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What should i do?

(15 Posts)
Teletubby Thu 31-Jul-03 12:41:47

I'm having a bit of a dilema at the moment. I'm wanting to return to work part-time as i am finding being at home all the time really difficult. My husband sees me wanting to work as me not being able to cope with motherhood, i feel guilty enough for feeling the way i do and without his support it's making me feel even worse. He says that we shouldn't have had another baby and that there certainly won't be anymore if i can't cope! I love my kids dearly but i feel that i would be a better mother and enjoy motherhood more if i had a balance between work and home life - i think it would make me appreciate the time that i do have with them more and give me more energy to do things with them. At the moment i just feel so fed up and feel so bored and just find myself feeling really trapped. I feel terrible for feeling like this! His solution is to go off and have a facial or five minutes on my own but he's missing the point i just feel i need a bit more, a bit more use of my brain. Lots of mothers work and aren't bad mothers for doing so so why do i feel so bad? I'm fed up with the housewife routine, sick of washing and cleaning! It would break my heart to leave my children but i'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel so selfish but need to do something.

aloha Thu 31-Jul-03 12:50:01

Blimey, I think I'm a fabulous mother actually, but rather more fabulous for working. My ds has a lovely nanny three days a week, I get to use my brain and have some lovely adult time. The idea that woman have always devoted themselves to their children is just rubbish, historically. Woman have always worked, always had other people look after their children etc etc. I think you would be much happier and more fulfilled if you started working again. Would your husband care to be a fulltime carer of your children. If not, why not? Would he be a failure. What rubbish.I feel exactly the way you think you will feel. I'm happier, and better and far more patient mother. I never shout at ds and am happy to go at his pace and I'm sure it is because I don't do it every day. You are not selfish, you just value yourself.

oliveoil Thu 31-Jul-03 12:57:28

Maybe dh feels threatened by the fact that he will have to help more around the house? Sorry, gross generalisation there .

You are not selfish for wanting to work or for that matter, not wanting to work. An unhappy mum means unhappy kids IMO.

Sorry, haven't got advice as such, just to say most people have been there and there isn't a right or wrong answer, just do whats best for you and your family.

Good luck.

Teletubby Thu 31-Jul-03 13:05:06

Thanks for those bits, i'm glad to hear that there are people who sympathise and don't think i'm selfish. I think a certain amount of my husbands lack of support is perhaps due to his insecurity (he's quite a jealous man) and at the moment he hasn't got the fear of me being whisked away by some other man (not that i would as i love him dearly). He's already admitted that he couldn't be at home full time (through lack of patience plus he earns very good money)but because i'm a mother i think he just assumes i 'should' be and that i 'should' be happy to be. I really do think that i would enjoy my days with them far more if it wasn't everyday and i think i would be a lot more tolerative (if there is such a work). At the moment i am highly strung and whereas little things use to go over my head i now find them irritating me beyond belief....normally resulting in tears!

Mingles Thu 31-Jul-03 13:09:40

Hi Teletubby,
Don't feel bad!! Your feelings are completely normal, I'm sure loads of working mums go through the same thought processes. I think you should have a good chat with your husband about how you feel, it's a bit unfair for him to make the comments he did (although I wish my partner would send me off for facials!!)but maybe he doesn't know how fed up you are with being a housewife..? Don't feel guilty and don't feel selfish, you're not!
Good luck

Teletubby Thu 31-Jul-03 13:15:41

i was meant to ask 'how do you get over the guilty feelings about leaving your child with a child minder?' did you ever worry that they'd start preferring them to you (i know that sounds really juvenile but i'd hate them to feel more comforted with them than me)

Harrysmum Thu 31-Jul-03 13:23:35

I work part-time and love it - and would go abolutely mad if I stayed at home full-time. Most of it is to do with mental stimulation and adult conversation; I can only do baby stuff for so long and find endless baby chat very dull if there is no alternative (in fact, dh found it so dull when all I had to talk about was ds and asked when I was going back to work so we could have proper conversations again!). Leaving the boys isn't so hard but I deliberately chose a nursery for mine as I felt I had more control and more able to sya this is what I want etc. Whilst they have a fixed key person who looks after them on a daily basis it's not like being in someone else's house with a single childminder who may become more of a "mother" figure. Hundreds of other reasons as well as to why I preferred a nursery environment but that one was important. Happy mummy = happy children.

eefs Thu 31-Jul-03 13:25:49

I don't think you should feel selfish at all - If you get a break from the children for a few day's a week it will make you appreciate and enjoy them more. You will also have some adult company (apart from DH), and it will help you keep things in perspective. I think working part-time would be an ideal solution for you. I can totally understand the need to engage your brain every now and then. Finding that elusive part-time job is another matter.
With regard to the children being with a childminder - I find that I get quite bored entertaining DS all the time and would be quite fustrated with him if I was his sole companion. Between you and the childminder your children would get a lot more attention then they may do now and you may well end up having better quality time with them on the days you are not working. A childminder would never replace their mother.

