bossy neighbours

[laceandpaperflowers]

I am a single parent, getting ready to find their own places in the next year or so. My neighbours on either side are retired (took early retirement, are fit and active). Since both sides have retired they have become very friendly - in each others houses and gardens a lot. I have always been pleasant and considerate to all my neighbours but as I work long hours and am busy I have never really got involved with any of them. I take in parcels and my kids have always been quiet, polite and well behaved. Since the neighbours on both sides have taken early retirement they have become increasingly intrusive and bossy (I feel, my kids agree, its not just me). If the kids mates visit and park their car in the lay-bys in the cul de sac (that are there for anyone to use, even people who dont live here, there is no restriction) one of the neighbours (the men not the women) come to the door and demand they are moved. We have been 'told off' for "encouraging' another neighbours cat by talking to her and stroking her when she comes in our garden. Both sets of neighbours talk to each from their gardens over my garden. The male on one side has always been 'odd' - not my words but those from other people. We hear him shouting at his wife a lot and the way he speaks to her in my opinion is horrible. My daughter and I wonder if his wife is OK but we dont feel that is any of our business. My daughters and I feel that when we go between house and car he glares at us as if to try and intimidate us. Sometimes I think all this is because I am a single parent (when my ex lived here I didnt have this problem). Soon I will be here on my own and I do feel intimidated and anxious and that I can do nothing but move - utterly helpless in this situation. I am anticipating feeling lonely when the kids go but I dont think that is what this is about - I have brought them up to be independent and want them to have their own lives/friends and partners. They are great, I get on with their partners and know that when they move out they won't be far and will always be there for me.I would appreciate any comments and perspectives.

[laceandpaperflowers]

sorry re first line - kids getting ready to find their own places soon

[laceandpaperflowers]

just want to clarify - the neighbours on either side have become friendly with each other not with me, and the reason they object to me stroking another neighbours cat is because they say cats dig up flowers and mess on their lawns - both couples have become avid gardeners since they retired. I admit cats do that but there are lots of cats where we live, its not just this cat (havent noticed cat poo on the lawns in any case). it seems so mean minded and petty of them.

[OrigamiParrot]

That sounds difficult - what a pair of arses!

So they stand at each fence and have a conversation with one another, over your garden? Whilst you’re out there? I’d politely tell them that they’re disturbing you and to stop if that’s the case.

Not sure about the other stuff - personally I’d ignore and eye roll. If cars are parked in a legal and safe place, they can stay there. If you want to pet a cat, pet a cat!

They probably object to you and your children ruining their ‘retirement village’

[laceandpaperflowers]

yes, I hope im never in the situation where I have to live in a retirement village, it seems more natural to be surrounded by people of all ages. young families and young people can be far more respectful and understanding than they are sometimes given credit for

these folks got on the mortgage ladder when it was easy and lived through times where you didnt have to get a loan to go to uni and the pension system was better than it is now for young folk - they are smug about it and I feel they think they rule the roost

[CallmeAngelina]

If this chappy is someone who bosses/intimidates his own wife, it could be that he views you the same way. So, stand up to him - doesn't need to be a confrontation.
If he tells your visitors to move their cars, then smile and say you're happy for them to stay where they are as they're parked perfectly legally.
If he "tells" you not to stroke a cat, ignore and continue.
But I don't think when they got their degree/mortgage is relevant. Some people are just arses and it sounds as though you've got a pigeon pair here.

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

Get yourself some headphones. When they realise you aren't listening they will stfu.
Do not get into any negative chats with them. Do not move any vehicles that have the right to be parked. You have become a doormat and now they expect you to roll over. Big girl pants op.

[laceandpaperflowers]

@Feralkidsatthecampsite
yes I agree, but I have not exactly become the doormat - I try to choose my battles, didnt mention this in OP but when my friend was keeping her car on MY DRIVE - a bit of an old banger to be fair but that doesnt matter and one of the men came and asked me how much longer it would be there I told him I could keep what I wanted on my own drive. I have been told that my grass gets too long and I have dandelions on it I dont do what they want.

