Did anyone catch the husbands side on radio four??

[Maxwellthecat]

I am just listening to this now and holy hell he is vile!!!
Just as bad as her. I want to hear the other woman's side now.

[Saffronesque]

Are you talking about Book Club - Capital?

[WhisperingLoudly]

I wanted to listen to this but missed it.

[Maxwellthecat]

I've just listened to it on iplayer look for 'the husband' it's about twenty minutes long. I was shouting at the radio!

[Timetogetup0630]

I thought it was frank and moving and it gave me a lot to reflect on....

[RNBrie]

I'm going to listen to this later, I put it in my diary to remind me after last week.

[DownAmongtheElves]

I listened to both. It's iPM, about the husband having an affair. THe wife poor thing was deeply hurt & in denial. THe husband is an absolute arese. It's all "Me, me, me" with him

[MistressMaisie]

It was fascinating imo.

She was unfair to expect him to be accepting of a wife uninterested and unresponsive to sex.
He was awful to go looking for a replacement. I might have been more sympathetic if he had just come across someone but he went looking for an exgf from 30 years ago. I presume the ex was divorced or something - surely she didn't leave her partner for him.
The poor man couldn't mention sex at all - he called it getting horizontal or something like that. So obviously was unable to discuss any problems with his wife.
My DH was a bit like the man as he got near retirement. Felt that no one appreciated him, wanted love and attention. I was busy with my own life so didn't realize the problem. I make an effort now to be more caring.
Did the wife buy a 5,000 pound coat? Someone in the family must have for the husband to bring it up.
Both have many faults, both seem unable to discuss anything openly.

[Maxwellthecat]

Their marriage was over well before he had the affair, I mean when he was talking about not realising his wife had a life and he had just expected her to want to hang out with him when he retired is just weird.
There was zero communication in the marriage and I think they are as both as bad as each other.
It was a brilliant programme but I just couldn't get my head around why they had decided to do it, was it his punishment? So odd.

[Hillfarmer]

I thought it was fascinating too. Heard 'the husband' first and then wanted to hear her story. I could tell from his telling, that he was emotionally constipated, unwilling to take responsibility and perhaps so repressed he was unable to analyse his own moral cowardice. I was desperate for the interviewer to ask him why he didn't decide to end the marriage before embarking on another relationship, which would have been the honest thing to do. He talked about honesty all the way through the interview, without once addressing his huge dishonesty of shagging someone else and building a three year passionate relationship with someone else. I found his lack of moral competence and self-exculpating quite alarming.

She was alarming in her own way. She focussed her anger almost exclusively on the woman, as if the OW had been the one breaking the vows of marriage and not her husband. This way, the whole interview felt it had taken place decades ago. The wife was stuck in a time warp almost, where the man is just some stupid idiot, led astray by a serpent-woman. I felt more sympathy for her though, as she has been horribly lied to and apparently had held up her end of the marital bargain.

The husband meanwhile, felt shortchanged but never vocalised it. Felt pissed off at the lack of sex but made no attempt to help his wife and merely got grumpy because he wasn't getting much and self-justified about going elsewhere.

I was left feeling shortchanged and I also felt that this woman was still so utterly raw, it is debatable whether it was ethical to broadcast her interview.

[fluffiphlox]

There's another thread on this somewhere. My comment on that one as well as this is that they are a pair well met. Surely their friends and acquaintances must recognise them. So lacking in any dignity to give these interviews.

[MistressMaisie]

If your life is in tatters as the DW appears to feel hers is, dignity is not something you would take into consideration I don't think.

Also, worrying about what your snooty friends will say, when your lives/ marriage is in a big a mess as this, suggests they'd be much better with a completely new social life and friends. Maybe what the DH suggested, living for several months in some Vietnamese commune (or something along those lines) is where they should be looking.

