-10 09:11:59

Are you sure that you are the only one not invited?

TBH, I´ve never really held with this inviting everyone & if she doean´t like you then I think it´s fine not to invite you.

I know n´many will disagree.

Perhaps it´s time to just choose some really good friends?

MsGee Wed 15-Sep-10 09:14:39

Hereitgoes, I do sympathise with your situation and echo the advice here not to take it personally. Also, the group will start to disband at around this time anyway as people return to work and have different times that they want to meet up.

As others have said friendships in the first year or so do change - initially you have the one thing in common, feeding, sleeping,weaning, nappy changes which is sufficient to sustain the friendship. I always think its like the first term at Uni or High School - you make "incredible" friends and then realise that they are not your sort of people after all. As you said you wouldn't have been friends with this girl had you not been thrown together in a group. I think it takes a year to realise you don't want to be friends with every woman just because you both have a baby!

I had a similar experience - close friendship make 4 weeks after having DD which ended earlier this year (after nearly two years) for her spurious reasons. I felt incredibly hurt and bereft but in time I realised that perhaps I had missed the signs all along that this wasn't the world's best friendship. After the first year you also start to notice a difference in parenting styles which changes friendships.

Anyway, after a few weeks of being upset and tearful I made a real effort to make new friends (accosting other parents at nursery who seemed nice!!). I had a few knock backs and I am sure a couple of people thought I was odd but I now have a nice group of friends and am much happier - my lovely new friends said that they were so glad I approached them because they didn't know how to. It sounds like you have a good basis for some individual friendships from the group and the opportunity to make new ones. Best of luck!

Rosebud05 Wed 15-Sep-10 09:15:59

A lot of antenatal groups are close knit for the first 9-12 months (when ALL you want to talk about is your new baby), then drift apart when people go back to work, kids start nursery on different days, then school etc.

There was a woman in my antenatal group who I could superficially get along with, though despised many of her smug, right wing behaviour and opinions. Our differences became more and more marked and I began avoiding her, then she moved away and I never had any desire to keep in contact.

She organised a reunion at her new home this summer (kids now 3.5) and invited everyone but me. I did feel a little wounded for a bit, then realised that actually it's a great relief that I don't have to ever see her again and found it all quite liberating.

I've found that the 3 friends I made through messy play ie who I chose to spend time with rather being forced into it a la antenatal class are the ones that I've kept, and am making more and more as my dd gets older.


PosieParker Wed 15-Sep-10 09:19:43

The same happened with me, two of my group fell out about a three year olds birthday party (girls only) and because one cried on my shoulder and I didn't phone the other she was pissy with me. Now 4 years on they're friends and I'm not, in fact they all (the last five remaining) get together all of the time. I met one of them the other day and just thought I can't be arsed, the only thing we have in common is the time of our first borns.

PosieParker Wed 15-Sep-10 09:21:17

Oh and by the way, your 'friend' sounds like a bitch and it's very primary school to leave one person out like that.

spiritmum Wed 15-Sep-10 09:23:29

Hereitgoes, she's still stuck in the playground.


FWIW I found having dc agonising - all the standing around on my own whilst little cliques chatted outside pre-school or at toddler groups.

It seriously wasn't worth the angst. Sooner or later you find people you click with. All sorts of opportunities will come up esp. as your dc's social circle widens. You get real friends rather than part of the clique, which is lovely.

traceybath Wed 15-Sep-10 09:28:47

Its just mean - lordy - we always say you can't exclude one child from a party if you're inviting the whole class and its the same thing.

Hurtful but at least you've found out what type of person she is assuming it was deliberate.

diddl Wed 15-Sep-10 09:50:16

"Its just mean - lordy - we always say you can't exclude one child from a party if you're inviting the whole class and its the same thing"

Well not really imo as OP is an adult & is aware that not everybody likes everybody!

RunnerHasbeen Wed 15-Sep-10 10:02:49

Maybe when she asked the first few and found out they couldn't come she binned the whole idea? It doesn't mean that she wants to oust you from the group and doesn't like you, at worst it means she doesn't like you quite enough to organise something where you might be the only two there. Given that you yourself say you have little in common, this is understandable.

If she is being petty and childish, just focus on the one or two you get on with best from the group and spend time with them.

traceybath Wed 15-Sep-10 10:40:55

Well Diddl - I personally wouldn't invite 9 out of a group of 10 friends/ante-natal group and exclude one person. Well I may if they'd slept with my husband or something wink

I do think its just mean to do something like that really.

hereitogesagain Wed 15-Sep-10 10:53:50

Thanks all, been planned for a while (was talking about it several months ago at one of our meets).
Am definitely the only one not invited as the group is now fairly small as a few people dropped out early on. I do think that it's ok not to invite everyone, but can't help feeling upset as I did think our small group was now a tight-knit one.
Email thing already tried (sent in all innocence as assumed it was a mistake). The usual email replies and banter that we have has now gone totally dead.

I do like that uni analogy. That's exactly what has happened. In fact that might have been what happened to me at uni, with friends drifting off, but I never had that explanation to hand and until now had been left a bit puzzled.

I found the first year very hard; it was a time where I was at my most raw if that is the right word, sleepless and surviving, so it does feel like a bit of a rejection, but better to know now that this is not a long-term friendship.

There are still a few from this group and a few other friends I have made to build on.
Thanks loads for replies. Helped me put it in to context as just one of those things that happens to antenatal groups.

Still long for a group of close friends but I guess that just happens on SATC, not real life!


hereitogesagain Wed 15-Sep-10 10:58:06

Traceybath cross posted with you agree it would be mean to invite 9 and leave one out, think it's ok to pick a few who you get on but not exclude one person.

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