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i've started seeing somebody behind abusive dp's back

(26 Posts)
whowhatwhere Fri 30-Jul-10 16:55:06

Have namechanged.

DP and I have had a very intense, difficult relationship from the start. He has lots of anger issues and our personalities are quite incompatible. Many times he has been quite seriously physically abusive with me and having a child together a year ago hasn't changed that a whole lot - it's less often but still every couple of months and he's no bothered about being aggressive/violent in front of DS.

Other issues we have always had are his domestic laziness, he works inconsistently and is out of work for months at a time and when he does get paid he spends most of his income on himself. He thinks I should spend all my savings on us living beyond our means. He smokes a lot of weed. He's good deep down but can't control himself sometimes and also can be extremely verbally abusive. Just this morning he called me a 'retard' and a 'spastic' about five times simply because I couldn't find my phone. "Go on", he said, "say 'I'm a retard', say it to me!" Classic abuse stuff. No wonder I've had no self-esteem these five years we've been together.

Anyway, around six weeks ago I met somebody else on a night out. I don't know what came over me. I wanted to break away from DP in my heart/actions and I was SO drunk and I went home with a friend of my best friend. She fell out with me about it because they had slept together once before. I could lose her friendship if she knew what happened that night and what is happening now. I had an amazing night with him - it was genuinely more than just sex. We bonded. We lay for hours afterwards with him kissing me all over my face, telling me he wanted to be with me, telling me how incredible I am.

I felt terrible but after a while we got in contact over facebook. I ended up meeting him in a hotel recently, pretending I was going to work. We didn't even have loads of sex, we just talked and stared into each other's eyes. In a way it feels like he was sent to me for a reason. He told me that his dad used to beat his mum when he was a child and it has stayed with him. He talked about the impact it had and obviously I drew parallels with my son. He loves cooking, he cleans, he has the same attitude to money as I do, he works with mentally disabled children...he just seems more 'me'. He has a placid and caring nature. He wants to take me to Paris for the weekend and even assumed that we would bring my son on this romantic trip.

God. I know what I have done/am doing is terrible. And maybe these feelings are rebound feelings. But I LIKE him. And I haven't liked anybody else for so long. And he makes me feel so good about myself and I feel at ease with him considering I hardly know him.

What should I do?

Nienna Fri 30-Jul-10 17:01:09

Gods, what can I say? I have a huge mess myself, but what your partner puts you through is unthinkable. I am glad you found this person. But please, please,be careful. You live with a time bomb. If you leave him it has to be because it is thebest for you and your son, not because you met xyz person. That is a bonus. Have you thought of leaving him before? are you financially independent? do you have family to support you nearby through the difficult time it entails to leave a partner?
I wish you all the best , think carefully, be careful and have a happy life. Both you and your son. Here is a big hug.

whowhatwhere Fri 30-Jul-10 17:06:22

Thank you

I have thought about him leaving him over and over. Sometimes I have actually gone through with it, which invariably involves the police. But like a lot of abusers he is intensely charismatic and when he is good, he is great - so it's a cycle that I've struggled to get out of. I fall back into it every time. Through loneliness perhaps. Wanting to believe things will get better because I'd never had that kind of interest in somebody before - all-consuming.

I'm lucky in that I am entirely financially independent - I have the money, it's my house. I do have a little family nearby who would support me but being with this new man might mean losing a very good friend, maybe temporarily anyway.

LIZS Fri 30-Jul-10 17:08:44

Tehre are no excuses for how he has behaved towards you but you really need to take control fo the situation. Make plans to leave, preferably with support of your friend and any family, find a refuge if needs be and set up an independent life. Avoid running straight into this man's arms as that will only fuel your dp's anger and he may not be so attractive a proposition once the dust has settled. If you do you may just find yourself trapped once more, so you need to have had a time on your own to think about all your options. Good luck

vintagewarrior Fri 30-Jul-10 17:51:43

Please don't be too hard on yourself, kick oh out and date new man, seriously what have you got to lose??
I did with hubbie, over 10 years of bullying finally pushed me to meet someone else. Which in turn gave me the confidence to leave. You'll get judged pretty harshly on here probably, but horses for courses. I personally think your oh deserves it x

BaggyAgy Fri 30-Jul-10 18:03:07

Whatever else you do, leave your physically abusive man. It is so harmful for your DS and for you. Your child may well grow up to believe abuse is the norm and become abusive or accept abuse. Why should you accept an abusive relationship? If the new man had abusive parents, he may also have issues.

