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Need some advice to help my friend?

(14 Posts)
Swifey Fri 30-Oct-15 14:14:53

She met her bf last year, and gave up her job and moved in with him to (v expensive) rental accommodation, on which he pays absolutely everything. He also gives her an allowance. At the very beginning they talked about marriage etc, but it hasn't been mentioned recently (they have been together 14 months now). Anyway apart from a few free lance jobs she is totally reliant on him. Anyway he is about to buy 'them' a house, but it doesn't seem like she will be on the deeds. Is my presumption right, that he could just turf her out at any point and she would have nothing? She gave up her car, and literally only owns her clothes. Thanks in advance.

hereandtherex Fri 30-Oct-15 14:54:30


Why does she not save what she'd pay in rent?

VimFuego101 Fri 30-Oct-15 14:58:09

Yes, she is in a very vulnerable position. I would say he is financially controlling. Does she work a fulltime job, or just the freelance jobs you mentioned? She's in a very precarious position if she doesn't have an income or access to her own money.

wowfudge Fri 30-Oct-15 15:28:32

I'm guessing she doesn't save because she doesn't have a job anymore. Just because he is funding everything and giving her an allowance doesn't make him controlling - on the face of it, he is extremely generous. If it would make her happy (guessing she has misgivings), she should go back to work.

OliviaBenson Fri 30-Oct-15 15:34:50

Why is he controlling? If it was the other way around we'd be saying 'cocklodger' think we need more facts to establish the full situation before saying that.

VimFuego101 Fri 30-Oct-15 15:41:23

Well, that's true, Olivia - does she want to work and part own the house, or is she just sitting back and letting him pay for things?

Swifey Fri 30-Oct-15 15:41:55

She doesn't have any of her own money, she gave up her job when they got together, and just does a few freelance jobs here and there. She is very intelligent and well travelled, but seems to think that she doesn't need to protect herself.

coolaschmoola Fri 30-Oct-15 15:45:00

Has she asked for your help?

FinnMcCool Fri 30-Oct-15 15:45:23

Yes. He could decide to stop giving her money at any point, and ask her to leave his house.

ALL the advice on here, when the situation is reversed, is for the MNer to get rid of the freeloader.

lalalonglegs Fri 30-Oct-15 15:46:44

I think it would be a very good idea for her to go back to work. Why has she given everything up to move in with him? Whether he is controlling or not, the relationship certainly doesn't seem to be one of equals.

To be honest, I have more sympathy with him as I wouldn't be putting my partner on the deeds of my house if I had only had a relatively short relationship with him/her and s/he wasn't contributing financially to the purchase. But then, I wouldn't give him/her an allowance to sit around at home either.

Swifey Fri 30-Oct-15 15:49:24

She is definitely just sitting back and letting him pay for everything. I would like to say he is generous etc, but something just doesn't sit right with me. He is very confident and has a very good job in the city, but I just find the whole thing a bit weird. I mean, for a start she hadn't met any of his friends?? Or he doesn't have any?? He rented another house in the country, as well as renting his London pad, but when he got together with her he just locked the door of the other house and never went back, he paid someone to go and pack it up, but according to him he totally lived the house. I don't know.

lighteningirl Fri 30-Oct-15 17:46:36

He's got a wife somewhere else in the country?

wowfudge Fri 30-Oct-15 18:23:32

He's just loaded then by the sounds of things. Don't go sticking your beak in unless you've been asked for advice OP - it could end your friendship.

specialsubject Fri 30-Oct-15 18:24:17

she has no rights at all to stay. If he gets bored with what she is providing in return for her board and lodging, she'll be on the street.

or he could love her very much and be happy to support her for the rest of his life - but if he goes under a bus she's equally stuffed.

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