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tell me what you think about this (bit long, sorry)

(46 Posts)
mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 21:42:33

I come from a small family. I used to be very close to my mum's brother (he's only six years older than me), so though he's my uncle, he was always more like a brother.

When I got married two years ago, my mum caused a lot of trouble. To cut the story short, she wasn't happy about not getting her own way over the arrangements. She started bad-mouthing me to my uncle, occasionally telling out and out lies to get him to side with her. Unfortunately, he believed her lies and he fell out with me before the wedding.

He did come to my wedding, but gave me dirty looks all day and left at 8pm (unlike him). He and his wife also did not give us a wedding present, which is also unlike them.

Last year, my mum decided she wanted to be friends with me. She admitted to me that she had told lies to my uncle, but refuses to believe that this is why he fell out with me (there's no other reason I can see). She promised me she would admit the same to my uncle. I doubt she ever had the courage to tell him she had been telling lies about me.

I have never seen or spoken to my uncle since I got married (May 2003) but have continued to send birthday cards to everyone in their house, presents for their children etc. They have continued to send me a birthday card (always late) but have always forgotten my dh's birthday

When I had my first child last month, my uncle and his wife completely ignored her birth. This is despite my husband and I having gone to inordinate lengths to make sure we celebrated the birthdays of all three of their children for the last 15 years. Most recently, their son turned 18, so we sent him a card with £50 in it.

I can kind of take their behaviour. I mean, I can rise above it, though I have decided that I've sent my last birthday card to their house, I think their behaviour is disgraceful.

What I can't take is my mother, who continues to act as though nothing has happened, is always telling me that she's been round to their house, despite the fact she apparently feels "upset" about them ignoring my daughter's birth. I've just come off the phone to her now - she's seen them today and was merrily telling me where they are going on their holidays next week.

Sometimes, I feel so angry with my mother I can barely speak to her. I feel uneasy leaving my daughter with her, knowing my uncle and his wife may pop in to have a look at the baby (who, obviously, they have never seen). I think they should come to see me if they want to see my baby.

How can I explain to my mum that her "disloyalty" makes me feel upset?

Dior Sat 20-Aug-05 21:49:17

Message withdrawn

moondog Sat 20-Aug-05 21:49:19

God,this is all a bit complicated. Not surprised you are upset. Don't you think the issue is more with your uncle than your mother? (Your earlier posts suggest that you despaired of her long ago.)

Can't you tackle your uncle alone and ask him what the f* is going on?

mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 21:52:18

I sat up thinking about this one night last weekend. I couldn't sleep, it was running through my mind, so I got up at about 4am and wrote him a letter.

In the morning, I just thought, well, I'm not sure he would even understand what I've written (how can I say this...he isn't the brightest of sparks). I'm genuinely not sure if he could actually read the letter properly.

In any case, I've had about enough of him. I really have no interest in having him in my life after the way he has treated me. It just hurts me that my mum continues to act as though nothing has happened

moondog Sat 20-Aug-05 21:54:02

I know that I don't know the ins and outs of this,mogwai,but it sounds very much as if you would like him in your life as he has obviously been an important part of it up until now.

charliecat Sat 20-Aug-05 21:55:30

I think you need to get your mum to tell him she lied.
Then maybe ask him out for a drink or round to see the baby? Some talking needs to be done.

mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 21:58:02

that's the thing, Moondog. He was always there when I was growing up, he even taught me to ride a bike. I loved him to bits.

But his behaviour during and since the wedding has made me think differently of him. To put it into perspective, he will be 40 next year and my dh and I were going to save up some money and send him and his wife on a nice holiday (to australia). His wife promised to keep it a secret so it could be a nice surprise, but she later told him all about our plans, and he was livid (confused emoticon required)!

He thought our gesture was "thoughtless" ????
HIs wife resented "being asked to keep secrets from her husband"

So you see, I really don't think I want them in my life, I thought I knew him, turns out I didn't

mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 21:59:32

sigh

my family are f*ckwits

Pruni Sat 20-Aug-05 22:02:50

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mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 22:06:09

ok, have had one brandy and one vodka now (as both bottles are now empty . Feels better already.

Pruni, yup, they are loonpants. Big Sigh. I should probably learn to distance myself. It's hard when you have a baby though, cos you need the help, and cos you want your baby to have a granny, eh?

Pruni Sat 20-Aug-05 22:08:06

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mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 22:09:47

hmm

she would definitely comply (she does anything I say now that I have a baby and she wants to see her, having spent years being dreadful to me - talk about the boot being on the other foot!)

Actually, Pruni, I think she would feel guilty, yes. She must know, deep down, that she's the cause of it all

mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 22:10:39

(I've poured you a large vodka, by the way)

Pruni Sat 20-Aug-05 22:12:30

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moondog Sat 20-Aug-05 22:14:41

Mogwai,judging from your past posts,you've done considerably better than the rest of your family.Is this a source of contention?
The oz idea was lovely but might it have made him feel helpless and unmanly? What about his wife (or even the oldest kid?) Could they throw some light on things?