The way he spoke about life it suggested they were in a stressful hectic lifestyle of dinner parties etc, keeping up appearances, when he was ready for something more meaningful. I don't think I blame him for that but he could have attempted that life with his wife, or on his own, finding a new partner (who had none of the responsibilities of expensive home and expensive DCs that the wife had, or the expectations that comes with that) was a cop out.

[gingeroots]

Husbands interview here www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b085z6fn

Blimey .I don't know what to think .

He was very me ,me ,me . She sounded incandescent with rage and grief .

I agree - what on earth peruaded them to talk like this on the radio?

And what about the other woman ?

They obviously have shed loads of money .They need to spend some on therapy .

[DesolateWaist]

I only half listened to it but I was shocked at the husband being surprised that the wife didn't just drop everything when he retired. He seemed amazed that she had a social life.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

What I took from that was that they were living parallel lives but scarcely knew each other. Once he had time to think about it, having sold his business and moving into semi-retirement, he realised that he had been working long, long hours for umpteen years, and meanwhile she was at home seeing her friends for lunch, shopping and doing interesting courses, alongside what I can only think were very light household duties. Their children are now well up in their 20s by the sound of it.

If I contrast that with my household, leaving aside the fact that we aren't minted, it would come as no surprise at all to my husband that I do X, Y and Z outside work (or vice versa), because we talk to each other! In this marriage there appeared to be no communication at all beyond the bare essentials.

I must say, I can't see how they can rebuild from the place they're in now.

[gingeroots]

I can't see how they can rebuild from the place they're in now

I agree ,They both seem very negative about the future .Though I think I remenber the wife mentioning some good aspects of her husbands character .And I think the husband was clear that his wife loved him .

[Nightmanagerfan]

How can I find a link to the wife's story please? Thanks!

[gingeroots]

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b085h733 Two Christmas Stories .
I think it's the second story .

[JungleWait]

Very interesting! Where is the wife one?

[Nightmanagerfan]

Thanks gingerroots!

[JungleWait]

That was very interesting to listen to, thank you.

The major problem here which wasn't spelled out in the interviews was the expectations that divorce is not even an option, especially from the wife, and my guess is this is from their Jewish tradition (Is divorce forbidden or disliked by the Jewish faith?). The fact that the wife won't even consider a divorce, despite both of them being miserable, is utterly sad and disturbing.

[lalalonglegs]

I got the impression that the wife wouldn't consider divorce because she wanted to "win" the situation. By divorcing, she would have effectively given her husband to the OW upon whom all her anger was focused. There didn't seem to be much holding her to him otherwise. I actually thought he came across better than she did

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

So did I, lalalonglegs. Once he'd said that they were extremely well off, it did occur to me that she sees her very comfortable lifestyle and social standing at risk if they divorce and the marital assets get split down the middle.

[samG76]

Divorce isn't forbidden for Jews, or even discouraged. If the marriage has broken down, there's not much else to be done.

[ThisYearWillbeBetter]

There didn't seem to be much holding her to him otherwise. I actually thought he came across better than she did

But it's easy for the husband to come over "better" - he hasn't given up the opportunity for a life of his own. Indeed, he was the recipient of his wife's self-sacrifice. She forfeited an independent life to support her husband's career. She did all the 'wifework.'

But in his eyes, it wasn't enough for her to do this - she had to change her life when he decided he wanted to change his.

Now, I don't hold with women doing the dependent wife thing. I don't think a permanent SAHM is healthy for anyone concerned - wife, husband, or children. Never give up your job, say I.

But ... sometimes that's far easier said than done. And we have to remember the strong historical & social forces that shape women like the wife on iPM. There's many generations of women (and still now) who are brought up (conditioned or socialised) to feel it's their social or familial or domestic role to look after everyone. To put others first, and so on.

So in my hearing of it, the wife's sense of losing her husband, of the OW "winning," is tied up with her sense of self, of her role in the world.

He was an arse - he was only concerned with himself, and his needs and plans and desires.