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Ex has new woman and it hurts.

(38 Posts)
tametiger Mon 16-Aug-10 17:47:19

Back story here

Bumped into Ex today and he told me is seeing someone else. This someone is 'very sweet and very dear' and I feel as if my heart is breaking all over again. He says they have lots of laughs together whereas I was always down and miserable.
He maintains that the break-up was down to me always wanting my own way and that the dog business was the last straw for him.
For some reason I find I am unable to argue with him or express my point of view clearly as he is able to tie me up into knots. I am no fool, degree educated, professional career, yet this man manages to make me tongue-tied.
Anyway, he is now loved up with this new woman but I am welcome to pop in for coffee if I am around. He says I should be OK about bumping into her or them together and doesn't seem to see that I couldn't bear to see it. He says I should be more grown up about it all.
I feel that I could have tried harder to save this relationship and am blaming myself for all of this. I don't know how to make myself feel better.

hairytriangle Mon 16-Aug-10 17:54:56

so sorry.

I think you really need to get some counselling to help you get over this.

SugarMousePink Mon 16-Aug-10 19:25:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Supercherry Mon 16-Aug-10 19:43:58

Haven't read your back story but from what you have posted here, he sounds like he is deliberately trying to hurt you. Why the hell would anyone want to pop in to meet their ex's new girlfriend? That would hardly be normal would it?

How do you even know what he is saying is true? Sounds like bullshit to me.

Don't let this incident make you sway from yur original decision- because IMO that's all he is trying to do.

Come on lady, be strong.

tametiger Mon 16-Aug-10 19:53:51

Sugar - thanks for the support. I am in despair at my own feebleness. You are right, I deserve a bit more respect but it won't be forthcoming from him.
Supercherry - he told me his new woman's ex husband will be staying with her in a few weeks' time (I don't know why) and that he (my ex) would be going to dinner with them. Apparently this is all very civilised and I am the one with an immature attitude.

SugarMousePink Mon 16-Aug-10 20:23:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msboogie Mon 16-Aug-10 20:37:52

"very sweet and very dear"


he sounds like a twunt.

I wonder how long she will be sweet and dear for? until she makes a decision that doesn't happen to accord with his views, I imagine...

tametiger Mon 16-Aug-10 20:52:14

Have to smile - in all the many years I have been upset/hurt/angered by him I would never have thought of calling him a 'twunt' - so apt.
Thanks everyone.

Morloth Mon 16-Aug-10 21:29:55

He "says" a lot doesn't he? What a shame he is talking out of his arse.

Can you just avoid him? He really isn't worth any of your time.

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 16-Aug-10 21:41:58

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass Mon 16-Aug-10 21:52:03

This man is immature, self-obsessed and vile. He is getting off on the fact that he has the power to hurt you. SO take that power away. Stop contact with him. Tell him that you don't want to have anything more to do with him because he's boring and you can't be bothered (*don't* tell him that he has hurt you. He knows. He isn't magically going to be sorry. He likes hurting you.)
Yes he's horrible and has treated you badly but now you do have to take action on your own behalf and cut him out of your life.

kittya Mon 16-Aug-10 23:40:43

What a nasty piece of work he sounds. As if you are going to drop in for a coffee!! Try and avoid where he goes. How come he gave you so much information? talk about twisting the knife in.

tametiger Tue 17-Aug-10 07:27:20

I know it would be best if I had no sight or sound of him - a few weeks ago I was beginning to feel better. I did wonder why he felt he had to tell me about this new woman - he could have said nothing. Why would someone deliberately want to hurt a person they once cared about? At least it helps me to see that all my reservations about getting re-involved with him were valid. I should have trusted my instincts.

HaworthView Tue 17-Aug-10 07:59:06

He is the immature man. This seems to be something that alot of men love to do. I've had a few ex's tell me immediately after we've split up they are now seeing someone so much, nicer, beter etc. My ex husband told (about 2 months after we separated), that we was now going out with a 'supermodel'. Big stories about parties, her travelling, her agent - the whole bit. Another told me he was now seeing a 'nurse'. He also said this to the last girl that dumped him. It wasn't true. 4 years later he's still single! Anyway, about 3 months after separated from ex husband, I get a call from his girlfriend telling me about some horrible things he'd done to her. He'd pushed her about in a nightclub and she had to get the bouncers to drag him out (typical behaviour from him). Turns out she wasn't a model at all, just a Mum. I said 'sweetheart, he's all yours!'. She promptly dumped him too. Funnily enough, it never bothered me before when my ex's started seeing somebody else. Couldn't have cared less, but I would this time and I don't understand why. I've always been able to move on and not care if they are seeing Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford and Kate Moss all at the same time.

They do it to boost their own ego's. Best way to handle it is say something along the lines of 'very happy for you, all the best' and MOVE ON. There's nothing to say this new woman might also be gone in a few months, so it's really not wasting your time and energy on. However, if it happened to me this time around I think I'd be upset, so not excactly preaching what I would practice!

goingbacktowork Tue 17-Aug-10 08:08:02

some fantastic advice on here for you. What sensible women there are.

You are worth so much more. Complete waste of time even thinking about this waste of space. Think about you, put effort into moving forward and you truly will wonder why you wasted so much time with this idiot in the near future. There are good times ahead!

Kathyjelly Tue 17-Aug-10 08:20:53

Firstly, saying what he did proves he is an insensitive tosser, so you are better off without him.