I am a big girl - unlike them I run my home on my own and I have to fight my battles on my own, I think if just one of them was left on their own they wouldnt be so bold and would mind their own business

[laceandpaperflowers]

@Callme. they seem to have a sense of entitlement because they are older, complaints about parked vehicles seem to only relate to young folks - not just at our house either but a young woman who lives on the street, I am unfortunate because I live between the pair of them

[CallmeAngelina]

I can't see that "being older" necessarily has anything to do with a sense of entitlement. Plenty of people of all ages are entitled and are unpleasant neighbours.
If he points out your lawn needs mowing, give him a hard look and say "thank you" and shut the door/continue walking. Cut the cheeky bugger dead so he knows you're not to be messed with.

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

Imo you need more wild flowers then!! A lovely wild garden!!
And maybe a loo for a planter?
Few gnomes - old miserable looking ones!

[TW2013]

High hedges at least on one side so they can't talk over you. It will be good for selling too and as long as not too tall they can't do anything about it if in your garden.

[laceandpaperflowers]

@Feral. I know, theres lots now about biodiversity and wild life; lots of problems with over enthusiastic gardners over gardening and that not being good for the environment.

[laceandpaperflowers]

@Calme. youre right but just in the case of our particular cul de sac it is the younger people who show more tolerance and kindness

[gutentag1]

Well what do you respond when he says things to you? Surely you just reiterate that the lay-bys are for anyone to park in and shut the door? And that you can "encourage" whatever you want in your own garden?

You need to stand up for yourself, he clearly has far too much time.

[WiltedWillows]

Stand up for yourself and be resolute in doing so!

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

can you get a few pots of bamboo or trellis to shield their gardens from view?

I'd politely tell him to leave you alone.

If he seems to be glaring at you, walk over, say hi and ask if he wants something. You don't need to be intimidated by him, he holds nothing over you. Its your house, your drive, your right to pet a cat.

[ClamDango]

I reckon we must live on the same street we have mr nosey, know it all, king of the road next door and just ignore him completely now. If they say youre lawn needs mowing tell him he is welcome to do it, grow spiky shrubs in front of the fences, if they stand in the same position shouting at each other install a spinning hose, whirlygig or a parasol to sit under.
When they start their nonsense ask them why are they so interested in what you do. They are bored, small minded petty little people.

[ClamDango]

How old are dc and their partners. Are they old enough to stand up to ndn and tell them to back off and get a hobby. I would start recording their verbal complaints.

[TorkTorkBam]

Tell them off when they talk across your garden. It is rude. Or put the radio on just loud enough to make it not feasible for them to shout across you

[ClamDango]

I would feel more inclined to all go out when they start shouting over your garden. Say wow that sounded interesting can we all join in.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I think you would be a lot happier if you where more assertive with them. You can bet your bottom dollar they wouldn't be doing this to a single man.

[FedUpAtHomeTroels]

I'd try and increase the height of the back fences with trellis or something similar and grow things up it. Don't back down at all with the bossy man, he sounds horrible and don't tell friends to move their cars unless they really are badly parked.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Definitely wild your front garden. My mini meadow looks wonderful but a tidy gardener would be driven mad by looking at it.

[DeeplyMovingExperience]

This is bullying behaviour.

Bullies only back down when they are given a taste of their own medicine.

Next time, perhaps a sharp - "Are you complaining again about things that are none of your business? I'll do what I like/park where I want, thank you."

Big roll of the eyes and a few tuts.

[alexdgr8]

play some hard rock, quite high in the garden when they are talking across, while you wear noise defender ear phones.
also some screening to impede their line of view.
don't argue or engage much. just be calm, matter of fact. eg re parking, slight pause, glance at car, not them, and say as if informing him;
no, it's public parking there. and walk away.
good luck.