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How far so you live from your parents?

(55 Posts)
pilgrimway Sat 04-Mar-17 09:48:08

I'm an only so no other support for ageing parents. They are fine and independent now but am thinking long term and what if they need more help on 5-10 years.

Currently live 2 hours away. Thinking of moving another 45 minutes away but not sure if this is a wise thing to do.

Got two young children so not that easy to get up to parents.

Two hours is just about doable in a day. Two 45 maybe not so.

Any thoughts on this? Experiences?

pilgrimway Sat 04-Mar-17 09:49:18

Forgot to say, also would like to see them more anyway, just as I miss them and the kids love seeing them!

We have to hire an airbnb when we go as their house is tiny and doesn't fit us all in.

PickAChew Sat 04-Mar-17 09:50:52

I'm 2.5 hours from mine. They're actually contemplating moving up to be nearer to me, as the or isolation is actually worrying them, for the future.

Marmitelover55 Sat 04-Mar-17 09:52:07

I lived 180 miles away (3 hours). It was fine until their health deteriorated but the last year was very, very difficult. I drove down every other weekend and sometimes more frequently. Would there be any chance if them moving closer to you?

Xmasfairy86 Sat 04-Mar-17 09:53:34

5 mins drive from DM
1.5 mins walk from DSM
5 min walk to DPIL
10 min drive from DF

cathyandclare Sat 04-Mar-17 09:56:58

I'm 5 hours away sad . They've always been fit and well but I've spent all morning so far on the phone with my mum who is properly ill, crap GP and I wish I was closer. I have a DB and lovely SIL that live nearby but it's really made me more worried about the future. I think I took their health and strength for granted.

pilgrimway Sat 04-Mar-17 10:06:35

Hmm no chance of them moving closer no - they like where they are, and we are tied with jobs. Plus I don't know anyone where they are now as they moved from where I grew up.

If we stay where we are we may b e able to get a granny annexe but not if we move to the new location as more expensive (but better for us otherwise apart from the longer commute!)

Dilemma! They have not had health problems up to now but mum is 73 and dad 70 so they are getting on. Mum has quite bad arthritis now though easily potters about. Dad is fine. Both compis mentis!

pilgrimway Sat 04-Mar-17 10:07:54

Cathy sorry to hear that - you just think everything will be fine don't you?

lljkk Sat 04-Mar-17 10:31:00

4500 miles away. My mom died already, Xing fingers that my step-mom can stay in good health to help my dad out.

scaryteacher Sat 04-Mar-17 12:13:30

I live in a different country to my Mum. It takes me about 12 hours to get to her door to door. Mum is 76. She is not allowed to get ill til 2019 when we move back to the UK, and I am about 10 minutes away. She does spend a couple of months a year on and off with me, so it's not too bad.

kel1234 Sat 04-Mar-17 12:16:54

I live nearly 200 miles away from mine (2 hours 15 minutes by train, 5-6 hours in a car).

Semaphorically Sat 04-Mar-17 12:17:17

I'm a long haul flight away from my parents. I don't know what we'll do if they need more support as they get older. I suppose it helps that they're determined to be independent so would never move in with me, and they have enough funds to cover extra paid care for quite a long time. But I do miss mum a lot (dad not so much), I wish she was closer.

NomDePlumeReloaded Sat 04-Mar-17 12:36:35

2hrs drive on rural roads. I am an only child. My mother lives alone, in a place not well served by healthcare and isn't in the best of health. It worries me that she is so far away and vulnerable. We have tried to move her closer to us (fully funded) but she won't have it, she is very stubborn independent-minded.

We've had a complicated relationship over the years and whilst the majority of me is worried about her being so far away, there is a part of me that is very aware of the complexities of emotion that having her here would bring. It isn't cut and dried.

ExplodedCloud Sat 04-Mar-17 12:45:19

About 90 minutes by car. I wouldn't want to be further away.

