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Relationships

So many utterly ridiculous problems with communication and trust. Very long and rambling but I'd really appreciate some advice.

31 replies

starsareshining · 22/07/2010 20:43

There have been many, many problems. We've only been together for about a year but he was my best friend for seven years before that. Absolutely incredible person, unlike anybody else I've ever met. Had some doubts about it before we got together because he was only 21 and still a student whereas I was a young single parent. He obviously thought that he'd be able to cope with this so we got together. It's also a long distance relationship as he has been unable to find work (had nearly always been a long distance friendship anyway), which does make everything more difficult.

I suppose we'd sort of been having a 'relationship' for quite some time anyway. We were definietly very close and he'd liked me for a long time but there'd always been something else going on and neither of us were brave enough to just come out and say something. He finally did, but then it all went very wrong. He made a huge, terrible mistake which is very complicated and difficult to explain but if I was going to loosely describe it then I'd say he cheated on me.

I suppose I'll need to focus on one problem at a time here but it's all so confusing and messed up that I don't know how to concentrate on one thing without involving another. Basically, I'd say that mentally, over the past four years or so, I haven't been too great but am definitely feeling a lot better these days. This meant that I wasn't able to deal with it all properly and swung from sobbing/screaming/ignoring/joking about it. We both have various other 'issues' and it's all just been a bit of a mess.

I don't think that he's ever intentionally hurt me but a lot of the things he's done have been awful. And now I'm struggling with talking to him or sorting anything out. When we were just friends he respected me, cared about what I had to say and seemed to be bothered by things which were upsetting me. Now it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall and I know that he hasn't always been like this but I think he's become immune to me talking about 'feelings', 'our relationship' or 'communication'. I really don't know how to sort out these problems. I'm sick of the sound of these words too. They seem to gush out of my mouth all too frequently.

Two things have happened today so, instead of going through our whole history, I'll describe them to you.

Firstly, a few days ago we made an agreement to not use our laptops during the day when my son is awake as it is boring for him and can get out of hand with us spending too long on there. (He comes to see us some weekends so it's either a phone relationship or full on every hour of the day thing which I really don't like. No normality.) He agreed with me, but today I walked into the living room to find my son in front of the tv and my partner on the laptop. He clearly wasn't interested in discussing this with me. (Has told me that he feels forced into these discussions I have but I know that if it was up to him he'd never ever talk about anything and just brush it all under the carpet. There would never be a right time for him to discuss things. He thinks it mad that I do this and is convinced that it doesn't happen in other relaionships). I think I probably was a bit over the top since he'd hardly used the laptop since he got here but I kept pushing it and telling him that I thought it was out of order for him to agree to it and then change his mind the next day. As always, he was very obstructive and would not focus on what I was saying. He told me that I'd been on the laptop a lot (which I hadn't) and then told me that I'd been on the mom forum and asked how many threads I'd read, how many pages I'd read of the thread and then refused to believe what I told him. He's very smug when he's doing this too. Just going on and on and avoiding what I was saying which was really very simple. He told me that I didn't have a leg to stand on. I was really annoyed at the way he was speaking to me and just refusing to listen to anything I said and completely lost my temper and told him to leave my house. Completely failed discussion.

He ended up not leaving. So, later on my son threw up. I ran off to get something to clean him up with and asked him to pick him up and sort him out. He said no because he wanted to phone an office before it closed (is worried about not having a job and was very stressed as the office was about to close) and then, reluctantly, moved him away from the sick but left him crying on the floor. I was absolutely disgusted at this and sorted it all out myself. At one point, I needed him to go and give his hands and face a wash and he sighed and stormed off to do it. When I told him that I was really not happy about it he said 'Do we have to do this now?'. I left it for a while and brought it up again. It was like talking to a robot. It's often like talking to a robot these days. He didn't volunteer any information about how he felt about it or whether he was sorry. It turned out that he did feel bad about it and saw that it was a terrible thing to do, but he only told me that because I specifically asked him those questions. He will answer direct questions but other than that doesn't see the point in talking about it. I have to ask him whether he's going to apologise and whether he regrets doing it. It's not a one-off, any time I mention how I'm feeling about our relationship he just says 'Right....' or 'Ok then' and that's it. He doesn't respond. Just acknowledges that I've spoken. I then have to ask questions such as 'Do you have anything to say about that?' to get anything out of him. It's like he's completely detatched from what's going on and sees it in an entirely clinical way. I don't think that's really an appropriate way to react when your girlfriend is telling you that something you're doing it upsetting her. He also refuses to discuss anything more than once, even if I still don't feel comfortable with it. And I just think it's not difficult to understand that every now and then your girlfriend may still want reassurance after you've cheated on her, even if you've done it before.

When I tried to tell him this today he looked mildly amused and then told me that I was bizarre, that he'd never come across anybody who thought like me and that it wasn't normal. How can it be abnormal to want a bit of reassurance or explanation or concern instead of having to probe someone for information?? He's not being nasty, he really believes that he's right and I don't understand it. He wasn't like this before but since all of the crap that's happened it's as though he can't connect with what I'm saying and can't be emotional about it or even act as though he's involved in it. I get so frustrated with all of this that I just end up crying everytime I'm in this sort of situation (which is frequently) and I get so angry at myself because I can't think/talk clearly and he sees me as a silly, hysterical woman. I sometimes feel like I'm an elderly patient of his, someone who needs to be treated with a bit of care and just humoured. I hate it. It makes it difficult to believe anything he says because i'm having to put words into his mouth or ask him whether he wants to apologise to me. I used to be quite a strong person and I feel like a pathetic, weak woman. He hasn't exactly created that but I know that he sees me in a different way now. Being weak and pathetic isn't exactly attractive, is it?

I don't really know what I'm asking. There's a lot more to all of this but I know that this message is now ridiculously long, so I'm sorry if I've left things out or have to clear things up in another message. Please, please help me because I feel as though I'm going mad.

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buttonmoon78 · 22/07/2010 20:53

Phew. I made it - that's one hell of a long post! I know that often there's a lot of negatives when you write stuff like this down. The positives seem to get a bit forgotten! But it seems like this man you describe as your best friend seems to be behaving like a bit of a git to me.