Your friend will hopefully want what is best for you, and come to see sense. If you have the chance of happiness, don't let it pass. But whatever you do, don't tolerate an abusive man.
Good luck, you deserve it.

ItsGraceActually Fri 30-Jul-10 18:27:33

WWW, I'm quite pleased for you that you've had these lovely times. However, I have to tell you I don't trust your new man any more than I like your husband, based on what you've told us. It's not just about him sleeping with a married woman - it's the intensity and his empathy with your abuse. Huge red flags are flying full-mast.

If this has focused your energies on leaving your bad marriage, so much for the good. Chuck your H out and bolt the door. After that, you really need some time on your own and some therapy.


gettingeasier Fri 30-Jul-10 18:43:23

ditto what itsGrace said . Also sorry but you should split up before having a relationship with someone else.

Good Luck

secunda Fri 30-Jul-10 18:45:23

I think if someone's a dick to you then they lose the right to your fidelity, so I wouldn't be bothered about that. But I agree with Grace

loopyloops Fri 30-Jul-10 18:52:59

You know you want your husband to leave, so ask him to. This weekend. Out! You've given him enough chances, you've been thinking for a long time and you're not prepared to put up with it any more.
"Is there someone else?" Difficult one. But get rid of DH.

Take things very slowly with the new man. Take care.

BertieBasset Fri 30-Jul-10 18:55:29

I have to say that while I did have an emotionally abusive partner, he was never physically abusive.

It took me meeting someone else to leave him, to have the confidence I guess that anyone else would want me.

I did leave him, and new guy was just what I needed. Until I realised he wasn't for me (incredibly dull bless 'im) and I had some time on my own.

I understand why people are saying you need to be alone. And while I would usually agree, your DP sounds a nasty piece of work - and you need to get rid of him by any means necessary. If that is having someone in the wings giving you a bit of bravery then so be it.

I am assuming you don't intend to move new chap in anytime soon, I would keep your independence but see new guy on a casual basis to start with.

And in your post you say dp is good deep down. No - he's horrible deep down. Him being mean is his personality, he's nice when he wants something or thinks he's pushing you too far. Be prepared for another charm offensive when you tell him to go.

Lots of luck

OrmRenewed Fri 30-Jul-10 18:57:12

I don't understand why you are still with OH? If you aren't financially bound to him in any way. Are you hoping new man will be knight on white charger? He sounds a bit OTT to me hmm Sorry. Can't you get rid of OH on your terms?

SolidGoldBrass Fri 30-Jul-10 19:01:25

Get rid of your H. He;s a shitbag and won't change.
But consider your new man a catalyst rather than your future saviour. It is often the case that the best way to help an abused partner leave the abuser is for someone else to pay attention to the victim and make her feel she is, actually, worth something. Get rid of H, tell the new man (nicely) that you need some time to get your head straight, some time to yourself with your DC. If new bloke is worth keeping, he will back off and wait. If he starts stropping and demanding you start a relationship with him immediately, fuck him right off as he's just another flavour of abuser.
Best of luck. At least you can see the way out of the current cage.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch Fri 30-Jul-10 19:14:05

As everyone has said, your priority is to get rid of your abusive h. Once you've done that and you feel secure and confident in yourself, then you can move on.

I agree with what grace said completely. Your description of him sounds rather... Intense. If he's he lovely bloke you think he won't mind waiting until you and ds are settled.

Be very careful. Coming out of an abusive relationship your radar for losers will be crap and you will be vulnerable to being manipulated by a new lose.

A new man shouldn't 'fill a hole' they should be an additional pleasure. Make sure it's a case of wanting him rather than needing him.

whowhatwhere Fri 30-Jul-10 19:29:41

I seem to bring out intensity in men! Or maybe it's the ones I pick. I didn't pick this guy though - it just happened. It was so surreal. He does sound very intense doesn't he...he said he didn't expect to see me again, he says he doesn't want to pressure me - and he hasn't. Shamefully, it was me that said I wanted to see him again. He says meeting me was a bit of a dream and seemed a bit too good to be true.

