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just had it out with mother but feeling bit guilts as she's so old

(9 Posts)
Curiousmama Wed 04-Aug-10 16:39:56

For years my mum has annoyed me, we clash and to be honest I can't spend a lot of time with her.
She isn't that good a nana, never has offered to babysit. Her club night on a Saturday overules everything even my 40th birthday party. In fact when I get married if I have the celebration (we're going away to marry) on a Saturday it's iffy if she'd come!
She always goes to see my sister who is a good bus ride out of town. My brother lives 5 minutes from her and visits rarely. She was 80 recently and he didn't even go over, sent his wife with a card and £10 in it.
I'm the one who visits and invites her over. My sister is lovely but mum never really gets asked there she just goes. If mum visits me it's to get her hair done (I'm a stylist)
So, today I rang her to tell her the latest on my moving in with dp. It's so exciting and we're happy with the village we're going to. Dp and I are busy doing up the house, been decorating and just chose a carpet for boys room today. Also been doing up the loft bedroom so ds1 can use that too.
Anyway, I told her about the carpet and she said 'oh you must've been saving up have you?' in a really off tone. I said well I am careful with my money and dp and I are doing this together. She then got uppity about some other stuff. After that she said she needs her hair cutting. I said I'm going back and forth a lot and maybe she could use a salon this time. You can imagine the response wink So I ended up telling her.... how she never visits unless she wants something but will scuttle through to see sis, how I'm the only one who visits her without went on a bit. She was really cross but then admitted I was right.
She acts so jealous and I find it hard to understand. She doesn't really have any friends whereas I've made and kept some really good friends over the years. She reacts strangely to this too.
I couldn't imagine ever being jealous of my child. If I lived in a box and they were in a mansion I'd be so happy for them...ok may be a bit pissed off grin but even so any mother wants their child to be happy.
No doubt she'll say something to my sis but she knows what mum's like.
Feels good to have told her just her being so old makes me sad. But she's always been like it so it didn't come with age.

Curiousmama Wed 04-Aug-10 16:40:44

meant guilty in title

LucyLouLou Thu 05-Aug-10 15:12:44

It does sound like this was a long time coming, so you shouldn't feel guilty. Clearly, that won't stop you feeling guilty, but you did ask .

Are you not on speaking terms with her now? How were things left?

Curiousmama Thu 05-Aug-10 16:02:36

Hi LLL, we're on speaking terms. I rang her today and she just acted normal. Though she did have a dig because a friend of mine is staying over at my new place on Saturday night. We're going to a local gig and it's easier if she stays over as it's 30 miles away back home for her. Mum thought it a bit off that she's invited and I said mum and sis can come when I get the house sorted. I said yes but the difference being 'friend' has always visited me wink

LucyLouLou Thu 05-Aug-10 22:18:49

I think you may just have to accept there will always be a strain between the two of you. It's difficult to fathom what your mum's actual problem is, but if she remains passive aggressive rather than outright aggressive, it's less of an issue than it could be (although I do realise why it bothers you). Not sure you'll ever resolve it to the point where you'll get a real apology though....

Curiousmama Fri 06-Aug-10 08:14:00

You're right LLL. It's funny because out of all of us 4 I have done the best for myself. I'm the only one who has a trade and I married a good man. Ok so that marriage is over now but we're still on good terms. My dad was aggresive and violent especially when my siblings were young. Although I remember mum running out when he was drunk and threatening and leaving me alone with him. My siblings had moved out.
Really it should be me who has a go at her as I have more to be angry about. But I'm one for letting things go.
My friends say maybe it'll make her think now I've said something? Better late than never maybe? wink

Curiousmama Fri 06-Aug-10 08:18:19

missed an s out there...what was I saying about doing well? wink

LucyLouLou Fri 06-Aug-10 11:19:25

Oh you definitely have a right to be angry, there's no doubt about it. Your mum very clearly failed you. There are elements of my childhood that resemble yours, though the buck stops with my father.

I think you might have done a really good thing in confronting your mum, whether or not it gives her food for thought. I do think you're right with the better late than never....though it might be a case that this soothes your soul rather than improves much in your day to day relationship with your mum.

Either way, best of luck, it's never easy to confront our parents, you did good .

Curiousmama Fri 06-Aug-10 20:49:13

Thanks LLL. Sorry to hear you can see elements you recognise.

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