I think though it's an issue you'll have to work out with your DH. I definitely do not agree that wanting to work is admitting that you can't cope.

oliveoil Thu 31-Jul-03 13:27:23

I get pathetic jealousy when my dd kicks her legs and puts her fat little arms out when she sees my MIL. Pathetic as what would I prefer? That she hated her? This parenting thing is hard.

I also get competitive if she tells me she has done something and go 'er oh yes she did that last week' and lie! Unbelievable.

God help me if she crawls/walks/speaks for her first.

aloha Thu 31-Jul-03 14:04:35

My ds definitely loves me more (and dh and nana) than his nanny, though he's fond of her too. There is simply no competition as far as he's concerned. I've never had a moment's jealousy. I like him having one to one care with her (though he does share her with another little boy on two out of the three days) and she can take him swimming and do things that only work with one carer. I love it. Your dh is being unreasonable and irrational. There is nothing about women than means they 'should' be totally fulfilled by motherhood and nothing else. As I said, throughout the whole of history women have worked and shared the care of their children. There is nothing unnatural about it. I think this may be one decision you have to take whatever his views are.

Jimjams Thu 31-Jul-03 15:37:36

I'm a SAHM (apart from 2 hours week per week on the internet). I can't do more because of ds1 BUT I also need interests outside children and need it use my brain a bit, so I'm studying homeopathy and considering doing some voluntary work suppoing people who are going to Special needs tribunals. (Just deciding whether to spend the extra spare time I'll be getitng in January when ds2 goes to nursery on that or to do extra homeoathy). Wanting something more doe snot make you a bad mother. See if you can find out why your dh doesn't wan you to go? Maybe he doesn't trust anyone else to look after the children?

eefs Thu 31-Jul-03 16:01:56

oliveoil - I have the same issue with my MIL - she'll very proudly and smugly say "DS said xxx today", "DS did xxx for me today". I off-handedly answer back that he said/did that last week already.
I know it's petty jealously, i know MIL just loves DS and would like some of the special moments for herself but I see red when she tries to take away the special moments from me. At the end of the day there should be no competition - no-one would ever replace me in DS's affections (until some wagon comes along to marry him). He loves his childminder too but there isn't the same competion so that relationship is much easier for me.
Anyway, that's besides the point (sorry teletubby), hopefully your children will love your childminder but never to the extent that they love their mother.

kayleigh Thu 31-Jul-03 16:18:53

Teletubby, I work 3 days a week and I admire any SAHM because I don't think I could do it. I love my days at home with my children because I know I don't have to do it every day. And you should not be made to feel guilty because you want more than being at home with your children all day every day. It does NOT make you a bad mother.

My boys go to a wonderful childminder who has had my ds1 since he was 5 months old. He is 5 now. I chose a childminder over a nursery because I think a family environment is better for a young baby, but that is just my opinion.
The first time I left ds1 I cried for an hour. I had left him with what was virtually a complete stranger. But the guilt goes once you know your child is perfectly happy.

There is no doubt both my boys love her, in fact on the way there this morning they were arguing about who loved her most ! And I am extremely happy that they do. How would I feel if they told me they didn't like her ? I know they are happy there and they are safe. And that is what matters to me the most. But the way they rush to me when I pick them up at the end of the day leaves no doubt in my mind that I will always be no 1

PaulaBM Fri 22-Jul-05 11:09:49

I'm a bit demented with my two, aged 8 and 4. They demand my time all the time. My little girl whos 4 can do more in the house than her older brother but is still really demanding on me. If we sit together on the sofa she wants to be on my knee rather than sitting beside me and I feel a bad selfish mum for not letting her. Its usually when we are both tired that we clash.


compo Fri 22-Jul-05 11:12:31

wow, this is an old thread!!

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