Twiglett Sat 20-Aug-05 22:15:47

I think you need to write that letter to him and tell him how much he meant to you as a child and how confused you have been by his contempt in the last 3 years.

Let him know that you are aware that your mother has told him some lies about you, and how hurt you are that he would believe them so easily. Tell him your mother has promised to come clean but you are aware that as yet she hasn't

And send it

if you think about it, your relationship can't really get any worse so what have you got to lose by doing it? And at the very least you'll have a cathartic experience

Twiglett Sat 20-Aug-05 22:17:04

as an aside a trip to australia as a birthday present for an uncle? .. wow that's huge .. I wouldn't even do that for my parents

Chandra Sat 20-Aug-05 22:19:45

MOgwai, I'm not quite sure I understood correctly but have you have send them cards, gifts, and were even planning to send them on a holiday? and in return they are ignoring the birth of your baby???

If so, that people don't deserve your attention, what do they want you to do?, to beg on your knees to be forgiven by something you have not done? They don't deserve you. And they have no right to see your DD unless they are prepared to welcome you again.

mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 22:19:45

It's funny, everything looks a bit weird with the "new mother" goggles on, doesn't it? I wasn't really prepared for how hard having a baby is, how much it takes out of you on every level.

I do think, when your family behave in this way, it's pretty unforgivable. Having a child is so precious, you'd think they could find it in their hearts to put aside whatever the quarrel is (actually, I think my uncle has long since forgotten what his problem with me is - he's too stubborn to back down now).

Very proud of myself this evening. My mother has just sold her house and she telephoned to ask me to go look at three houses she is considering for her next purchase. I have refused to go because whenever she asks my opinion, she doesn't like the response if it's not what she wants to hear. She still blames me for having said her current abode was "quite nice" when she and my stepdad bought it in 1987 (I was 14!!!!). She reckons she never liked the house, that me and my stepdad persuaded her to buy it. I'm staying out of it this time around...and guess what....I suggested she take my uncle instead . Am getting stronger by the second!!

Well, cheers for the listening ears. Chin chin. Must quit while I'm ahead or may be tipsy in charge of a baby (wouldn't be the first time)

Pruni Sat 20-Aug-05 22:22:44

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beckym Sat 20-Aug-05 22:24:53

Just wanted to agree with you. Everything is SOOOO different with your 'new mother goggles' on. I'm a new mum too. Ds is 7 weeks old, and now i have him, i get so annoyed with people. Dp's family never bother to see him and it really really annoys me. Not because i care what they do, but because i feel he is missing out. Its very sad, and i just dont understand it. But hey, i'll be off. Good luck with the uncle and mother x

mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 22:25:13

Well the trip to australia was a one off. We have rellies out there and I've been over there twice. Both times, my uncle has said he would LOVE to go out there.

It's not that they could never afford it, they just would never get round to saving up the money. And yes, we have done well for ourselves, but even so, we were going to open a separate account and spend a couple of years saving up to send him there; it's not like we could find the money at the drop of a hat.

Moondog. I think you are right. I've done "better" than he has and I don't think he likes it.

Actually, this sounds daft, but his relationship with me changed when I bought a car that he'd always wanted. It wasn't anything flash, just a top of the range VW golf. He really admired the car and wanted to drive it, so I gave him the keys, but I always felt it was a turning point (he loves cars). I wonder if that's the real problem...and there's not much I can do about that

LittleMissNaughty Sat 20-Aug-05 22:26:02

I think when you have your first child, it really makes you realise who matters in your life. For example, my sister distanced herself from me completely and was not there to support me at all, even though I had been there for her through every drama in her life.

As I soon realised, a relationship that is give, give, give and get nothing back is not a rewarding one and so it is worth cutting it out of your life. I think this is definitely the case with your uncle.

moondog Sat 20-Aug-05 22:29:19

Pruni,so glad it's not just me then. 13 months after the birth of my baby I'm still an emotional wreck at times...

Mogwai,you're right,having a baby rips you apart emotionally (as well as physically) in away you can never imagine prior to having children.
I feel like I've climbed a mountain every day. I swear,two kids have aged me and turned me inside out....

mogwai Sat 20-Aug-05 22:29:32

hey pruni

what's the deal with no being able to watch the news?? One evening my dh had to switch channel three times because there was somehting upsetting me on every side!

And what about this?....

My dh is working nights this weekend. He was in bed yesterday, having had a rotten night on ITU, when I found a bird that had been attacked by nextdoor's cat. It was still nextdoor, looking at me through the fence, with the cat hovering around it.

I had to go inside and wake him up to rescue it. The neighbour was out so he had to climb over her fence to reach the bird. He wasn't too chuffed.

What's with the new mother goggles?????!!!!

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