DollyMcDolly Sat 04-Mar-17 12:52:39

3 hrs. I'm not close to my parents though. I rarely visit

Redglitter Sat 04-Mar-17 12:53:58

I'm currently 15 mins away
My new house however is a whole 4 mins away from my mum

pilgrimway Sat 04-Mar-17 12:58:37

I think 60-90 mins is ideal, hence not sure if it's a massive game changer going from 2hours to 2.45hours iyswim?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Sat 04-Mar-17 13:00:13

I'm a 90 minute drive from mine which means I can comfortably get there and back in a day when necessary

I guess you need to weigh up the benefits of the new location (which is an extra 45 mins from parents) against the inconvenience of having to travel further when you visit them. If the only thing holding you back from the move is the distance from your parents then I would be inclined to go for it (the move). There is no way of knowing what help they will or won't need in 10/15 years time

Ellapaella Sat 04-Mar-17 13:01:00

I'm a 5 hour drive from mine (270 miles) and this is something that also concerns me. At the moment they very much do not want to move nearer to me (fully embedded in local community) but we are not able to move because of employment reasons as well as the fact that all 3 children are very settled in school etc. It will be too far to drive on a regular basis if one of them becomes ill or they need more help. I am hoping in a few years time they will consider moving nearer to me although I appreciate that is quite selfish. I'm in the north and they live in the south, they would get an excellent property where we live if they sold their house, fingers crossed.

BackforGood Sat 04-Mar-17 13:03:28

I was local (they are no longer with us).
However, I don't think you can put your life on hold / turn down better opportunities for your family, to make it slightly easier to visit parents. I know mine wouldn't have wanted us to.
They might never really need care. Some people are fit and well, right through their 80s. They might just go suddenly, without warning. They might decide, in 10 years or so that they are ready to move closer to you or possibly into sheltered housing of some kind. However, they wouldn't appreciate you turning down what is best for your family just so be 45mins closer.

HaPPy8 Sat 04-Mar-17 13:14:39

5 minute walk. I feel lucky about that.

NotCitrus Sat 04-Mar-17 14:03:36

50 min drive, 1 hour by train plus short lift.
2-3 hour drive to ILs. Would be good to be a bit closer to ILs who are well elderly now, but it's certainly doable in a day if needed, especially now kids are older enough to entertain themselves there without needIng to be hovered over, so we can both go rather than one staying home with toddlers as we did when MIL was ill before.

PlaymobilPirate Sat 04-Mar-17 14:12:27

I'm 8 doors down from mine!! 😎

Spickle Sat 04-Mar-17 16:00:32

I'm 30 mins drive from my mum - she has always been independent and would never want to live with us or go into a home. This was all well and good 10 years ago when she was in her 70s. Now she's in her 80s, I feel this will all change - she's had a couple of falls and the latest fall has meant carers 4 times a day.

I am an only child, work full time, have adult children still living at home and although I do see mum a couple of times a week, I feel guilty that I don't have time to do more. If I gave up work, I could care for her either at her home or mine, but this could mean putting our lives under stress financially and emotionally and I'm in a dilemma as to what to do. There is no way I could contemplate moving further away - it would send my mum into panic mode.

As another poster above says, you can't put your life on hold just in case. You just have to deal with a situation as and when it arises, if it ever does.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 04-Mar-17 17:03:33

We moved 600 miles from my parents when DS1 was 3 (job related). My parents (who were in their 70s) thought about it and decided that it was important they live near me as they were 'getting on' so they sold up and moved nearby. But they established their 'own life' and were independent from us. When we moved (again for a job) 9 years later they again moved to be near us after a year or so as my dad's health was rapidly deteriorating. He died 2 years later and I've always been so glad they lived nearby, especially now that Mum is 94 and suffering from dementia. She's in a care facility 3 miles from me and either my brother (who retired near us and was Mum's caretaker) or I see her every day. I really feel for people who's elderly parents live at an inconvenient distance. It must be so hard.

My parents were always great respecters of privacy and were never intrusive or nosy. They called before they came and never tried to interfere. I think that makes a great difference!

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