Missed out on house because of too much stress

[CadburySpira]

DH and I are looking at moving house, we have been approved for a mortgage of 400k which only just about gets us a 3 bed semi in our area. We have been in our 2 bed terrace for about 15 years. We found a house we both really liked, had a second viewing and had pretty much decided to offer when DH had a panic attack in the middle of the night. It was a really bad one and took a while for him to calm down, he was so scared. The stress of all the costs was the main reason, being tied into a mortgage for the next 25 years, using all of our savings we’ve saved so hard for on all the moving costs.

So anyway we missed out on the house because by the time he’d got his head together (about a week) someone else had offered. It’s not his fault at all, but I’m kind of gutted as we both really liked this house and I can’t see anything as big coming up in our price range, prices seem to be slowly creeping up in our area and I’m getting myself worried that we’re going to be priced out of the market. Does moving house cause other people so much stress and worry?

Being stuck in our tiny 2 bed is making me depressed but then the stress of moving is causing DH anxiety. Anyway, not sure what I’m asking, I just can’t talk to anyone in real life because DH and his panic attack/anxiety is his private business, and I know we’re lucky to even be thinking about a bigger house so I can’t really talk to friends who can’t afford to move.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Of course house moving is stressful-
Panic attack inducing? No!
Has he ever spoken to anyone about these issues? I personally don’t think of a mortgage as stressful, if the sums are correct and you are able to continue to save with the new outgoings for those unexpected things in life,it’s fine. We all have to live somewhere

[CadburySpira]

Thank you for your reply. He has always suffered with anxiety but the panic attack was new, he has organised counselling which will start next week. I’m a bit of a worrier too but I’ve been through all the sums and we both agree it’s fine, it’s a big jump from what we currently pay though.

[stripeypillowcase]

can you agree with him that you will take the lead?
maybe that would help him?

great that he is getting councelling!

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Can you take on the hunt yourself without overly involving him? Liaise with agents/ solicitors alone?

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

I can understand him being worried if it'll be a big jump from what you are paying now. He's obviously been worried for a while to have a panic attack.
Can you afford the mortgage on one of your wages if one of you loses your job? Is he worried about that?

A mortgage of 400k would be panic inducing for me tbh!

[LIZS]

That is a huge financial commitment, which will impact on work and life choices. Perhaps when he has calmed down you can sit down and determine you psychological approach to risk, is there a lower amount he feels more comfortable with, what would that buy you and where. Could you rejig or extend where you are so it works better for less than the cost and pressure of moving.

[CadburySpira]

I have offered to take the lead, I’ll be organising viewings etc, but still I can’t do anything without his agreement. We have made sure that the new mortgage is affordable on just one wage, we both earn about the same. We are going for a longer term mortgage to ensure this, but the plan would be to overpay, which is what the mortgage advisor advised. Thanks so much for al your help, it’s such a worry.

[CadburySpira]

LIZS we have tried to look for cheaper but it really doesn’t get you much in our area, we are both agreed on that. I think I am more of a risk taker than he is but still we have done all the sums and it does make sense even for DH

[mummmy2017]

Do you know the talk down way?
If you buy prices rise,you make money.
Paying rent means no profit long term.
If you make equity you can always sell so not lost out. Ect

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

Maybe put everything on hold for 6 months while he has counselling and see if that helps?

[stripeypillowcase]

I gather you 'need' a bigger place?
in that case, can you extend your current home? what would that cost compared to moving?

it sounds as if you have your head in the right place. good luck!

[CornishMaid1]

Moving is stressful and it is a massive decision to take on a large mortgage.

It does depend on where you are and prices/availability, but if he is concerned on the money it could be worth looking at either properties that you can do up as they could be cheaper or a suitable smaller property that you have the ability to extend to get what you want. You may get what you want without having to borrow so much and being able to do the work in stages may help his anxiety over the cost.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

How is your relationship generally? Do you think he might be reluctant to commit in general?

[CadburySpira]

Those asking about extending, we live in a 2 bed mid-terrace with about a 6 foot square yard, there is no where to extend but the loft but it’s downstairs and garden space we need.

mummy2017 we do keep telling ourselves that! Although there’s the other side of what if house prices drop and interest rates go up! We have already delayed for nearly 2 years because of the worries around Brexit and house prices.

[Frenchw1fe]

I think a mortgage of £1300. per month would make me panic but presumably you have the wage to pay it back and are not committing more than a third of your combined salary to the mortgage repayments.
I would definitely check your dh is fully on board before you set your heart on another house.

[Bluntness100]

If you keep delaying due to what if etc then you will be priced out the market.

If he does wish to do this, then I'd keep him out of it as much as possible to be honest.

[CadburySpira]

That’s what I’m worried about Bluntness100 in hindsight we should have made this move years ago but circumstances have never been right.

Anuvva I’m not concerned it’s a commitment issue thankfully

[MyDcAreMarvel]

Do you really need more downstairs space though? Have you got three plus dc?

[CadburySpira]

I keep saying need, no it’s not need it’s want. No DCs just us.

[MyDcAreMarvel]

It sounds like it’s just your want not your dh’s. Why put him through that much mental distress from something that is completely unnecessary?

[CadburySpira]

DH wants to move too, we have a warm roof over our heads so of course it’s not that we need to move, who really does? We’d both, and Ddog love a garden and a kitchen with more than 1m of worktop. I’m honestly not putting any pressure on him.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

can you extend your current home? everyone is clearly different, I would rather sell and buy a home every year than think about extensions and dealing with work men...now that stresses me out.

It sounds like it’s just your want not your dh I dont think this is fair, it sounds more like OPs DH is struggling with pretty basic life challenges. They can clearly afford to upgrade and they have outgrown their current home. He needs support but its not fair to can the idea and make OPs life harder living in too small a home.

[DollyDaydreamss]

Well he certainly needs support but you shouldn't have to stay put in a house that's suiting neither of you because your husband is having panic attacks in the middle of the night.

I'd keep him out of it as much as possible. I'd also find the panic attacks totally baffling. Worry and going over figures - yes, of course. Full on breathing and crying attacks - no. He needs help ASAP to get out of this. In the meantime, you take the reins

[CadburySpira]

Thank you OnlyFools DH has always been an anxious person, he knows that, but he just puts up with it. The panic attack has been a reminder to him that he does consciously need to do something about it, things seem so much worse when you bottle them up and he’s clearly been doing so for a long time.

[CadburySpira]

DollyDaydreamss thank you, that’s what we’re going to try to do. It’s a lot of money and it’s a lot of stress, but other people manage it. The alternative is just to stay here for the rest of our lives which is just letting the anxiety win. He has put a lot of things in motion already, he’s started exercising, given up caffeine, trying CBD, and organised a counsellor, I’ve not done any of that, he has, because it has to come from him.