Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

[SolidGoldBrass]

YOur DH is being an unreasonable selfish arsehole, sorry. What he is doing is actually close to rape - using threats, even subtle ones, to make you allow him sex you do not want.
OK if you find that shocking, look at it this way. This man is telling you that his needs and wishes are more important than yours, that your body is there for him to have sex on whenever he 'needs' to and that your thoughts don't matter.

Have a little think about the whole of your marriage. Has this man ever done anything that was purely for your benefit? Are you ever allowed to make decisions or choices that inconvenience him or don't fit with his wishes? Or does the whole marriage revolve around you obeying and servicing him, because he's the person in the relationship and you're just a 'woman'.

[NinaJane]

ouch

[Bacofoil]

He is full of shit and I can't begin to tell you how disturbed I am that you are willing to act as his wank sock to stop his bullying.

And what SGB said.

I think he's revolting.

[primrose22]

My immediate thought is, like hell he doesn't masturbate! In my opinion he is just using that as an excuse to guilt trip you into having sex, when he apparently 'needs' it, whether you are willing or not. He sounds like a very selfish individual to me. Of course he masturbates, which is perfectly fine but pushing a tired mother of 4 into having sex, just because he needs the 'release' is certainly not nice behaviour. I hope your ok x

[LindenAvery]

ditto SGB

[SolidGoldBrass]

Ninajane: Sorry for being so harsh but your OP shocked me rigid. Was your H raised in a very sexist traditional family? Is that his excuse for thinking that you are a domestic appliance with tits and a fanjo?
Basically if you sat him down and said, look, I am not here just for your convenience and I will NOT let you fuck me just because you want to when I am tired or feeling ill, do you think you would be able to get him to see your point of view?

[loopyloops]

Totally agree with SBG, sorry :(

[nancydrewrocked]

Your H has a very unusual view.

In fact it is downright unpleasant.

He is trying to pressurine you into sex and has no problem having sex with you when he knows you don't want to and are simply accomodating him. I would be running a mile.

[EekaSqueaka]

He sees porn as a betrayal? Many women on these boards do so too! That isn't wrong although maybe a little unusual.

What is wrong is him pressuring you, after you have made it clear you have no problem whatsoever with him taking matters into his own hands.

Sex is a 2+ player game! Please don't subject yourself to allowing him to do it to you to meet his own needs

[minipie]

"He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day"

This is a load of crap. Erections are not caused by "semen build up". They are caused by blood in the cells of the penis. There is no such thing as semen build up - if there were, lots of men would explode.

I agree with the previous posters. He is trying to guilt trip you into having sex with him when you don't want to. Not nice.

[loopyloops]

Sorry, just had to add, if you're in a place where you can agree to sex when you don't want it just for peace and quiet, something is very badly wrong. If you let him do this then you are effectively allowing him to take more and more liberties. There will come a time when you are totally not ready to accept what he wants from you but the build-up has been so gradual that you can no longer express yourself.
Please have some respect for yourself. You cannot lie back and think of something else just so that he can have some release. What you need to do is explain to him that masturbating is not cheating, and although you may or may not agree with porn, a quick wank in the shower should sort out his little problem.
Incidentally, what have you done over the past few years? Slept with him every other day? No wonder you're tired!

[abbierhodes]

What an absolute, total wanker. I'm lost for words.

[feedmenow]

This sounds like a really odd situation.

I sure as hell would not be agreeing to what you've agreed to! And I think your H is bloody cheeky!

Imagine having sex with someone when you know they don't want to!

Do you think he'd get off on that?

In my opinion, most people would find the fact that the other person didn't want sex a real turn off, and would probably not want/be able to continue!

[EekaSqueaka]

I find that aspect quite worrying feedme.

Ninah, are you ok? Some of this must feel like a real slap in the face but none of it is directed at you.

[differentnameforthis]

Agree with SGB here. He is pressurising you into having sex you don't always want by making lame excuses, that probably aren't even true!

Will he enjoy having sex with you, knowing that your "heart & mind is not in it"? because if so, I worry about his state of mind, thb.

Dh masturbates & it doesn't effect our sex life at all, he knows that I am too tired/worn out sometimes. Saying that, he doesn't every time I knock him back, because he has restraint & doesn't believe it will harm him not to release it!

[sheepgomeep]

ok.. my dp never masturbates, he can't for some reason. he doesn't know why he just seems to have some kind of mental block there. The only way he can climax is through sex BUT he has never once put pressure on me to have sex when I didn't want to which at the moment with 4 kids one 3 months old he doesn't see a lot of action at the mo!

He may be a complete knob! in other ways lol but at least he has respect for me over sex

your dp is horrible

[SirBoobAlot]

Totally agree with SGB. I'm shocked and quite angry that he thinks its okay, and also shocked that you have agreed to have sex with him when you don't want to. You're not a sex toy that he can play with when he wants to, and you shouldn't feel that way about yourself. No one should just agree to have sex to avoid arguments, that should never be the motivation to intercourse.

He is bullying you.

[NarkyPuffin]

OMFG I thought the 'semen build up' excuse was used by teenage American boys to con ignorant girls in the 60s when parking.

What a vile manipulative creature. Like men need porn to masturbate! What a fucking prince to do you the favour of not using porn or wanking- because then he mightn't be arsed to engage in foreplay!

I hope to god this is a wind up.

[ChocolateMoose]

My libido's very low at the moment and my DH would dearly love a more active sex life and return to the 'old me', but he'd think I was mad and be quite insulted if I said 'You just help yourself although I won't enjoy it'. a. he'd think I thought he was a selfish bastard and b. as feedmenow says, it would be a complete turn-off.
(Haven't discussed it recently, but I'm sure he wanks in the shower and nothing wrong with that).

[ButterpieBride]

I find it very hard to believe that any non-traumatised adult doesn't wank. Could you not tell him that if he wanked he would be better in bed? Because that is the best way to get to know his own body.

We all occaisionally make a bit more effort than usual to have sex if we are not very much in the mood but our partner is, but that doesn't mean making yourself into a blow up doll! It means both going more slowly and trying to get you both into an equal state of excitement.

[NinaJane]

There must be something wrong with me then, because I am not at all bothered with him having his way with me, even if I'm not in the mood.

I am curious to find out if other men feel the same way about masturbation as my dh does.

[MIFLAW]

I am a man.

I would say your husband is a liar and/or a freak.

"He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work." I think a line like this was used in "Grease" - it certainly dates back to the 50s!