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Think its all over.

(18 Posts)
hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 16:06:53

I love my husband. Very much. But I am pretty sure that we need to separate.
He and my 2DCs have just left for a good friends family BBQ, I have made my apologies but I can’t be around people at the moment.

We both work, I work shifts and DH is self-employed. We are currently doing a massive house revamp, which is eating all our money. DH has maxed out my visa to pay an overdue builders yard bill as he spent that money on the house. He really has no concept of reality.

Yesterday a good friend of ours asks him if wanted to join him on a 4 day bender abroad at end of august. Cost approx £200. I didn’t think much of it but knew he would want to go. He only knows 2 of the people going, so not like it’s a group of all his mates.
I go out for afternoon and later in the evening find a text on his phone (we have open access to each others phones) saying ‘need to know by 4pm if u can come’ I dint have my phone with me and DH replies, ‘DW is working all weekend, get hold of her, just book it and ill sort it’
He didn’t mention any of this til after I asked him.
I am working that weekend from 7am til 5pm. So that means that the DCS will have to spend 3 nights sleeping out as I don’t really want to be getting them up at 530 every morning to drop them somewhere so I can work then pick them up at 6 to taken them back for bedtime at 8. They are 4 and 6 years.
He thinks this is ok and apparently did a bit of ringing to see whom he could dump the kids on.
Alternatively I can use my 3 days holiday left which I was saving for Xmas.

We are on out arse at the moment due to go on holiday soon, need uniform, shoes, 2 x car taxing. It’s not really that we can’t afford the £200 it’s just that that money is needed for other more important things.

I’m soooo upset. I’m just sick of him making me out to be the one spoiling his life. I never say he can’t go out, ever, but if circumstances don’t make it feasible then it’s my fault
I already declined 2 hen weekends away in the coming months because I ant justify the cost or spare the holiday at work.

Before we went away a month or do ago he was invited to a stag do of one of my friends. He insisted he was going. It was an all day bender from 2pm till 3am next day. We left for the airport at 5am. He got his shorts and t-shirts out and said he was packed.
I spent all day in tears with 2 DCs trying to pack for us all, sort documents out, take cats to cattery, arrange with neighbours to water plants, sort kids flight entertainment out, it was a nightmare, but he doesn’t care.
He wants what he wants and he will get it. He’s not bothered how his actions will make anyone feel, he'll sort that out later, which is usually me being upset then he’ll ignore me, tell me im over reacting and then ill soften up a day or so later.
I really can’t go on anymore, he wants to live like a single man but uses me to wipe his arse for him.
I’m sooo upset for my 2 DCS, I think that’s why im still here, I cant bear to break their heart but I am feeling so down.
We’ve spoken so many times about him doing this and he promises the world, yet we are back in the same situation within weeks.
Don’t really know what to do? Cant stop crying.

Can you give me a sense of perspective. Am i overeacting?
Hes already said its PMT

purpletrees Sat 31-Jul-10 16:16:23

Without trivialising your problems, they sound like fairly "common" ones that could be solved if both of you were totally committed to admitting them and solving them. I can see that is difficult as your DH wants to lead the life of a bachelor when it suits him. My DH is the same so I do understand how difficult it is and my marriage is very far from perfect.

You aren't overreacting, but consider the alternative - divorcing and having to send your 2 kids to him and his new woman for the weekend (or whatever). Him being lazy as usual and a different woman putting your kids to bed. More financial stress due to running 2 households. With kids that age (mine are 4 and 2 so a bit younger than yours), I think there is time and room to improve stuff. I hope so anyway.

unavailable Sat 31-Jul-10 16:21:00

You have so much on your plate at the moment and he is abdicating his share of the responsibility. I dont think you are over reacting - you must be exhausted and very stressed out and he is being very selfish.

TanteRose Sat 31-Jul-10 16:21:50

agree with purpletrees - it doesn't have to be over...although the comment about your having PMT would piss me right off....

You say that you are really struggling money-wise, but you write that you went on holiday a month ago, and are due to go off somewhere again soon??

I think you both need to sort out the finances.

He should really cancel the 4 days away though - just because of the childcare problems.

