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Help regarding a mobile number - possible adultery

(116 Posts)
panicandanxiety Fri 06-Aug-10 23:06:49

I have discovered that soon to be exDH has text 1 mobile number an alarming amount.

I have the number of the OW - is there anyway to find out who a mobile number belongs to? He won't be honest and I would like to know who the OW is (in case I know her etc). I would be willing to pay to find out. DH has moved out after being confronted with evidence and said he hadn't loved me for years. Although I have asked him if he still loved prior to getting evidence of his text affair - he said I was imagining things and of course he loved me. I don't blame her I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him, but I would like to know who she is and if possible where she lives. DH says she is a married woman and I think her husband should know what she has been doing. He wouldn't tell me where she lives, but has told me knows the area that she lives in although he denies that he ever met her.

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 10:30:45

Tbh I really would want to know. I wouldn't want to go through life with everyone knowing except me and I would want to know early on so I could divorce and get on with my life. So many people find out about affairs from years before and then think their marriage was a sham and that's because it was. I would want to know, no matter how painful it would be to hear.

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 10:22:59

I don't understand why people wouldn't tell the ow's husband? I know I certainly would! Why shouldn't he know the truth, if he already knew then who cares, if he didn't then at least now he can deal with the cheating rat bag he's had the misfortune to marry or be with.

LeoandBoosmum Mon 02-Sep-13 01:20:21

I second Anyfucker's comments. All the best to you x

MariaLuna Mon 02-Sep-13 01:01:04

Glad it worked out for you OP.

Can't believe someone was advocating violence on this thread!

Anyway, as an aside, I wanted to bring a previous poster's remark up.....

They were married, 1 child, he had an affair with another man.

This is more common than you'd think. I worked for an Aids organisation. It's known as MSM - Men having Sex with Men. (as opposed to solely homosexual).

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 00:50:37

No pressure, OP, of course. x

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Mon 02-Sep-13 00:46:32

Thank you AF and Leavenheath. I will certainly have a look at more threads, I did read some tonight but didn't know where to start with support when someone is still right in the middle of it. But will try.

LB thank too, but I personally do think it could be detrimental to tell people going through this to be kind to each other. Sometimes you just have to be kind to yourself. While I thinking shouting and screaming is pointless - I needed to fully realise how horrendous and manipulative my husband has been. In that situation, I think, you really do actually need a dose of reality.
Should you really be kind to people who do that to you? Some/lots of people could end up being further manipulated due to trying to be kind. For your own sanity sometimes you need to get to the bottom of things. I actually didn't because we were clearly absolutely over, but if we had stayed together then further destruction of some sort would have been necessary for me to get over it. But each to their own I guess.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 00:26:27

LB, this is an old thread smile

LibraryBook Mon 02-Sep-13 00:26:16

DOh. Sorry I only read the first few posts.

LibraryBook Mon 02-Sep-13 00:24:58

Please don't contact the suspected OW or her husband.

Is it impossible that you could forgive an affair, or almost affair? I would give yourself some time to properly consider things before you follow-up with more destruction.

Be kind to each other.

Leavenheath Mon 02-Sep-13 00:22:57

Well done love.

I didn't recognise your thread (was more a lurker than a poster then) but I sure as hell recognise some of the posters who are still spouting the same cruel, victim-blaming shit under a different name these days. I'm sure you can guess why...

Thank goodness you had a few good people around then to challenge some of those horrible posts.

So glad your life is better now and it's really good of you to update as I'm sure there will be people around who remember you.

Good luck in all you do and I wish you nothing but happiness.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 00:04:22

hello, OP. skye tipped me the wink that you updated your thread

I remember you and I recall my shock at how a woman so obviously traumatised was being made to feel worse

anyway, no matter now as you have clearly moved on and it is good to read how you finally got the measure of this "man"

have you seen the thread in Relationships written by posters who are also out the other side of this kind of shit ? A lot of people going through it are getting a lot of comfort there

all the good wishes in the world to you x

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 01-Sep-13 22:53:07

Thank you skyeskyeskye - at least you did what you thought was best. I do still sometimes think I should have told her husband, as I would seriously want to know in that position

All the best for your future too x

skyeskyeskye Sun 01-Sep-13 22:45:40

Thanks for the update, I just read the whole thread before realising it was an old one.

I can't believe how some posters treated you on here, well actually I can, because I hAd some similar treatment in the end sad

It seems that times have changed because when I posted about my XH texting thousands of times, everybody immediately shouted affair and OW.

I did tell my OW's H, as he asked me why I had a problem with his wife. He didn't believe me as XH is his best mate. He believed all their excuses. So sometimes there is nothing to be achieved by telling them.

All the best for the future. Hopefully AF will pop in to see what's going on smile

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 01-Sep-13 22:19:58

Just coming back to update the thread - after years of him delaying the divorce (partly due to having to pay the costs) I have finally been able to apply for my decree absolute this week grin.

I didn't track down the OW; I did feel that I should make her husband aware (as I would want to to know in his position) and I do still have mixed views about this. But in the end I just concentrated on myself and the DCs and made an effort to totally stop worrying about or communicating with DH about 'us', that really was a positive of it being so very suddenly and completely over. Although it did all hurt like hell at the time.