Secondly, has it occurred to you that he said it in order to wind you up and make you miserable, and it may not actually be true. And he knows he won't get caught out because he also knows you won't pop in for coffee (wtf).

Thirdly, the new girlfriend's ex is coming to stay. Why? Are they planning a threesome? I'd say your ex-boyf is feeling insecure (quite rightly) and he passing it on to you to make himself feel better.

You are better off without this git man on so many levels. God, I hate people who play stupid games. angry

HaworthView Tue 17-Aug-10 08:22:53

I would take anything he say's with a very large pinch of salt!!

SolidGoldBrass Tue 17-Aug-10 09:22:35

Some people really like to rub their XP's nose in it. Occasionally this is because an XP was a twunt (it is quite nice to run into the XP who was obnoxious to you or dumped you when you are looking fabulous and have a fabulous new date on your arm) - the ones who go out of their way to do it and insist on being 'friends' are nasty egotrippers who can't bear to let anyone go, they have to keep making a big deal of how wonderful they are and what a terrible loss it is to you that you are not the Chosen One any more. Basiclaly these people can't bear to be dumped, they think the world revolves around them and have to feel that all their XPs are sobbing into their pillows and will never forgive themselves for ruining their own lives by not being Good ENough for the knobber.
If you ever bump into this dickwad again just smile politely and go 'Oh well we were't right for each other, have a nice life' and walk away. Polite and slightly amused indifference is the best weapon against people like this as it drives them batshit and they then proceed to make utter fools of themselves.

tametiger Tue 17-Aug-10 09:52:48

Part of me can see why he's grown tired of the me and him thing - 2 years now since he asked me what I'd do 'if he made a pass at me'.
He just can't seem to understand that my reluctance to 'commit' to him (well as far as he wanted a commitment) was because he had shown no insight or remorse over the past. All he kept saying was that everything was my fault, that I'd left him when the going got tough (he didn't realistically try to earn a penny for 4 years), that I've brought our son up badly, and so on.
He didn't acknowledge that he had been emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my son, that he had explosive temper tantrums and that he effectively drove me away. I had no home, no money, a part-time job and a 7-year old. Even then he said I would never leave as I 'didn't have the bottle'. But we did.
When it came to the crunch, I just couldn't forget the past even though I had forgiven him and understood how things had got so bad.
All he had to do was say he was sorry about the past and own some of the responsibility.
This is an extremely handsome, clever, amusing, talented and charismatic man and I seem to have become stuck, like an insect on a fly paper.

mixedraceparents Tue 17-Aug-10 10:01:08

He's only a bloke at the end of the day. There's plenty more nice men out there so don't deny yourself the chance to meet someone who really loves you. The feelings you have are a reflection of the love YOU gave out.

Go get your flirt on, get some new clothes a new haircut buy a kitten, do things you enjoy and start enjoying life again. There is much more to life than chasing something you don't want in the first place. If you have no money go on freecycle and see what you can find for free! How about joining a single parents dating site?

Oh and if that's not enough pop in for a coffee looking amazing and being happy that will piss him off! Of course he's trying to make you jealous in the first place hmm.

Go tell him about the amazing man you are now seeing!

Kathyjelly Tue 17-Aug-10 11:17:22

Tiger, from your description, he is a lazy selfish charming scrounger who spent his time goading you and putting you down. He's doing this to you as revenge. That makes him spiteful as well. He's just not nice.

I know sometimes it's hard to see them for what they are but honestly, what kind of an example would you be setting to your DS if you committed to someone you knew would let you down - that really would be bad parenting.

SugarMousePink Tue 17-Aug-10 20:14:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tametiger Wed 18-Aug-10 06:39:52

Lots of good advice here so many thank yous to everyone. I know he is a bully and insecure and I have decided that I am going to avoid seeing him ever again. No need to at all, DS grown up so it's up to him, although he too has been on the receiving end of nasty-knob.
Feeling a bit better today so I will get past this. Also (and I know this is childish and spitful but I don't care I am going to shout it - he has a VERY SMALL WILLY. So there!

Anniegetyourgun Wed 18-Aug-10 16:30:41

grin Attagirl!

I like how "the dog business was the last straw for him". It should have been the last straw for you. Anyone who can be that callous to an animal wants dumping, preferably on his head from a great height; not to even speak of how callous he was to you yourself.

Laughing at HaworthView's exes. During our last few months under the same roof, XH, who, as everyone knows by now, is slightly off his rocker, used to talk a lot about the "little nurses" at his work (yes, he finally did get a job, it only took 25 years). I think he actually did escort one to a works party once. He would refer to anyone under the age of 40 as "young girls", in a slightly lascivious tone. Once I said it sounded a bit paedophilic and he didn't like that one bit. He used to ring up various friends and pretend they were girlfriends, holding the phone close to me and talking loudly, and calling them things like "sexy" - it's a wonder no-one took an injunction out, at least not that I heard of. Strangely, I didn't get jealous at all, just wished he'd talk a bit quieter when I was trying to concentrate on important stuff, like MN and computer games. He didn't realise that he was irrelevant. I just didn't care what he was up to or who with. As long as it wasn't with me <shudder>.

Yeah, he's still single, why do you ask?

tametiger Wed 18-Aug-10 21:19:47

Annie - spoken like a true dog-lover smile. Only smiling 'cause of your first paragraph. Dog first, me next. But I appreciate the thought!

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