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 16:25:14

thats the thing tho, were in a cycle, he does these things, i go mad, i calm down and we are ok then he does it again. He lost a pair of sunglasses last week with his friend. Friend said he was going mad. Why? I wondered. DH had gone mad as they were £250 designers glasses. He told me they were £30 knock offs.
He told me he got some bargin deal on ipad accesories and it was mad not to get them. yesterday i found the receipt. He paid full price for them and handed over the right money. Then tries to tell me he didnt realise hed been charged full amount.

The point is he will lie, say whatever he need to, to get his way. hes no concern for the consequences, hes just not bothered.
looking back, he has a history of this type o thing, very early on he bought a motorbike helmet, told me it cost £50. No problem, his brother told me it was over £400. And then we had no money at all. But he got what he wanted.

youngblowfish Sat 31-Jul-10 16:25:33

I have to say that I found your post confusing at times, perhaps because you are obviously distressed. But from what I understand, you just don't see eye to eye with your DH on certain issues. Sounds trivial, but actually problems in communication and understanding each other can be one of the most serious relationship issues (abuse aside).

You seem very worried about everything that is going on and it seems that you take on all the responsibility. I would do one of two things:
1) Just wait for the redecoration to finish and for the rough patch to pass. Try to get some perspective, have a bath, do whatever it takes to calm down and then think about whether the problems you are experiencing are chronic and keep recurring, or if it temporary stress to do with the house revamp. When we got the bathroom and kitchen done recently, I had quite a few not-so-pleasant exchanges with DH, because it was so stressful.
2) Think about marital counselling. If DH is resistant, as most of them are, then you can go yourself. It always made a massive difference for me and it can change a dynamic within a relationship even if you are the only one going.

For what it is worth, I certainly don't think your marriage is beyond repair and you need to split now. Keeping my fingers crossed and I'd offer you a glass of wine too .

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 16:29:18

we do need to sort out the finances. he has no concept of what needs paying. He earns more than me (and dont i know it) but he gets paid in his hand so when i ask him for money for the bills, hes 'giving me his money'. My wage goes in and straight out to cover main bills and there is none left for shopping etc.
We have a drawer with all bills in, he doesnt think that this drawer is anything to do with him.
Thats what i mean, he come in, asks whats for tea, will help put DCS to bed then hes doing what he wants to do.
Im off in the day cleaning, looking after kids, sorting OUR stuff out, then when he gets in usually off to work for the night.

youngblowfish Sat 31-Jul-10 16:31:00

Just read the other posts - do you have a bit of a child-parent relationship going on with your DH or does he behave that way only with money?

BTW, my very own DH always claims that people only fall out over two things - sex and money. I think he has a point, because they most often become replacements for something else, i.e. luxurious items being mistaken for affection, cars and gadgets being a symbol of masculinity, etc.

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 16:31:20

I just wish he would put us and his family first.

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 16:33:06

YBF - His mum, who is lovely, has a partner who runs around like a maid for her. He is very much and actually thinks its quite funny

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 16:35:19

sorry, very much like her

youngblowfish Sat 31-Jul-10 16:38:40

hoppershoper, I had a little chuckle about your lovely MIL and her partner/maid . But on a more serious note, we all work out a different dynamic with our partners. Sometimes one behaves like a child and then the other feels as though they have to be an adult. It is natural and, IMO, fairly harmless, as long as one of the parties does not feel taken advantage of or just simply worn out by constantly being the only one to take on responsibility.

How do you feel about giving counselling a go? It might help you to see your position from a different perspective and allow you to change the dynamic of your marriage.

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 16:45:55

I guess we do have an adult/child relationship, and yes i do feel very much taken advantage of. i often joke that i have 3 children, but i am really worn down with it all tbh.

Not sure about counselling, i dont feel that i am in the wrong, and i would find it difficult to speak about my marriage in RL. i think im just embarrassed.
Im fed up him trivilising my feelings. The whole OMT thing, he thinks its all me, being a cow and not letting him do what he wants to do and being upset cos its TOTM. Ands it not.

youngblowfish Sat 31-Jul-10 17:10:53

hoppershopper, counselling really is not for people who are in the wrong in the relationships. Going to see somebody is not about admitting that you have failed, it is trying to find a solution to a situation which just keeps rearing its ugly head. I find it immensely comforting to have a place in rl where I can go and voice my concerns without being told what to do and without the fear of being judged. I often think of it as my mental gym. If you want to be fitter, you train your body to be able to do more. So when I want to start thinking differently and break some behavioural patterns, I try to change my mindset with counsellor's help. It is not a magic wand, but works for me. But enough about me .