I am much happier without XH and it took a while for me to realise how unhappy I had been with him. Things he does, such as often/always putting his own needs before those of our children (eg not attending any of our disabled sons medical appts for the past 2 years and refusing to pick our DC up from school more than one day a week even on his days off) quickly made me realise that he really is actually a horrible person. Even our DC are much better off not living with that selfish example in my opinion - but they can judge that for themselves when they are older. Maybe he will mature in his 40s confused.

I would backtrack and tell you all the details of the upset and nastiness at the time, but I would just bore myself silly now that is 3 years on all of the 'us' bit feels like a lifetime ago and doesn't bother me anymore.

But thank you to the posters who were supportive - especially AF xxx

kittya Wed 11-Aug-10 23:48:20

Are you any further on OP?

singledomisgood Wed 11-Aug-10 08:21:38

I havent read the whole thread so forgive me if what I say is not relevant!

If OP is being told that her DH hasnt loved her for years and that things were wrong between them, then she wants/needs to know why. She is probably blaming herself and trying to work out what she did wrong. I dont totally agree with snooping but if it helps with closure then why not? But then I dont agree with affairs so why is it ok for the DH to find anothe woman when he decided marriage was over but not for OP to start snooping for answers when she finds out its ended?

I doubt he is giving her the information as to why it is over so she is just needs to clarify things for her own peace of mind.

NetworkGuy Wed 11-Aug-10 02:36:24

panicandanxiety - when it comes to mobile phones, they're so easy to pick up on Ebay for a low cost, with or without a SIM.

I have (over a number of years, I'm not an anorak mobile phone collector!) bought a few Nokia 8310s (small with a sensitive FM radio).

Several have come with SIMs in. However, in many cases, it is easy to get SIMs for free with little or no trace (again via Ebay).

I really wouldn't waste any time on trying to get a trace on the number to identify anyone - it could be unregistered (like the 2 Asda SIMs I have), or registered to a business (without knowing who within the firm is allocated that number). Even if it had been registered, it could be at an address that was last used 10+ years ago (I have 2 Orange SIMs, one dating from 1996, the other from 2001), so you could spend money and have no information apart from a surname and initial and years of house moves to follow.

Also, having seen catwalkers experience, there's just no knowing how any other partner (assuming the OW is married) will react. If the OW's partner decides he will damage your home as a way of 'getting at' your husband, it will be you too that suffers, and no knowing how long it might go on.

Can see why 'being put in the picture' might seem a desirable thing (and anyone who had so-called friends who knew, but left them in the dark, will accept that thinking), but the unknown consequences are just that - unknown.

Sorry things have gone this way - hope you can settle things as amicably as possible.

kittya Wed 11-Aug-10 00:20:43

yes, its like texting, you read it back and think, did I say that?? I wish they had an editing feature on here!!!

I just wish the OP could get some closure, Im not sure she's convinced it was/is an affair and I dont thing her DP is going to give her any answers.

AnyFucker Wed 11-Aug-10 00:14:42

FF, that is very gracious of you x

kittya Wed 11-Aug-10 00:13:06

I bet there isnt one. Im sure these men say that just to make you stay away, appeal to your sensitive side. The OW in my case was definitely single and up for it, even though he told me she was married. I still dont understand the logic in that. I dont understand alot of things when it comes to affairs.....

Follyfoot Wed 11-Aug-10 00:08:54

Have re-read my post and think it came across as really hard on you, and I'm sorry, that wasnt what I meant at all. Things must be really difficult for you right now.

Think what I was trying to say (badly) was being honest with ourselves about the real reasons we do/want to do something is part of the process of moving on. In years to come when this is all a horrible distant memory, it would be good if you didnt have too many regrets about decisions made in the heat of the moment which may have affected other - innocent - people like the husband if there is one.

All the very best and sorry again x

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 23:57:22

Me?? god, Ive been there. Its crap and it can make you think you are losing your mind.

I hope you are alright, OP.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Aug-10 23:45:08

thanks, crack

I thought kittya and I had stepped into a different reality for a while there...

MoreCrackThanHarlem Tue 10-Aug-10 23:34:50

AnyFucker has the wisest and most considered advice fo you, OP

I hope you're ok

But this-

'The OW has not wrecked your marriage you and your DH have wrecked your marriage.
If your marriage was so strong he would not have looked elsewhere.
And at the end of the day these are texts FFS- you don't even have proof he was doing anything.'

Beyond belief.
The op needs to take the blame for her husband's infidelity?
A huge steaming pile of crap, PurplePeony
You don't know enough about this relationship to make that judgement. What a bizarre and cruel thing to say angry

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 23:23:04

I agree with you SGB but, I can understand why the OP would like to know who she is. I dont think its very clear from the original post that he is having an affair and, sadly, he seemed to easily walk away. I just think, if she is married, telling the husband may blow up in her face. Im guessing she isnt even married.

OP, I hope you are ok and I understand how this is making you feel like you are going around the bend. Ive been there and when I finally did see the OW I didnt like what I saw and I still cant get the image of her out of my head, sniggering at me. He just stood there and looked on.

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