He only told me about his father when I met him at the hotel. We didn't talk about it at length. I asked how he felt he could be a part of that and not absorb some of it but he said it was so horrifying it repelled him. His dad died when he was 4 so then the abuse ended. I sat there making excuses my P, saying "oh, sometimes I can be feisty...", and he said there were never any excuses.

Getting P to leave isn't that straight-forward - he would just literally refuse to go. I would have to secretly call the police. God, I am so scared of the explosions this will cause.

RuthieCohen Fri 30-Jul-10 19:33:32

Do you feel that you can be by yourself for a while and find your self-esteem again instead of getting into another relationship? Only you can mend the hurt inflicted by your current partner, a new man will just cover the cracks.

I'm not saying that you should cut all ties with this new fella but as others have said it all sounds a bit intense.

lowenergylightbulb Fri 30-Jul-10 19:34:55

Agree with Grace. New man rings alarm bells.

And to be blunt, if you can find the nerve to arrange clandestine meetings with new man than you CAN leave your partner.

Good luck.

SweetGrapes Fri 30-Jul-10 19:49:55

Leave your H because you want to leave him.
And set yourself up independently first.
If OM is still supportive and around and sparks still flying then go from there...
All the best smile

SweetGrapes Fri 30-Jul-10 19:52:40

sorry, not H (D)P

msboogie Fri 30-Jul-10 23:11:32

I'd like to be able to say that you have gone from the frying pan to the fire

but you haven't even done that

you are still in the fire and now you're on the frying pan as well

New man rings alarm bells. Big time.

as does;

"I seem to bring out intensity in men!"

No love, you are attracted to fuckwits. That's the sort of self-deluded twaddle I would have told myself when I was in my 20s.

Dump old man - for fuck's sake.

And give new man a very wide berth.

Then concentrate on sorting your head out, for the love of god.

sparkle10 Sat 31-Jul-10 11:49:59

I left an abusive man and I just want to tell you the worrying about what will happen if you leave is 100 times worse than the actual leaving.

I went via the police, go and make a statement...once you make that move everything will start to fall into place, and hopefully eventually you'll be truly happy.

Meeting this new man is probably the kick up the bum you need to do it.
Good luck.

LIZS Sat 31-Jul-10 11:55:37

Agree - allow this man to be a catalyst to finally ending it with P, you can be confident there is better for you out there (not even necessarily NM) but you need to clear the decks first. Get him out, contact police and make it final. Stop romanticising this "relationship", possibly anything will seem that way after an abusive one, and allow yourself and dc time to move on.

notasillysausage Sat 31-Jul-10 12:02:07

I was with a 'man' for five years, who used to hit me, kick me, spit at me, the list goes on. I could never summon up the strength to leave, I used to split up with him then always end up going back as I had it in my head I would never find anyone else (wonder who put that idea there). Then on a night out, I met a man who told me that if my then partner did not tell me everyday how much he loved me I should leave. I went on a date with this guy the next week, we didn't kiss or even say we would be seeing each other again, but I felt strongly for him. I suddenly realised if I could feel this way about anyone else, why was I with such an abusive prick. I rang him and ended it. The guy I met in the club is now my DH and we have never looked back.
Sorry for rambling on, I guess what I am trying to say, is that you should leave him. Even if this new relationship doesn't work out, there WILL be others. Everyone deserves happiness. You only have one life, don't waste it with someone who would have such disregard for you and his own son.
If I can leave so can you xx

ValiumSingleton Sat 31-Jul-10 12:07:38

I agree with the poster who says that if you have the nerve to arrange clandestine meetings with your new man you have the courage to leave the abusive partner. I know I would have been far too terrified to risk that.

But luckily I finally channelled whatever strength I had left into leaving. I hope you do the same.

Make your life simpler, calmer and freer. Don't make a bad life even more complicated.

porcamiseria Sun 01-Aug-10 09:40:40

I think that this is the impetus you need to leave, you are financially independant.

BUT dont assume new man is saviour, he might not be. act like you are single

good luck

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