As for your situation, it is getting worse with time, isn't it? No doubt he thinks of you as the spoil-sport when you just worry more and more and more about how on earth you're going to be able to pay the bills? You tell him off, he does the same thing again. He cannot associate with your reasons for 'spoiling his fun' and you cannot for the life of you understand why he is being so irresponsible. The point is, trying to place blame on one or the other is not productive. What would be productive is searching for a solution.

What would you want your ideal outcome to be? Do you have an idea of how you'd like your DH to behave? It helps to have a fairly clear vision of what you want to achieve long-term. One of the biggest issues for me is the fact that when I fall out with DH, I am too upset to think about ways of preventing stressful situations. It is so easy to just be really angry about it and once the emotions subsided, to forget all about what caused the argument in the first place. But some problems just stay there and simmer below the surface for years. Think about how you would like to change your relationship when you are not upset and then you can consider ways of getting there.

PollyTechnique Sat 31-Jul-10 17:12:35

Can you work out some boundaries on spending money?

Have separate accounts and a shared one for bills, i.e draw up a more formal set of financial obligations that you are both expected to stick to.

That way he can have very limited money for leisure/extras and he'll be less temption and opportunity to be irresponsible.

I know he needs a fundamental attitude shift, but at least this would give some structure and accountability for his behaviour.

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 17:36:14

YBF - what i would ideally want is for him to act like a gorwn up.

He has zero interest in anything, he doesnt really even know where we are going on hols - only a caravan somewhere, but still, he thinks that i am the one who will sort everything out and if he need to know anything he can ask me.
he never wants to think for himself, and if i dont do everythink for him in the hope that he will sort himself out, he just ignores it too to the point where i HAVE to pick up again otherwise we wwill be in a mess.

hoppershopper Sat 31-Jul-10 17:38:21

Polly - he makes me feel bad about the bills, he wont go to the bank and put money in the bills acount, he'll hand it over to me then say hes giving ME all his money, then question me when its gone. (On shopping, stuff for kids, petrol new tyre etc) Boring stuff but he makes me feel like ive been to Harvey Nicks and bought a handbag or something.

youngblowfish Sat 31-Jul-10 17:57:14

I'm afraid acting like an adult might not be specific enough for him to understand. Most likely, it will mean completely different things to you and him. What would you like him to do in more specific terms? Pay for gas and water? Plan your next holiday? Take initiative to take you on a weekend away?

As for the money issues, I think that Polly's ideas are good, but take care not to undermine him when you are planning the finances. You mentioned how you often joke that you have 3 children. He might find it belittling and therefore act even more childishly (by spending excessive amounts of money on gadgets, for example, to assert his independence). Also, be prepared that he will not like it at first, because up until now it was all HIS money.

But I think that, if you are honest with him and explain all the reasons why you need him to take on more responsibility, he just might. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Clearly, he is capable of holding down a job, so he has to be capable of taking on some family responsibilities. I think you may not trust him to get anything done, and perhaps with good reason. As you said, you need to step in to avert disasters. But that way he will never learn and this will frustrate you until you are in your 70s. It will not be easy, but why don't you try to give him a project/allow him to pick one and then just let him get on with it? If he does not plan it properly, it will be entirely his responsibility. You can just sit back and watch. Why not put him in charge of an aspect of the redecoration? Let him talk to the builders (they are usually sexist pigs and it is better to have a man deal with them anyway IME - sorry to all the lovely builders who are not, please give me a call, I still have a few building issues to sort out), be in charge of finances while you take the DDs off somewhere. Could that work? The whole process will be intensly frustrating to you and you will want to step in pretty much every two hours. There will be times when you will think that stuff will never get done. And perhaps it won't, but you won't know until you try and IMO it is the only way to change his behaviour.

And before I go:
How to Argue Constructively

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